


A City Stranded Cowboy's Robot Mercy Killing Business

by urgaylol



Series: CSCRMKB [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Humor, Multi, Political Commentary, Science Fiction, Violence, bad political commentary, composed completely of unsolicited rants, dark/sensitive subjects, existential horror but only as comedic relief, jokes about dark/sensitive subjects, some sexual(ish) content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2020-11-22 08:23:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 159,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20871149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urgaylol/pseuds/urgaylol
Summary: A Texan's job offer is picked up by a man from Japan whose strange behaviors and ideologies prove themselves more bizarre than the work they do.





	1. Five Needs

"Sister Marta died." said Barton.

Simultaneously, Tex spat out half his mouthful of coffee into his shirt and sucked the other half into his lungs. After dropping his book on the floor, he shoved his face into his elbow and started to cough.

"What do you mean, Marta died?" he asked after he'd finished sputtering.

"I mean Marta died." Barton answered. "Paramedics found her at the bottom of the stairs with clear signs of a stroke."

"When did you find out?"

"Got a text an hour ago."

"And you're telling me now?"

"I could've waited longer."

Tex searched Barton's face for any indication of a practical joke, but found she only looked bored.

"Guess that explains why she's late." said Tex. 

"Uhuh."

The sound of a buzz and a short drum beat made Barton check her pocket. Once she'd retrieved her phone, she squinted her eyes at the screen.

"Wait, this says she isn't dead anymore." Barton followed. "Her heart started beating again."

"...So people can come back to life, now, huh?"

"When a doctor says 'dead', what they really mean is 'heart stopped'."

"That's stupid. You ain't dead till you're dead."

"Glad we can finally agree on something."

As Barton finished speaking, Tex spent a moment wondering if they'd both jumped to conclusions.

"Actually," he started, "what if I dug up a body and filled their head with a bunch of science goo that brought them back to life? Would that've made them dead the whole time?"

"That couldn't happen." 

"How the hell would you know?"

"Never seen it happen."

Just as he had nearly once a day for two decades, Tex wondered if Barton was stupid or just very lazy.

"Just saying, maybe it ain't definitive." he replied.

Barton didn't respond. 

"She coming back to work?" Tex asked.

With a little sigh, Barton took another look at her phone. Tex was silent as she scrolled.

"No." Barton answered. "She's gonna be in hospital care for a while."

"We should visit her."

"Eh."

Tex squinted his eyes in thought.

"Feels like I'm forgetting something." said Tex.

"Yeah. We gotta send out the job flyers."

With a little nod of remembrance, Tex reached under the table and pulled out Tala's laptop. After pushing up his small pair of round glasses, he brought up the job flyer from Google Docs.

"Christ." Tex muttered.

"What?"

Tex turned the screen so that Barton could see.

"Looks good." Barton said with both eyes glued to her phone.

"Read it."

Barton sighed and put her phone back in her pocket.

_"One hundred percent legal robot mercy killing (not of humans) business (legal)._" she read. _"Plz join we are lonely._"

"Who wrote this? Did you write this?"

"I think Tala wrote it."

"Goddamn it."

Tex cleared the flyer of its text. The empty text box blinked back at him. 

_"Heard of, _uh_...._ he spoke as he typed. _"Heard of tetragramming?"_

"No one's heard of tetragramming." 

_"Want to help artificial intell--_"

"Artificial intelligence isn't what we're dealing with. And people know it's illegal, so they're gonna get confused if you put that down."

"Oh yeah, cause making something illegal means it don't happen no more. Russia definitely ain't--"

"Don't get started."

Tex grunted in irritation but shut his mouth. 

"Fine." he replied. "What would you say we were dealing with?"

"Artificial artificial intelligence."

Tex typed in the suggestion.

"You should update the graphic." Barton followed.

Tex examined the flyer again to see that the background was composed only of differently colored rectangles. After searching the internet, he found and added some clip art of a human smiling and holding the hand of a robot filled with major stab wounds.

"Seems a little low-brow..." Tex trailed off as he examined his own work.

"Put more sparkles on it. People like sparkles." 

Seeing nothing else to do, Tex added heaping amounts of glitter effects to the flyer. By the time he'd finished, it was more of a lens flare than a job flyer. 

He added the phrase 'no prior experience necessary' at the bottom.

"It's_ fine._" Barton said to Tex's uncertain face. "Hit send."

"Would you join an organization with this flyer?"

"No."

On one hand, the flyer was terrible. On the other, Tex didn't care to change it.

"When should we do interviews?" Tex asked as he added their address.

"A week from now." answered Barton. "Tuesday."

"Alright."

"Where are you posting it?"

"Craigslist."

"Let's just hope we don't get another bible thumper."

Although he shared the sentiment, Tex doubted they would have the privilege of being so picky. 

The week that followed went by much too slowly. Tex did his best to relax during what was technically his time off, but it was difficult. The nature of his job usually led to him going to bed at night anxious and unsatisfied, and the feeling was only amplified when he wasn't able to make any progress. 

When Tuesday finally did come, he was out the door ten minutes early. To compensate, he stopped at a coffee shop to grab a customer's-only water cup and leave.

Tex had two rooms reserved in his building. One was an open area next to the elevator, with a table, a fridge, and a couch, where they spent most of their time. Directly across the hall was a more personal area, with a desk and proper office supplies. It didn't get used much by anyone but Tala, but Tex thought it a better place to hold an interview. 

Especially because Barton had taken it upon herself to fall asleep on the couch.

There were two people outside the hall, a woman and a man, who Tex gave a little wave and a nod to. 

"I'll do you first." he muttered to the woman, as she was the closer of the two.

After she'd complied and followed him inside the office, Tex shut the door behind them.

She was a younger woman, maybe in her late twenties. Her features were aristocratically set. Her hair and eyebrows had been dyed a candy-colored shade of green, which Tex had long since found wasn't uncommon in big cities along the Pacific Northwest. Her skin was pale and cloudy, although Tex did suppose it was dead Winter. 

She sat in one of the two chairs opposite to him.

"Guess you're here cause you want a job?" Tex asked.

"I'm here because you're in my parking space." the woman replied.

The woman spoke with a tiny pout. Her tone sounded like it belonged to a much older woman.

"You're the car with the...flags, right?" she followed.

"I'm parked in the same spot I've parked every day for half a decade. Spot twenty-five."

With a little sigh, the woman pushed a slip forward. Tex understood what the problem was immediately upon reading it.

"This says you got space fifty-two." he explained.

The woman scoffed.

"I get it though, they're kinda hard to read." Tex followed.

"No, they're not." the woman replied with an irritated shake of her head.

"Uh, alright. How bout this. You can have that space if you let me hire you."

"Why did you work with Marta Santos?"

The question was so abrupt that Tex was momentarily left speechless. Still, the woman leaned forward in her chair with a stern gaze of expectation.

"...What?" asked Tex.

"You spent four years working with Marta Santos." the woman answered. "Why?"

"Why do you know that?"

"I know all about Marta and her writing."

"The stuff about--gays?"

"No, the stuff about atheists."

In her private time, Marta had written several books about the special place in hell for gay atheists. Personally, Tex found her writings to be very cute.

"Why do you support the Catholic church?" the woman followed.

"I don't." Tex answered truthfully. "I ain't big on organized religion."

"Marta supported the Catholic church. You supported Marta by employing her."

"Huh?"

“My ancestors were slaughtered in the Crusades. Why do you support the Crusades?”

“What are you, like a Lutheran or something?”

The woman let out a piercing screech of horror, which Tex took as a yes.

"That why you came up here?" Tex asked.

"What?"

"To ask about Marta?"

"Why did you work with her?"

Tex hummed to himself with amusement as he thought back to when he'd hired Marta.

"Do you know what we do here?" asked Tex.

The woman's face shifted. She was still frowning, but she now looked like she might actually be paying attention.

"I know it has something to do with computers." she replied.

Tex rubbed his forehead as he tried to figure out how best to explain.

"Making AI in our world might be illegal." he started. "But there's still jack shit that we can do about people hopping in front of their computers and making programs."

"Programs."

"Computers are getting real powerful. If you got the money and the knowledge, you can make a little universe."

The woman gave Tex no indication that she knew where he was going. 

"And you can fill it with your own little robots." Tex followed. "Or simulated people, whatever you wanna call it."

"Oh." she replied.

"Now, most people who take the time to do that just use them for--uh, political demonstrations. But a small minority of folks--"

Tex grit his teeth at the wave of intense disdain that rushed into his chest.

"--do spend a little too much time thinking of new and interesting ways to torture them." he finished.

The woman's face twisted into an expression of new understanding. However, it quickly dropped into disproving. 

"So you mercy kill fake robots?" she asked.

"Yeah." 

"How do you torture a robot?"

"You make it feel pain."

With a tiny scoff, the woman's mouth fell open with skepticism.

"How would you do that?" she pushed.

"The same way you make humans feel pain." 

"How's that?"

"I dunno. Don't see why it matters."

The woman scoffed and threw a hand into the air.

"I still don't understand." she stated.

"Understand what?"

"Why you'd work with a Catholic.”

Although the woman sitting before Tex seemed insane and terrible to work with, he was desperate enough to give her another try.

“Well, tormenting something like that," Tex replied, "that’s kinda the worst thing that could ever happen, ain’t it?” 

The woman said nothing.

"I'd work with anyone." Tex followed. “You want the job?”

"I'd never work with a second degree Catholic."

"I'm a first degree Catholic."

"...What?"

"I was baptized Catholic. Got dunked in the Jesus tub and everything."

With an angry scoff, the woman reached into her bag and pulled out a rather large book. Tex read the front cover to see that it was a copy of the King James Bible.

“I’ve composed a list of every logical fallacy within the bible.” said the woman. “I’m going to share them with you so you can understand the extent of illiteracy you’re supporting.”

“Could I--give you money to go away?”

_“And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night."_

The women looked up at Tex with expectation. Tex could only stare back.

"Um, actually," the woman followed with a sigh, "the moon doesn’t have its own light. We can only see the moon because light from the sun reflects off the moon."

As the women continued to give her constructive criticism, Tex pulled out his phone and sent Barton a text requesting assistance. He prayed that the notification would wake her up. 

_“And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness._” the woman continued. “‘An hundred’? Learn how to grammar, Jesus.”

“Just to be clear, you don’t want the job?”

The woman sighed and closed the book.

“No.” she answered.

“Can you get out?”

“I can. But I won’t.”

There was a knock at the door. Before Tex could say anything, Barton stepped inside.

“What’s going on?” Barton asked.

“Can you please escort this young Lutheran woman outside?” Tex replied.

“You called security on me?” the women shrieked.

“At this point, you’re trespassing.”

“Ideologically, maybe. But what kind of a world is it where that’s a crime?” 

The woman had yet to get up from her chair. After stealing a look at her watch, Barton stepped forward and picked up the chair with the woman still inside it.

The woman frowned and folded her arms across her chest as she was led out into the hall.

“Just so you know?” the woman said while she was still in earshot.

“What.” Tex replied.

“This will only reinforce me.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

The open door to his office provided Tex with just enough space to watch as Barton called the elevator and set the women and chair down on the inside corner. Barton then sent the elevator to the basement floor and stepped back out into the hall.

The elevator doors closed behind her.

“I’m going back to sleep.” Barton said before disappearing from sight.

Although throwing a random stranger out of his office had been entertaining, Tex felt the beginnings of a bad mood sneak up on him. His meeting with the woman had left him feeling strangely pessimistic of human nature. Tex hated feeling pessimistic, especially about something so rudimentary.

A knock at the door frame shook Tex from his thoughts.

"Oh." Tex muttered, remembering the other person. "Come in."

A man stepped through the door. The same one Tex had seen when he'd arrived.

"Hello." the man greeted.

He was on the shorter side, although not shockingly so. He wore a long sleeved white shirt and a black pair of cargo pants that tightened at the calves. A small duffel bag was slung over his shoulder. His black hair was cut short and simple, and his face was clean shaven. He was attractive in a very minimalist sort of way, as if god had taken a blank slate of a man and tried to make him handsome in as few alterations as possible.

His expression was perfectly blank. Tex didn't think he could have been more than thirty. 

"Hey." Tex said. "You here about the job?"

The man looked back in the direction of the elevator.

"I've heard good things." he replied.

"Huh. What's your name?"

"Tagawa Junji."

Although Tagawa Junji's voice was articulate and he was clearly familiar with English, a heavy Japanese accent made Tex wonder if he hadn't been born in the United States.

"Is Tagawa your last name?" asked Tex.

"Yes."

"Can I call you Junji?"

"Why?"

"It's shorter."

Tagawa Junji's face twisted with thought for a long moment.

"I suppose so." he finally replied. "But only because of your motivations."

"For shortness?"

"Yes. I support briefness in language, so long as no precision is lost."

"Oh."

"When I studied English, I found myself most fond of Ebonics."

Tex brought the back of his hand up to his mouth to cover his cough. He studied Junji's face for any change in expression, but found nothing.

"...Alright." Tex replied. "Why don't you take a seat?"

Junji sat down in the single remaining chair facing Tex's desk. Tex watched with uncertainty as Junji folded his hands in his lap.

"I wanna give you a little job description before we get into things." Tex continued. "It's kinda strange, so sit tight."

"Very well."

"You--uh, you got that we can't pay you, right?"

"Yes."

Tex breathed out a tiny sigh of relief.

"Good." he replied. "Good. But we can feed you, and we can give you a spot to live."

"How will you feed me?" asked Junji.

"Got a buddy who works on a farm. Hope you like potatoes and pork chops."

"Where will I be living?"

"You'll get your own studio in a complex a few blocks west of here."

"How can you afford to house me?"

Although he knew it wouldn't help, Tex lowered his voice a tad before replying.

"I'm friends with the landlord." Tex answered. "We make sure she stays fed, and she lends us a couple rooms. Ain't exactly legal, but I don't really give a damn."

"What if I become ill?"

"I know a married couple. One's an accountant and the other's an insurance representative. We give them food and a place to live in the complex, and they fudge the numbers a little bit."

Junji's face began to scrunch with suspicion.

"What's wrong?" Tex asked.

"It is just..." Junji muttered. "I was not aware I was to be living on a co--"

"It ain't a commune."

"How does what you've described differ from a--"

"We got self-respect."

Tex let out the start of a nervous laugh, but stopped when Junji didn't join him.

"Whatever it is." Tex continued. "Is it a deal breaker?"

"No. I will manage."

"That's good."

Tex breathed out another little sigh of relief. So far, the meeting had been going better than he'd expected.

"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?" he asked.

"Because I don't want to."

With a tiny scoff, Tex cocked his head and let his cheek rest against his fist.

"I am from Japan." Junji followed.

"How'd you come across my flyer?" Tex asked.

"I follow the tetragramming subreddit. Your flyer was posted there."

"Uh, why?"

"I do not approve of tetragramming."

Tex supposed it was a fair response. 

"Hope you don't mind me for asking, but why do you speak English?" he questioned.

"Business reasons. I am--I was a businessman."

"What kinda business?"

"Political business."

"Yakuza business?"

Junji blinked twice.

"No." he replied.

With his head still cocked, Tex stuck a toothpick in his mouth and bore his eyes into Junji's.

"You, uh...got any qualifications?" asked Tex.

Junji's eyes flashed down towards the hands folded in his lap before he gave a response.

"I am very punctual." Junji answered.

"Uhuh."

"I excel at economic literacy, physical combat, and performing thought experiments." 

"Physical combat, huh?"

"Yes."

"That you picked up in the Yakuza?

Junji blinked twice more.

"No." he replied.

Junji continued to stare. Tex let out a tiny sigh of defeat.

"How about weaknesses?" Tex continued. "Got any of those?"

Junji's eyebrows came together in what resembled deep thought. He was silent for long enough for Tex to grow confused, and eventually anxious. 

"This question is too vague." Junji finally stated.

Tex let out a brief chuckle after deciding that Junji had a point.

"Yeah, and it ain't really that important, neither." Tex replied. "How about this. There anything I should know?"

Junji's eyebrows came back together into intense introspection, but Tex stopped him before he could get too far.

"Being ex-Yakuza is something that I would wanna know about." Tex followed.

"I am not from the Yakuza."

"Look, I can see all them tattoos through your shirt."

Quickly, Junji looked down at the fabric of his shirt. He tightened the left sleeve against his arm and widened his eyes as the red and black ink made itself seen.

"I am from the Yakuza." Junji stated.

The Yakuza was both an organization and a government organization, which meant Tex felt about them the same way he felt of sex offenders or swallowing cucumbers whole. However, he couldn't afford to be picky.

"Do you hold the Yakuza in low regard?" Junji followed.

Tex let out a short scoff. He chewed on the end of his toothpick as he made his response.

"Clergy of bootlickers?" he replied. "Better cut off your pinkies and send them to daddy as an apology for questioning his bad decisions?"

Tex surprised himself with how mean his assessment had been. In truth, a sudden burst of anger had clouded his senses.

"...And?"

"Don't think about them, no."

Junji only let out a short snicker, which was a better reaction than Tex had been expecting.

"Still, you managed to keep all your fingers." Tex followed. "Pretty impressive."

Junji hummed out a noise of interest.

"Not so impressive." he replied. "My family was too new-wave to enforce such ineffective brutalities."

"I can't even--I ain't got no idea what that meant."

The tiniest start of a smile grew on Junji's face. Tex found the sight less intimidating than he would have expected.

"Thanks for being honest." Tex followed. "You're hired."

"Thank you. Where do I sign?"

"You don't gotta sign nowhere. You're hired until you quit or I fire you."

Junji's blank expression turned to one of confusion and fear. Tex might have wondered about it had a more pressing question not popped into his head.

"Why'd you leave the Yakuza?" Tex asked.

"I saw your job offer." Junji answered. 

"How'd you leave?"

"I quit."

"Didn't know you could just quit the Yak like that."

"You cannot. I will likely be hunted by my former associates when I fail to return."

The thought crossed Tex's mind that Junji had the potential to kill him. Out of habit, Tex tensed his right leg just so that he could feel the comforting reminder of the handgun in his pocket.

"You worried about being hunted?" asked Tex. "And all that would come of it?"

"My death? No."

Tex removed his hand from his cheek so that he could cough into his fist.

"Although," Junji continued, "it would appease me to know that my position would be once again filled if my death were to come about."

"Uh, yeah. I wouldn't just--shut down the operation if you died."

"Good. I also ask that I am terminated in a timely manner if I ever show enough incompetence to jeopardize this organization."

Tex bit the end of his toothpick with thought until it split.

"You ran away from your family and country so that you could take up a job offer in Seattle?" he asked.

"And I am anxious to start." 

There was obviously a great deal that Junji was hiding, but Tex decided he didn't really care to make it his business.

"What is your name?" Junji asked.

"Uh, Tex." answered Tex. "Dallas Tex."

"Your name is Dallas Tex?"

"Yeah, and I ain't from Dallas."

"Where are you from?"

"Texas."

Junji's face twisted in a way that indicated that he hadn't gotten the joke, but he'd gotten that it was a joke.

"Is that a political statement?" he questioned.

"Yeah, actually." 

Junji didn't reply. Tex ran his words through his head and started to feel a bit guilty.

"I'm being too hard on Dallas." Tex followed. "Lord knows it was a hell of a lot better than this shit hole."

"Is Tex your surname?" Junji pushed.

"Sorta. It's kind of a ride to get into."

"I have time."

"Alrighty, then. Tex is my last name now, but only cause I changed it."

"Why did you change your name?"

Tex let out small breath of hot air.

"Didn't like my daddy." he answered.

"Why did you change it to Tex?" asked Junji.

"Everybody's always called me Tex since I first started shooting. It's, uh, reference to my grandma. She was a crack shot with a left eye gone, so folks used to call her the 'one-eyed Texican'."

"What is a Texican?"

"What'd you think?"

Junji let out a short exhale of amusement.

"Why did you not simply take your mother's maiden name?" he asked.

"It's already my middle name."

Junji stared blankly.

"Point is," Tex continued, "my name's Tex. Ain't nobody calls me Dallas."

_"Hey Dallas._" Barton called from across the hall. _"I'm awake. You hire someone yet?"_

Tex managed not to break eye contact with Junji, but it was hard.

"Barton calls me Dallas." said Tex.

The rest of the meeting didn't take much longer. Junji didn't seem to have any hesitations, so Tex figured it would be best to show him where he would be staying. Not wanting to walk or drive, Tex decided that it would be a good time to introduce Junji to the bus systems. 

The stop was just outside their building. The live schedule told Tex that the wait was only a few minutes.

"I'm gonna give you a warning." Tex muttered as they stood, too quietly for anyone but Junji to hear. "Does your family know you're gone yet?"

"No." Junji replied. "Was that the warning?"

"Most people quit this job real quick. You might wanna try it out a time or two before burning every bridge you had."

"Why do most quit?"

"It's a weird job."

"Do you run this organization with competence?"

"I'd like to think so."

"Then it will not be a problem."

The bus they'd been waiting for came to a halt before them. Tex signaled for Junji to stand by the rear doors and enter when they opened.

"But if it don't work out," Tex continued once they'd seated themselves. "I ain't just gonna leave you stranded. We'll figure something out."

Junji didn't reply. He stayed quiet the whole ride over. Tex got the feeling that he wasn't comfortable talking with so many strangers scattered around him.

It was raining by the time they got to their stop. After being exposed to the open air, Junji broke into a jog as Tex pointed out the correct building. Tex managed to catch up after just a few moments.

"Entrance is over here." Tex said as he directed them into the parking garage.

Tex hated the parking garage. Not only did it leak even when it wasn't raining, but terrible music played from speakers at all times and echoed awkwardly throughout the whole lot.

"Does that--" Junji stammered. "Is there always music?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Keeps the homeless from congregating."

Junji made a face of disgust as Tex called the elevator. Tex was unsure as to what specifically he was disgusted by.

A few days prior, Tex had spoken with the landlord about giving Marta's old room to the new hire. He'd been given a key for apartment two hundred and seventy. When he found and unlocked the door, he discovered that it had thankfully been cleaned.

It was a small studio apartment, with a bathroom and minuscule kitchenette. There wasn't a bedroom, but there was a patch of carpet off to the side that could fit a queen sized bed as long as you tried really hard. The walls were painted a tasteful grey, and although Marta had moved out, the place still smelled strongly of scented oils.

Normally, it would have gone for two grand a month.

"This is where you're gonna be staying." Tex said as he dropped the key into Junji's hand.

"Hmm."

"You come here legally?"

"No."

"That's alright. Bianca don't ask too many questions."

Junji followed as Tex stepped inside. Tex had been a bit worried that Junji would wrinkle his nose at the place, but he seemed plenty calm.

"It alright?" asked Tex.

"It is fine."

"Smaller than you're used to?"

"Substantially."

Tex frowned. He wasn't sure why, but he felt a few pangs of guilt. He let his eyes drift to the small bag slung over Junji's shoulders.

"That all you brought?" Tex pushed.

"I brought only what I needed."

As he spoke, Junji tossed his bag towards the couch.

The zipper snagged upon impact. Out spilled three energy bars, some silver coins, three daggers, a small blue vibrator, and a dime bag of cocaine.

Junji turned his head towards Tex with a face like stone. Tex wondered for a short second if he was going to die.

"A man has five needs." Junji stated. "Wouldn't you agree?"

"I'd give you four."

"What won't you give me?"

"The nose candy."

"It's more of a last stand than strictly a need."

Tex wasn't completely sure what Junji was trying to imply, but he found it intimidating regardless. Junji sat down on the couch and began to refill his bag.

"When do I start?" asked Junji.

"You wanna start tomorrow?" Tex replied.

"I would like to."

"Good. You remember where we met today?"

"Yes."

"Be there at eleven. At night."

"Thank you."

Junji didn't say anything else. The air grew slightly awkward as Tex realized he no longer had any reason to stay.

"Guessing you want me to go?" Tex asked.

"...Yes."

"Alright. See you tomorrow."

Before he left, Tex dropped a company card on Junji's railing with a few phone numbers on it.

"Call us if anything goes wrong." Tex said as he left.

"Very well."

As he closed the door to Junji's apartment, Tex wondered what he'd gotten himself into.

It probably couldn't have been too weird. 


	2. Fever Dream

"Five bucks says he's a no show." Barton said from the couch.

It had been a day since Tex had hired Junji. With five minutes left until eleven, Tex had been starting to get anxious.

"He'll show up." Tex replied.

"How would you know?"

Tex didn't answer, as he couldn't find a way to explain himself without oversharing. Luckily, a faint tapping on wood got Barton's attention off of him.

"Where's my five bucks?" asked Tex.

"Up your ass in about ten seconds if you don't answer the goddamn door."

The knock sounded again, just as quietly. Tex sprung up to his feet with the suspicion that Junji was knocking at the wrong door.

His suspicion was confirmed when he opened the door to see that Junji was knocking on the door opposite to the main office, where they'd met the day before.

"It's over here." Tex said. "Sorry, forgot to tell you yesterday."

Junji turned around to face him.

At first, Tex thought that Junji was wearing the same clothing he'd been wearing the day before. But after a moment, he realized that Junji was simply wearing new clothing of a very similar style.

Tex stepped out into the hall.

"It is alright." Junji replied.

"Good. Glad you made it."

Junji gave a questioning little glance at the door Tex was blocking.

"Before we go in." said Tex. "I gotta ask something of you."

"What's that?"

"What we do in here's kinda secret. Nothing I really want Uncle Sam picking up on, if you get what I'm saying."

"I don't."

"...Turn your phone off."

Junji let out a scoff. Tex winced in advance at the tin-foil hat wearing status he was about to get deemed with.

"You truly believe that the government is going to track us through my phone?" Junji replied.

"Uh--"

"My cell phone has been fitted with a black market audio scrambler so powerful that the Chinese empire could not decipher anything from it."

"...Oh."

"And trust me when I say that every camera has been well covered, including the one that Samsung did not inform me of upon my purchase."

For a short and anxious moment, Tex stared at Junji as he tried to think of a way to reply.

"So I guess you're real prepared to get 'snowed in', huh?" Tex asked with a tiny chuckle.

Junji didn't join him or even give a hum of amusement. In mild disappointment, Tex stopped laughing. He was beginning to suspect that Junji didn't have a sense of humor.

"We should go inside." Tex followed. 

"Hmm."

"You, uh...You mind working with ladies?"

The question felt a bit rude, but Tex knew too little about the Japanese or Junji to take a risk.

"Of course." Junji replied. "As long as they stay at least five steps behind me." 

"I--uh--"

Junji bent in half and burst into a fit of wild laughter. When Tex's heart rate had dialed back down to normal, he resisted the urge to shove Junji into the wall.

"Ha!" said Junji. 

"Damn it, don't do that." 

"I'm sorry to laugh. You just look very foolish." 

Thankfully, Junji had gotten himself together by the time Tex had pulled him through the door. Tex gave his surroundings a quick scan.

Barton was at the table. Tala was on the couch with a laptop and a bowl of cherries.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

"This is Junji." Tex explained. "He's gonna be filling in for Marta now that she's--caught up. Y’all ready to meet him?"

Tala said nothing. Barton grunted.

"Fine." Tex followed, already annoyed. "We'll go over there."

Tex led Junji to the couch first. Thankfully, Tala stood up and waved upon their arrival. 

"This is Tala." said Tex.

Tala Locklear was a young woman with a flat face and long, straight hair that fell halfway down her back. Tex was pretty sure she was twenty-five, although he'd never asked.

"Hello." Junji repeated.

"Tala knows more about computers than almost anyone in the world." Tex explained. "She could prolly work anywhere, but she chooses to work here."

_"Hbragh_." Tala greeted as about two dozen cherry pits rained from her mouth and onto the floor.

"That's nice. Barton, get the hell over here." 

Barton groaned but got out of her seat. Thankfully, she'd managed to perk up a bit by the time she got to Junji.

"And this is Barton." Tex continued.

Barton extended her hand towards Junji's. Junji met her halfway and flinched at her grip.

"Lucy Barton." she greeted. "You might've heard of me."

Barton was a sixty-six year old woman with a shaved head and bad opinions. She had the darkest skin that Tex had ever seen, although she made it easy to forget about.

"Have I?" Junji replied.

"Yeah. I was in a lotta wars."

"Where have you served?"

"Name a country and I've been tortured in it." 

Junji's face twisted to express an unreadable emotion.

"You wanna see a scar I got in Lebanon?" asked Barton.

"No." Junji answered.

Barton lifted her polo.

"This is where the bar came in." she explained as she pointed to her back. "I'd show you where it came out, but that was back when I still had breasts."

"You never had breasts." Tex muttered.

"Suck my taint."

Junji stared.

"Barton's a real brave soul." Tex said fondly. "Lord knows I don't got the balls to wear a camo golf shirt in public like that."

"I agree." Barton replied. "If he had balls, he wouldn't also have a woman's sense of humor." 

"Sorry. Either way, I didn't expect you to get it."

While Tex's eyelid continued to twitch, Junji darted his gaze between the both of them.

"How long have you two known each other?" Junji asked.

"Too long." Barton replied.

"Twenty years." answered Tex.

"And, um." Junji continued. "Where did you meet?"

Tex exchanged a quick glance with Barton. 

"I teamed up with the yokels to fight the commies back in Civil War II." said Barton.

"That ain't what happened!" Tex yelped.

"Yeah it was. Thought it almost didn't happen. Can't believe you sons of bitches really called that a military."

"We didn't. We called it an 'armed militia'."

Barton's face twisted with disgust.

"I know little of this war." Junji said. "I am interested in learning more, although I suspect that such a request may be difficult."

Tala cleared her throat. Tex looked over to see that her phone was out.

_"The civil war of 2049 started with tensions that arose during the 2044 election regarding civil rights._" Tala read. _"From that formed both the New Union, or 'Newnion', who stood for good things, and the Anti-federacy, or 'Antederacy', who stood for racism, homelessness, and smelling like dirt._"

"That ain't what happened, neither." Tex replied.

"Is that really what Wikipedia says?" Barton mumbled.

"Uhuh." Tala hummed.

"You don't really believe that, do you Tala?" asked Tex.

Tala chuckled to herself for a moment.

"Of course not. This is clearly pretty biased, especially the stuff about racism." she answered. "There was a reason Newnion troops were called 'the cloud'."

Tala's words caused Tex to laugh and cough at the same time, which only seemed to further Junji's confusion.

"What was your favorite part of the war?" Burton asked. "Mine was when Texas got bombed by Los Angeles."

"I don't wanna talk about the war." Tex groaned into his hand.

"Oh, come on. What's the point of going to war and getting tortured if you can't talk about it fifteen years later?"

"It's making Tala uncomfortable. She didn't support the Antederacy."

"No, I'm fine." Tala replied.

Tex felt a quick burst of shame about having gotten so worked up in front of a newcomer. So desperately, he reminded himself of what he was supposed to be doing. 

"None of this matters." said Tex. "Junji, do you got any other questions?" 

"I have many questions." Junji replied. "But I doubt we will have the time today to answer them all."

"Well, what's your first question?"

"How do you know who's tetragramming?"

With a short hum, Tex pointed to Tala. Tala opened her bag and pulled out a familiar device.

"We use this." Tala answered.

"What is it?" asked Junji.

"It's a radar."

The radar itself was a red box about half the size of a brick. The cross streets outside their building were mapped out perfectly on the screen, and when Tala pinched it and zoomed out, the cities surrounding them began to show up. Several pink patches of varying saturation and size also littered the screen, and the radar had been fitted with a wrist strap.

It was always on, no matter what. They'd never messed with it too much with it out of fear of breaking it, but it had managed to easily survive the time that Tala had accidentally dropped it into a swimming pool from a seventh story window.

"The little dots are marks of discomfort." Tala explained. "When we find one that's really big--"

Tala zoomed out until she could see the entire country. Smack dab at the bottom of New York was a large circle, so dark that it was almost red. It stuck out substantially from the other dots.

"--then that's where we know to look." she finished. "Red dot that big is either someone tetragramming or a CIA experiment."

"Or the house of a child star." Tex added.

"Ah." Junji replied.

"We call it the Pain Finder Thing." said Barton.

"Elegant." 

Tex gestured for the Pain Finder Thing. After Tala handed it to him, he zoomed in on the large red dot until he could see the cross streets.

"Guess we're going to New York." he noted.

"I have a question." Junji stated.

"What's that?"

"This device can locate discomfort in our universe to an impressive level of precision. Have you made sure it does not also pick up on hypothetical pain?"

"Huh?"

"Apologies for my sudden burst of skepticism, but have you made sure it either fails to pick up on hypothetical pain or differentiates it in some way? I've no interest in ending hypothetical pain." 

With a sudden start, Tex's brain stopped lagging. He wasn't sure why it had taken him so long to process what Junji was asking.

"Oh--uh, no." answered Tex. "We tested for that first thing."

"Really." 

"You wanna see how?"

"Very much so."

Tex nodded and pointed to the table.

"Tala." he started. "Do you got a character sheet?"

"Sure." Tala answered as a completed character sheet fell out of her shirt sleeve.

"What's a character sheet?" asked Junji.

"We're gonna do a role playing game." said Tex. "Barton, DM for Tala."

After shooting Tex a look to let him know he was going to regret ordering her around, Barton reluctantly sat down at the table. Tex found their location on the Pain Finder Thing and zoomed in until it only displayed their location

"Here, you hold it." Tex said as he passed the radar to Junji. "See any pink?"

Junji squinted at the screen.

"No." he replied.

"I'm ready." Tala announced.

Barton grunted. Tala passed her the finished character sheet.

"Alright." Barton started. "Mrs--"

Barton lifted the paper and squinted at the name section.

"--Omylia 'OJ' Jhaerithe." she finished.

"Uhuh?" Tala replied, her eyes wide with excitement.

"What do you do?"

"I--"

"Turns out it doesn't matter what you want to do, because the DM says that you're being tortured for all eternity."

Tala sucked in a loud breath of air.

"Not OJ!" she gasped.

"Anything?" Barton asked Junji.

"Actually, yes." he replied. "I'm picking up a small signal--"

Junji cut himself off as he caught a look at Tex's face.

"Nevermind." Junji followed with a gesture in Tex's direction. "It's coming from him."

"Why'dja have to torture her for eternity?" Tex asked Barton through his teeth.

They cleaned up shortly after Junji put the Pain Finder Thing down. Thankfully, he seemed content with the demonstration.

"Is everyone ready to see what we're up against today?" Tala asked as she set her laptop down at the table.

Tex positioned himself so that he could see. He urged Junji to do the same.

"You are accessing the dark web." Junji noted.

"Yes I am." Tala replied.

"Are we hiring a hitman?" 

"We are the hitman. I just don't want my IP tracked."

Tex nodded in the hopes that it would make it look like he knew what was going on.

"I'm in." Tala said as she opened a browser and searched for Google Earth.

With the help of the intersections provided by the Pain Finder Thing, it didn't take Tala long to find a condo that fit the location exactly.

"Looks like his house is pretty nice." said Tala. "And I can see him through the window."

Tex examined the screen to see a man eating lunch next to his window. The man was rather plain-looking, but Tex did his best to memorize his features.

"His name's David Burrows." Tala followed. "He's thirty-five years old, and he works at the gym." 

"How do you know his name?" Junji asked.

"I read it off his mailbox."

"What about his age?"

"I made the other stuff up."

Tex exhaled with amusement.

"How will you deal with the cameras?" Junji pushed.

"We can pay to freeze the footage." Tala replied.

"What about the cameras on his computer and phone?"

"We can pay to freeze the footage."

"Really."

"Thaaat's capitalism."

"Yeah." Tex quickly replied. "Beneficial to our lives."

"Who does the money go to?" asked Junji.

"Google." Tala answered.

"...I don't know where else I would have expected."

Junji seemed ready to get to work, so they set out for the train station after packing up. Thanks to modern high speed rails, they managed to arrive in New York in less than fifteen minutes after passing through the four hours of security clearance. Tex traveled under a fake name to avoid his lifelong ban from both the rail system and the East Coast.

Junji also chose to use a fake identity. 

It was late when they left the train, almost three thirty in the morning, but Barton thought it best they wait around for another half hour in the Zipcar they'd borrowed.

"The later the better." she said as she shoved half a sandwich into her mouth.

"Where'd you get that sandwich?" Tex asked.

"From the fridge."

"That was my sandwich."

"Was. Past tense."

Tex narrowed his eyes in thought.

"Taking handouts, huh?" he asked slowly.

"What?"

"Nothing. You're perfectly entitled to my sandwich. Just cause I made myself food and you couldn't be bothered to yourself don't mean there's nothing wrong with you stealing my shit, long as the government says it's ok, right?"

Tex’s sandwich was thrown at his head.

“Thanks.” he said as he peeled it from his face, taking it as a win.

After finishing the remaining half of his sandwich, Tex made his way over to Junji with Tala's backpack of stuff for the trip.

"Here." Tex said to Junji as he pulled a pair of gloves from the bag. "Put these on."

As Junji slid on the gloves, Tex put on his own pair. They were simple, thin gloves, just enough to cover his fingerprints.

"Is there anything else I must do?" asked Junji.

"Nah. Just try not to get your DNA everywhere."

"I will do my best."

"Is your phone off?"

"What do you think?"

Tex hummed in amusement. He could only hope that Junji didn't watch Ancient Aliens.

"You ready?" Tex pushed.

"I think so."

With the four of them, the car felt a bit cramped. Tala passed the time by asking them all which anime dad they'd most like to have sex with.

"Dojima Ryotaro." Junji replied.

"Hank Hill." said Barton.

"Y’all need Jesus." Tex answered.

By the time they got outside, the street was dark and empty. They were far away from the heart of the city for the roads to be residential. After only a few blocks that reeked of the upper middle class, they found the intersecting streets.

Tex just hoped breaking in wouldn't be too much of a problem.

"Hang on." Tala said as she unlocked her phone. "Pausing the neighborhood security cameras...now."

After slipping her phone into her pocket, Tala waved them all forward.

Tex was close enough to David's house to spot it from memory. But before he could open his mouth to say anything, Barton threw out a hand.

"Someone's coming." said Barton.

It was barely light enough for Tex to make out a figure of a man as it stepped out of the very house he'd had his eyes on. Thankfully, the figure paid them no mind and simply climbed into his car without a glance.

"Where the hell would he be going at this time of night?" Tex asked as the car engine hummed to life.

"Taco Bell." Tala replied.

The car was long gone by the time that they'd walked up to the front door. Tex reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny metal box the size of a dollar coin.

"What is that?" asked Junji.

"I'll show you." Tex answered as he tossed the box on the doormat.

The box slid under the door. Just a few seconds later, Tex heard the door unlock.

"Slides under doors and grows a little arm to pull or push the handle." Tex followed. "Got it in a Korean gadget store."

"Cameras in the house are taken care of too." said Tala. "And his phone, too, even though it's not exactly inside."

"Look at you. Supporting Google."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Not sure."

After sharing a glance with Barton, Tex opened the door. Tala stepped inside first.

There was a short hallway, and then the condo opened up into a large, well-lit living room. Tex's eyes were drawn to a photo on the wall. 

It was a wedding photo of a man and a woman. The man was the same one they'd seen in the driveway, as well as on Tala's computer. Tex didn't recognize the woman.

The photo was covered in slash marks.

"Sign of a stable man." Tex said as he turned his attention away from the picture.

The condo was of an impressive size, especially considering its location. However, any luxury the place might have had was ruined by the disheveled nature of the inside, as well as the webs of black wires that ran along the floor and walls to support the car-sized computer sitting in the center of the living room.

"That is quite a large set up." Junji remarked.

"This is nothing." Tex replied. "When I first started doing this, folks needed computers the size of a house."

Tala took a seat in the throne of a black squishy chair in front of the massive monitor and put her bag next to her feet. 

"We ready?" Tala asked as she grabbed her laptop from her bag.

"Not exactly, but why don't we go ahead anyway?" answered Tex.

"Sounds good."

With a little shake of her wrist, Tala wiggled the mouse. The screen hummed to life with the request of a password, fingerprint, and iris scan.

"It was worth a shot." Tala followed.

Out of the corner of his eye, Tex caught Junji staring at Tala's hands as she plugged her laptop into one of the many Ethernet ports.

"What is she doing?" Junji asked Tex.

"Computer security is usually too powerful for us to fully break through." Tex explained. "But Tala's figured out a way to find files and edit them on her laptop."

Tala selected a file from David's computer on her screen and opened it in Notepad.

"Looks like it's just a basic universe with a single target." said Tala.

"You do not just delete the code?" Junji asked.

"Well that's kinda like...destroying a whole universe, ain't it?" Tex replied. "We reckon it's better to just add some bunnies and--give everyone mortality."

"Ah. I understand."

"Step one is figuring out how to ease the suffering of whatever poor soul's being tormented so that we can ask them what they want."

"Hmm..."

Tex looked over at Junji to see that his face was shrouded in confusion.

"What is it?" asked Tex.

"How would you ask such a thing?" Junji replied. "I could hardly believe--"

Junji pointed to Tala's laptop.

"--this computer is powerful enough to observe the program." he finished.

"You're right that my laptop isn't powerful enough." Tala replied. "But luckily, I have a couple of computers that are. Two, in specific."

"Where are they?"

Tala answered with a short chuckle.

"We're the computers." Tex explained. "You and me."

"Huh." Junji hummed.

Tex looked over to see that Junji had the start of a small smile growing from the corner of his mouth.

"What?" Tex asked.

"I found what you said to be tasteful." answered Junji.

"There's a time fluctuation in this universe." Tala announced. "Every second out here is a thousand in there. Let me change it to one to one."

"Mmh." Tex replied.

"And...got it."

As Barton paced the ground anxiously, Tala pulled another familiar object from her bag. This one was a small box with three long cords that each stretched out to about thirty feet. Two of the cords were blue, while the third was green.

All three cords ended with a suction cup.

"What is that?" asked Junji.

Junji was asking far more questions than people usually did, although Tex didn't mind in the slightest. Tala stuck the green suction cup to the side of the computer.

"This is an adapter." Tala answered. "It's what's going to let you and Tex take a look at the torture file."

"Do you really gotta call it that?" Tex muttered.

"Grow up."

Along with Junji, Tex was handed a blue wire. Tex took a stand in the center of the room and motioned for Junji to follow.

"Stick the cup to your forehead." Tex instructed Junji after he'd situated himself.

"It will not--it won't--" Junji stammered. "Will it recreate my person inside the computerverse?"

"Computerverse. That's good." Tex mused.

"No." Tala said to Junji. "If you went in, you wouldn't be able to communicate with us. And we'd have to leave your perfectly sentient recreated self in the computer, and that would just be silly."

Junji's nodded with relief. After just a short moment, he opened his mouth back up.

"I'm quite surprised you own an adapter powerful enough to connect to humans." said Junji. "How did you come across it?"

"We found it with the Pain Finder Thing." Tala answered.

"Where did you find the Pain Finder Thing?"

"My friend Sean and I found them both in a dumpster behind McDonald's."

Junji blinked.

"We didn't know what they were." Tala continued. "I only took them because I wanted to see if I could get them to run Doom."

"...I understand."

"First time we booted it up, the screen was covered in a bunch of weird writing. Nothing from any language that's been documented. And it's way more advanced than anything I've ever seen."

"Aliens or time travelers." Barton said. "Only two explanations."

"I believe there could be another explanation." Junji replied.

"Nah. Those are the two that make the most sense."

Junji's eyes squinted in concern.

"I agree that those two explanations currently hold the most weight." he started. "But that does not mean that no other--_hnnng nnnnng._"

Tex only removed his hand from Junji's mouth when he stopped trying to talk.

"Are you two ready?" Tala asked.

"Ready when he is." answered Tex. 

"What should I expect?" Junji questioned.

"A fever dream." 

Barton came over and grabbed the blue cord from Junji’s hand.

"You just need stick this in your forehead." she explained.

_"In?"_ Junji replied.

"On. You won't feel a thing."

Before Junji could say anything else, Barton stuck the suction cup to his forehead. Tex did the same to his own forehead with the wire in his hands.

The living room vanished from Tex's vision and was replaced with the familiar inside of a train car.

It was a small train car, only about twenty feet long. The inside was a lavish yellow velvet, and a bowl of mystery snacks not suitable for humans sat on a gilded table off to the side. The outside of the car was pure black, which peeked through the floor to ceiling windows.

A note on the windows read _Tala was here_.

"I don't understand." said Junji. 

Tex looked to his left to see Junji's body, now semi-transparent to indicate his role as only a spectator.

"You aren't in the program yet." Tala's disembodied voice replied. "I haven't hooked you up to David's computer, so this is just what the adapter shows you when it isn't hooked up to anything."

"When it is, you'll be able to see what's going on through the windows." Tex explained as he pointed. "It's a lot easier to swallow than just being...dumped in the program."

"Is this your code, Tala?" Junji asked.

"No." Tala replied. "But I can make changes to it. Like this."

The sound of Tala clicking her mouse a few times was quickly followed by the appearance of a new throw rug. Tex examined the throw rug to find that it displayed the image of Kim Possible engaged in a passionate embrace with Benito Mussolini.

Tex stopped examining the throw rug.

"This adapter is very impressive." said Junji. "I was initially surprised it was powerful enough to connect to us, but I'm now more impressed that humans are able to connect to it."

"Yeah." Tala replied. "They actually weren't until I enabled backwards compatibility."

Tex jumped when he felt Barton's invisible hands on his shoulders.

"Give me your gun." Barton said as she shoved her hand into his pocket.

Tex sighed but let Barton take his gun. He didn't like to be without it, but it was probably for the best.

"Am I physical?" Junji asked as he poked Tex in the cheek.

"Kinda." Tex replied. "Though the reason I felt that is cause you just did that in real life." 

"Ah!" Junji exclaimed as an invisible force shoved him forward a few feet.

"You're welcome." Barton's voice said from behind the two of them. "Tutorial over. Can we start now?"

"I want to make sure Junji understands how the train works," Tala told Tex, "so I'm going to put you two in my own file before we start. Is that alright?"

"Sure." Tex replied.

As Tala clicked her mouse a few more times, Tex took off his gloves and encouraged Junji to do the same.

The sound of Tala clicking her mouse a few more times was heard again. 

"There you go." said Tala. "Select the file called 'testing'."

"The windows are still dark." Junji noted.

"Oh yeah." Tex replied with a chuckle. "We gotta turn them on first."

Tex walked over to the windows and placed his hand on the glass. He could feel it under his fingers, cold and almost slick. 

"The window needs at least two hands with different fingerprints to activate." he explained. "Try touching the window."

Junji nodded and stepped forward. As soon as he'd added one of his hands, the window sprung to life with the image of Tala's laptop home screen. 

"Touch the file icon with your free hand." Tex told Junji.

Junji complied. He quickly found the file labeled 'testing' and tapped on it with his finger. 

Immediately, an even larger image of Kim Possible and Mussolini appeared on the screen from floor to ceiling.

"Goddamn it, Tala." Tex muttered. 

Junji removed his hand, and the image disappeared. He put his hand back, and the image reappeared.

"Why does the window require two people to turn it on?" asked Junji.

"We don't really know." Tala admitted.

"Maybe it's a protocol measure." Tex said. "To make sure that whatever's going on is at the consent of more than one person."

"Maybe it doesn't matter to us at all." Barton replied. "I wanna be home for dinner."

"Barton's cocaine dependency makes her real impatient." Tex said to Junji. "It's sad, really. Don't do drugs."

"The only drugs I take are hard work and ketamine."

"Alright." said Tala. "I'm attaching you to the computer right now. Any last questions?"

"What's the file name?" Tex wondered.

"Ex-wife."

"What will you be doing?" Junji asked Tex as he selected the file.

"I'm gonna be figuring out how to fix what's going on." Tex replied.

"And what will I be doing?" 

"You're gonna be making sure I keep at least one hand glued to the window."

Junji looked a bit confused but didn't ask any more questions. With all four of their hands on the window, the scene before them changed.

The inner-workings of man-made universes were often a bit hard to interpret, although the train windows usually did a good job of presenting information to Tex in a way that was digestible to him. This particular universe was nothing more than a small, stained room made of cracked grey stone. In the center of it, a screaming woman laid tied down in a cot while an orangutan ripped her face off.

Tex took his hands off the window. The scene disappeared.

"Huh?" asked Junji.

"Nothing." Tex answered as he put his hands back on. 

The image sprung back into life, as well as the piercing scream. Tex immediately felt himself start to sweat.

"Can you find anything about a young lady?" Tex asked Tala through grit teeth.

"Let me check." Tala replied.

Tex gulped as his heart began to pick up with hatred. The scene before him was so awful that he wasn't sure how much longer he could stand to watch. As provided by the speaker on the train, the messy, tortured thoughts of the woman filled the air.

"Her name is Sarah." he said. "She's his ex-wife."

"Yeah, I found her asset." Tala replied.

"I believe the first thing we should do is get rid of the orangutan." said Junji.

"No." Tex quickly cut in. "Tala, find the monkey and check to see if it's conscious."

After a moment, Tala clicked her tongue.

"It is." Tala said. "She also has an asset."

"It's his mother." Tex realized in horror. "Or it was. He locked her in there."

"I can see that. I'll see if I can get her out."

Knowing that he was being counted on to fix the situation, Tex suppressed his urge to vomit and continued to look through the window.

He managed one glance over at Junji to see if he was doing alright. He found that Junji looked fine, if not a bit bored.

"I believe the scene may have looped." Junji said calmly. "Her face just restored itself."

Tex took a short moment to listen to the thoughts swirling around the room.

"You're right." he replied. "But she knows it's looping, and that she's stuck there."

As Tex spoke, he squeezed his eyes shut. 

"She's been there for a real long time." Tex followed.

"Are you alright?" asked Junji.

"Uh."

Tex was not alright.

"I think I know how to get the mother out." Tala said.

In an instant, the orangutan phased away and was replaced by a sobbing older woman.

"Did it work?" Tala followed.

"Yes." Junji replied.

The wife continued to scream. It took Tex a moment to figure out what the source of her pain was, but when he did, he took his hands off the window.

"Are you alright?" Junji repeated. 

"I don't wanna do this." Tex coughed as he sunk to the floor.

Quietly, Tex cried out as Junji grabbed one of his hands and placed it on the window. Junji then maneuvered his own hand so that both their palms touched the glass. 

"What is still hurting her?" Junji asked.

Tex didn't know where to begin. Any explanation he could think of felt too horrible to say. 

"She's getting cut up from the inside." he explained. "She's got--razors running around inside her."

It took Tala a long time to fix the problem, and it took a lot of polite but firm physical persuasion from Junji to keep at least one of Tex's hands on the window. By the time they'd finished, Tex had managed to sweat through his shirt.

"Take me out." Tex pleaded. "I don't want to remember."

Reality returned as the suction cup was pulled from Tex's forehead.

"I can't do this anymore." Tex muttered to Barton as she reached into her pocket. "Don't make me go back in. _Please don't_\--"

Barton removed the thin silver pen from her pocket and pressed it into the tiny metal plate on the back of Tex's neck.

"When it is, you'll be able to see what's going on through the windows." Tex explained as he pointed. "It's a lot easier to swallow than--why am I on the floor?"

Barton waved the pen in front of Tex's face.

"Oh." Tex happily followed. "So's the job done, or do I gotta go back in?"

"It's almost done." Tala answered. "We just have to find out what they want to do."

"What is going on?" asked Junji.

"I just wiped the last twenty minutes of his memory." Barton explained. 

"...You can do that?"

"Yeah, I swiped a memory whatever from Major Anderson after he ate my microwave burrito."

Tex restuck the suction cup to his forehead. The train reappeared before him, as well as two very shaken women.

"How'd it go?" Tex asked Junji.

"I've little to compare it to." Junji replied. "So I'm unsure how to answer."

_"Hello?"_ the younger woman asked.

Junji waved. Neither of the women noticed.

"You and Tex can't actually communicate with them." Tala explained. "I'll send in a pre-programmed guide to spell out the situation to them and ask them what they want."

With a flash of white smoke, Jesus Christ appeared in the room with the two women.

"Why is Jesus the pre-programmed guide?" asked Junji.

"...Why not?" Tex answered.

Jesus began to explain the situation to the women, who listened with expressions of disbelief. Whenever they asked a question, Tex cited it to Tala who then typed in Jesus's response.

It took the women about twenty minutes to understand the entire situation. Upon understanding, Sarah asked that her ex-husband be killed.

_"I'm not usually in support of murder, but we will make sure of it._" Jesus replied.

David's mother chose to be deleted, which Tala was able to do with ease. Sarah, however, chose to continue her existence on the grounds that she'd be able to die anytime, and that they'd return if her world became corrupted again. To keep her company, Tala added a planet with some bunnies, seventeen new elements to play with, and an assortment of bachelors.

"Can she orgasm?" Junji questioned.

Although Tex wasn't drinking anything, he still managed to spit something out.

"...What?" Tex asked once he'd finished sputtering.

"What?" Junji replied.

After they'd finished, Tala sped time back up on Sarah's end as much as the computer would allow it. The scene before Tex began to shift into a blur too rapid for him to make much out. After just a few minutes, Tex notified Tala that there was no longer any signs of life.

"Well," Tala said slowly, "she made it about five-hundred years before peacefully yeeting herself."

"Longer than usual." Tex replied. "You must've done a good job with the world."

"Yep, we can shut down the program now."

The windows of the train car turned dark for a moment before it returned to the file select screen. Tex put his gloves back on. Although Junji looked like he had a few more questions, he was interrupted by Barton clearing her throat.

"We're about to get some company." she said. "Everybody, shut it."

Tex pulled the cord from his head. After helping Junji take off his, he fell silent along with everyone else.

There was a click as the front door opened and closed.

David was on his phone as he turned the corner. Had Barton not cleared her throat again, Tex wouldn't have been surprised if he'd tried to sit down on top of Tala.

"What the fuck?" David yelped as he looked up from his phone.

David's face matched the picture from the wedding photo perfectly. Had it not, Tex might have had a harder time pulling the gun out of his pocket and turning off the safety.

Tex's handgun was a lightweight semi-automatic pistol with a built-in silencer and eight shots if properly topped off. With its body of clear, hard plastic and its unique ability to fold into a neat little box that could hold a handful of dice perfectly, it proved itself able to get through any metal detector. In a single double action shot, Tex landed a bullet right through David's eyes.

The gun had cost him a fortune.

"Famous last words." Tex said as David's body crumpled to the ground.

David had been carrying a brown paper bag, which fell to the floor alongside him. Tex immediately began to wonder what was inside.

"Welp." Barton said as she knelt down next to David. "Time to make it look like he shot himself."

"What's in the bag?" asked Tala.

"...Taco Bell." 

"Good. That'll help."

Something felt like it was missing. Tex snapped his fingers when he realized what it was.

"Feels weird to do this without a sermon." Tex noted.

Barton and Tala muttered in agreement. Junji raised an eyebrow.

"Sermon?" he asked.

"Marta was big into those." Tex replied.

"Ah."

While Tala spread Diablo sauce on David's corpse in an artistic fashion, Barton planted a cheap handgun they'd gotten from the pawn shop that also fired .380 rounds in his right hand.

"You take a bullet out?" Tex asked Barton.

_"Did you take a bullet out?"_ Barton mocked. "Fuck off."

"Is this what you always do?" asked Junji.

"Pretty much." Tex replied.

Once Tala had finished with the Taco Bell, Barton fished David's phone from his pocket.

"His phone's unlocked." Barton said as she checked the screen. "If you were gonna kill yourself, what music would you play?"

"All Naruto opening theme songs compilation." Tala answered immediately.

"That's already what he was listening to." 

Tex couldn't help but feel a little guilty until he remembered that he didn't actually feel guilty at all.

"How did he manage to recreate his ex-wife inside of a program?" Junji asked.

"Black market DNA converters." Tala replied.

"So that's what they are used for..."

"Well, originally they were made to help Dick Cheney try to download himself into a robot body."

"Did he--did it work?"

"Yeah, but not like he hoped. He was dumb enough to think that it would somehow transfer his consciousness, but all it did was create a second Dick Cheney."

Tex narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"I thought Dick Cheney was dead." said Tex.

"He is." Tala replied. "And his robot copy, too."

"How'd they die?"

"That's a funny story, actually. They both shot each other in the head at the same time in separate hunting accidents."

Not wanting to spend too much time in David's house, they quickly retreated after Barton had finished laying David's body out in a positioned that fit with the location and angle of the bullet in the wall.

"Aaaand, the cameras in the house are back on." Tala said once they'd gotten out of the block.

"Will the police not wonder why the footage was frozen during the time of David's death?" Junji asked.

"They prolly won't even look." Tex replied. "We just did that to make sure we don't get caught if they figure something's up."

"Why wouldn't they look?"

"No one ever really puts up a fuss about the guys we kill." 

Junji didn't reply. As Tex ran his own words back through his head, he felt a quick twinge of guilt.

Although he wasn't sure why.

Every camera that they'd turned off had been turned back on by the time they'd gotten back to the car. Tex folded up his gun and put it back in his pocket.

"Why did you learn to shoot?" Junji asked.

"Somebody had to put horses down." answered Tex.

Tala drove them to the train station with her bag of tech shit in the passenger seat. Tex sat with Barton in the middle row, while Junji sat in the back. 

"I'm tired." Barton announced.

"I have a question for you." Junji said to Barton.

"What is it?" 

"Might I ask you how your memory eraser works?"

"Yeah, sure."

Without Tex's permission, Barton yanked him over and made him tilt his head so that Junji could see the back of his neck.

"You gotta have the receptor in your neck for it to work." she said as she pointed to the small metal plate. "Now that I think about it, I was supposed to give you one before we shipped out today."

Junji said nothing.

"So, uh, sorry if you got scarred for life." Barton followed.

"That's alright." Junji replied.

Barton took a tiny plastic bag out of her pocket. After opening it and pulling out another tiny metal plate, she climbed halfway over her seat.

"Here." she said as she brought her hand around to the back of Junji's neck. "I can do it now."

"I do not want--"

Barton stuck the plate into Junji's neck before he could protest. A moment after she pulled her finger away, his face contorted with pain.

"Oh, yeah, it's really painful." Barton noted. 

_"Hhhaah_..."

"I thought it would be better if you didn't know."

"You alright?" Tex asked Junji as he fell sideways in his seat and curled up in a little ball.

"He's fine." Barton answered as she gave Junji a poke with her finger. "Stop being a little girl."

Tex waited for Barton to put her headphones on and immediately start snoring before unhooking his seat belt and climbing into the backseat. Junji was still curled into himself, his face soaked with sweat.

"How long will this last?" Junji muttered.

"About ten minutes." Tex replied. "You want some morphine?"

"No, I will make do."

Tex stayed in the backseat with Junji even after his breathing started to regulate. He couldn't help but feel like he should have prepped Junji better. 

"Sorry for not giving you more details before I hired you." said Tex.

"It's fine."

"I just...I don't want too many people knowing what we're doing, and how we're doing it. Things could get real messy real quick."

"Trust me when I say I understand."

Junji was doing a lot better once they got back to the train station. Still, Tex felt bad.

"You alright?" Tex muttered to Junji as the train departed.

"I am fine." Junji replied. "You worry too much."

"Good. You up for doing this again?"

"Absolutely."

"Alright. We got a meeting at noon tomorrow."

"Same place?"

"Yeah."

Junji nodded. Tex supposed that Junji's first day could have gone worse.


	3. Output

Considering the fact that they lived in the same building, Tex shouldn't have been surprised to see Junji outside his apartment complex at eleven thirty in the morning.

Junji was standing next to a flower bed, checking something on his phone. Tex didn't see any reason not to say hello. 

"Howdy." Tex greeted. 

After taking one last look at his phone, Junji slid it into his pocket and looked up.

"Hello." he replied.

"Where you headed?"

"To the meeting you called. At noon."

"Great. I'll walk you there."

Junji looked like he was about to say something else but cut himself off as Tex took off in the direction of work. After a moment, Junji caught up.

"You are very friendly." said Junji.

"I could push you into the street, if you want."

Junji made a face that Tex couldn't read as they waited for the walk light. When it came, Junji took off right away.

"Would you like to run?" Junji asked as they crossed.

"To work?" Tex replied. "Why?"

"Why not?" 

"But--why?"

"It is faster than walking, but more economical than driving."

"Oh."

"It also allows me to both exercise and transport myself at the same time, which I consider to be in my best interest." 

"I get y--"

"And the less time I spend clogging up the streets, the better."

Before Tex could even think of anything else to say, Junji took off into a quick jog. Not wanting to be left behind, Tex urged himself to pick up the pace. 

"Ever consider biking?" Tex asked after he'd caught up.

"Ah, no." 

"Why not?"

"Self-respect."

The office was only a few blocks away. Even though his shoes were starting to pinch his feet, Tex was sure he could make it fine.

Although he did feel a bit self-conscious. Luckily, there weren't too many people on the road for once.

"You mind if I ask you something?" Tex pushed. 

"I do not." Junji replied.

"What'd you think of the job?"

"I thought it was different than what I did before."

"...Kinda vague answer."

"It was a vague question."

Tex took a while to come up with his response. As he thought, he did his best to pretend he was less winded than he was.

"Most people find the job pretty absurd." said Tex.

Junji didn't reply. Wanting to listen to something other than the sound of himself panting, Tex opened his mouth back up.

"Got any thoughts on that?" he followed.

"I did not find it more absurd than any other aspect of life."

They came in range of a cross street. Tex watched with mild irritation as a silver Honda slowed to a stop before them while they were still a good ten seconds away.

"If you had continued at your previous speed, you would have been out of our ways by the time we'd arrived." Junji called to the driver as they jogged in front of the car. "Please consider this the next time you decide to make a bad decision."

"My thoughts exactly." Tex said once they'd finished crossing.

"Exactly?"

"Yours had a couple more words."

As they neared in on the building, the amount of people on the sidewalk increased. The two of them were forced to stop running as a group of passerbys left a shop in front of them and slowed to a stop on the pavement outside the door.

For lack of a way around, Tex followed Junji onto the street.

"Your decisions to stand in clumps on the sidewalk have a negative impact on the whole of society." Junji said as they walked past the group. "Please reconsider."

"Go fuck yourself, dude." one of them replied.

"I most certainly will."

A question popped into Tex's head once they were out of earshot.

"That work in Japan?" he asked.

"No."

Tex was perplexed and almost out of breath when they reached the building. To his horror, Junji made his way over to the staircase upon entering rather than the elevator.

The office was on floor eight.

"I'll, uh, I'll see you up there." Tex stumbled as Junji opened the door to the stairs.

"Very well." 

The door closed behind Junji with a little clunk. Tex could see through the little window on the door that Junji was still running.

Tex couldn't help but feel a bit bad about himself as the elevator took him up. He knew he was in pretty good shape, but it stung a bit to get showed up by the only other man in the office.

Junji was already in the office by the time Tex arrived, as were Tala and Barton. Tex wasn't sure why everyone had decided to show up five minutes early, but he supposed it at least gave him some time to talk to Barton.

Barton was reading a physical copy of the newspaper with her feet up on the table. She didn't look up as Tex made his way over.

"How'd he do yesterday?" Tex asked.

With a tiny groan, Barton put the paper down.

"Who?" she replied.

"Junji, you dumb moron."

Although Junji was on the other side of the room and wearing ear buds, Tex did his best to keep his voice down.

"You wiped my memory, remember?" Tex followed. "How'd he do?"

"Oh. He did fine." Barton replied with a scowl.

"You don't look like he did fine."

"He did fine. It's just..."

"Just what?"

"He's a weirdo." 

"Nothing wrong with being a little weird."

"He's more than a little weird."

Tex snuck a look over at Junji, who was arranging the frozen dinners in alphabetical order.

"Maybe the Japanese are just like that." Tex shrugged.

"How did he even get here? Where'd he come from?"

Tex frowned.

"Since when do you care about stuff?" he asked.

"Do me a favor." Barton stated.

"What?"

"Find out why he's so weird."

"Hell am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know. Take him out to lunch."

"Why don't you do--"

Tex cut himself off as Barton widened her eyes at him and made a brief cutting gesture across her neck. Tex turned around in his chair to see Junji standing behind him.

"It is noon." said Junji.

"What about it?" Tex asked.

"The meeting starts at noon."

Tex looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was one minute past twelve.

"You're right." he replied. "Let's get started. Tala, give me the file."

As Junji sat down at the table, Tala walked over and slapped a thin folder into Tex's hands. Tex gave it a short read just to make sure he knew what was going on.

"Looks like we're going to Korea tomorrow." Tex said once he'd finished. "That alright with everyone?"

"Which Korea?" asked Barton.

"North."

"...Really?"

"No."

Barton frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. 

"This is our target." Tex continued as he held up the file.

The man's name was Hwan Young. He was a thirty-five year old man from Itaewon who lived alone. All Tex knew about him was that he'd once scarfed down thirty hot dogs in ten minutes for an eating contest, as was evident with the picture that Tala had chosen to use of him. 

"I like that in a man." Tala swooned.

"Anyone got any questions?" asked Tex.

"What is the time frame?" Junji replied.

"About three or four hours. We'll meet at ten."

"Should I bring anything?"

"Nah, we'll have everything you need."

The meeting wrapped up quickly. Tex felt a little bad about calling a meeting that only ended up being around fifteen minutes long, but he wasn't about to suggest they use Skype to talk about their murder plans.

As Junji made his way out of the room, Tex felt Barton's eyes on him. Barton gestured to the door with her head when he looked over.

Tex sighed. After power walking out the door, he caught up with Junji in the patch of hall right outside the stairwell.

"Hey, uh, how's it going?" Tex managed.

"It goes fine." Junji replied.

"You doing anything right now?"

"There are things I have to do, although they do not have to be done at this moment."

"You wanna go somewhere with me?"

Junji's eyes narrowed in mild suspicion.

"Why?" he asked.

"You ain't from here." Tex answered. "Seems rude not to give you a tour."

"...How long would it take?"

"Long as you want."

"I suppose I can think of no reason not to."

"Good enough for me."

Junji didn't reply. The silence that followed was long enough for Tex to start to feel uncomfortable.

"Anything new with you?" asked Tex.

"My urine has been unusually cloudy."

"Good to know. Let's go." 

Tex opened the door to the stairs. Junji nodded and took off in a jog. Thankfully, Tex managed the way down without sweating through his work clothes. 

He welcomed the cold air on his face as they left the building.

"Let's go somewhere." he suggested.

"Mhm."

They passed through the parking lot. Tex usually left his car at work, as even though it was a bit away, parking was so hard to come by that he likely couldn't have done much better. 

"Why don't we drive?" Tex asked.

Junji looked like he didn't want to drive but couldn't think of an excuse as to why they shouldn't. With no expression on his face, he followed Tex down to the parking lot.

"This is my car." Tex followed as he pointed. "The one in number twenty-five."

"The one with the flags?"

Tex had a small flag pole stuck on his dashboard. He didn't understand how or why everyone noticed it so quickly and insisted on commenting.

"Yeah." he replied.

Junji beat Tex to the car and settled up next to the driver's side door.

"Did you wanna drive?" asked Tex.

Junji shot another look through the window to the steering wheel.

"No." he answered as he switched to the passenger side.

After he'd unlocked the driver's side door, Tex unlocked the passenger's side so that Junji could get in.

"What is this flag?" Junji asked as he pointed to the tiny flag pole. "The one with only a single star."

"That's the flag of Texas."

"Is there a reason it's hung over the American flag?"

"It's where it belongs."

Junji replied with a tiny hum. Tex wasn't sure what to make of it.

"You been to the states before?" asked Tex.

"No." Junji answered.

"What do you wanna see?"

"I'm not sure what there is to choose from."

"What kinda places you like?"

"Places without people I don't know."

"Don't know how much I can do for you there on a tour of the city."

"Places where I am not required to speak to people I don't know."

"Guess we'll go uptown then."

The ride didn't take long, although finding a spot to park did. Every lot was private. Tex finally settled on parking in the aquarium lot, as they'd never noticed before that his parking pass was fake.

Tex turned off the car and unlocked the door so that Junji could get out.

The air outside the car was almost frigid. Wanting to get out of the cold as quickly as possible, Tex scanned his surroundings. After darting his eyes between a luxury hotel coated in gilded tiling and a gaggle of people shooting heroin, his gaze finally settled on the art museum.

"Art museum usually ain't too crowded." Tex told Junji. "And you don't gotta talk to nobody but the coat guy."

"Very well."

As they walked up to the museum, Junji grabbed a water bottle from his small bag and took a long sip from it. 

"Oh, I forgot about the bag check." Tex muttered. "You got any weapons in that thing?"

"Not in my bag, no."

"Huh."

"Will they check the rest of my person?"

"Nah. Just don't kill anybody."

Junji slung his bag back over his shoulder as they passed through the doors. Wanting to be polite, Tex paid for Junji.

"Can I take your coat?" asked the coat guy.

"No." Junji replied.

The inside of the museum was classy enough to make Tex feel under-dressed. The architecture seemed to consist mostly of twisted granite pillars and high ceilings.

It wasn't too crowded.

"Got a favorite kind of art?" Tex asked Junji in a quieter voice.

"Erotic."

Tex managed not to choke on his own saliva, but it took a substantial amount of dedication. Junji grabbed a pamphlet that outlined the exhibits.

"Softcore or hardcore?" Tex pushed.

"Realistic." 

"So softcore."

"Usually. Although the more realistic of erotic art has a higher tendency to fall under softcore when examining raw statistics, I don't believe that necessarily needs to be the case."

Tex supposed Junji had a point.

"What art do you enjoy?" asked Junji.

Tex had to think to himself for a while before coming up with a response. He didn't usually think much about art.

"I like weird stuff." Tex answered. "Specially if it's kinda surreal."

"How do you feel about depictions of purgatory?"

"Strongly in favor."

"According to this guide, there is a nearby exhibit dedicated to depictions of purgatory."

"Let's go, then." 

Junji led the way. Had Tex known prior that the art museum had a depictions of purgatory exhibit, he would have gone much sooner. He examined Junji's pamphlet to see that the purgatory exhibit was up first if they took a left, followed by an art show, a children's learning room, an abstract exhibit, and an exhibit called _Internet Art of the Young_.

Upon entering the first room, Tex settled up to the first painting he saw. Junji stuck close by his side.

"What do you think?" Tex asked.

The painting was a simple one, of about half a dozen bored-looking people engulfed in flames. 

"Too tame." Junji replied. "It might as well be a textbook diagram."

"How bout this one?"

"That one is better."

The new painting was much bigger than the last. Tex's eyes were drawn to the upper right hand corner, where a giant egg of a man sat with his mouth wide open. All of his featured were stuck to his rounded chest, and a plethora of naked humans poured from his teeth. Atop his head sat a crude circus tent of more people, all of who had taken to participating in bizarre shenanigans of their own.

"Although I suspect that it likely means I've missed the point," Junji followed, "art of this nature always makes me long for context."

Tex hummed in amusement. But as a few more moments went by, he felt his amusement fall away to a sense of mild nausea.

"Well, this is getting weird." Tex announced. "Spite what I said, I reckon I might be purgatoried out for the day."

"Reminded of your job?"

"...Yeah."

Tentatively, Tex began to walk towards the entrance into the next exhibit. He sped up his pace once Junji began to follow.

The next room over was a large one, filled with about forty or fifty people. Maybe a dozen of the people were standing next to little tables that displayed paintings that Tex assumed they'd made. Everyone else was wandering around the room to examine the art or engage in conversation with the artists.

The paintings all had price tags stuck to them.

There were a few empty tables and easels, so Tex assumed it was an open mic sort of deal. He would have liked to talk to some of the artists, but Junji didn't look particularly comfortable.

"Next room it is." Tex said as he led the two of them forward.

The next exhibit turned out to be less of an exhibit and more of what appeared to be an arts and crafts station. A large group of small children scrambled around the room.

The children were all coated in a thin layer of paint and glitter. They each had a black canvas. Some of them were smushing their paint-covered hands into the canvas, while others were drawing crude designs with their fingers. The few that had finished were sealing the paintings in varnish.

One boy had taken to licking the canvas.

"It's...very good!" a parent told the boy once he'd finished with his spit painting.

"Uhg." Junji muttered to Tex. "It is _not_ good."

"Don't like supportive parenting?" asked Tex.

"I think it best you know now that if we ever raise a child together, I would not tolerate you celebrating such mediocrities."

"How--how likely do you think us raising a child together is gonna be?"

"Minuscule."

Tex gave Junji a long stare of confusion.

"It is not just about likelihood." Junji followed. "For example, I suspect getting tear-gassed to be significantly less likely than tripping on the sidewalk and scraping my hand. But which one am I prepped for?"

Junji quickly opened his bag to show Tex the gas mask he'd packed.

"You're a wacko." Tex replied as they made their way to the next exhibit.

The next exhibit was for abstract art. It was large enough to be populated by half a dozen people. As he took another swig from his water bottle, Junji made a break for the corner that was the least populated and settled before a painting.

Tex followed and examined the painting once he was in proper range. It was composed completely of several rectangles, all of them solid color. The rectangles were separated by a thick black line.

Tex looked over to the left to see that it had been named _Game of Life_.

"I hate it." Junji announced. 

"Uhuh."

"I hate this whole collection. What is this?"

Junji gestured to the wall perpendicular to them. Tex followed his finger to see a painting that was nothing more than a red canvas with some white slashes through the color. 

"All a painting this abstract can be is subjective interpretation." Junji said as they looked at the slashed red canvas. "My subjective interpretation of this painting is that it is bad and I hate it."

"So, um, you're an objective kinda guy then, huh?" Tex asked, wanting to show of his vocabulary skills.

Junji let out a tiny scoff.

"Not at all." he replied. "If I had money, I would bet that you could not form an objective statement."

The corner of Tex's mouth twisted in thought. 

"Ain't got no faith." said Tex. "I'll take your bet."

"Give me one, then."

Tex thought to himself for a moment. Junji watched with eyes filled with expectation. 

"Killing people is bad." Tex stated.

After a brief moment of disbelief, Junji let out a mocking laugh.

"Is that truly the best you could think of?" he asked. "We killed a man yesterday."

"How bout this. Killing people is usually bad."

"According to who. God?"

"No, according to me. And most other people."

"Then it is subjective."

Junji had a point. Tex decided that it was best he try something more literal.

"The ground is flat." Tex said as he pointed at the floor.

Tex knew that his statement was probably going to get ripped to shreds, but he was interested in seeing how exactly Junji was going to do it.

"I can assure you that if you viewed it microscopically, you would see that it's covered in bumps." Junji replied.

"Alright, then. The ground is covered in bumps."

"Have you considered it from the perspective of a higher dimensional being?" 

Tex's eyes squinted half shut.

"Or perhaps you are delusional and only hallucinating a floor which is not there at all." Junji continued. "Can you truly rule that out?"

"How bout this. The floor looks flat to me."

Junji set his jaw with confusion and put a hand under his chin. Tex waited patiently for his response.

Half a minute later, Junji was still silent.

Tex sucked in a breath. Junji snapped out of his trance and shot a look in his direction.

"There an end to this?" asked Tex.

Junji set his jaw with confusion once again and put a hand under his chin. After another twenty seconds passed, Tex gave Junji a tiny nudge.

"That statement is the most subjective, and yet it is objective." Junji muttered. "I'm so confused."

"Why do you hate abstract art?"

Immediately, Junji's bewildered expression ditched itself for one of irritation and resentment.

"Abstract art." he groaned. "A horrid, beatnik creation. As a young man, I once managed to bribe lawmakers into rendering the buying and selling of such art illegal." 

"How'd that play out?" Tex asked.

"It became a black market delicacy. No one was happy."

"Could've warned you of that."

"Yes. If only my associates had shared my impassion. We could have purged it from society."

"You--you're kidding, right?"

"About what?"

"Ah, nothing."

While Tex made himself busy feeling confused and a bit scared, Junji went back to staring at the art with disapproval. 

"I've an idea." said Junji.

"Idea for what?"

"A statement. You may come with me if you like."

The confusion and fear that Tex had been feeling at first doubled, and then tripled as Junji took off and out of the room the way they'd came. Still, Tex's curiosity and the new threat of boredom quickly won over him. So without too much more thought, Tex took off towards where Junji had left just in time to see him quickly grab a blank black canvas and slip it under his coat before any of the occupied children or parents could notice.

"Oh, you came." Junji said as Tex caught up to him, just next to the other door.

"Yeah, though I got a feeling I'm gonna regret it."

"Would you do me a favor?"

"What can I do you for?"

"Get me some varnish." 

Tex took a long glance over his shoulder at the room behind him. By the time he'd returned his gaze, Junji was gone.

With a tiny sigh, Tex wandered back into the children-infested room. The atmosphere was chaotic enough that still no one noticed as he grabbed a spare paintbrush and a cup of varnish.

Junji appeared back at the door a moment later and urged for Tex to follow. The two of them settled in a small grove beside the bathrooms that provided a little privacy from passerbys. With a little noise of accomplishment, Junji removed the small canvas from his coat.

Tex could see that it was now covered in a few chalky streaks of white.

"May I have the varnish?" Junji asked as he took out a ballpoint pen and signed his work with a squiggle.

Tex handed Junji the varnish and paintbrush. Junji balanced the canvas on his knee while he applied a thin coat of varnish.

"Thank you." Junji followed.

"What'd you do?"

"I'd thought you would have figured it out."

"Hell's that supposed to mean?"

Junji said nothing. Tex looked around one last time to realize that they were right next to the bathrooms.

"Oh no." said Tex. "You--you didn't."

"I did tell you my urine was unusually cloudy, did I not?"

"That's icky."

"I even kept my eyes closed to assure that the pattern of urine on the canvas was created in a truly arbitrary manner."

Junji finished with the varnish and handed the cup and brush back to Tex. Tex could barely keep up as Junji took off for the next room.

Tex followed to see they were back at the art show. Both Tex's anxiety and curiosity peaked as Junji quickly grabbed one of the unused canvas stands and plopped down at an empty booth. Seeing nothing better to do, Tex examined the painting. 

After joining Junji at his little booth, Tex watched as Junji grabbed a paper tag and scribbled in the name _Valid Contribution to Society. _

"I can't believe you're doing this." Tex muttered with wide eyes as a lone older woman walked forward.

"Hello!" the woman greeted.

"Hello." Junji replied.

"I haven't seen you before. What's your name?"

"Michiko Sakurai. I'm from a few cities over."

"Tell me about your work."

The woman seemed good-natured enough to make Tex pray that whatever Junji had planned wasn't too mean. 

"I tried white water color on an impasto acrylic background for the effect." Junji explained. "I've been experimenting with--mixing paint types for a while now."

"Innovative." she happily replied. "What's it about?"

"Whatever you wish it to be."

_"Oooh_."

Although it was subtle, Junji's face fell with further irritation. 

Tex felt a sudden urge to humor the woman. He wasn't sure if it was out of kindness or the fear of looking like a jackass with nowhere to be, but he opened his mouth before Junji could reply. 

"I think it's about wealth distribution." he offered.

Both Junji and the woman gave Tex a little glance.

"The whole thing is in the shape of our country." Tex continued. "This line here is coming up from DC, where the money's getting printed cause we're in a spending deficit. But it all--"

Tex pointed to the leftmost spiral. 

"--ends up in California anyway." he finished.

"Oh, I see it." the woman replied as she turned back to Junji. "You're a genius."

"What?" asked Junji. "I am no--"

Tex kicked Junji in the foot.

"Don't be rude." Tex whispered as the woman waved a few of her friends over.

"See, it's about inflation." the woman told her friends. "The line up there represents all the money that the government prints--or something."

"Oh, that's why it's called Valid Contribution to Society!" one of them replied. "Cause it's a clever eff-you to the establishment."

Junji's eyes widened into saucers.

"I don't know what an establishment is or why anyone would question its importance." he said to deaf ears. "But--"

Tex kicked Junji in the foot again, harder this time.

"I wish I'd drowned myself in the toilet while I'd had the chance." Junji muttered to Tex.

"How much?" the woman asked.

Junji stared. After a moment, Tex caught him glancing over at the price tags on the other paintings.

"Two hundred and twenty dollars." answered Junji.

"I'll take it." she replied.

"I'd take it for two thirty." Tex offered.

Junji shot Tex a quick look. Tex shrugged.

They ended up settling on three hundred after a few of the woman's friends also started bidding. Tex felt a massive rush of accomplishment as she opened her wallet.

"Sorry, I don't see your card reader." she said to Junji after she'd removed her card.

Tex took a glance around to room to see that all the other artists had card readers.

"Uh--" Junji started.

"It's right here." Tex said as he opened his bag and shuffled for his card reader. "Forgot to set it up for him earlier."

Junji looked only a little confused as Tex fished out the card reader. He handed Tex his phone, although Tex swapped it out with his own when no one was looking as he was doubtful Junji's had the proper set up to receive money.

The card reader accepted the woman's card without issue. She left the room with a smile and a painting that Tex legitimately hoped made her happy. 

"How's it going, sell out?" Tex asked as Junji took off back the way they'd come.

"It would have been rude to deny her." Junji replied. "Don't you think?"

Tex still had a few more words about the events that had transpired, but he thought it best to wait until they had finished up. There was still one exhibit that they had left to explore.

When they found it, Tex's eyes were assaulted by a flash of colors.

"Internet art of the young." Tex remembered. "Gen V art."

"What is Gen V?"

"Fifteen to twenty-seven year olds, I think. Don't quote me."

The first thing Tex saw upon entering the exhibit was a two panel comic that looked like it had gone through the visual equivalent of being bit crushed. In the first panel, Lightning McQueen was being asked not to use his phone at the dinner table. On the second panel, he was standing silently by for another year as Chelsea Manning continued to serve prison time for exposing the blood-tainted crimes of the military industrial complex under his presidency.

"I support this art style." Junji stated.

"You do?"

"Yes. It makes me feel very stupid."

"...Alright."

Tex took a look at the Gen V section on Junji's pamphlet. To his surprise, he recognized one of the names.

"Hey, Tala's name is in here." Tex said fondly. "Guess she got something up in this place."

"Oh."

"Good for her! I'm real proud."

Tex found Tala's painting off to the side. To his momentary confusion, it was nothing but a completely blank canvas.

The painting was titled _Society_.

Junji made a small choked sound. When Tex looked over, he saw that Junji was holding back a laugh.

"I wish I'd thought of this before urinating on a canvas." said Junji.

Tex broke a smile.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"I feel I am missing significant cultural context. Still, I am certain this is high satire."

Junji's smile was a bit infectious. Tex found a grin on his own face as Junji scoffed out a short chuckle. 

Compared to the other exhibits, they spent the most amount of time in the Gen V exhibit and only left once they'd both started to get headaches. Tex had thought Junji was done with the museum once they'd started to head back to the entrance, but to his surprise, he found that Junji's pace slowed as they made their way back through the abstract art exhibit.

Junji's attention seemed to be on a specific painting, one that Tex hadn't noticed his first time through. Tex halted his own feet so that he could get a look.

The painting was larger than the others. Against a pattern of clever, ombre squares, a tree grew. At the top of its trunk, the wood split into three branches that grew further up into the sky. As Tex's eyes continued to raise, he saw that each of the new three branches also split into two or more even smaller branches. The pattern of inverted triangles continued until it was cut off by the top of the painting. The wood of the tree was painted with a thicker, more buttery paint, which gave it a nice effect.

The title of the painting, which had been placed right below the base of the tree, was _Output_. For just a short moment, Tex felt like he understood basic programming.

"I feel bad." Junji stated.

"Why do you feel bad?"

"Perhaps I've done nothing more than conflate the laziness of a few paintings with an entire genre."

Tex looked over to see that Junji's face was tense with concentration.

"Now that I think of it," Junji continued, "abstract art may have a high potential for communication. Stripping down a component to its most basic nature is an excellent way of communicating an idea."

Tex nodded and said nothing. Junji opened his mouth again.

"I will say this." said Junji. "I am alright with an art piece if it's a true representation of the components of a concept. But I would find it much less respectable if it was simply a collection of random components. Why would I be interested in a work that the artist had no interest in?"

"Look, I hear you.” Tex replied. “But what if, hypothetically—”

“Of course.”

“—you take an arbitrary piss of components on a canvas, but it actually ends up being an alright explanation of inflation...or something. Do it really matter?"

"Perhaps not to society. But it matters to me."

"I reckon people kinda like coming up with their own little idea about what something means. It's part of the fun."

"And I would be supportive of them doing that, so long as their ideas refrained from being poor."

Junji's tone was so judgmental that Tex couldn't help but chuckle.

"I think it looks nice." said Tex.

"Uhuh." 

"You think too much."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Tex chuckled to himself again, louder this time.

"You wanna go get your money?" he asked.

"Absolutely."

Tex was content as he let Junji led them towards the exit. He would have been alright spending more time looking at art, but he thought it best to go to the bank before he forgot.

"Well, this has been almost completely non-applicable to our daily lives." Junji said as they walked down the front steps. "Which I suppose means it was an utter waste of time."

"Yeah, I had fun too."

They found an ATM at the McDonald's across the street. Tex was forced by the manager to purchase a sauce cup before he was able to print Junji the money.

"I cannot take all of this." Junji said as Tex tried to hand him all three hundred dollars.

"It's yours."

"You helped me get it. You deserve half."

"If you don't take it, I'm gonna spend it on scratch offs."

Junji took the money. 

The ride back was less quiet than the ride there had been. Junji seemed more content to answer Tex's questions about how he was doing in his new place, and if he was getting enough to eat.

"You meddle." Junji stated.

"Yeah, a little."

Junji replied with a little hum of amusement. Suddenly, Tex remembered why he'd asked Junji to go to the museum with him in the first place.

"Mind if I meddle a little more?" asked Tex.

"Not terribly."

"You gonna be alright?"

"Why would I not be alright?"

"You left your country. And your family."

Junji said nothing.

"You sure you want to do this?" Tex pushed. "You don't gotta work here."

"I want to work here."

"...Why?"

"I consider the work you do to be of an extremely high priority." 

"Yeah, I do too."

Tex exited the freeway. The quality of the road began to drop as they got closer to the junction.

"I usually park at work." Tex said. "But I can drop you off back at the complex if you want."

"Would it be a disservice?"

"Nah, it's on the way."

"Then I would be fine with that." 

Junji sat with his hands in his lap as Tex turned off the main road. Expertly, Tex navigated around the potholes, sidewalk cracks, and lanes blocked off for the city's eternal construction projects.

"Your city's infrastructure is poor." Junji remarked.

"Uhuh." Tex replied.

"We are in a wealthy part of town. Why are the roads in this state?"

"Depends on who you ask."

"I'm asking you."

"Government."

"What about it?"

"Too much of it." 

"...I wish I'd asked someone else."

Tex slowed to a stop in front of the loading bay of their complex. Junji unfastened his seat belt.

"Thank you for the ride." said Junji.

"Yeah, course."

"Your company was pleasant. I would like to do this again next week."

Tex felt a sudden wave of accomplishment. Although he was still a little worried about Junji killing him, being a thirty-eight year old man in an unfamiliar city and a culture he wasn't used to had left him a little desperate for friendships.

"Oh, uh, sure." Tex replied.

With a final nod, Junji left the car and jogged up to the building. Tex looked at his phone with a little groan to see that Barton had texted him.

** From Grand Jackass **  
how'd it go?

Tex didn't think for very long before giving his response.

**To Grand Jackass**  
it went alright. i like him. we're hanging out again

**From Grand Jackass**  
i'm so happy for you

**From Grand Jackass**  
as a tip, i've heard that if you lie in opposite directions you can suck each other's dicks at the same time

**From Grand Jackass**  
did you learn anything about him or not?

**To Grand Jackass**  
not really. he's just kinda

**To Grand Jackass**  
agnostic

**From Grand Jackass**  
agnostic?

**To Grand Jackass**  
militantly

It took Barton a long time to reply. By the time Tex's phone buzzed again, he'd long since put it back in his pocket.

** From Grand Jackass **  
that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard


	4. Social Security

Getting to Korea proved itself easy enough. Tex wasn't a big fan of traveling to other countries, but he had to admit it was much better than it had been a few years prior. Ever since it had become public knowledge that the TSA had managed to stop less than zero terrorist attacks, full body scans had been rendered illegal.

Luggage checks and pat downs, however, had only gotten more intense.

"How will we get through security?" Junji asked as they left the car.

"My gun don't set off the alarms." Tex replied. "It ain't made of metal."

"What about the bullets?" 

Tex hummed out a small noise of discomfort. He'd been hoping Junji wouldn't ask.

"We used to have a saying in the marine corps." Barton said as she gave Tex's shoulder a pat. "No one likes shoving things up the tailpipe more than a country boy."

"Ah." Junji replied. "What about the gun we plan to plant on our target?"

"Barton's got a hole in her shoulder." Tex answered, swatting Barton's hand away.

"It's from the time I was shot with a boulder." said Barton.

"Does your gun not use the same bullets?" Junji asked Tex.

"...What?" Tex replied.

"The gun we've bought to plant uses the same kind of ammunition as your gun. If the gun in Barton's shoulder is loaded, you could just move bullets from her gun to yours prior to landing."

Tex felt his face turn white. Next to him, Barton had to put a hand on her knee to keep from falling over.

"You've been--you've been carrying bullets up your ass for five years." she wheezed. "All because we were both too stupid to think of that!" 

Thankfully, the trip didn't take too long. Tex spent the first half of the flight in a fictional relationship with the attractive older woman across the row from him. The relationship then ended, however, when he noticed she was wearing a dog collar that read_ Daddy's Little Girl _.

Upon leaving the train, Tex followed Tala to the exit. A woman in a blue suit stood by the glass doors.

"Hanguk-e on geot-eul hwanyeong-haeyo." she said as they walked by.

"Uh, you too." Tex replied.

They took a train to get into Itaewon. Thanks to the neighborhood being a tourism hotspot, no one gave them a second glance. They arrived at Hwan's street by midnight, and Tala easily shut down the cameras.

Hwan's block was on the outskirts of Itaewon, in a residential area that blended nicely into a tiny forest park. From the large tree they hid under, Tex could see that Hwan's house was a large urban thing made of underlit rectangles that sat on a massive grass patch. He could also make out Hwan on his computer through an upstairs window. 

"Guess we'll just wait here until he leaves or falls asleep." said Tex.

"What should we do while we wait?" Barton asked.

"We could kiss each other." Tala suggested.

"I would find that tolerable." Junji replied.

"How bout we do the opposite of that?" Tex pleaded.

"What's the opposite of kissing?" asked Tala.

"Gay sex." Barton said immediately.

"God, I can't believe Tex wants us all to have gay sex."

Just as he did every day, Tex prayed to God that hell wasn't real.

By two in the morning, Hwan was still on his computer.

"I wanna go to bed." Barton grumbled.

"You know it's only eleven in the morning where we live, right?" Tex replied.

While Barton shot Tex the stink eye, Tala pulled out her phone and began to rapidly tap on the keyboard.

"I have an idea on how to get him out." said Tala.

"How's that?" Tex asked.

After a few more long moments of typing, Tala opened her mouth to reply.

"I made a profile for a dating website." Tala explained. "We can lure him out with a cheap deal."

Tala typed in the words _ hello yes I am sexy Russian woman with poorly-put-together-man fetish would you like some sex _ into Google Translate. After she'd translated the words into Korean, she sent the message to Hwan.

It took Hwan about five seconds to reply. Tala ran the reply back through Google Translate.

"He wants to know what we look like." she stated.

"What do we look like?" asked Tex.

"Hang on..."

It didn't take Tala long to find an image to send to Hwan. Tex glanced over her shoulder as she picked one out.

"I like to live life on the edge." Tala said happily.

"Christ." Tex muttered.

"He wants to know where to meet."

_ "Christ. _"

"This is why we should never have invented seat belts and disinfectant." said Barton. "Natural selection's stopped working."

The rest of the plan went flawlessly. They agreed to meet Hwan at a bar and he was out his door in seconds. After giving it just a few more minutes, they snuck into the house through the back door.

Tex wasn't sure why, but he felt a little bad about catfishing Hwan.

While the outside of the house had been impressive, the inside was rugged and unkept, filled to the brim with dirty dishes and broken shards of dry instant ramen. It wasn't uncommon for their target's houses to be messy, although Tex was always unsure why they didn't simply hire a housekeeper when they clearly had the money.

They found the computer up the staircase, where it took up the entire second floor. The whole room seemed to buzz with electricity, and Tex felt the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Tex handed Barton his gun. She pocketed it and took a seat at the top of the stairs, keeping her eyes peeled on the front window.

"Alright." Tala said as she took out her laptop and plugged it into the computer's ethernet port. 

While Tala got things set up on her end, Tex reached into her bag and fished out the adapter. After hooking the green cup to the computer, he helped both Junji and himself into the blue cups.

The train car appeared before him, completely unaltered from how it had been before.

"Were you being truthful when you told me you found this adapter in a dumpster?" Junji asked.

"Yep." Tala replied.

"What's the file?" asked Tex.

"It's called 'segsihan seukai lim'."

"We ready?"

"Go for it."

Junji placed his fingers on the screen. After adding his own left hand, Tex selected the directed file with his other.

The file loaded in and the program started. Tex vomited on the floor.

"Yeah, I'll get the bag." Barton said with a sigh.

"Wā." Junji muttered at the scene before them.

"Is it bad?" Tala wondered.

"I will say that it gives the expression 'chewed my ear off' a new meaning."

Tala failed to reply. An invisible bag was handed to Tex.

"No, but really." Junji followed. "It is quite shocking." 

"How many are there?" asked Tala.

"Too many." Tex muttered.

"Makes sense. There's hundreds of assets."

"Who are they?" Junji asked.

"Just randos, I think. I don't think any of them are correlated to real people."

"So they have no counterparts from our world?"

"Nah. They're entirely new people."

"Interesting. Is this common?"

"It isn't uncommon." Barton answered.

"I have it recorded that sixty-seven percent of the operations we've come across have used DNA converters to make copies of real people, specifically people that the perpetrator knows." said Tala. "Thirty-two percent have used random number generators to spawn in randomized humans."

Tex did his best to calm himself as he tried to piece together the scene before him. He could barely register the sound as Tala began to click around.

"See, this guy made his victims in a Skyrim character creation mod." Tala continued. 

"Is that really so different than being born from woman?" Junji asked in wonder.

“Yes.”

“Who cares?” Barton grunted.

Tex cleared his throat, although no one seemed to notice.

"What about the last percent?" asked Junji.

"Huh?" Tala hummed.

"The numbers you gave only add to ninety-nine percent."

"Oh. Yeah. One time this lady was torturing dolphins. I didn't know where to categorize that."

"She worked at SeaWorld." Barton stated.

"She did work at SeaWorld."

"Can we, uh--" Tex stammered. "Can we get to work?"

"Sure. Sorry Tex."

Working through Hwan's computer proved itself to be quite difficult. By the time everyone in the simulation had stopped screaming, Tex had thrown up seven times and lost the ability to support himself on both feet. When Barton finally came around to rid him of the memories, Tex sighed in relief.

Barton also offered the memory wipe to Junji. Junji didn't take it.

"We ready to communicate with the modded victims?" Tala asked.

"Sure." Tex replied.

"I am ready." said Junji.

There were two hundred and seventy-eight of them, and not a single one of them spoke English.

"Since they only know Korean, we're going to have to feed our Jesus asset Google Translate lines." Tala explained.

"Ah, Google's shit at translating Asian languages." Tex replied. "We should tell them we're using Google Translate."

"Mmh."

"Put it on hold." Barton announced as she handed Tex his gun back. "We got company."

Instinctively, Tex pulled the suction cup from his forehead. He found that Junji had gotten his off as well, without any help.

After motioning for everyone to press themselves up against the far left wall, Tex readied his gun. If everything went alright, they would be the be the last thing Hwan saw if he came up the stairs.

"Is the timing usually this neat?" Junji asked Tex in a voice so quiet that Tex had to strain to hear.

"Nah, just a coincidence." Tex replied, just as muted. "Usually takes much longer for them to come back."

"Sometimes Tex steals stuff." Barton whispered.

Although Barton's comment was accurate, Tex chose to be offended anyway.

The creak of the stairs under Hwan's feet was loud enough to make Tex's heart pound. But Hwan still didn't look over even as he passed by them.

Hwan stopped moving. Slowly, he turned his gaze to the left.

"Mwoya sibal?" Hwan said.

Quick as a wink, Barton positioned herself between Hwan and the staircase. Hwan's eyes were wide as Tex whipped out his gun, lined up the shot, and missed point blank.

"Fuck!" Tex swore.

Barton and Junji exchanged a quick glance. Hwan made his break back down the stairs, but Barton easily tripped him before he could get too close. He went flying, back first, into Junji, who caught him with ease.

"Torture is wrong." Junji said calmly as he snapped Hwan's neck.

"Wait! Wait. _ Damn. _" Tex yelped, just a second after Hwan's body had fallen to the floor.

"What?"

"We're supposed to make it look like he killed himself."

Barton waved her hands at Junji. 

"Here, I'll fix it." she called.

Barton caught Hwan when Junji tossed him to her. Without a moment of thought, she twisted Hwan's neck in the opposite direction.

"Fixed." she said. "Done."

"Now his neck's broken the other way!" Tex replied.

"I'm just having fun."

"...I'll see if I can find a rope."

"Have a good time."

Barton began to get to work fixing the hole in the wall left by the bullet. With a rub of his temples, Tex took off to begin his search.

He found a total of zero ropes. To his luck, however, Tala and Junji had fashioned a make-shift noose out of several loose wires by the time he'd gotten back.

"You two mind if I don't watch?" asked Tex.

"Do whatever you want." Tala answered.

Tex nodded as he made his way back down the stairs. Wanting to feel like he was helping, he took a look out the back window to make sure there was no one peeping in.

It had been less the gore he'd wanted to get away from and more the...smell.

Tex returned to the top of the stairs after the grunts of manual labor had finished. He found that Hwan's body was out of sight.

"We hung him on his porch." Tala said.

"It was the only place that was high enough to believably snap his neck." Junji explained.

"Mmh." Tex replied. "We going back in again?"

"I am still ready."

After getting a nod from Tala, Tex restuck the suction cup to his forehead. He and Junji both put a hand on the traincar windows to resume their pursuits.

Talking to the horde of confused and frightened people didn't end up being too hard, although it was a very slow process. Jesus spoke to them with translated lines from Tala, and Tex and Junji had to repeat any questions the horde had phonetically into Tala's phone where it was translated into English.

"You told them we're using Google Translate, right?" Tex asked.

"No." Tala replied. "Why does it matter?"

"I don't want them to think we're _ stupid. _"

Out of the two hundred and seventy-eight poor souls, one hundred and ninety-two chose to have their code deleted, or as Tala had put it, 'deyeeted'. The other eighty-six expressed their wishes to have a new life in the mediocre paradise that Jesus had promised.

"Guys I'm really sorry about the deyeeting thing." Tala repeated as the crowd continued to speak back to Jesus.

"They're asking, uh, 'ulineun bioghabnikka'." Junji told Tala.

"What do that mean?" asked Tex.

"They want to know if they can procreate with each other." Tala answered as she clicked on her keyboard. "They probably want to start families."

"Can they?"

"I don't know." 

_ "Moleugessda lol. _" Jesus said to the crowd.

The crowd groaned.

The rest of the world building went smoothly, save for one bump. Tala found that the new program and all of its occupants were too much for the computer to speed up time by much, so they were forced to keep the program open and pray the computer was left on for a while.

"Hope the police don't turn the computer off." Tex said as they left. "Those people would be toast."

"Just think of it like a surprise heat death." Tala replied.

Before they left, Tex cut out the square of carpet where his vomit had landed to avoid any secret throat DNA getting into police hands. He tossed it in a trash can a few blocks over, and they were on their way back to the train station.

Tex didn't try to overhear Junji and Tala's conversation, but it was hard not to in the silence.

"I am interested in the worlds you create." Junji said quietly to Tala as they walked.

"Oh?" Tala replied.

"I've spent some time thinking about how to maximize contentedness myself. Would it be alright if I shared some of my ideas with you?"

Tala nodded her head with interest. 

"Yeah, sure." she replied. "Show up an hour or two early next time and we can talk."

Tex felt a rush of satisfaction. He'd been hoping that Junji would get along with the others.

The flight back to Washington was as uneventful as the trip there. Tala left her seat early to walk around, and Barton fell asleep almost immediately upon departure. Junji sat cross-legged with his hands in his lap, and Tex assumed he was meditating.

Tex didn't know much about meditation, so the desire to study what Junji was doing more carefully was there. Tex choose to read instead, however, as he didn't want to be rude even if Junji didn't have his eyes open to notice.

He'd gotten halfway through his book when Junji's eyes snapped open. Tex nearly jumped.

"May I ask you something?" Junji muttered.

"Course." Tex replied.

Junji didn't answer right away. Tex looked up to see that his brow was scrunched up in concentration. 

"I'm having a difficult time phrasing my question, as it seems like the answer should be obvious." said Junji.

"Just ask."

"Why do you kill the targets?"

Tex chewed on the inside of his mouth as he thought of a good way to answer Junji's question.

"I'm not suggesting you do something else." Junji quickly followed. "I'm merely curious of your motivations."

"Nah, I understand." Tex replied. "It's mostly lack of a better option. We don't really got another way to make sure they don't do it again."

"Ah. That's what I was hoping."

"What else would it've been?"

"Revenge."

"Oh..."

Junji fell silent. Tex put his book down.

"That would be a little silly now, wouldn't it?" Tex followed.

"Yes."

"It just ain't like we can go to the cops. Cause guess what? Tetragramming isn't illegal."

Junji's blank expression morphed into one of mild wonder. 

"What?" asked Tex.

"You sound disgusted." Junji answered.

"I am."

"Have you considered vouching for it to become illegal?"

"Hell no."

"Why not?"

"Reckon that'll make the problem worse."

"Then you should be perfectly content with the situation."

Tex shook his head as he opened his complimentary bag of peanuts.

"I'm glad it ain't illegal so that I can deal with the problem myself." he replied. "But that don't mean I'm not concerned about the implications."

"Implications?"

"People don't give a damn."

After he'd finished his statement, Tex tossed a peanut at his mouth for dramatic affect. It missed his face and sailed into the seat behind him.

"Have you ever wondered why people do it?" Junji asked.

"Do what?"

"Tetragram."

Tex sucked the salt off a new peanut as he thought of a good way to respond.

"Got my guesses." answered Tex.

"Would you like to share them?"

Before he replied, Tex stole a glance at Barton to make sure she was really asleep. After confirming that she was, he shot another glance over both his shoulders to make sure there was no one in earshot.

"I think most people got a sense of fairness to them, even the shitty ones." Tex said slowly. "So sometimes, when people get treated bad enough by life, they guess it's only fair to treat life the same way back."

"That is interesting."

"Thanks."

"Almost sympathetic."

"It ain't nothing."

Junji fell silent, although only for a few seconds. It looked like there was something that was bothering him.

"What?" Tex asked.

Junji cleared his throat.

"You seem to find viewing the programs we alter to be very upsetting." he replied.

"What about it?"

"If it is so awful for you, why doesn't Barton use the adapter while you keep watch?"

"Barton's shit at it."

Junji nodded. He didn't look particularly surprised by Tex's answer.

"Have you tried not being upset?" asked Junji.

"Huh?"

"There is more than enough torment inside the computer. Why should you add even more torment?"

"Is that how--do that work for you?"

"No. But I wondered if it might for you."

Junji looked strangely sheepish as Tex shook his head in wonder.

"Mind if I change the subject?" Tex pushed.

"I do not." Junji replied.

"Remember when I told you how we keep this place up and running?"

"Yes."

"I want you to meet the other people involved. We have a little meeting every Wednesday. Sound alright?"

"Yes, I would be interested in meeting with the other members of your commune--"

"Stop calling it that."

"--as well."

Tex grunted in irritation loud enough to wake Barton. After stirring for a moment, she sat up and opened a newspaper that blocked out the two of them.

"When and where is this meeting?" asked Junji.

"Six. Just go to the basement floor, and you won't miss us."

"Very well."

Tex thought that meeting people would be good for Junji. Still, he was a little worried about the potential of a fight.

"Do me a favor." Tex stated.

"What?"

"Don't talk about politics."

Junji frowned. 

"Why not?" he asked.

"Cause you got--different ones than they do."

"Does Barton not also differ from the consensus?"

"Barton don't usually come."

"I hate community." Barton said as she put her paper down.

Tex shot Barton a quick look before opening his mouth.

"Barton lives by herself." Tex explained. "She ain't part of the club."

"How do you support yourself?" Junji asked.

"I made myself a little fortune." answered Barton. "Ground up."

"She still takes those social security checks, though." Tex muttered.

"...You benefit from social security?" Junji pushed. "I'd thought you'd be opposed to the concept."

"Of social security?" Barton asked. "No."

"Aren't you opposed to taxation?"

"Usually, but social security's alright."

At first, Tex thought that Barton's opinion was contradictory to some of her other beliefs. But by the time they'd touched down, he'd realized that it wasn't.


	5. What Does He Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to undate this on ao3 for a long time oopsies)

"Junji's late." said Tala.

"Yeah, I noticed." Tex replied.

"He's never late."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Did you tell him where we're meeting? Maybe he went to the wrong room."

"I told him fine."

It was ten minutes after six, and Junji still hadn't shown up. Tex had been waiting with Tala by the door of Bianca's office to make sure Junji didn't walk past by mistake.

Tex pulled out his phone and sent a text to Junji asking where he was. Five minutes later, he still had no response.

"Think I'm gonna go knock on his door." Tex told Tala.

"Alright."

Avoiding the stares of expectation from his associates, Tex made his way out the door and to the elevator. It didn't take him long to get to Junji's floor and find his front door.

Tex tapped his fist against the wood. He didn't have high hopes for Junji answering, considering that he hadn't answered his phone. But to his surprise, he quickly heard the sounds of someone stirring behind the door.

_"Just a minute!"_ Junji called from inside.

When Junji did open the door, he was fastening the tie around a bathrobe.

"Howdy." Tex greeted.

"Hello."

Junji's expression was one of mild perplexion. It wasn't the one Tex had been expecting. Furthermore, it was clear that Junji had been naked before he'd put on the robe.

"Is something wrong?" Junji asked.

"The meeting started. Was wondering where you were."

"I'd thought we were meeting at six."

"It is six."

"Are you sure?"

Tex pulled out his phone and showed Junji the screen. Junji groaned when he saw that it was indeed six o' clock.

"My clock must be broken." said Junji. "I'm sorry, would you mind a bit of a wait?"

"I can handle it."

"Thank you. Would you like to come in? We're just finishing up."

"...We?"

Junji opened the door for Tex. Tex slipped off his shoes and stepped inside to get his first look at Junji's room post his move in.

Although it was a bit early to tell, the tidy and dust-free interior implied that Junji was very clean. The only decorations Junji had chosen to display were a lucky cat, an antique dagger, and a clock that Tex could see was stuck on four thirty.

The lucky cat had writing on it. Tex knew a total of zero Japanese characters, but he got the feeling that it was a sentimental gift note. Most interestingly, however, was an unfamiliar person sitting at Junji's kitchen table.

It was a woman. She was a petite, plain-looking woman about Junji's age, holding a thin folder. Her dark hair was cut short and simple. She looked familiar, somehow, although Tex couldn't place her. Next to her was a large pad of paper on a stand, which she eyed with an expression as blank as Junji's had been when Tex had first seen him.

She was very naked.

"I, uh--" Tex stammered. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Yes." the woman replied.

Even from just a single word, Tex got the impression that he could save half her family from a burning building and she still wouldn't invite him to her wedding. 

"This is Kwon Ying." Junji explained as he took down his wall clock.

"Ha, I ain't that dumb." Tex chuckled.

"What do you mean?"

"She ain't Ying Kwon. She's like--your long lost sister or something."

Junji paused the battery swap he was making to type something into his phone and hand it to Tex. When Tex looked at the screen, he saw that Junji had made a google search for 'Kwon Ying images'. 

"I'll be damned." Tex said as he darted his eyes between the pictures and the identical woman before him. "I read your book."

"What did you think?" Ying replied.

"Little eugenic-y."

"Yes, it was."

Ying Kwon was a well known but controversial author. Tex was surprised Junji had managed to get her into his room without the both of them getting pelted to death by tomatoes in the lobby.

In the corner of Tex's eye, he caught that Junji was finished with the clock.

"There a reason you're naked?" asked Tex.

"Is there a reason you're clothed?" Junji replied as he undid his robe.

Quick as he could, Tex wiped his glasses off and slipped them into his front pocket.

"What--why..." was all Tex could say.

Ying let out a short laugh.

"Is he a puritan?" she asked.

"He's a Catholic." Junji answered.

"I should have figured."

Even without his glasses, Tex could see that Junji's body was in irritatingly good shape. But what was more interesting was the blurry pattern of red and white tattoos that started at his biceps and continued onto his waist. They might have even gone lower, but Tex had no intentions of looking.

Junji took a seat at the table.

"We were almost done with our discussion when you knocked." he said. "Would you mind if we finished up?"

"Do what you want." Tex replied. "I'm intruding."

Although the sight before him was a bit intimidating, Tex's curiosity won over and he took an anxious step towards the empty seat at the table. 

"You can't sit with us." Ying said with a frown.

"Why not?" asked Tex.

"You cannot wear underwear at the table during formal discussion times." Junji explained. "My apologies, Dallas, but I cannot change the rules without extensive protocol."

"Uh..."

"The only clothing that I would allow you is a thin piece of cloth designed to keep your testicles from sticking to your leg."

As he spoke, Junji held up a long piece of cloth.

"I, uh--" Tex stammered. "I'll just sit on the couch."

Tex kept his glasses off after he'd situated himself, even though the table cut both Ying and Junji off from below the waist. Squinting, he sent a message to Tala saying that they were going to need a few minutes.

"Are you prepared to resume our meeting?" Junji asked Ying.

"I am prepared to resume our meeting." Ying replied.

"I am also prepared to resume our meeting."

"Where were we?"

"We were considering situation twelve thousand six hundred and fifty-seven." 

"Refresh me."

Junji cleared his throat as he fished a paper off the table and examined it.

"In the event that we no longer have enough resources to support our species," Junji started, "but we have the means to travel to a parallel universe and force the alternate versions of ourselves there to give us their resources, should it be considered ethical to do so in the case that it's our only chance of survival?"

Tex looked over at Ying, who appeared to be a little more than deep in thought.

"I believe it would be alright for us to do so." she answered slowly. "For if a scenario forces us to choose between ourselves and something of equal value to ourselves, nothing would be lost from us choosing ourselves."

"I agree." Junji replied.

"However, I would not support us acting as if we are of inherently greater value than our alternate selves. We may take from them, but only while understanding that our positions are circumstantial."

"I agree."

"What if they got more people than us?" asked Tex.

Tex began to regret the words the second they'd come out of his mouth, as he was sure they were going to be ripped to shreds.

"Hmm?" Junji hummed.

"What if in their universe, the Chernobyl power plant never melted down?" Tex explained. "So they had more people than us."

"If we only steal what we need for our numbers, we will leave enough for however many more they had then us in the other reality to survive." Junji replied.

"Could you actually go to a parallel universe? Theoretically, I mean."

"I highly doubt it."

"So why you worrying about it?"

"Just in case."

Although Ying's face was coated in what looked like obvious irritation, Tex was too curious not to ask another question.

"You got any time travel protocols?" he pushed.

Ying let out a long sigh.

"I hate time travel." she replied.

"Why's that?"

After turning halfway around in her chair, Ying began to write on the paper pad. Tex was forced to put his glasses back on to see what she was writing. 

_1\. It is our duty to alleviate discomfort._

_2\. The past contains a large amount of discomfort._

_3\. However, traveling to the past is unethical, as doing so would cause a paradox that would destroy the universe as we know it._

"Is that what we decided on?" Junji asked once Ying had finished writing. "I disagree."

"How do you disagree?" Ying replied.

"Time paradoxes are impossible."

"State your argument." 

"First, let me clarify that this is your argument?"

After pulling the pad closer to him, Junji began to furiously scribble on it. Tex read as he did.

_1\. the past is bad_

_2\. we go back and make it good_

_3\. the past is good_

_4\. we have no reason to go back and make it good_

_5\. the past is bad_

To Tex's relief, Junji stayed seated as he wrote.

"And here is my counter argument." Junji followed as he started to write in a clean section.

_1\. we are not stuck in a time paradox_

_2\. therefore, if we travel backwards in time, we will only be capable of doing things we have already done OR we will create an alternate universe._

"Alternate universe time travel is for poorly written movies and pornography plots." Ying said as Junji scribbled in the phrase 'that was destined to be created' to the end of 'we will create an alternate universe'. 

A moment later, Junji crossed out his entire section on alternate universe time travel.

"How do you know that we're not stuck in a time paradox?" asked Tex.

"Because the universe is not in shambles." Junji replied.

"How do you know that a paradox would lead to the universe going to shambles?"

Junji scratched his head. After a few moments passed, he crossed out his entire argument from the pad.

"Time travel is too confusing." he said. "Why don't we just pronounce it illegal?"

"My suggestion from the start." Ying replied.

"...What's gonna be illegal?" Tex wondered.

"Are you prepared to initiate the illegalization process?" Junji asked.

"I am prepared." answered Ying. 

"I am also prepared."

Ying pulled out a sheet of paper from her thin folder, along with a fancy looking pen.

_"Traveling backwards in time will be deemed illegal._" she recited as she wrote.

"...Unless it is proven within acceptable certainty that we can only commit acts in the past we've already committed." Junji added.

_"Traveling backwards in time will be deemed illegal unless it is proven within acceptable certainty that we can only commit acts in the past we've already committed._"

"I second this notion."

"Hell's legality got to do with this?" asked Tex.

"We're constructing law." Ying replied.

"...Why?"

"It's what we do best."

"Would you like to browse our list of illegal things?" Junji asked as he pulled out a massive leather-bound book from under his chair.

Tex was hit with a sudden suspicion. In the corner of his eye, Ying stapled the paper into the book.

"I gotta question." said Tex.

"You seem to have many of those." Ying muttered.

"You aren't big on--being too sure of anything, right? And I'm guessing you ain't, neither."

"Neither of us are particularly large on certainty, yes."

"Yes, we are not gods." Junji replied. "We are bound to be at least partially wrong about many things."

"But do you got a way to change stuff?" Tex asked.

Along with Ying, Junji coughed out an amused little scoff.

"Revoking legalities is incredibly easy." Ying explained. "All you have to do is file a complaint to the central bureau."

"I have an example complaint form right here." said Junji. "All you have to do is fill out both sides and fold it like so."

Junji pulled out a blue piece of paper from Ying's folder. He folded the paper horizontally and then vertically.

"After the sheet is properly placed inside an approved manila envelope and sent in," Junji continued, "it will be judged for its composition and taken up by an official if the issue is deemed worthy."

"Then the official only has to spend several months arguing in court to alter the particular law." Ying replied. "If the court rules favorably, the proposition will then be presented to an official of higher status, and then the whole process begins again."

"After five sequences of this cycle, the proposition will reach either us or our appointed kin. If we approve of the suggestion, we will begin enforcing it the moment we finish writing it down along with every detail of its coming to be."

Tex no longer found the nudity to be the most frightening thing in the room. 

"We should be going." Junji followed with a guilty glance in Tex's direction. "I've been keeping Dallas waiting."

"Very well." Ying nodded.

"Are you prepared to end our session?"

"Almost. May we first take one last look at our most pondered question?"

"Would that be alright?"

Tex squinted his eyes to see that Ying and Junji's faces were turned towards him in question.

"Uh, sure." Tex replied.

After pulling the paper pad over to herself, Ying flipped a few papers down to reveal a question that had already been written. 

"Should we give up our planet if species of exponentially higher cognitive functions required our destruction for its survival?" Ying read from the board.

"An excellent question." Junji replied.

Tex stared in disbelief. Neither of them looked like they were joking.

"The hell?" asked Tex.

"What?" Junji replied.

"That's stupid. Don't do that."

"What is your argument?"

"It's dumb."

Under the question, Ying penned in a quick number line and wrote 'it's dumb' in line one.

"What, you think that just cause some tentacle monster from Jupiter says you gotta let yourselves get mowed over for his lawn party that you should listen?" Tex continued. "The hell does he know?"

In line two, Ying drew a crude octopus monster. In the third and final line, she wrote 'what does he know?'.

Junji raised his eyebrows at the paper pad.

"I am afraid I don't understand your argument, Dallas." he said. "Have you considered--"

"Yeah, yeah, let's go." Tex cut in.

With a little sigh, Junji stood up from the table. Tex squeezed his eyes shut and kept them closed until he heard the sound of Junji zipping up a pair of pants.

He opened his eyes to see that Ying had also put on clothes, although she seemed somewhat dismayed about it.

"I suppose I should be going." Ying said as she took a stand. "Thank you for meeting with me, Junji."

"It was my pleasure." Junji replied. "I will see you next week."

Ying brushed by Tex on her way out the door.

"It was nice meeting you." she muttered to him with her eyes straight ahead.

"Yeah, you too." Tex replied as he was hit with a desperate urge for her approval.

Ying closed the door behind her. Junji took a moment to gather his things.

"You gonna call me Dallas, huh?" asked Tex.

"I'm not calling you Tex." Junji replied.

With his mind on the subject of names, Tex glanced off in the direction Ying had gone.

"She call you Junji too?" Tex pushed.

"She is a good friend."

"You're good friends with Ying Kwan?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. Just don't tell nobody."

Junji locked his front door as they left. Out of instinct, Tex let his feet guide him to the stairs.

"What are your friends like?" Junji asked as began their trek.

"Opinionated. Don't talk about politics."

"I will try."

"Luke and Caverly are having some marriage issues, so they might be a little snappish. Just pretend you don't notice."

"Mhm."

The meeting was taking place in Bianca's office down on the first floor. It didn't take long to walk down, but it still gave Tex some time to stress about if and how everyone would get along with Junji.

Upon exiting the stairwell, Tex led Junji over to the door to Bianca's office. He tapped on the wood with his fist. A moment later, Tala's face appeared through the door slot.

"Password, please." said Tala.

"May I guess the password?" Junji asked before Tex could open his mouth. 

"Sure." Tex replied.

"Tax evasion. Is tax evasion the password?"

"Wrong password." Tala answered.

"Guess you don't know me as well as you thought you did." Tex said with a smile and a head shake. "Password's actually tax fraud."

"Correct password!"

Tala opened the door.

"After you." Tex muttered as he nudged Junji forward.

Junji stepped through the door, and Tex followed behind. Three new pairs of eyes turned to them and stared.

"Howdy." Tex greeted with a little wave. "Sorry we're late."

"It's fine." Caverly replied. "Sean ate the brownies that were supposed to be for Junji."

"Are you going to introduce him?" asked Sean.

"Sure." Tex answered. "This is Junji, uh, something. He came here from Japan for, um, some reason."

No one looked particularly satisfied with Tex's introduction.

"Why don't y'all form a line." Tex followed.

As a crude line formed in front of the wine and snack table, Tala walked over and situated herself next to Junji and Tex. Tex stuck his palms out instinctively when Tala gestured that she was going to hand him something.

"This is for you." Tala said as she gave Tex her dirty plate.

"...Thanks."

Tex drummed his fingers on his new plate as the first two people stepped forward.

"This is Luke." Tex said to Junji, pointing at the one on the right.

Luke was a blond man with stubble and a pair of reflective aviators. Clipped into his pocket was a Spyderco Para knife, and Tex knew that he had a Taurus PT111 handgun in his backpack. 

"And Caverly." Tex followed.

Caverly was a blond woman with crow's feet and a pair of reflective aviators. Clipped into her pocket was a Chris Reeve Sebenza knife, and Tex knew that she had a Beretta Nano in her purse. She reached her hand towards Junji and caught him in a tight handshake.

"Oh, he's adorable." Caverly noted once they'd parted hands.

"I feel like I should be upset about you saying that in front of me." Luke replied. "But I'm really not."

"Thank you." said Junji.

"Tagawa, right?" Caverly asked.

"Yes."

"You should really come over for dinner sometime."

"I'd be alright with that." Luke added with his gaze glued to Junji's face. "Are _you_ alright with that?" 

"Wow." Tex cut in. "You two sure are quirky."

"Uhuh."

"Stop holding up the line."

Upon snapping back to reality, Luke and Calvary both gave a reluctant wave goodbye and make their way back to the center of the room.

"Hell was up with that?" Tex muttered to Tala once they'd left.

"I thought it was pretty self-explanatory." she replied.

"Least they're still agreeing on everything."

Before Tex could think about what had happened any further, the next person stepped forward. She extended her hand towards Junji.

"This is Bianca." Tex explained as Junji took her hand. "Our landlord." 

Bianca was a pretty brunette woman with crow's feet and a pair of reflective aviators. Clipped in her pocket was a classic Buck 110 knife. In her bag was a Ruger LCRx, which Tex found to be quite tasteful.

She was married.

"Good to meet you." she greeted with a slow smile and a little cock of her head.

"It is nice to meet you too." Junji replied.

"Are you enjoying the work?"

Junji fell silent for a number of countable seconds. After about twenty of them, Tex cleared his throat.

"I'm not not enjoying it." Junji answered.

"I guess that's better than not enjoying it." 

Bianca didn't say anything else, just waved goodbye as she retreated to Luke and Caverly.

"She thought he was hot." Tala whispered once she was gone. 

"How would you know that?" Tex replied.

"She only ever makes that smile when she sees someone she thinks is hot."

Up next was Sean. Sean's face lit up upon seeing the three of them. 

"How's it going, Tex?" asked Sean.

"Going alright." Tex replied. "How's it going with you?"

"Great, man. I finally got my penis back from the lost and found."

Sean was a merry prankster with a hawkish nose and unclear motivations. He threw an arm around Junji's shoulder the second he was in proper range.

"I'm Sean." he greeted. "Who's this fucking herb?" 

"Why was your penis at the lost and found?" asked Junji.

"Cause somebody found it."

Sean left, but only once Tex had shooed him away from Junji. Tex watched as Sean flashed him a look over his shoulder.

_'Wow._' Sean mouthed when Junji wasn't looking.

"Hell does everyone think he's so hot?" Tex said with a hand on Junji's shoulder.

"Because he's really hot." Tala replied as she gave Junji's other shoulder a little pat.

"He's not _that_ hot."

Junji frowned. 

"Let's give him a tour." said Tex.

"You have fun." Tala replied. "I'm gonna fraternize."

After waving goodbye, Tala went straight for Sean. Tex scanned his eyes over the contents of the room to search for things that should be included on the tour.

Besides the people, the only things of note were the snack table and a collection of two white boards on the far wall.

"Uh." Tex said as he ran his hand over the back of his neck. "Over here's the snack table. Don't drink too much wine."

"I will not drink too much wine." Junji replied.

"Over there's the presentation boards. If you ever have any ideas for...anything, really, we're the people to talk to." 

As he spoke, Tex pointed to the white board on the right where someone had written the word 'federalism' and then drawn a frowny face.

"What about that board?" Junji asked as he pointed to the one next to it.

"That's a list of corporations we try not to support."

The board was covered with over a hundred names, including but not limited to Amazon, Monsanto, and Hot Topic.

"Do I have to refrain from supporting these corporations if I live here?" Junji pushed.

"We'd prefer it if you didn't, but do whatever you please."

"I'd have thought you would be supportive of more corporations."

"We're supportive of corporations we think are innovative and ethical-ish. Like Space X, Tesla, Musks by Elon..."

Tex might have listed others, had Luke and Caverly not made their way over and made themselves at home on either side of Junji.

"Hello." Luke greeted.

"Howdy." Tex replied.

"Are we interrupting something?"

"Uh--" 

"Great. Can we borrow Junji for a moment?"

Tex supposed he had wanted Junji to make friends. So with a little shrug, he stepped out of the way and let Junji be consumed by the hive.

Sean, Tala, and Bianca were all standing a bit to the left in a separate conversation. Tex, however, refrained from joining them, opting instead to pretend to be on his phone so that he could eavesdrop.

"You having a good time?" Caverly asked Junji.

"Good enough." Junji replied.

"Glad to hear it. Did Tex tell you anything about how we run things round here?"

"Yes. I have several criticisms." 

"Did he say anything about us?" asked Luke.

"He said you were having marital problems."

Tex grabbed a handful of his bangs and began to tug.

"I didn't know Tex knew about that..." Caverly trailed off.

"If you wouldn't mind, I'd be interested to know more about the issues." Junji said. "I am fascinated by relationships." 

With his hand still in his hair. Tex started to chew on the inside of his cheek.

"At this point, we'll try anything." Luke replied.

"Any kind of therapy." Caverly added.

"We could open our marriage."

"I'd like to open our marriage."

"In the 'three's company' kinda way, you know?"

Neither Luke nor Calvary had ever given much of a care for customs regarding what was and was not appropriate to say, but Tex was still a little amazed.

"It is my honor to bring about pleasure," Junji replied, "and I've no prudishness towards what kind."

Junji paused for a moment to clear his throat.

"However." he continued. "I fear we've wandered off track."

"What were we on?" Luke asked.

"Your marriage."

"Our marriage!"

After sharing a glance, Luke and Caverly both opened their mouths at the same time.

"I love him." Caverly said.

"I love her." Luke replied.

"...But?" asked Junji.

Luke and Caverly both began to talk at the same time, and too quickly for Tex to understand.

"--leaves her dishes on the counter--"

"--snores, so loud--"

"We used to be best friends."

"Absolute besties."

"We dated for seven years and it was great."

"But ever since we got married--"

Junji cleared his throat again. 

"You say that you enjoyed your relationship more before you got married." he said. "What have you changed about your relationship since getting married?"

Luke and Caverly both opened their mouths to reply, but Tex did himself the favor of ending his eavesdropping session.

Tex walked over to Sean and Bianca to see that Tala had broken off from their conversation. 

"Oh, hey Tex." Bianca greeted. "Tala wanted to talk to you." 

Bianca pointed to the snack table. Tala put down her glass of wine and waved when she noticed Tex was staring. 

Tex would have liked to talk to Bianca for a few minutes, but he got the feeling Tala wanted to talk about work.

"Thanks." he said as he left, giving Bianca and Sean a little wave.

He'd talk to them later.

Tala pulled the Pain Finder Thing out of her bag as Tex began to make his way over. When he got there, she held it outright for him. 

"Our next target just opened up." she said as he examined the screen.

"Portland, huh." Tex replied. "Shouldn't be too hard."

"I'll check the location tonight to make sure it's a tetragram."

"Alright. Will you be ready by tomorrow?"

"Probably."

Tex pulled out his phone and opened the group chat, ready to see if everyone was alright to set out for Oregon at midnight of the next day.

"Shit." Tex swore.

"What?"

"I don't got Junji's number."

"I do."

Tala pulled out her phone. A moment later, Tex's phone buzzed to tell him Tala had shared a phone number with him.

"Thanks." he said as he clicked on the number and created a new contact.

"Yup. I'll see you tomorrow, I'm going to go to the bathroom."

"Ok."

After putting her arms behind her, Tala leaned forward and ran off in the direction of the bathrooms.

Tex wasn't sure why, but he felt like she was mocking him.


	6. Fun Times With Junji

** From Gamer Gril **   
tex?

** To Gamer Gril **   
what's up

** From Gamer Gril **   
there's a problem

** To Gamer Gril **   
emergency kinda problem?

** From Gamer Gril **   
not a time sensitive one

** From Gamer Gril **   
it's hard to explain. can we meet early?

Tex looked at the time to see that it was noon. After navigating to the group chat, he sent another text.

** To Work Group **   
i know we weren't supposed to meet until midnight, but is there any chance yall can meet before that?

It took everyone about ten minutes to respond.

** From Grand Jackass **   
how long would we be meeting?

_ **Gamer Gril has changed group name from Work Group to Garage Band** _

** To Garage Band **   
ask Tala. it's her idea

** From Gamer Gril **   
not long. less than an hour, hopefully

** From Junji **   
I am open at eight.

_ **Gamer Gril has changed Junji's name to Spoodge King** _

** From Spoodge King **   
What is a spoodge?

** From Grand Jackass **   
i can't do anything till nine

** From Gamer Gril **   
compromise. we'll meet at eight thirty

_ **Grand Jackass has changed group name from Garage Band to Garbage Band** _

_ **Gamer Gril has changed Grand Jackass's name to Supreme Jackass** _

** From Supreme Jackass **   
hey

** To Garbage Band **   
i'll see yall at nine

Nine came quickly enough, with Tex passing the time with his self-care ritual of a movie, a bubble bath, a half hour of depraved masturbation, and another bubble bath. Thankfully, no one was late and they were able to start at just five minutes after nine.

"So what's the deal?" Tex asked.

Tala fished the Pain Finder Thing from her bag and set it next to her laptop. Tex watched over her shoulder as she zoomed in on a large red dot to reveal a Portland address.

"I don't get it." said Barton.

"This address is for an apartment complex." Tala explained.

"...What?" 

Tala used her laptop to look up the address on Google maps, confronting Tex with the image of a lavish apartment building.

"I don't understand how this is a problem." Junji said.

"The radar can only give us a location on the x and z axes." Tala replied. "It can't pinpoint vertical location, so we're kinda screwed if the place is multi-resident."

"Oh."

"It usually ain't a problem, cause you need a big space to tetragram." Tex explained.

"But these are upscale apartments." Tala replied.

"What do we do?" 

Tala didn't answer. Fear began to prickle in Tex's stomach at the thought of having to leave some poor souls trapped inside some dipshit's computer to suffer.

"We could cause a mass power outage." Junji suggested. "That might solve the problem for a short time."

"Or we could just bomb Portland." Barton replied.

Tex darted his gaze between the screen of the laptop and the screen of the pain radar. Suddenly, he was struck with an idea.

"Wait." said Tex.

"What?" Tala replied.

"The red dot's been blinking on and off, right?"

"Yes."

"Which usually means that they only got the program on when they're home."

"Why wouldn't you keep the program running?" asked Junji.

"Maybe your computer isn't powerful enough to do it." Barton answered. "Or maybe you want to play an active role as an eternal deity in torturing your subjects."

"Like old testament God." Tala replied.

"So if it's only acting up when he's there," Tex continued, "we could prolly figure out who it is from watching people enter the building."

With a little hum, Tala nodded her head.

"That's a good idea." she replied.

"Yeah, but we'd have to watch it for days." Tex muttered.

"Hmm..."

"What?"

"I could film both the screen of my computer while it observes the front of this building and the screen of the Pain Finder Thing with the same camera. Then I could speed up the footage and watch for correlation between discomfort spikes and people who enter the building."

Along with everyone else, Tex nodded thoughtfully.

"Let's say..." Tala followed. "Three days?"

"Sounds good." Tex replied. "We'll meet again on Sunday."

The meeting wrapped up quickly. Tex took a seat at the table with a cup of coffee in the hopes that it would clear his head.

He almost didn't notice when Junji approached him.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

"Oh, hi." Tex replied. "How's it going?"

"Would you like to go somewhere with me?"

"Where?"

"I don't know."

Tex squinted in confusion.

"After the museum, you agreed with my desire to form some sort of--deal of companionship." Junji explained. "If that agreement was made in pity, please inform me now so we can pretend this conversation never--"

"Oh, no. I was just confused by the way you'd asked. Sure, let's go somewhere." 

"Where would you like to go?"

"Not sure. How bout you choose?"

Upon hearing Tex's answer, Junji's expression began to twist itself with distress. Twenty seconds of dead silence passed before Tex realized he should probably just spit out the first thing that popped into his head.

"Let's go to my place." he offered.

After charging the both of them five dollars each, Barton was kind enough to give them a ride to their apartment building. Tex kept up with Junji as they jogged up the stairs and even managed not to pant too hard as he opened the stairwell door to his floor. 

"This is where I live." Tex said as he stopped Junji in front of his room.

Junji took a cautious step inside the room after the door was unlocked and opened for him. Tex followed and shut the door behind them.

"It is...clean enough." Junji announced.

"Thanks."

Junji watched in mild confusion as Tex flopped over on his couch and clunked his feet up on the table.

"What?" asked Tex.

"My apologies. I did not believe it when I was told Americans kept their shoes on in their homes."

Hit with a sudden wave of amusement, Tex broke a smile.

"Do it bother you?" he asked.

"As long as you do not expect me to do the same."

"Do whatever the hell you want."

Junji reached for the zipper of his pants.

"Anything but that." Tex followed, quick as he could. "Jesus is watching."

Tex pointed to the spot on the wall where the Jesus painting usually was before realizing that he'd taken it down for his masturbation session. Luckily, Junji seemed to miss the gesture and only scoffed at the words. 

"I will sit." Junji said as he removed his hands from his zipper.

It was at that moment that Tex's curiosity finally peaked, although he waited until Junji had taken a seat on the other end of the couch and folded his hands in his lap before opening his mouth.

"Hey, uh," Tex stumbled, "there's something I just gotta ask."

"Then ask."

"I don't think you're gonna like it too much."

"You could ask me if I was the child of two disgraced whores and I would not mind."

"...Why not?"

Junji's eyebrows scrunched together as he thought.

"I've no quarrel with whores." he answered. "Although that was not supposed to be my point."

"What about disgraced--whores?"

"Why are they disgraced?"

Tex scratched his chin as he thought.

"None of this is relevant." Junji followed with a little sigh. "What I am trying to say is that you're not going to hurt me unless you turn into my mother and call me a failure."

"Uh."

"What is your question?"

"Are you a pervert?"

Out of all the responses Junji could have given, a sharp laugh was pretty low on the list of what Tex had been expecting.

"I don't think myself a pervert." answered Junji.

"Sounds like something a pervert would say." Tex replied.

"What do you think a pervert is?"

"Um..."

"Someone sexually detrimental to society?"

"Yeah. Let's go with that."

"Then whether or not I am a pervert would be dependent on what sexual acts you consider detrimental to society."

Tex squinted his eyes in confusion. He understood what Junji was saying, but was suspicious that he was dodging the question.

"Many people would consider me a pervert." Junji followed.

"Many people?"

"Many people would consider many people perverts."

Tex supposed that Junji had a point.

"Do you consider not being exclusive to heterosexuality a sign of perversion?" Junji asked.

"No."

"What about non-monogamy? Or lust for someone who isn't a virgin."

"I ain't a prude."

"Then what would you consider to be perverted?"

Tex saw no reason not to give an honest answer.

"Doing--kids." he replied. "And forcing it out of people."

Junji hummed in amusement.

"What?" asked Tex.

"That is very basic."

After he'd finished speaking, Junji gave no indication that he had anymore to say. Tex widened his eyes a little in expectation, but Junji stayed silent.

"So?" Tex finally asked.

"So what?"

"Do you--do those things?"

"Oh. No."

Junji's words gave Tex an immediate sense of comfort. Still, he had a few more questions.

"Why do you talk so much about sex?" Tex pushed.

"When have I talked about sex?"

"You said you liked looking at erotic art."

"Do you not?"

Once again, Junji had made a good point. Although Tex had no intention of admitting it.

"You seem troubled." Junji followed.

"When you're open about wanting sex, people are gonna guess you think about sex a lot."

"I do think about sex a lot. I ask again, do you not?"

"Never said I didn't. But folks are gonna think you'd try to force it from people."

"Why would they think that?"

Tex couldn't think of a good response. The answer just seemed so obvious to him that he didn't know how to explain it.

"Society," Junji followed with a tiny twitch in his eyebrow, "has come to many interesting conclusions. I have no intentions of allowing the ones that I find particularly foolish to affect how I live my life."

"What are you, some kind of liberal or something?"

"What's a liberal?"

"A type of cheese."

"Then no."

Tex wasn't sure why he had told Junji that a liberal was a type of cheese, but he supposed he didn't care enough to correct himself. So he dropped the subject and turned his attention towards making his guest feel at home.

"You want some tea?" Tex asked.

"I would love some tea."

Tex wandered into his kitchenette. After pulling out two cups, he opened the little cupboard above the sink.

"What kinda tea you want?" he pushed.

"What do you have?" Junji replied.

"All I got is ginger."

"Then why did you ask me what kind I wanted?"

"You want honey?"

"I would like honey."

Tex pulled out the box of ginger tea and set it next to the cups. When he returned to the cupboard, he discovered his honey bottle had run dry.

"I don't have honey." Tex admitted.

"Of course you don't."

After a moment of thought, Tex realized he didn't want to drink tea without honey.

"Let's go get some." said Tex.

"You want to go shopping?"

"There's a Safeway across the street."

"It's ten."

"Yeah, and it's open til three."

Junji didn't put up any more of a fight as Tex made his way over to the door. Tex waited patiently for Junji to put his shoes back on and locked the door behind them as they left, even though they would likely be gone for less than a half hour.

"Sorry." Tex explained. "Feeling a little restless."

"It is alright. I like to exercise."

"Yeah, I can see that."

Junji didn't reply, which only made Tex regret his words more than he'd already had.

"Thanks for coming to our meeting on Wednesday." Tex followed once they'd gotten to the stairwell.

"You don't need to thank me. I will do what is required of me."

"Nothing's required. Kinda the whole point."

After a second of silence, Junji let out a huff that was so deeply soaked in disapproval that Tex had to chuckle.

"I will live." Junji grunted.

"What did you think of us?" 

"I thought you were a very Randian bunch."

Although it was more subtle this time, Junji's tone still indicated distaste.

"I wouldn't go that far..." Tex replied.

"You wouldn't?"

"I ain't too big on her."

"Really. What is your quarrel?"

"Well, I don't hate her. Think she was probably smarter than me."

Junji cleared his throat.

"I just don't guess we oughtta be--controlled." Tex explained. "By some elite."

"And why do you not guess this?"

Tex let out a short chuckle at Junji's word choice.

"You're welcome." Junji followed.

"Have I ever told you who the most exceptional person I ever met was?" asked Tex.

"No. Who?"

"It was a lady named Bertha. You could give her any math question from arithmetic to calculus, and she'd spit the answer right out."

"And...?"

"And she couldn't zip up her own pants."

Junji didn't respond, but Tex could tell he understood. 

"Now, we didn't have all them fancy calculators." Tex continued. "We--"

"How poor were you?" Junji asked. 

"--needed her and she needed us."

"Ah."

"I think people work better together. I just reckon it should be--voluntary."

"So you are an anarcho-communist."

Tex chewed on the inside of his mouth and snickered darkly to himself. As they passed through into the entrance of the store, he did his best to lower his voice.

"I like you a lot." said Tex.

"Pardon?"

"I like you a lot. Think you're real fun to be around."

"But?"

"If you ever call me a commie again, I'm pushing you into the street."

Junji shot Tex a look, presumably to see if he was serious. Tex gave him a glance back to show that he wasn't but also was.

"I do think that some people are just gonna be more useful than others." Tex followed. "But I don't think we're always gonna be able to guess who it is. We've been wrong so many times before."

"I wholeheartedly agree."

"Really? Thought you were pro-eugenics."

"What does eugenics have to do with this?"

Tex thought it best not to comment.

"What are your political opinions?" Junji followed. "In your own words."

It didn't take Tex long to form a response.

"They're pretty straightforward." he answered. "You wanna smoke yourself to death? That's your right. You wanna marry three people? That's your right."

"I--"

"You wanna invent a new super virus that'll wipe out ninety percent of the population? That's your right. You wanna stop someone from inventing a new super virus that'll wipe out ninety percent of the population? That's your right."

With a little hum, Junji twisted his mouth in thought.

"How would you color the prevention of someone else's creation of a super virus different than a regulation?" asked Junji.

"You just--do it. Not cause some king or paper is telling you that you should, but because you want to."

Junji said nothing. Tex found himself searching back to the beginning of their conversation.

"What do you think of her?" Tex wondered. "Mrs. Rand."

"Individualism and anarchy?"

"Yeah."

"Two wrongs don't make a right."

Tex let out a short chuckle. Junji joined him after a second, although only for a moment.

"As for objectivism," Junji continued, "I would prefer to indulge myself on a pig."

"Which you...don't wanna do, right?"

"Yes. I suspect I would have a difficult time indulging myself on a pig."

"You suspect?"

"I've never tried."

They found the honey by the jam and peanut butter. Tex watched as Junji's eyes zeroed in on a fancy looking jar that advertised itself as 'natural', and 'ethically harvested'.

"Ugh." Junji groaned.

"What?" Tex asked.

"Natural honey."

"What about it?"

"Natural. As opposed to what?"

"Artificial."

Junji sneered.

"So when bees make honey, it's natural." said Junji. "But when humans make it, it's artificial."

Tex let out a small hum of amusement. Junji's tone was comically aggravated.

"Think it's called artificial cause it's a result of society," Tex explained, "which is a construct, or something..."

"Do bees not have society?"

Tex supposed Junji had a point. Still, he thought it best to argue.

"Reckon we might be thinking too hard about it." he replied. "The reason the word natural gets used is cause it's an easy way to tell someone that it weren't made in a lab."

"What is the benefit of that?"

"Folks are gonna trust eating shit that humans have been eating for thousands of years more than something that got invented last Friday."

"'Nature' has created many harmful compounds herself. And many safe compounds have been created in laboratories."

"Folks are gonna trust eating shit that humans have been eating for thousands of years more than something that got invented last Friday by a guy trying to save a few pennies."

Junji shot another look at the jar of honey.

"So there is an anti-corporate angle." Junji stated.

"Yup."

"Being monetized."

"Yup."

Tex stared at the jar of honey. A cartoon bee ethically euthanizing itself smiled back. 

"In any case." Junji started. "I believe the label to be dangerous."

"Why?"

"It supports arrogance."

"How?"

"The idea that we are somehow above nature, that we are somehow separate from the rest of the animal kingdom, does that not seem unjustifiably arrogant to you?"

Junji's tone indicated that he was genuinely hurt by the existence of the idea, which Tex found more amusing that he probably should have.

"And not only is it arrogant, but it is a lie." Junji followed. "Society should not be lied to."

To Tex's surprise, he found himself completely persuaded.

"You know what?" Tex said. "I agree with you."

"It's funny you would say that." Junji replied.

"Why?"

"Because I have changed my mind."

"Why've you changed your mind?"

"For society to never be lied to, everything would have to be public knowledge."

"...And?"

"And there would be nothing to keep society from crumbling back to cannibalism and feces-slinging contests. What else would I have meant?"

Unable to help himself, Tex began to snicker. He couldn't remember the last time he'd heard something so cynical and naive, but he was sure it had also been from Junji.

"What's so funny?" asked Junji.

"Would you start throwing your shit around if no one was there to stop you?" 

"Of course not. What would I have to gain?"

"So why do you think other people are gonna do it?"

Junji let out a scoff of aristocratic proportions.

"A lack of class." he answered. "I was one of very few who received a proper upbringing."

"I don't got class. You think I'm just gonna shit in my hand and start tossing?"

"No. But you are an impressive man."

"Yeah, it's real impressive."

By the time they'd gotten back to Tex's apartment, Junji had squeezed at least a fifth of the honey bottle directly into his mouth.

"I missed dinner." Junji explained.

Tex took the bottle from Junji so that he could make their tea. While the water was still in the microwave, he squirted a teaspoon of honey into his own mouth.

"Goddamn." he muttered. 

After returning from the kitchenette, Tex found that Junji had seated himself back on the couch. Tex set both cups of tea down on the coffee table and joined him. 

"You like movies?" Tex asked.

"It depends on the movie."

"You wanna watch one?"

"Alright."

Tex didn't feel like pirating a movie or supporting Amazon, so he made a grab for the basket of DVDs under the coffee table.

"Here you go." he said as he placed the basket on the table with a clunk. "Feel free to choose one."

"Why do you have DVDs?"

"Old family heirloom."

Junji pulled a DVD from the box. As Tex snuck a look at the front cover, his blood turned to ice.

It was the 1965 film [The Face of Fu Manchu](https://c8.alamy.com/comp/KGM81G/the-face-of-fu-manchu-1965-film-poster-christopher-lee-date-1965-KGM81G.jpg). Tex's eyes only widened further as he caught sight of the yellow coloring and the faux epicanthic folds painted onto Christofer Lee's painfully Caucasian face. With a pounding heart, Tex snuck a peek at Junji to gauge his reaction.

Junji burst into laughter.

"That was given to me." Tex blurted as Junji was forced to steady himself to keep from folding over.

It took Junji a few seconds to respond. His laughter was overjoyed, giddy even. 

"As was--_hah_\--as was The Brides of Fu Manchu?" Junji managed as he pulled the next DVD out of the box.

"...Yeah." Tex replied.

"And The Vengeance of Fu Manchu?"

"Never even seen it."

"The Blood of Fu Manchu."

"You're killing me here."

"This one is just a copy of The Yellow Peril..."

"What--I don't got--"

"I'm _kidding_. I'm kidding."

Even once he'd finished with the DVDs and wiped his eyes, Junji was still chuckling to himself. Tex supposed his reaction could have been worse.

"You are very easy." said Junji.

"And you're a jackass."

Junji didn't seem like he was about to choose a movie, so Tex reached into the basket himself.

"We could watch this one." Tex suggested as he pulled out Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

"I've seen it."

Tex felt his eyebrows disappear into his bangs. 

"You've seen Butch Cassidy?" asked Tex.

"Yes, the night after I met you. I wanted to better understand the way you speak."

"...Alrighty then."

Tex reached back into the basket and grabbed a random DVD. The second he'd pulled his hand back out and gotten a look at what he'd grabbed, his heart was set.

"We're watching this." he said as he walked over and popped the disk into his laptop.

"What is it?" Junji asked.

"It's called Rocky."

"What's it about?"

"Boxing."

"I hate it."

"You're gonna love it."

Although he was initially quite confident, Tex's certainty that Junji would indeed love the movie began to crumble as he started to think more about what he did and didn't know about Junji. Furthermore, Junji's insistence on not emoting at all during the movie rendered Tex's experience two hours of stress. 

At least it was fitting for the film.

"Well?" Tex asked once the credits had started to roll.

Tex's voice felt hollow. It was the first thing he'd said in two hours.

"Well what?" Junji replied.

"What did you think?"

"Are you crying?"

_"No._"

After pausing for a moment to wipe his eyes, Tex looked back over to see that Junji was still staring blankly. 

"So what'd you think?" Tex followed.

Junji let out a short sound of amusement.

"I thought it was fantastic." he answered.

"Really?" Tex pushed.

"Yes."

"You don't got more to say?"

"What more is there to say? It was very good." 

"Gotta give me more than that."

"I don't know what to give you."

"I wanna hear all your thoughts."

"Would you like me to write a twelve page report?"

"Sure."

Tex still would have liked to hear more, but at least Junji had enjoyed himself.

"I will say this." Junji stated. "That after having worked with Mafioso my whole life, this was the first good experience I've had with an Italian."

"You wash your mouth."

It was two in the morning by the time Junji left. On days that he wasn't up late for his job, Tex usually went to bed around eleven. Thankfully, he'd managed to get his sleep schedule back on track in time for Tala's Sunday meeting.

"So what's the deal?" Barton asked as Tala got her laptop set up on the table.

"I'm pretty sure I know who he is." Tala replied. "I got a picture of him from Google Earth."

"Do you know what room he's in?"

"No. But I do know this."

Tala pointed to the center of her laptop screen as she zoomed in on the front doors of the building. Tex squinted to see a flyer for a charity banquet that took place every Monday.

"The banquet is tomorrow." said Tala. "We got lucky."

"You think we can find him at a banquet?" Tex replied. "I doubt he's really a socializing kinda guy."

"Yeah, but an event would make us roaming the halls a lot less suspicious."

"Good point."

"Some of us could snoop the party while the others go door to door selling--newspapers." Junji suggested. "Or something." 

"Can we see the picture of him?" asked Barton.

"I'll show you tomorrow." Tala replied.

"Why don't you show us now?"

"...I forgot it."

Tex wasn't surprised. A notification tone caused him to reach for his pocket, but he stopped when he saw that it was from Tala's phone.

"Sean wants to know if he can come." Tala said.

"How does Sean know about this?" Tex asked.

"I told him we were going to Portland. He's been wanting to go."

"Why would Sean want to go to Portland?"

"He says weed is cheaper there."

"...Is it?"

"Yeah. No sales tax."

The meeting ended shortly after Tala had finished her conversation with Sean. Tex stood next to Barton as she slung her backpack over her shoulders.

"Gotta give it to Portland, though." said Barton. "After you get tired of watching people literally jerk-off in public, you can go uptown and watch people figuratively jerk-off in public."

Tex had only been to Portland once before. All he really knew about it was that it had supported Los Angeles' decision to bomb his home state and tear his mother apart.

"Hey." Tex said to Barton.

"What?" 

"You better get along with all them Portlanders." 

Barton didn't say anything, although she shot Tex a look as she left that indicated she was not going to get along with all them Portlanders. 

"Why would Barton not get along with the Portlanders?" Junji asked once she'd left.

Tex scoffed out a quick chuckle.

"Let's just say that the best kinda people in the world are non-condescending hippies." he answered. "But the worst kind are condescending hippies."

"And?" 

"And both of them live in Portland."

"Then shouldn't Barton's opinion of them be neutral?"

"Barton hates both kinds."

Junji still didn't look like he understood, but Tex supposed it wasn't mandatory. 


	7. Self-Induced Manslaughter

"May I have a moment of your time?" Junji asked.

Tex looked up from the office table. It was the day of the banquet, and he was messing with the tiny earpieces he'd brought to allow for better communication between the four of them.

"Uh, sure." Tex replied as he placed the earpieces on the table.

Junji reached into his bag. After pulling out a stapled packet of papers, he cleared his throat.

"I've written a twelve page report on Rocky." said Junji.

"...You wrote a twelve page report?"

"I wrote a ten page report and increased the font size so that it would fill twelve pages."

Tex was handed the paper packet. He flipped through it to see that the report had been separated into five sections: writing, acting, plot, sound design, and miscellaneous comments. 

Hesitantly, Tex turned to a page near the end. On the first side of the page, Junji had mapped out every plot point and ranked them from most to least derived. On the flip side of the page, Junji had praised the kissing scene for making him about forty percent more aroused than the average kissing scene did.

Junji's only quarrel with the film seemed to be poor sound equalization.

"Uh..." Tex trailed off once he'd noticed the look of expectation and anticipation in Junji's eyes. "Why'd you do this?"

"You asked me to. It was an expression of friendship."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Also, I did not have anything else to do."

Tex wasn't sure if Junji was expecting him to read the report right then and there, but thankfully, Junji's attention was turned elsewhere when Tala approached the table with a folder in her hands.

Tex slipped the papers into his own bag. He'd read them later.

"Are you guys ready to see the target?" asked Tala.

"I am prepared." Junji replied.

"I'm ready." Tex answered. "Is Barton awake?"

Barton was asleep on the couch. Tex balled up a paper towel and tossed it at her face.

After four more paper towels, Barton was awake. She reluctantly made her way over to the table and took a seat next to Tex.

"This is our target." Tala explained as she held up a photo. 

The photo was of poor quality, most likely because it was obviously a screenshot from Google Earth. It showed a chunky Caucasian male with a round head glancing over his shoulder as he entered the apartment complex. 

"Wow." Barton said with a nod of her head. "I can't believe Tala got a real picture of Bigfoot."

"Is this all we got to go off of?" asked Tex. 

"I think it's enough." Tala replied.

Tex supposed it was enough. Even though the mystery man didn't have any clear facial features to go off of, his dark hair and bowl-able head shape would likely be a dead give away.

They set out shortly after they'd picked up Sean. Once the train to Portland had departed, Tex passed out the ear pieces to Barton and Tala.

He also gave one to Junji, although he took him to a secluded car of the train to show him how to use it.

"Just slide it in your ear--yeah, like that." Tex said as Junji figured it out for himself.

The ear pieces were small enough that they were hard to spot even if you were looking for them. Tex had used them a dozen times before.

"How do I use it?" Junji replied.

"Just tap it once to send a message. And you'll receive messages without having to do anything."

Junji used his pointer finger to press on the mic in his ear.

"Like this?" he asked.

'Like this?' his voice sounded in Tex's ear.

"Yeah." Tex replied.

'Yes.' Tala sent.

"Say something back." Junji asked the old fashion way.

"Testing." Tex said after tapping his ear piece.

Junji touched his ear.

"How did it sound?" asked Tex.

"Dark grey."

With their communicators hidden in their ears and only about five minutes left in the ride, Tex led Junji back to their assigned seats.

Tala was still on her laptop.

"We should turn the cameras off now so they don't get any footage of us." said Tala.

"How much do it cost to keep the cameras down?" Tex asked.

"A dollar a minute. Per camera."

Tex chewed on his lower lip. 

"Keeping the whole complex down might be out of our budget." he muttered. "Specially cause it's gonna be at least a few hours until we can--deal with him."

"I can cover it." Junji replied.

"You can?"

"Yes."

"With what money?"

"I invested in a...business."

Tex raised an eyebrow, but Junji didn't continue. The conversation seemed forgotten by the time they'd pulled into the station, although Tex tucked it away to the back of his mind.

They parked the Zipcar they'd rented on a residential street between the apartment complex and the sketchiest strip mall Tex had ever seen, complete with at least three live drug deals and what appeared to be a war between two different tinfoil hat cults. The apartment complex, on the other hand, was a lavish looking thing, with a pattern of hedges that cut it off from the rest of the world. 

Tex could see that the complex had three floors, with apartment windows dotting the upper two. He could count twelve apartment windows in total. The building was a perfect rectangular prism, so the apartments appeared to be laid out in straight lines with no pesky corners like in the city.

The five of them stood about a hundred feet from the front doors as they worked out their plan.

"We should split up." Tex said. "He might be at the party, or he might be in his room. How about two of us go up and knock on doors, and two of us go to the party?"

"What will we do if we can't find him in either place?" Junji asked.

"We could evacuate the building. Whoever's snooping should be able to see him leave if we got one person on each floor. And even if we don't, at least we can narrow it down."

"I wanna help." said Sean.

"Alright, you can be in charge of evacuation."

"Sick!"

Sean pumped his fist in the air and shot off in the direction of the doors before Tex could think to discuss things further.

With a little shrug, Tex gave up on pre-assigning roles at all when Barton began to impatiently drag them in the direction Sean had gone. They usually worked better when they were improvising, anyway.

The double doors opened up to reveal a small area before another set of doors that were completely clear, save for a line of graffiti that read _less cops more tops_. Tex could see a bit of the party inside, but a man at a small table in mint condition Birkenstocks was what captured his attention.

"Hey, dudes, how's it going?" the man greeted.

Barton grunted.

"That's great." the man followed. "Here's your complimentary enemas."

Along with everyone else, Tex was handed a small white tote bag that had been labeled to contain one donut-scented enema.

Tex eyed it with disgust.

"Would any of you care to make a charity donation?" asked the man.

"What charity?" Tex wondered.

The man's face contorted in confusion. After a moment, he shrugged. Barton groaned and pushed past him, opening the front door to the lobby.

"Were you going to use that?" Junji asked Tex, gesturing to his enema bag.

The high ceiling and decor style of the lobby gave the place an upperiest of upper-middle class feel. Two banners decorated the far wall, one that read _Charity Banquet _and another that held up the pattern of the Newnion flag. 

About twenty people roamed the room in a rainbow swirl of brightly colored rasta hoodies. Some of them were getting food at a long table in the center of the venue, and others were waiting in line to sit at a booth that advertised free aura massages.

"I'm out." Barton said as she turned on her heels and shot off towards the elevators.

"Guess she's on snooping duty." Tex noted once she'd left. "Think I'm gonna join her."

"Please don't make me stay." Tala begged.

"You'll be fine."

"Wait. Wait."

"What?"

Tala sucked in a long breath of air.

"Do you remember that time you got stabbed in the kidney and went to the hospital and I donated my kidney to you so that you wouldn't have to go on a waitlist and probably die and then you said you were in my debt?" she asked.

"You really wanna spend the kidney thing on--aaand you're gone." Tex replied as Tala ran off after Barton. 

With Tala and Barton out of sight, Tex tried not to think too hard about how he was the darkest person in the room.

"Why did you get stabbed in the kidney?" Junji asked.

"Ex-wife wanted to say hello."

Junji didn't reply, which Tex supposed was fair. 

"So." Tex started as he remembered the question he'd previously tucked away. "What kinda business did you invest in?" 

"I invested the money I made on my painting into a black market meth lab masquerading as a mattress firm chain."

"...You're making meth money?"

Junji chuckled.

"No. The money we make from drug sales only goes towards keeping the foundation running." he explained. "Where I profit is when we report massive losses for the mattress firm chain and receive a tax dollar bail-out to compensate our fake mattress employees."

"Sounds like you and the pinkos are making a great team."

Although Tex had more questions, he decided it wasn't the time. As discreetly as he could, he tapped his ear piece.

"How's it going?" he muttered into his mic.

'We're going door to door and keeping track of who answers and who doesn't, so at least we'll know where he isn't if we don't see him.' Tala sent.

'I'm on the first floor, and Tala's on the second.' Barton replied.

"What's your excuse for coming to the door?"

'I don't know what Tala's doing, but I'm asking people to check the batteries in their smoke detectors.'

'I'm telling everyone I'm a registered sex offender.' 

"Alright. Have fun."

Silence fell. Tex used the time to scan the room for their target and unintentionally listen in on two men talking loudly by a wall near the entrance, one in a white hoodie and the other in a yellow.

"...doctor tried to prescribe me Beta-blockers for my high blood pressure." said the man in the white hoodie. "But you know what I told him?"

"What?" the one in the yellow replied.

"Prescription drugs are an epidemic, dude. If capitalism is the blood of the one percent, prescription drugs are the body."

"Shit, bro, I got goosebumps."

"Just a bloated, money making scheme led by people who've convinced us that we need to change the way our brains work to fit in with society. Well, look out society, cause I've decided it's the other way around."

The sound of rapid scribbling was heard as the man in the yellow hoodie began to frantically jot down his friend’s words in a notebook made from recycled cardboard.

"God, you're so smart." he said once he'd finished.

"Thanks, dude. Wanna eat this mushroom I found growing on my bath mat?"

"You got it."

Bored, Tex turned his attention back to Junji to see that his expression was wistful.

_"Ah. _" Junji hummed.

Junji seemed to be staring at something. Tex followed his gaze to see a four-tiered array of smoked salmon cracker plates in between the wine bottles and the silver platter of weed nuggets. 

"Big fan of fish?" asked Tex.

"I want the platter."

"You gonna steal it?"

"No. I will be courteous to the other guests."

Tex couldn't think of anything else to say. He gave the room one more once over.

"...made Charlotte come last night without touching her." the man in the white hoodie continued to the other.

"Woah, dude, how'd you do that?"

"Well, like, bodies are made up of different energies, you know? So I just, like, meditated so hard that I figured out how to use my energy to make a penis. Then I slammed it into her for like--"

The white-hoodied man began to smack his right hand with the back of his left.

"--_ Uh! Uh! Uh! _For like five minutes until she came." he finished.

"Sick."

"Yeah. She didn't even have to take her pants off. And she was so satisfied after that she didn't even wanna have sex with me, bro."

Tex turned his head the other way, searching for anything else to focus his attention on. His eyes stopped on a couple just a few feet away.

The couple consisted of a young man and woman, maybe in their late twenties or early thirties. They seemed to be chatting about something, and they quickly looked away when they noticed Tex was staring in their direction.

They were both very attractive.

"We should mingle with others to appear less suspicious." Junji said with just a tad of audible reluctance.

"Yeah." Tex replied. "Good idea." 

"How do you feel about talking to strangers at parties?"

"Used to like it. Don't as much."

"Why's that?"

"Not sure why, but city folk don't seem to like me."

"Perhaps you just have a bad personality."

"Yeah, it's probably that."

Whatever Junji was going to say was interrupted when the man and the woman Tex had been looking at came over with excited expressions. 

"How are you two doing today?" the woman greeted.

Tex scanned the couple to get a better look at their attire. The woman was wearing a fine dress of green, yellow, and red, while the man was wearing a simple shirt that read _Bernie can still win guys._

"I am well." Junji replied.

"Great weather we're having, right?" the man asked.

"Could be worse." answered Tex.

It was easy to miss, but Tex managed to notice that the woman's eyebrows raised when he started to speak.

"I haven't seen you two around before." she said.

"We were invited by a friend." Junji replied.

"Rad." the man nodded. "What're your signs?" 

For just a moment, a look of anxiety flashed over Junji's face.

"Uh, the crab one." he answered.

"Wow, I can totally see that." the man replied.

"Mine's just a...stop sign." said Tex.

"Wow, I can totally see that."

Tex wasn't sure how to respond, and Junji didn't seem like he was either. The amount of silence that passed was uncomfortable, but neither the man or the woman seemed to notice.

"Say," the woman started, "we've been looking to have a four-way with a cancer and a stop sign."

Tex coughed.

"How would you two dudes feel about joining us in a spiritual journey?" the man asked.

Although Tex had no intention of giving up his scouting assignment to have a four-way with two strangers, he was so amazed by both the couple's shamelessness and taste that he couldn't help but humor them a bit longer.

"This a literal journey, or figurative?" asked Tex.

"Both." the man answered. "It's just a twenty minute train ride from where we are now."

Tex squinted his eyes in suspicion. Twenty minutes on the modern railway system was enough to travel fifty million miles, as long as you stayed on land.

"We'll make it worth your while." the woman said as she reached out and ran a hand down Junji's arm.

Junji flinched. Tex's eyes only narrowed into smaller slits when the woman's hand faltered for a moment near Junji's butt.

"So what do you say?" the man asked. "We got a couple dabs and some printed out instructions of an ancient Apache four-way ritual so it's basically gonna be a party."

"We even asked all the Native Americans if it was alright so it's not appropriation." the woman added.

Junji gave Tex a little glance. 

"Think we're gonna have to miss it." Tex replied.

Both the man and the woman frowned.

"How can we convince you?" asked the woman.

"For starters, you could tell me what you just took from my friend over here." Tex answered, gesturing to Junji with his thumb.

Dual looks of panic flashed over the man and woman's face. The woman opened both her hands to show that they were empty.

"Check your back pocket." Tex muttered as he gave Junji a little nudge.

"Wait." the man said with a white face. "You don't wanna do..."

Junji reached into his back pocket and pulled out a little baggy filled with small white pills. After opening the bag, he gave it a sniff.

"Opioids." he said to Tex. "I did not have these when I came in."

With a tiny chuckle of amazement, Tex turned his attention back to the pair.

"Now." he started. "Would you mind telling me what those are doing in his pocket?"

The woman and man exchanged a glance with one other. Both of their faces fell to irritation.

"We just wanted help sneaking some drugs into Mexico." the man explained.

"And in case we got searched at the train station, we didn't want to be the ones to get arrested." the woman continued. "Is that so wrong?"

"Yes." Tex replied. "Fuck's wrong with you?"

"Hey! We gave him fifty bucks!"

Junji reached into his pocket again. When he pulled his hand back out, he was holding a fifty dollar Whole Foods gift card.

"I do not want these." Junji said as he handed the opioids and gift card back to the couple. 

"You tried to turn him into a drug mule." Tex stated in disbelief.

"Oh, like you're so perfect." the man replied. "With you and your--beliefs."

"You know what? You can go to hell."

The woman clicked her tongue.

"Calm down, cowboy." she said. "Do you kiss your sister with that mouth?"

Tex's mouth nearly fell open in disbelief. He gave up trying to suppress his anger as it started to come up his throat.

"I don't know who you think you are, talking to me like that." he started slowly, spitting out the words. "But--"

Tex was cut off as Junji threw a hand over his mouth and began to half-drag him away from the encounter. For a moment, Tex tried to struggle, but he quickly found that Junji was set with determination.

They got a few weird looks, but not a lot.

"Calm yourself." Junji said as he led Tex to the back of the venue.

"What--"

"Calm yourself."

Junji only took his hands off of Tex's shoulders when the steam had stopped pouring from his ears. Free, Tex looked over his shoulders to see they were by the bathrooms.

"Why'd you do that?" Tex asked.

"I thought it best we remove ourselves from the situation."

"That really pissed me off. We should do something."

"What would we do?"

Although the temptation to call the authorities and try to charge the couple with attempted drug trafficking was strong, Tex's ideologies, job, and thirty charges of credit card fraud gave him a lot of reason to avoid the police.

"I don't know." Tex answered. "Find out which apartment is theirs and burn it."

"That seems excessive."

"It is. I'm real mad."

Junji's face was calm and patient as he replied.

"I have no intent to bring about any sort of revenge." said Junji.

"Why not?"

"Why would your solution to a negative thing be to cause another negative thing? That would be utter nonsense."

Tex frowned.

"I don't think people ought to get away with stuff like that." he replied. "Getting even might make them less likely to do something like this again."

"Do you really believe that?"

With a tiny scoff, Tex gave up.

"I'm sorry I am not more fun." Junji followed as Tex leaned his back against the wall near the bathroom door.

"It's alright." Tex replied. "Though I gotta say, you ain't what I expected. Being ex-Yak and all that."

"What were you expecting?"

"I dunno. I didn't think you would be so--ethical."

"It was not called unorganized crime, Dallas."

Tex let out a short, dry chuckle. About a dozen feet away, a man with weed socks and a weed hat began to pour out a bottle of Armand de Brignac Ace of Spades Brut Gold sparkling wine for snorkel shots.

"I do not understand this culture." Junji stated.

"This is just what rich people are now, I guess."

Junji exhaled and cracked a smile. Tex began to feel better. 

"How about this." Tex followed. "I'm real upset this happened to you. If there's anything I can do for you, give me the word."

"I will keep that in mind."

Tex nodded. After pretending to scratch his ear, he tapped his microphone.

"How's it going on the door situation?" he asked.

'Bad.'

'People don't usually come to their door when it's strangers. They probably think we're break-in Mormons or something.'

'We should evacuate the building. Barton and I will keep track of the doors. It's late enough that even if he isn't home, we'll be able to narrow it down to just a few rooms.'

Tex glanced at his watch to see that it was seven minutes to eleven.

"Good idea." he replied. "How does eleven sound?"

'Perfect. There's only two floors of apartments, we can each keep track of a floor.'

"Everyone good on eleven?"

'Yes.'

'Yes.'

'Uhuh.'

Tex scanned the room for a fire alarm, which he spotted just a few feet to his left, on the other side of the bathrooms.

"I will see to it that no one gets trampled." Junji said as he turned to leave.

"Have fun."

While Junji made his way to the center of the party, Tex took a few steps towards the alarm. He flinched when someone leaving the men's bathrooms nearly smacked into him.

"Oh, hey, Sean." Tex greeted.

"Hey man." Sean replied. "How's it going?"

"We're evacuating. Eleven sharp."

As he spoke, Tex gestured his head towards the fire alarm.

"Can I still do it?" 

"Knock yourself out."

Tex's voice was dead enough that it didn't surprise him when Sean raised an eyebrow. Still, he played dumb as they settled next to the alarm.

"What?" Tex asked.

"Did something happen? You look a little ticked off."

Tex let out a short sigh. He supposed there was no harm in explaining his situation to Sean.

"Some people said some rude shit to me." Tex explained. "I know I ain't never gonna see them again, but it still makes me feel all cynical."

"Ah, dude, that's a perfectly reasonable thing for you to stress about."

"It is?"

"I don't--I'm not saying you should, just that it's understandable. Whenever people treat me like shit, it sticks with me for the rest of the day."

Tex hummed in response.

"But here's the thing." Sean continued. "There's nothing wrong with you. Whoever spat at you is probably depraved."

"That's good to hear." 

Sean gave Tex a look that made him feel like he'd said something wrong.

"Is it good to hear?" asked Sean. "That these people are depraved?"

"...Suppose it ain't."

"High class life might look lavish, but it ain't worth the--conditions. You gotta dress a certain way, think a certain way, just for people to love you."

"Guess that's not ideal." 

"It leaves you full of holes. And just like any hole, people are gonna throw principles aside to try and fill it."

Sean glanced at the fire alarm. Tex snuck a peak at his phone to see that it was just a minute to eleven.

"I grew up near here." Sean followed. "There's nothing special about rich folks. There's prolly a universe somewhere with you and I walking around in these hoodies."

Although Sean's thought was dark, it still managed to peel back a bit of the cynicism that Tex had arrived with. He let his mouth soften as he formed his response.

"That kinda makes me sad, but it kinda don't at the same time." Tex slowly replied. "Thank you, Sean."

"Of course. You're a good dude, Tex. I'd hate to see you all pessimistic."

"Yeah, likewise."

Sean nodded and put his hand next to the fire alarm as the last few seconds ticked down to eleven o'clock. Tex smiled in the silence, cherishing in the sudden appreciation he had for both Sean and his wisdom.

"Active shooter!" Sean screamed at the top of his lungs.

Tex watched in horror as the party immediately erupted into pure chaos. 

"What the hell!" Tex yelled to Sean over the growing shouts.

"What?"

"I thought you were just gonna pull the fire alarm!"

Sean turned his head towards the alarm, as if he was just noticing it for the first time.

"Oh." said Sean.

"Yeah."

With a little flick of his wrist, Sean broke the glass and pulled the fire alarm.

The panic of the room only increased as the piercing shriek of the fire alarm filled the air. Several people slipped and fell as the sprinklers began to shower water onto the floor.

"This is God punishing us for never going to the primaries!" a woman at the buffet table yelped.

"Why would you do that!?" Tex hissed.

"Do what?" Sean replied.

"Pull the alarm!"

"You asked me to."

"No I didn't..."

Sean sighed and reached into his pocket to pull out a tiny tube of super glue. Tex's jaw nearly fell as Sean began to glue the shards of glass back together and over the alarm.

"Why?" Tex asked over the sound of screams and the howl of the alarm.

"Maybe it'll stop the alarm."

"How? How would it do that?" 

Sean glued in the last piece of glass. The alarm stopped.

"Sean, I'm sorry I ever doubted you." Tex said as he left for the buffet table with every intention of drowning himself in abandoned wine.

"Have fun."

Tex was halfway to the table when he got a message.

'I am going to evacuate everyone in this room.' Junji sent.

"They aren't leaving by themselves?"

'They seem to have forgotten the location of the exit. A small group of them have banded together and are attempting to take down a wall.'

"There ain't really a shooter. You don't actually gotta evacuate them."

'I have witnessed three incidents in the last minute to suggest these people will resort to cannibalism if they remain in this room.'

Tex grit his teeth with irritation at humankind's sudden insistence on proving Junji right.

"Look." Tex started. "Just cause these people are kinda goofy, that don't mean that all--"

'Spare me.'

People began to pour from the elevators and the stairs. Tex scanned his surroundings for the target, but was quickly distracted by the scene of Junji attempting to round up the panicked occupants so he could lead them out the double doors.

'Do you remember how you said you wanted to do something for me?' Junji asked as he maneuvered his herd with little grace.

"Yeah?"

'There is something I would like.'

"What can I do you for?"

'Do you see that salmon platter?'

Tex gave the buffet table a little look to remember the salmon platter.

"Yeah." he replied.

'It will be destroyed in the commotion if we don't take it. I cannot bear the thought.'

"You want me to take it?"

'Please.'

On one hand, Tex wasn't sure it was the best use of his time, but on the other, he wasn't about to pass up on his favorite activity of taking things. Tex easily made his way to the buffet table for a closer look at the salmon tray. With all four tiers, the tray clocked in at about three feet high.

Tex grabbed the whole thing without really thinking about it.

The walk to the exit didn't look long, but the wet floor and commotion seemed like they might cause challenge. Tex did his best to keep the tray steady as he made his way over, but a few crackers began to slide off the plates and onto the floor.

"Thinking about leaving a few of the tiers." Tex sent to Junji.

'A terrible thought. Please don't leave any tiers.'

"I'm gonna set a tier down."

'There are about twenty-four salmon crackers per plate, or ninety-six in total. You are currently losing crackers at a rate of one per three seconds. Even if that rate stayed constant rather than decreasing, as it will, one cracker per three seconds per one minute to the car means--'

"Twenty crackers lost, yeah."

'Even if you put down as little as one plate, you would be wasting a net total of four crackers.'

As Tex exited through the double dours, a falling cracker was reduced to dust when it was unwittingly trampled by a passerby.

"I don't wanna watch it happen, though. I wasn't ready for this sort of responsibility."

'They would've been destroyed in the sprinklers if you'd left them. Have you considered that your emotional turmoil is pathetic and a nuisance to society?'

Tex chuckled through his earpiece as he neared in on the car. He hoisted up the trays on his hip as he unlocked the door before shoving the whole thing into the backseat. When he turned back around, he was just in time to see Junji finish with his task of herding out the party-goers, a few of which he appeared to be half-carrying.

Upon exiting the doors, the members of the crowd began to run off in separate directions. Tex caught an earful of distant sirens.

"We should split. Get to the car." Tex said into his ear piece.

'We'll be there in a minute.' Tala replied. 'We got lost getting back.'

"How? It's just right next to the strip mall."

'Yeah, but they gentrified it since we left, so it took us a while to recognize it.'

Tex looked over to the strip mall to see that the old worn down shops had been replaced by an organic non-GMO grocery outlet, an artisan wine and cheese shop, and a store that sold pre-burnt bras.

'But on the plus side, the homeless population has gone up.' sent Barton.

'How is that a plus? You hate the homeless.'

'I like to hate.'

It was nearly midnight by the time all five of them had gotten back to the car. Still, Tala reasonably suggested they wait a few hours for the police to leave and everyone to go to bed. So Tex found a more secluded parking spot and tried not to think too hard about how early it would be when they got back. 

Having gotten his weed, Sean bid them goodbye.

"Guess I'm heading out." he said as he looked up the bus directions to the train station on his phone.

"Night." Tex replied. "Have fun getting a full night's sleep."

"Don't worry, I'll get in an extra eight for you tonight."

"You're going to sleep for sixteen hours?" asked Junji.

"Nah, I'll do them at the same time."

Sean waved them goodbye and left for the buses on foot. Tex might have offered him a ride if he didn't think moving the car around might raise suspicion.

"We should try to sleep." Barton suggested.

Tex examined the uncomfortable-looking insides of their compact car before turning back to Barton.

"What is it with you and sleeping?" he asked.

Barton snored.

Only Barton ended up being able to get any rest. Junji curled up in the backseat with the salmon platter and started to do what looked like taxes, although Tex couldn't read Japanese.

Tex played Uno with Tala to pass the time. 

"Hey, uh, I got a weird question." Tex told Tala as they cleaned up the remains of their epic three hour long Uno game.

"What is it?" Tala replied.

"You're Apache, right?"

"Genetically, yeah."

"Are there any Apache--uh, four-way rituals you know of?"

"Only ones that I've lied about." 

Junji perked up when he noticed Tala was getting her computer stuff together. Tex balanced miscellaneous items on Barton's head until she woke up.

"Alright." Tex said while they all put their gloves on. "This is a complex, so we gotta be quiet. And he's gonna be asleep in his room, so we need to take him out before we get to the computer."

"I suspect a gunshot would wake up the neighbors, even with the silencer." Junji replied as he shoved the last salmon cracker in his mouth.

"Goddamn, you're right. Wish I'd thought of that. Can anyone think of a silent way to murder?"

"I have a lethal injection of cyanide in my purse." said Tala.

"...Hell did you get that?"

"Amazon." 

"Can I do the killing?" Barton asked. "It's been a while since I've killed someone."

"Work it out with Tala." Tex answered.

They took the stairs instead of the elevator to get up to the second floor. There were three doors that needed to be unlocked: the front door, the door at the top of the stairs, and the door of their target. Tex picked them all with ease while he prayed that no one walked by.

Thankfully, no one did.

They fell from quiet to dead silent as they shuffled into the room. Tex spent several long seconds closing the door behind them to make sure it didn't click against the frame. After he'd turned back around, he got a look.

The only light in the apartment came from a computer that sat in the living room after a very short hallway. Tex could just make out a kitchen, an open door to a bathroom, and two closed doors along the right side of the living room.

Tex's eyes went wide when he realized their target was sitting at the computer. Although his head was turned away and large headphones covered his ears, Tex shot the others a look and a gesture as quickly as he could.

"We gotta take him out." Tex whispered to Barton as quietly as he could manage.

"I got it." Barton replied.

While Tex signaled for everyone else to stay back, Barton began to creep towards the chair. Tex's heart pounded uncomfortably as she neared him. Once she was in range, Barton brought her fist into the air.

He fell limp and out of his chair just a second after she'd struck.

"Alright." said Tex. "Let's get to work."

"Can I use the injection?" Tala asked with eyes full of hope and wonder.

"Knock yourself out."

"I think he died from the punch." Barton said as she gave the target's body a little kick. "Oopsies."

"...But what about the injection?" Tala pouted. 

"We'll use it next time." Tex promised.

"Yay!"

Junji examined the body on the floor and frowned.

"We probably should have checked his computer before we killed him." he said.

"Why's that?" Tex replied.

"It's unlikely, but it's possible we could have been wrong about who the target was."

"...Why don't we take a look?"

Since it had just been in use, the computer was unlocked. Tala sat down in the chair and began to rummage through the files and system tray.

"Yeah, it was definitely him." she said. "I can see a massive file in here that he's running."

Tex breathed out a sigh of relief. He had never been so happy to learn that someone had created life in their computer for the intentions of endlessly tormenting it.

"Because the computer is unlocked, should we not just use the monitor to view the program?" Junji suggested. "We might even be able to fix things from his computer."

"Nah, we should still use the adapter." Tala replied. "I don't want to click on somebody and realize that it tears all their organs out or something."

"...A good point."

The fix ended up being a textbook case once Tala had pulled up the code and set up the adapter. With the help of Junji, Tex figured out what needed to be fixed, vomited everywhere, decided to quit his job, and begged Barton to ease his suffering.

"Try to throw up under the body." Barton suggested as Tex blindly clung to her leg. "That way it'll look like he did it."

_"Mmblrrggg._" Tex sobbed.

"No, not on the body."

After the job had been finished and Tex's memory had been properly wiped, his mood drastically improved.

Although he did open a window.

"You ready to find out what they want?" Tala asked. "Jesus is already in there."

"Ready as ever." answered Tex.

Tex restuck the suction cup to his forehead and put his hand on the train car window to see seven confused people in a loose circle around the Jesus asset.

Tala had Jesus explain to the group that their previous overseer had been killed and that they were free. When they began to ask Jesus questions, Tex gave the information he learned to Tala.

"There's seven of them." Tex explained. "They're all people from his--uh, Lucas's high school chemistry team. They say they didn't let him compete in the finals because he was trash and he hated them for it."

"Ok." Tala replied.

"They say Lucas comes around in the evenings to torture them. The rest of the time they do book club meetings and play touch football."

"...Ok."

"They were all friends before they got put in here. They value each other."

"Aww. How many of them want to be deleted?"

Junji and Tex exchanged a glance. One of the chemistry teammates poked Jesus with a frown.

"None of them." Tex replied. "But, uh..."

"What?" Tala pushed.

"They want to have a purpose. They know that we can change reality, and they've requested a chemistry lab."

"Chemistry?"

"They say it's what they have in common."

"Junji and I have been working on a biology lab. Is biology alright?"

Jesus asked the group of seven if biology was alright.

"They say it's fine, they guess." Tex cited for them.

"Good." Tala replied. "I'll copy and paste the code."

It didn't take Tala long to punch in the code. Through the window of the train car, Tex watched as the room was torn out from under the chemistry team's feet and instantly replaced with a sleek biology lab the size of a small house.

"How did y'all code a bio lab so fast?" asked Tex.

"We stole a lot of it from Reddit." Junji answered.

It was easy sailing from there. Tala added a code-wiping hole in the ground that anyone could jump into when they were done with existing. The chemistry team promised to leave their findings somewhere, and Tala sped up time to a blur until Tex couldn't see movement in the lab anymore.

"How long did they make it?" Junji asked as the scene slowed down to a one-to-one time output.

"A little over a thousand years." answered Tala.

Tex squinted at two white boards that had been pushed into his view. He could see that they were covered in hundreds of lines of writing.

"They seem to have written their studies on a board for us." Junji said.

"There's a lot, so I ain't really looking forward to citing it." Tex added.

"That's fine." Tala replied. "Now that no one's alive anymore, I'm comfortable just viewing things from the monitor."

"Can we come out then?"

"Sure."

Tex popped the suction cup off his forehead with a sigh. He walked over to the monitor as Tala wiggled the mouse and brought it back to life. 

After Tala had maximized the program from the taskbar, a two dimensional version of the room Tex had just been viewing popped onto the screen. Tala quickly discovered she could rotate the room by clicking and dragging the mouse button.

She found the white boards with ease.

"Let me just take a picture." Tala said as she pulled out her phone.

Tala snapped a photo of the screen and sent it to herself over Discord. Tex supposed there were worse ways to be remembered by.

"What did it say?" Tex asked.

"We'll look when we get in the car." Barton replied. "We still got a dead man to deal with."

Suddenly remembering the situation, Tex turned his attention to the vomit-covered dead body on the floor with a punch-shaped bruise on the side of his head.

"Maybe he fell on his fist." Tex suggested.

With a grunt, Barton maneuvered Lucas' body until he was on his knees with his forehead on the coffee table. She then placed a book under his left foot.

"There." she said. "Death by trip. It wasn't a suicide, it was self induced man-slaughter."

"That's how I want to go out." Tala whispered.

The set up looked a bit suspicious, but Tex didn't have any other ideas. Hopefully the police would believe Lucas tripped in his panic to leave the building when the fire alarm went off. 

"Y'all ready to blow this Tupperware party?" asked Tex.

"Please." Barton replied.

They returned to their silence once they left the apartment. Tex just barely remembered to lock the door on the way out before they made their way back down the stairs. 

The ride back to the train station was short. After they'd situated themselves in their seats and the train had departed, Tex turned to Tala.

"I wanna read what they wrote on the board." Tex told her as Barton snored beside him.

Tala pulled up the picture and handed Tex her phone.

"I am also interested." said Junji. "What does it say?"

The photo showed that the board had been split into two topics. Tex read the preambles of both.

"They say they're final conclusions." Tex replied. "There's two of them."

"What are they on?" Tala asked.

"The first one's on--bases. Or something."

"Read it."

Tex cleared his throat.

_"Humans: Base Four, Five, or Twenty-one?" _he read. _"For a thousand years, we've pondered the question of what base humans are coded in. We started with three schools of thought: DNA; or base four, RNA; or base five, and protein; or base twenty-one. Our research was as follows _\--"

Tex stopped reading once he'd realized how long it was.

"What did they conclude?" Junji asked.

After a moment of skimming, Tex found the end of the study.

"Base two." answered Tex.

"It took them a thousand years to figure that out?" Tala scoffed.

"What's the other topic?" Junji pushed.

Tex squinted at the other section of the board.

"Sex." he replied.

"What did they write about it?" Tala asked.

"That we should have more of it."

"It took them a thousand years to figure that out?" Junji scoffed.

Tex handed Tala's phone back to her when she reached for it.

"I guess I'll send their findings to Harvard." she said. "Or something."

Tex felt his eyes threaten to close by the time the train had slowed to a halt. The four of them left the station in a tired, silent haze.

"Do we have to meet tomorrow?" Barton asked in a mumble. 

"Not for long." Tex replied. "We just gotta assess our standings."

_"Uhhg._"

They ended up agreeing on nine pm the next night. Tex just hoped he'd be able to get some sleep.


	8. 00110001 00110000 00110001

The sun was up by the time they'd gotten back to Seattle.

Instead of sleeping, Tex had opted instead to reread the biology team's final conclusions after Tala had sent it to him. He hadn't been able to understand much more of it, but something about the phrase 'what base are humans coded in', specifically the 'humans are coded' part had captured his interest.

After having spent half a day caught in a rabbit hole of trying to understand computers, Tex had realized he didn't really know much at all. 

He felt more awake than he probably should have as he walked into the meeting room.

"Hey, Texington." Tala greeted.

"It's two minutes after nine." said Junji. "You are late."

Junji was drinking a large cup of coffee, although it didn't seem to be helping.

"Do that upset you?" Tex replied.

"No, I just thought you might like to know."

Tala grabbed the Pain Finder Thing from the table and checked the screen.

"Looks like we're good." said Tala. "There's a few dark red dots, but they're all military stuff we've known about for years."

As per usual, Tex resisted the urge to suggest they try and break into a top secret military base to free the tormented prisoners of war and tattle on the deplorable sins of the United States government to the public.

"Guess we got a break." he said instead.

"So the meeting's over?" Barton asked.

"Yup. Maybe we'll get a few days off."

Barton nodded and made her way over to the fridge. Tala grabbed her laptop and left for the office across the hall, presumably to get some work done.

Junji started to make a break for the coffee maker, but Tex caught up to him first.

"Fore you go." Tex muttered as he reached for Junji's shoulder. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure. What is it?"

It took Tex longer than usual to find a good way to phrase himself.

"I get how you can tell a computer to do something and it'll do it, right?" he started. "You type in a command, and it does what it knows its supposed to do."

"Yes."

"But what I don't get is--how do you teach a computer to listen to you in the first place? How do it know the commands?"

Junji let out a tiny exhale of what sounded like amusement. 

"What you're asking about is how to create a programming language." Junji replied.

"Uh, I guess."

"This is difficult for me to explain. Do you understand how binary works?"

"Well enough to count in it. Though I gotta think about it for a while."

"Binary is the simplest way of counting. There is only on and--"

Junji cut himself off with a yawn.

"--on and off." he finished. "That is the basis of all programming, sort of."

Tex didn't get it.

"I don't get it." said Tex.

"And I don't blame you. Perhaps Tala would do a better job."

Tex turned his eyes to the other office outside the open door. After giving Junji a shrug, he walked into the hall and knocked cautiously against the wood.

_"Come in!"_ Tala called.

Tex opened the door to see Tala at the desk with her laptop.

"Hi." he greeted.

"Hello." Tala replied.

"Could you do me a favor? I got a question."

"What's up?"

Tex gave himself a moment to think before replying.

"How do you make a programming language?" asked Tex. "How would you start?"

With a look of mild concern, Tala turned halfway around in her swivel chair.

"Are you trying to make a programming language?" Tala wondered.

"No. I just wanna get the concept."

"Oh. I have just the thing."

Tala returned to the windows screen on her laptop and clicked an icon that resembled brown cube with a green top. After the program had started to load, she waved Tex over.

Tex could tell that it was some kind of video game.

"What game is this?" Tex asked.

"Fortnite."

"Alright."

Fortnite loaded its menu quickly, along with the messages _Minecraft Java Edition_ and _Welcome back, Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel_. Tex watched as Tala selected 'single player' and then a world called 'Programming 101'.

The game world loaded in. It was a blocky, sand-filled world.

"So this is Fortnite, huh." Tex said with interest.

"Uhuh. But for this to make sense, don't think of it as a game. Think of it as something you're doing in real life."

Tex was able to sort of understand what was going on as Tala walked her character over to a brown block and a switch.

01101000 01110100 01110100 01110000 01110011 00111010 00101111 00101111 01100010 01101001 01110100 00101110 01101100 01111001 00101111 00110011 00110110 01101000 01000011 01010001 01100101 01011010

"This brown block is a lamp." Tala explained. "When I flip the switch, it will turn on."

"Alright."

"The lamp is a good example of binary, or base two. It can only be a zero, or off, like it is now, or..."

Tala trailed off as she flipped the switch. 

"...Or a one." she finished. "On."

"What's the red coke do?" Tex asked.

"That's red stone. Pretend it's like copper wire in a computer."

"Alright."

"Now let's say that we want to light up a second lamp."

Tala placed another lamp two blocks to the left of the first one.

"And I'll just put..." Tala continued as she placed a grey tile between the lamps. "This here."

"What's that tile?" asked Tex. "The one with the red line?"

"That's a repeater. For the time being, let's just say it works exactly like red stone. The charge passes through the first lamp and continues through the repeater to the second lamp."

"Alright."

"Now, what if we have a real computer?"

Tex continued to pay close attention as Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel flew up and away to a new section of ground. 

"That's a computer?" Tex wondered.

"Sort of."

"It sucks."

"Yes it does. It's just a bunch of pixels that can only be turned on or off."

Tala moved her character to a third section of ground.

"Here's the program we're going to apply to the computer." Tala explained.

"...Alright."

Once again, Tala moved to a new location. 

"And here's the program applied to the computer." she followed.

"It looks familiar..."

"Would you like to flip the switch?"

As Tala leaned over, Tex was given access to the mouse and keyboard. 

"Press space twice to return to the ground." said Tala.

Tex followed the instructions and came to his feet. After finding the WASD keys, he walked over to the switch.

"Right mouse button to turn on the switch." Tala continued.

Tex flipped the switch. He could tell some of the blocks were lighting up, but he wasn't high enough to see the whole picture. 

"Double tap space again to fly." 

After double tapping and holding the space bar, Tex got himself up to a good vantage point. 

"It's Sands Undertale!" Tex realized.

"Yes, Tex, very good."

Tex smiled to himself. Tala seemed quite proud. 

"At a basic level, a program is just you forcing a computer to turn things on or off." said Tala.

"Ok."

"A more advanced thing to do would be saving the program, altering it, and then saving the altered version as a separate file."

"Oh."

"Then if you told the computer to swap between the files, you could create little animations of Sand Undertale winking or sucking a fallacious cock." 

There was a knock at the door. A second later, it opened to reveal a Junji that looked even more out of it then before.

"Hello." Junji greeted. 

"Hi." Tala replied.

"Would it be alright if I slept here? I don't trust myself to..."

Junji trailed off. Tex looked over to see that he was squinting at the image of Sand Undertale.

"What game is this?" Junji asked.

A look of deep thought passed over Tala's face. After a moment, her eyes lit up with sudden realization. 

"Oh my god." Tala stated with excitement. "Junji, get over here. You need to play this."

"Hmm?" Junji hummed.

"Please. It'll be so funny."

Junji walked over to the computer. Immediately, Tala jumped up out of her seat and motioned for him to take it.

Tala exited out of the world they were in and returned to the menu while Junji made himself comfortable. After requesting a new world, she changed the gamemode from creative to survival.

The world loaded in. Besides the graphics, it almost looked like a different game. The flat sand world had been replaced with a dense forest.

"Punch the trees." Tala instructed.

Junji gave the tree before him a light punch.

"No, you have to hold the button." Tala followed.

Junji followed Tala's instructions. A few seconds later, a block-shaped section of the tree scooped itself out and reappeared in Junji's hand.

"Why did the tree not fall over?" Junji asked.

"Because it's a video game." answered Tala. "Get the rest of the wood."

With a tiny shrug, Junji chopped down the rest of the tree. By the time he'd finished, he'd collected four wood blocks.

"Press 'E'." Tala followed.

Junji pressed the 'E' key, which opened a screen of his inventory and a small two by two grid. 

"You can craft in the grid. Try it." Tala continued.

Junji placed a wood block in the upper-leftmost square of the grid.

"Turn all the logs into planks. You can't make anything with logs."

After making sixteen wood planks, Junji then placed a single plank in the grid.

The grid offered him a button. Junji took it. He then placed another plank on the upper-rightmost square of the grid, but didn't take the output when he saw that it was still a button.

Next, Junji placed a second plank to the direct left of the first. He was given the option of making a pressure plate, which he took for his two planks. Junji then placed a plank back in the upper-leftmost corner, and another under it.

He took the four sticks he was offered.

Junji then placed planks in both the upper-leftmost and lower-rightmost square. Upon making nothing, he placed a third plank in the upper row. Upon still nothing happening, he swapped the position of the plank to the other available space. Finally, he added a fourth plank to complete the square.

He took the crafting table.

"Uh, Junji," Tala started, "I can just tell you the recipes if you want."

Instead of replying, Junji placed the crafting table inside the crafting grid.

"No." Tala said with a frown.

Junji stopped trying to craft the crafting table.

"Place the table with the right mouse button."

Junji selected the table in his inventory and placed it with the right mouse button.

"Right click it."

After right clicking the table, a new grid appeared. This one offered a third row and column.

"Oh." Junji said as he placed wood planks all along the top row.

Junji took the wood slabs he was offered. After placing three more planks back along the top row, Junji placed his final plank in the left-center row. 

Nothing happened. Junji moved the plank to the very center. Nothing happened. Junji moved the plank to the right-center.

"There's nothing else you can make with this little wood." said Tala.

Junji grabbed the sticks he'd made. First, he placed one in the upper-leftmost square and one in the square right next to it.

"I've made a horrible mistake." Tala stated.

Fifteen minutes later, Junji had made one shovel.

"Junji, you're dying." Tala groaned. "A zombie is attacking you."

"Progress comes with many sacrifices."

A few moments later, a flash of red appeared on the screen along with a message informing Junji that Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel had died.

"Tex." Tala said as she rubbed her temples. "Please take over."

After Junji had left the chair, Tex took an uncertain seat in it. Tala loaded him up a brand new world.

"Make a crafting table." Junji suggested. "It will give you enough space to try recipes until you die."

Instead of looking at crafting options, Tex was more interested in exploring. After walking past a few trees and some little hills, he spotted a few blocks to the right of him that were a very strange texture of brown.

He almost jumped when the blocks started to move.

"It's alive?" asked Tex.

"It's a cow." Tala explained.

Tex walked around to the front of the animal to get a better look. He saw that it was indeed a cow, in the loosest sense of the word.

"It's kinda cute." Tex muttered.

The cow mooed at Tex as he approached it. Tex felt a sudden wave of deep affection. 

"I wanna pet the cow." he said.

"You can't pet the cow."

Eyes filled with hope, Tex left-clicked on the cow to see if he could pet it. To his horror, the cow yelped in pain and jumped away.

"You punched the cow." Tala correctly observed.

"No!"

"If you punch the cow enough times, you can get some meat."

"I don't wanna punch the cow."

The cow calmed down and settled back before Tex's feet, as if it had forgotten that it had been hit.

"Finish the job." Tala said in a low voice.

Tex frowned hard. He considered trying to select the cow with the other mouse button to see if he could help it, but was too worried about accidentally hitting it again.

"What are we punching?" asked Barton.

Tex looked over towards Barton's voice to see that she was standing in the doorway. She walked to the computer when Tala gave her a little wave.

"Cows." Junji answered.

"Tex punched a cow and now he won't finish killing it." Tala said.

"Move over." Barton replied. "I wanna kill it."

Barton was given the chair and access to the mouse and keypad. Tex hid behind her as she swung her fist wildly at the cow.

"Just like in the war, huh?" Barton said to Tex as she collected the meat and leather of the dead cow.

Tex choked back a sob.

Nightfall came quickly in the Fortnite world. A tall, strange creature made of ebony appeared next to Barton. 

"Don't punch that." Tala warned.

Barton punched the creature. It let out a horrible yelp and killed her in seconds. 

"Video games are ruining society anyway." Barton grumbled. "I'm going to bed."

Barton was out the door in seconds, leaving behind a Game Over screen and a chat message that Michelangelo_the_Ninja_Turtle_is_an_Incel had died yet again. 

"What's an incel?" Tex asked.

"An involuntary celibate." Tala answered.

"God, I haven't been laid since sixty-six. Guess that makes me an incel."

Tala sighed.

"No, Tex, you're not an incel." she said calmly.

"But he meets all of the qualifications." Junji replied.

"An incel's like a failed pick-up artist."

"What's a pick-up artist?" 

Tala's eyes widened with excitement once again. Quickly, she pulled a blank sheet of paper out from the printer tray and began to scribble on in.

"Junji." she said as she wrote. "I know the last time I tried to get you to do something, it backfired. But I've never been more sure of this."

"What do you want me to do?" Junji asked.

Tala didn't answer until she'd written for about a minute and a half. Once she'd finished, she put the pen down and gave her writing hand a little shake.

"Read this." Tala answered as she handed Junji the paper. "Out loud."

Junji squinted at the sheet.

"Put on Tex's glasses." Tala followed. "And push them up before you start to read."

Seeing no reason not to, Tex handed his glasses to Junji. Junji slipped them on his face as Tala took out her phone and hit record.

_"Listen up all you beta cucks._" Junji articulated as he pushed the glasses up his nose, the lenses flaring for a moment from the overhead light. _"It's time for you to learn the ancient art of crushing dat puss._"

Junji cleared his throat as he continued onto the second side of the paper. 

_"Our desire to bone is what moves us as a species._" he followed. _"And it's not just men, either, cuckaroos. Women like to be boned, too. What's the hottest girl you've ever fucked? I've fucked a girl ten times hotter. All because I followed the ten easy steps for pussy crushing._"

"Why are you filming this?" Tex muttered to Tala.

"Research." she replied.

_"Step one. You have to wrap your head around the kind of prey that women are. While men are rational creatures, women are emotional--_"

With a frown, Junji stopped reading.

"What is this?" he asked.

"The thoughts of a man named Myler." Tala replied.

"Who is Myler? His world view is nonsense and I am upset." 

"It's a bit." Tex explained.

"I know it's a bit. I do not understand the bit."

Junji's mouth broke into a tiny pout. Tex was hit with a wave of confusion.

"Were there no guys like that in Japan?" asked Tex.

"There was a beaten dead horse of comedy regarding the differences between men and women." Junji replied. "But I've yet to hear something quite as nonsensical as--emotion versus logic."

"Think that's a pretty common mentality."

Junji's frown only deepened, so much so that Tex began to feel second-hand frustration even though he still had no idea what Junji was talking about.

"I cannot deal with anyone thinking this way." Junji said. "That these two things are a dichotomy."

"A dicho--" Tex stumbled. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"I must debate someone. Bring me to Myler."

"...You get any sleep since we got back?"

"No."

Tala cleared her throat. 

"It's almost ten." she said. "If Junji really wants to debate a pick-up artist, we could probably go to a club."

"No." Tex replied.

"I would like to go." Junji stated.

"No way. This is absurd. We ain't going out into town just so you can pick a fight."

Junji grabbed a blank sheet of paper from the printer and made his way over to the door. Tala followed.

"Fine. Don't listen." Tex snapped as they left. "I ain't coming."

"I would like it if you came." Junji replied.

"...I'll come."

There was a popular club about a ten minute walk from their building. They made it in five after taking Junji's suggestion to jog there.

"I'll go in first." Tala said as she opened the door. "I'll text you when I get negged."

Tex waited with Junji for about a minute before stepping inside. Tex did a quick scan of the room to get his bearings while the doorman checked his ID and accepted his counterfeit money.

Tex hadn't willingly been to a bar since he'd left Texas. Although he was in favor of meeting people, talking to people, and having sex with someone who wasn't his hand, the fact that most DJs found the need to raise the music volume and force people to talk louder just so that the music volume would inevitably need to be raised again in a never ending cycle of human failure always made Tex want to retreat deep into the forest and live his life as a carpenter ant. 

No one in the club was anywhere near Tex's age.

"You ever been to a club like this?" he asked Junji.

Junji squinted around the room. 

"Not that I recall." Junji replied.

"So no?"

"Not necessarily..."

Tex gave Junji a little glance of question, but Junji seemed to have moved on. Tex reached into his pocket when his phone buzzed.

** From Gamer Gril **   
i've been negged

** To Gamer Gril **   
it's been one second

** From Gamer Gril **   
we're in the VIP room. tell the guard you're with Kyle and come meet us

Tex handed his phone to Junji so that he could see the plan. When Junji nodded and gave the phone back, Tex craned his neck to spot the brightly lit VIP room in the back and to the right.

"After you." Tex said with a point and a grin.

"No."

"Fair enough."

Junji looked reluctant to be touched by so many people as Tex led him through the maze of gyrating people. When they passed the martini stand, Tex grabbed an olive on a toothpick and stuck it in his mouth.

A bouncer greeted them once they'd made it back to the to the VIP door. 

"Pass?" the bouncer asked Tex.

"We're with Kyle." Tex replied.

Tex was silent as the bouncer gave him and Junji a little once over. Finished with the olive, Tex began to chew the toothpick in his mouth.

"Kyle's got some interesting taste." the bouncer said as he opened the door.

Junji stepped in first, and Tex followed behind. The bouncer shut the door behind him.

The inside of the VIP room was all neon lights and mirrors. It was a small room, with just a long couch and a few squishy chairs. Tala sat on the couch along with four men in their mid to late twenties, each one with choppy bangs and skin as white as winter snow.

"Hey, guys!" Tala waved. "This is Kyle, Kyler, Tyler, and Tyle."

"What the fuck is this sausage fest, Tala?" asked Kyler. "You said they were chicks."

"Hello." Junji greeted. 

Tyler opened his mouth like he had something to say. However, instead of words, a passion-fruit scented vape cloud poured from his mouth.

"Dudes, I'm so wasted." said Kyle. "I don't care if these weird dudes watch. Let's just crush puss while it's available."

"Kyle's the one that rented out the room." Tala explained as she stroked his arm. "He makes a lot of money destroying iPhones on his YouTube channel."

Junji sat down in one of the squishy chairs. Tex took a seat in the one next to it. 

"I think I'm going to use the bathroom." Tala followed. 

Tala stood up and shut the door behind her. Except for the sounds of Kyler breathing through his mouth and Tyle snorting a line of Adderall off the table, the room was uncomfortably silent.

"Do, uh," Tex stammered, "do y'all wanna talk or something?"

Four pairs of eyes looked over at Tex and blinked. Tex realized that he had absolutely no idea how to lead the conversation into the topic of female versus male thought patterns.

"Yeah, I wanna talk." Kyle replied. "I wanna talk about how women are always, like, so fickle."

"Yeah." Tyle agreed. "One day you want to fuck them and the next day they don't want to fuck you back. What gives?"

"I think women, just like, just have feelings for no reason. And they just kinda go with them instead of like, using logic, you know?"

Tex was no longer worried about how to lead the conversation to the topic of female versus male thought patterns. 

"Yeah, it's just biology." said Tyler. "You gotta think about it from the hunter-gatherer perspective."

"What do you think logic is?" Junji asked calmly. 

Tyler's eyes went wide. He only replied to the question after he'd sucked in a large breath of deep offense.

"Uh, what do you mean, what do I think logic is?" he answered.

"Yeah, we know what logic is." Kyler added. "What do we look like, four idiots whose habit of snorting the gas in tennis ball canisters has destroyed ten percent of our brains?"

"You used the word in a way that indicated you didn't know the meaning." Junji replied.

"Logical reasoning," Kyle started, "as opposite to emotional reasoning--"

"How are these separate things in your mind?"

"Well, logic is like, mad smart. Used by honorary bros everywhere like Einstein, Isaac Newton, uh, that guy in the wheelchair--"

"Yeah." Tyle cut in. "And emotions are more like..."

Face set with thought, Tyle nodded to himself before concluding.

"When you feel stuff." he finished.

As Tyle continued to nod, all the other alphas followed his suit with expressions of deep understanding. 

"You are all imbeciles." Junji decided.

The door opened, letting some of the music seep in for a moment until Tala closed it. Upon reentering, Tala took a seat on the arm rest of Tex's chair.

"Woah, dude." Tyler stumbled. "Don't be such a fagtard. We got mad intelligence."

"Yeah, dude." Kyle replied. "Between the four of us, we could talk an entire comp-sci major of girls into giving us head."

"Strength in numbers." Tala whispered to Tex.

"Look, old dudes." Tyler said to Tex. "Our girl is back. You gonna let us smash some puss, or do we gotta...?"

Tex watched in amusement as Kyle, Kyler, Tyler, and Tyle all took a stand. 

"They have a collective penis length of seventeen inches." said Tala.

"Um, it's actually eighteen point three." Tyle replied.

"You'd think we're all slightly under average, but it's actually that three of us are massive while the last one's got a two incher." Kyler explained.

"Try to guess which one." 

Junji was about three inches shorter than the shortest of the alpha males, but he didn't seem particularly bothered. Tex felt it was best he leave his chair just in case Junji needed assistance.

"I will not stand down." Junji said.

"Alright, then." Kyle replied as he gave Junji a little shove. "How bout I--"

Before he could even yelp, Kyle was flat on his back. From the look on his face, it didn't look like Junji had hurt him too bad, although he seemed too shocked to get up.

"Fuck this, guys." said Tyler. "Asian dude knows Kung-fu." 

"Every man for himself!" Kyler announced.

Junji grabbed Tyler's arm and brought him down to the ground before he could run. Tex winced hard as Tala kicked Kyler in the balls.

With Kyle still on his back, Tyle was the only one who had a chance at reaching the door.

Tex easily tripped Tyle on his way. After wondering for a moment how to incapacitate him without hurting him, Tex took a seat on Tyle's stomach.

"Gay." Tyle coughed.

"Not Tyle!" Tala yelped. "He was the best one!"

_"Everything alright in there?"_ the bouncer called from the outside.

Tex grit his teeth. He'd forgotten about the bouncer.

"Yes!" Tala called back.

"Say yes." Junji said to the floor-bound men.

"Yes!" they yelled.

Tex didn't feel what he was doing was particularly ethical, although he had a hunch the feeling only implied that there was something wrong with his personal ethics.

"We'll sit back down." Kyler said as he cupped his injured ballsack.

"Yeah, just stop outmatching us physically." Kyle agreed.

After less than a minute of whining later, all four Yles had taken a seat back on the couch. In their trying time, they began to ration out their last few juul cartridges.

"I will ask you again." Junji started. "Explain to me the difference between logical and emotional reasoning."

The men shot a few glances at each other. After a few moments of uncertainty, Tyler opened his mouth.

"Alright." said Tyler. "Let's say that you ask your bro to spray some whipped cream on your nipples and lick it off. And of course you don't really want him too, but you don't want everybody to think you're gay, right?"

"So he calls your bluff and sprays your nipples down with whipped cream." Kyler added. "Now he doesn't really wanna lick it off, but he also knows it's the only socially acceptable way for two dudes to get physical contact, you know?"

"Long story short," Kyle continued, "your bro is licking your nipples and for reasons completely unrelated you just so happen to pop a fat bone dog. Now, the logical thing to do would be to tuck it and suppress the memory for the rest of your life."

"Versus the emotional thing, which would be to start uncontrollably humping your dude." Tyle finished.

Junji touched his chin.

"What makes that the logical thing to do?" he asked in a slow voice.

No one replied. Tex was forced to suppress the urge to raise his hand and ask to go to the bathroom.

"Emotions." Junji explained. "Are the result of a logical argument that you've already made within yourself. You see something that you logically perceive as sad. Therefore, you feel sad which encourages you to act in a way that is--theoretically constructive to the situation."

"No way." Tyler replied. "Chicks just like, have feelings for no reason sometimes."

"Nothing happens for no reason. That is--how can you even think that?"

Again, no one replied. With a sigh, Junji pulled a pen and a sheet of paper from his pocket and began to scribble on it. 

"I am creating...a chart that I...believe will help you understand." Junji muttered slowly as his pen moved. "Here, I've finished."

Junji held up the paper. It was a standard eight by eleven sheet of paper, so Tex could barely make out what Junji wanted him to see.

"Pass this around." Junji followed as he handed Tex the paper.

Tex took the paper. Before passing it on, he took a glance at it for himself.

"You get an erection." Junji started as Tex gave the image to the guys. "You do not want to keep it. You are with your friends. You don't want to be labeled as gay."

"Gay of sexual." Tala corrected.

"Gay of what?" asked Tex.

"It's politically correct."

"Therefore," Junji continued, paying them no mind, "it is an anxious situation. _Therefore_, you feel a rush of anxiety that inspires you to make the decision to tuck your prominent erection in your waistband."

By the time Junji got the paper back, it was covered in hot cheeto-dust fingerprints. 

"Yeah, but like, a man would come to that conclusion by thinking about it." said Tyler. "A woman would only hide her erection cause she got all stressy, bro."

"Stressy." Tex repeated in wonder.

"Whoa, you can't slander our dialect." Kyler scolded. "This is like our jive."

Junji's eyebrow twitched. 

"Having an emotion implies that you have assessed the situation and come to a conclusion logically." Junji replied. "Which is the only way humans can come to a conclusion."

Tyler said nothing. After a moment, he started to nod his head.

"Do you understand?" Junji pushed.

"No." Tyler breathed.

"I think I kinda get it." said Kyler.

"You do?" Tala asked.

"Yeah. But, like, that doesn't mean that men still don't seek out, like, more information about a situation before coming to a conclusion."

"Yes, you could still make the argument that it's worse logic." Junji replied.

"Oh, I get it."

"Very good."

Junji shoved the paper back in his pocket and motioned to the boys that they were free to go.

They didn't say goodbye as they left.

"Wait." said Tex.

"What?" Junji asked.

"Now I don't really feel like they learned anything."

"Why?"

"They still think that ladies are stupid."

"Oh. I was not as worried about that."

As they left the venue, Tex found himself replaying Junji's argument in his head. Something about it bothered him, although he wasn't sure what.

It was late by the time they got back to their neighborhood. So much so that Tex thought it best to go home. Tala was the only one not to follow him, opting instead to go to Best Buy for an ergonomic keyboard.

"See you when I see you, Tala." Tex said as she left.

"This was fun." Tala replied. "Let's do it again sometime."

Once Tala was gone, Junji broke out in a jog.

Tex followed. They were only a few blocks from their place of residence, so it couldn't be too bad. 

"Hey, uh," Tex breathed as they ran, "there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"What is it?" Junji replied.

"I've been thinking about all that you said, but I ain't sure that I agree."

"What is your quarrel?" 

"I get emotions that I know ain't rational all the time."

"Give me an example."

Tex bit the inside of his cheek as he thought. To his mild discomfort, the only example he could come up with was related to sex.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with it." Tex started. "But--"

Tex cut himself off with a sudden frown.

"And I ain't saying I have..." he followed.

"What are you talking about?"

"Hypothetically, if I had gay thoughts sometimes--"

"No, you are a good Catholic boy."

"I might feel a little guilty about them. Even though I don't really care."

Junji huffed out a tiny breath of intrigue.

"Why don't you care?" he asked.

"I dunno, I think it's horrible that so many of them got killed--"

"Car."

Tex nodded and quickened his pace. Junji always liked to run faster over cross streets to save the cars precious seconds.

"--and, you know," Tex continued, "they should be able to love each other--"

"Uhuh." Junji hummed.

"--and they got as much right as the rest of us to be raising kids."

"Uhuh."

"Though if it’s two men we should probably check them out first, but that goes without saying."

"...Uhuh."

They made their way down into the parking lot. Tex sucked it up and followed Junji to the staircase, where they continued to run.

"But you still feel guilt." Junji said.

"Yeah."

"Do you have any reason why?"

Tex ran a hand through the hair that hung over the back of his neck.

"Sometimes I wonder what my mama would think." answered Tex.

"Regardless of personal ideologies, wanting to retain a loving relationship with a mother is plenty rational."

"It ain't just that. I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me. But I still do."

"Then why do you?"

Tex winced.

"I mean, maybe I should care a little." he answered.

"Thank you. You have made my point."

Tex opened the door for Junji when they arrived at Junji's floor. As per usual, Tex walked Junji to his door.

"For some ancient samurai, relationships between members of the same sex were valued highly." Junji followed as he slid his key in the lock. "The reason I've heard for this is that they considered a bond between two people to be more meaningful if they were unable to produce new life from their love."

"That supposed to make me feel better?"

"No. I've just always thought that was very stupid."

Tex shook his head.

"You're a real pal, Junji." said Tex.

"Thank you." Junji said. "I never thought I'd meet someone in denial about being both queer and a homophobe." 

"Look, I ain't a--either of those things."

"I don't mean that to be condescending. It is like, finding a Leprechaun."

Tex wasn’t sure what Junji’s definition of homophobia was, and he doubted he would ever understand it.

“Hey, I ain’t said nothing about your lifestyle.” he replied.

“No, you haven’t. But you have about your…have about yours… ”

“Huh?”

Junji blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn't occur to me until months after I'd written this but the guys in this chapter weren't actually really what pick up artists are


	9. El Infierno

"What was it you said you wanted to bury again?" Tex asked.

"Don't worry about it." Junji replied.

Although Junji didn't have a dead body on him, the fact that they were retreating deep into the woods with shovels had Tex a tad on edge.

"How long's this gonna take?" Tex pushed. "I don't wanna be late for Bianca's meeting."

"Not long."

"Why don't you just tell me what we're doing?"

With a little sigh, Junji slung his bag off his shoulder and pulled out a large blue thermos with a yellow sticker on the lid. 

"That a bomb?" asked Tex.

Junji opened the top of the capsule to reveal the first of what was likely several stacks of gold coins sitting in clear plastic boxes. Tex breathed a tiny sigh of relief.

"You're a cute little wack-job, aren't you." Tex muttered.

Junji beamed.

"Come on." Tex followed with a jab of his thumb. "I know the perfect spot."

The spot Tex had in mind wasn't far. They stumbled upon the familiar patch of dirt and moss after just a minute of straying from the trail.

It took about six scoops for their shovels to hit metal. Tex wondered if he should think twice about giving away the location of his secret stash, but he trusted Junji too much to care. 

Tex uncovered just the top of the safe with his shovel. Dropping to his knees, he punched in the password to the numbered lock.

"Is that a gun safe?" asked Junji.

Tex opened the top of the gun safe and shined his phone's flashlight inside to reveal it was filled halfway to the top with pistol ammunition. 

"May I ask why?" Junji scoffed.

"Everybody thinks the government's gonna come for our guns. I say they're gonna come for our ammo."

"...Kijin."

Junji didn't seem like he approved, but he lowered his thermos of gold into the safe nonetheless. Tex closed the door and locked it. 

"Why don't we change the subject?" Tex asked as they started to pour and pat the dirt back over the safe. "How's it going with the--writing?"

"Good." Junji replied. "Ying says hello." 

"I, uh--hi." 

"I will relay the message back to her."

"You see her every week?"

"Yes. She's the only friend I was able to keep post my leave."

"Hmm."

Once they'd finished with the dirt, Tex rearranged some twigs and moss to make the ground look natural. 

He wasn't too worried about it. They were far enough out, and there was no one around.

"You ready?" asked Tex.

"Yes."

"Good. Let's get to that meeting."

After picking a bug from his hair, Tex took the lead back to the car. They'd gone off trail, but it was a nice enough day for Tex to enjoy the hike.

Tex had always liked nature walks. They'd been easier to come by when he hadn't lived in a city composed exclusively of apartment complexes and protest demonstrations.

"You seem to be in a good mood." Junji said.

"Don't see a reason not to be."

"Hmm. May I ask you something?"

"Anytime."

"How did you start this organization?"

Tex smiled to himself. He'd been waiting for Junji to ask.

"Kind of a long story." he replied.

"And we have a walk and a drive."

"Alright then, I'll tell you. I've known what tetragramming is for the past decade. Was never really a fan of the, uh, general concept."

Junji didn't look particularly surprised. He gestured with his hand for Tex to continue.

"After the war, I didn't really have nowhere to go, my home being destroyed and all that." Tex followed. "Barton let me come up to Seattle and live on her land for a while, least til she bullied me into supporting myself."

"I can imagine." Junji replied.

"Still, I weren't about to not commit massive tax fraud. So I started going to--um..."

"What?"

"...Libertarian conventions. That's where I met Sean."

"Was Sean in the right building?"

"I don't remember how tetragramming came up, but he told me about some weird alien discomfort radar he and a friend had found. After I saw it for myself and learned he wasn't full of shit, I decided I wasn't gonna sleep another night until I formed an organization."

"Hmm."

Tex wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but Junji's tone sounded strangely fond. When they got to the car, Tex got in and unlocked Junji's door.

"One thing kinda led to another at that point." Tex continued as he drove out of the parking lot and onto the road. "Tala moved up here from Olympia to help, and I formed a little community with some of the folks I'd met at the conventions. Didn't end up being too hard to find people invested in the cause."

"I will take your word for it."

"First year was kinda rough. We needed one more person for the adapter to work right, but most people didn't stick around too long. Eventually, this old nun from the town I grew up with gave me a call to make sure I was prepared for the rapture and I sure as hell didn't have nothing to lose, so I asked her--" 

Tex's eyes went wide with sudden realization.

"Are you alright?" Junji asked.

"Marta!"

"What."

"Oh, I forgot to visit Marta."

Junji stared.

"We're gonna go visit Marta." Tex followed as he did the one good thing he'd ever learned from city life: the illegal U turn.

Due to intense anxiety, Tex failed to answer any of Junji's many questions until they'd parked at Forest West Nursing Home. 

"Tala." Tex said into his phone as they jogged up to the front door. "Junji and me are gonna be a little late."

"Please tell me something." Junji begged once Tex had put his phone back in his pocket.

After giving his temples a quick rub, Tex let out a deep breath in an attempt to collect himself.

"Alright." he replied. "Alright. Marta was a nun at the church I used to go to. When I was seven, she was ninety-one."

"How old are you now?"

"Thirty eight."

"...And she is still alive?"

"I've seen Marta make it through bone cancer, a car accident, and seventeen bash-wounds to the head. At this point, I ain't sure she can die."

They got to the entrance set of glass doors. Tex held the left one open for Junji. 

"Funny thing is, though." Tex followed as they walked inside. "She never seemed to like being alive all that much." 

Junji looked like he might have said something in response, but he shut his mouth upon spotting the reception desk just a few feet in front of them.

The receptionist barely looked up as they walked over.

"Who are you visiting?" she asked the two of them.

"Marta Santos." Tex replied.

"Oh, she gets a lot of visitors. Please make sure to clean up after yourself."

Tex was handed a sheet that requested his name, phone number, and relationship to Marta. After he'd traded it with the receptionist for a slip of paper with Marta's room number, Tex realized he'd been so frazzled he'd forgotten to lie.

"That way, just passed the bathrooms." the receptionist instructed.

The halls didn't seem to be particularly well-staffed, although Tex supposed he wasn't about to try and work in a nursing home.

"You did not tell me Marta was in prison." Junji muttered as they made their way to Marta's room.

"This is an old folks home." Tex whispered back.

"A what?"

Marta's door didn't end up being too hard to find, mostly because of the collection of adults that were conversing with each other at a table outside her door. They seemed to be holding a book club for one of Marta's books. Although instead of reading the book, they were tearing out the pages one by one and placing them into a paper shredder. 

A little sign on the table indicated the name of the event was _Final Days_. The door to Marta's room was open, and Tex could just barely make out a small cot with someone lying inside.

"Let's pick up the pace." Tex said to Junji as they walked past.

"Who are these people?"

"Marta was a little controversial."

Well aware of the many sets of eyes on him, Tex quickly pulled Junji into Marta's room and shut the door behind them.

The room was small, only about the size of a clinic's check-up room. Marta was lying on her back in a white cot, covered in blankets. All Tex could see was her face, which was as skeleton-like as he'd remembered.

Her eyes fluttered open as Tex made his way over.

"Oh, hello, Tex." she greeted.

"Howdy." Tex replied. "How's it going."

"I want to die." 

"Want me to pull a plug?"

Marta sighed. 

"No." she replied.

"Sounds good. I want you to meet someone."

"Who?"

"This is the guy we found to take over for you while you're in here."

Junji waved. After turning her neck with a grunt, Marta squinted her eyes in Junji's direction.

"Did you replace me with a Jap?" asked Marta.

"Welp." Tex said as he turned to leave. "It was nice seeing you Marta, but--"

"What is a Jap?" Junji wondered.

"Uh--"

A few snorts and a dry chuckle from Junji told Tex that he'd been had.

"Goddamn it." Tex said as Junji wheezed. 

"Who's there?" Marta asked.

Junji took a few steps forward until he was next to Marta. Marta turned her head towards him and pushed her glasses up to her face with a withered, shaking hand.

"Hello." Junji greeted. 

Just a second after her gaze had focused on Junji's face, Marta's eyes turned as wide as saucers.

_"Sagrado!"_ she shouted. _"Hombre sagrado!" _

As soon as the words had left her mouth, Marta went limp.

Tex gave her a tiny poke. When she didn't respond to it in the slightest, Tex grabbed her arm and checked her pulse.

"She's dead." Tex realized.

"...We should tell someone."

All Tex could do was stare at Marta's dead face. Up until that moment, he'd thought Marta might have been able to outlive him.

Thankfully, he didn't feel too sad. The death had felt more like euthanasia to him than anything else. 

"What did she say to me?" Junji asked. "When she died."

"Uh, holy man."

Marta's eyes were closed, but Tex still felt like they were watching him.

"We will tell reception." Junji said with a hand on Tex's shoulder.

"Good idea."

The book club was still present as they left the room. Tex did his best not to make eye contact with anyone, but a man with brown hair and a _don't piss me off, I'm close to leveling up and you look like just enough XP_ shirt stopped him before they could make their escape.

"What were you doing in there?" the man in the horrible shirt asked Tex.

"Visiting." Tex replied. "Can you do me a favor?"

"What's that?"

"Would all y'all mind taking this somewhere else?"

The man in the shirt blinked.

"I would mind." he replied. "We've been doing this every Wednesday afternoon for the last three years."

"She just died." 

"Did you kill her?"

As he spoke, excitement twisted on the man's face. Tex's jaw nearly dropped.

"No." answered Tex. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean, what's wrong with me?"

"Morgue people are probably gonna be storming in here in a minute, so you should get out of the way. And she's dead. You don't gotta hate her no more."

The man in the shirt set his face in a way that let Tex know he'd struck a nerve. After taking a step closer, he waved a page of Marta's book in Tex's face.

"So do you also think we should offer albino children as a blood sacrifice, or were you just a devout family friend?" the man asked.

Had Tex been in a better mood, he might have assumed the man's opinion had been formed from anything other than arrogance and cyanide. 

"She believed in hell." Tex replied. "Did you never learn math? Heaven minus a couple of pale kids is a hell of a lot better than--hell."

The man seemed taken aback by Tex's response. After a few moments of uncertainty, he bit his tongue and spat at Tex's face.

It took Tex less than a second to register what happened. He twisted his mouth into a snarl and lunged forward, his left arm making a grab for the man's collar and his right hand balling itself up into a fist.

Tex never made contact. Swiftly, two hands wrapped around him from behind and twisted into a grab that left him unable to move his upper body. Tex tried to turn his head to view Junji better, but found himself hit with a sudden wave of sleepiness as Junji's fingers began to press lightly against his solar plexus.

"We will be leaving now." Junji said calmly as he began to drag Tex backwards down the hall.

Tex's eyesight was too blurry to make out how the man who'd spat on him had reacted. He could tell that he'd attracted a lot of attention from the book club goers, but he was unsure what to do with the information as Junji's hand continued to press on his chest, all the way until they'd gotten to the men's bathroom.

Junji was silent as he maneuvered the both of them inside the bathroom. It was for a single occupant, and Junji locked the door behind them after freeing Tex from his grasp.

Tex felt a sudden chill as Junji's arms left him. Not wanting to sit on the toilet, he took a seat on the sink counter. Junji hoisted himself up and joined him.

"Are you alright?" Junji asked as he pulled a paper towel out of the dispenser and dampened it on the faucet between the two of them.

Tex frowned. His anger had quickly burned out, leaving him with nothing but a feeling of sadness and a sinking sense of shame. 

Twice now Junji had stopped Tex before he could retaliate, and Tex had no reason to believe it wouldn't become a pattern. Tex knew in his heart that it was a good thing, both for his own peace of mind and his criminal record.

"I'm sorry." he muttered.

Junji used a finger to turn Tex's face towards him. Tex was still and kept his eyes shut as Junji wiped the spit from his cheek with cold water and cleaned his glasses.

It was a surprisingly kind gesture, and completely foreign to Tex for it to come from another man.

"I understand." Junji replied.

To Tex's deep relief, Junji sounded like he meant it. He finished cleaning the saliva from Tex's face in less than a minute, but he stayed seated next to him for another five.

"Can we stay here?" Tex pleaded.

"We can't stay forever." Junji replied. "We should leave."

"I don't wanna."

"What are you afraid of?"

"What if he's still there?"

"I will check."

Junji hopped down from his space on the counter and disappeared out the door. The second he'd left, Tex began to feel the first strong hints of loneliness.

They didn't last long. Junji was back in less than thirty seconds.

"Most everyone is gone." said Junji. "And we don't have to go that way to leave."

Tex slid off the counter and landed on reluctant feet. He let Junji lead them outside and tried not to make it look like he was hiding behind him.

"We take this to our graves, alright?" Tex muttered.

"Take what to our graves?"

"Uh, never mind." 

The walk wasn't far. Tex grew more confident the closer they got to the front doors.

"Marta's dead." Tex said to the receptionist as they left.

"Marta's _what?"_ she replied.

Although Tex was morally opposed to speeding, his desire to not be any later than he had to be to the meeting had him looking for ways to cut time as they drove back. Just once, Tex decided to park his car in front of his apartment building. The only spot open within a five minute walk was next to a thirty minute load and unload sign.

It would probably be fine.

They jogged just a bit faster than they usually did to the building. Tex was out of breath by the time they'd arrived.

Still panting, Tex opened the door of Bianca's office to see Sean, Tala, Luke, Caverly, and a platter of smoked salmon. 

Junji went straight for the salmon.

"Is Bianca here?" Tex asked Tala after he'd gotten himself a cup of wine.

"She's in the bathroom." Tala answered.

Tala's tone seemed uncharacteristically judgmental. Tex raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

"What?" he asked.

"You know she's married, right?"

Tex downed his cup in one gulp.

"I know, I know." he replied.

"Why do you like her so much, anyway?" 

"I'm half Mexican, she's half Mexican. We have a kid and that's one full Mexican."

Instead of laughing at the hilarious joke that Tex had thought of fourteen months prior and been waiting for an opportunity to tell, Tala shot Tex a look.

"What?" Tex followed.

"I think you need to get a girlfriend."

"I'm almost forty. Everybody good got taken." 

The sound of the door opening and closing rang out as Bianca entered the room. She went straight for Luke and Caverly. Tex turned his attention to the snack table, where Junji was talking to Sean.

"You are a farmer?" Junji asked Sean.

"Yeah, man." Sean replied. "Grandfather left me a potato farm and all that."

Sean was wearing a snapback hat with the caption . He hadn't been wearing it when Tex had first come in.

"And you...properly care for it?" Junji pushed.

"Yup. Pray to the sun gods every night."

Junji didn't look convinced, although any skepticism he was planning on voicing was interrupted by the sound of both Luke and Caverly clearing their throats from the center of the room.

"Could we have everyone's attention please?" asked Caverly.

It didn't take long for the chattering to die down. Everyone turned towards Luke and Caverly.

"We have an announcement to make." Luke said as he gestured to Caverly.

"Are you pregnant?" Tala asked with excitement.

"No." 

"Did you grow a second penis?" Sean pushed.

"N--"

"Did you get a penis removed?" Tala wondered.

"Did you switch genitals?"

"Did you switch everything but your genitals?"

"Bianca," Caverly interrupted, "is moving us into separate rooms at the end of the month."

Tex couldn't believe what he was hearing. Luke and Caverly had undergone their share of troubles, but he hadn't taken them for a couple that would give up so easily.

"You got divorced!?" he yelped.

Luke and Caverly both chuckled. As did Junji and Tala, although they covered their mouths.

"No." Caverly replied. "We're just moving into separate rooms."

"For the last couple weeks, we've been taking turns spending the night at our friends' houses." Luke explained. "And it's been going really well."

Tex was very confused.

"Why did you--" he stuttered. "How did you--"

"Junji was actually the one who made the suggestion." said Caverly.

Junji didn't seem particularly comfortable when everyone turned to him and stared. 

"Are you two still gonna see each other?" Tex asked Caverly.

"Yeah, of course." she answered.

Tex frowned. 

"I have a question for Junji." Bianca said with a little smile.

"What is it?" Junji replied. 

"How do you feel about open marriages?" 

As she spoke, Bianca raised her eyebrows at the words 'you' and 'open'. Tex spat out half a sip of wine.

"I am very much in favor." Junji announced.

"...Course you are." Tex muttered. 

Junji shot Tex a tiny glance. Tex wasn't quite sure how to read it, but it seemed to be somewhere between puzzled and hurt.

"Sex is a pleasurable activity, not just for ourselves, but for everyone involved." Junji said to Tex. "Is it not ethical for us to pursue collective pleasure?"

Everyone let out a little 'oooh'.

"Yo, this funky mob boss is woke as fuck!" said Sean.

"Thank you, Sean." Junji replied with a tiny bow.

"You sound like you have more on this subject." Bianca noted.

"I always have more."

"Would you like to do a presentation?"

Junji stole a glance at the presentation board. It was clear from his expression that he was itching to give one.

"I would not be opposed..." he answered.

"Great!" Tala replied. "I'll get the pens."

While Tala got the pens, everyone arranged themselves in a little half circle around the board. Tex poured himself another cup of wine out of sheer disbelief.

Tala handed Junji a black felt tip marker. Tex stood next to Caverly as he watched Junji draw a crude doodle of Earth and label it _Planet of Prudes_.

"This is Earth." Junji explained.

"Where we live!" Sean replied.

"It is home to many animals, including a species of apes with poor judgement on everything."

"Ha, he's talking about us."

Luke reached down and began to untie his shoe. When he'd finished, he stripped off his sock and threw it at Sean's face.

"This ape species was given the ability to experience euphoria in the form of an orgasm, that potentially can be performed risk free with a few simple steps." Junji said as Sean took off his own shoe and slipped on Luke's sock over his own. "However, a great number of them choose to follow the frivolous idea that sex is something that should only be enjoyed between lovers."

"Well, yeah, but..." Tex cut in.

"What?" Junji replied.

"Sex is intimate."

"But should intimacy only be enjoyed by lovers?"

Tex had no idea where Junji was going. All he knew was that he didn't like it.

"Before I pitch my idea," Junji continued. "I would like to go over the rules of the argument format I'll be using. Is anyone opposed to this?"

Tala raised her hand.

"Tala? Are you opposed?" asked Junji.

"Oh, I was just stretching." she replied.

Junji's face twisted in confusion for just a half second before he turned back to the board.

"I'm sure some of you have heard this before." Junji said as he wrote. "If A, then B. A. Therefore, B."

Once he was finished, Junji stepped away from the board so everyone could get a good look.

_1\. A->B_

_2\. A_

_∴ B_

"What's the triangle thing on the bottom?" asked Caverly.

"It's the same thing." Junji answered. "Just a more programmer-friendly way of representing it."

Junji pointed to the first thing he'd written on the board, the numbered list.

"This is called Modus Ponens." he explained. "A very common argument form. Any argument in this form is inherently valid."

Luke raised his hand.

"What if I said something like, uh," Luke stumbled, "'If Jesus flies down from heaven and sucks my dick'--"

"I would pay to see that." Caverly whispered to Tex.

"--'Jesus is gay. Jesus flew down from heaven and sucked my dick, so Jesus is gay'?"

"Then you would be a very rational moron." Junji replied.

"Jesus could be bi..." Tala trailed off.

"Although every argument in this form is logically derived, that does not make every argument true. An argument is only as truthful as its premises."

Junji pointed to lines one and two.

"However." he continued. "I have an argument to present today that I believe to be as sound as any argument can be."

After clearing his throat, Junji reached for the pen once again.

"If an action brings about more pleasure than is taken away by said action, that action is inherently justified."

Tex watched as Junji scribbled 'if an action results in net positive pleasure, that action is inherently justified' on the board.

"Can anyone disagree with that?"

After a moment of silence, everyone began to murmur at different times that they couldn't. As much as he desperately wanted to prove Junji wrong, Tex also could think of nothing.

"Continuing on. Sex is an action. Which means that if a sex has a net positive affect on society, said sex is inherently justified. For the purpose of this argument, we will phrase it like..."

Under the triangle, Junji wrote 'if a sex brings about more consensual pleasure than nonconsensual discomfort, it is inherently justified'.

"Now. Using the Modus Ponens argument form--"

Junji cut himself off when Sean raised his hand.

"Would this make incest ethical?" asked Sean.

Tex looked over to Sean to see that he was now wearing two hats captioned with , stacked on each other in a neat fashion. Tex looked over to Tala to see that she was wearing one hat that was captioned with .

Tex stopped looking around.

"The danger of incest is the potential creation of a genetically monstrous, and by extension, unhappy child." Junji answered. "So this falls under an outcome of net discomfort."

"What about gay incest, then?" Sean pushed.

"Gay incest is fine."

Although Tex still couldn't see anything wrong with Junji's initial argument, he did manage to dig up something that was bothering him.

"I don't think anybody really disagrees with you." Tex said.

"Hmm?" Junji replied.

"People who are against debauchery agree with you. They just reckon casual screwing is gonna have a bad impact."

Junji turned towards the board and scratched his head in silence. A moment later, he brought the pen back up to the board and added a 'if specifically I believe that' to the front of 'a sex brings about more consensual pleasure than nonconsensual discomfort, it is inherently justified'.

"Seems like a good rule." said Caverly.

"Really?" Tex replied. "It seems like a good rule to let this guy you just met make your decisions for you?"

"Now, as we all know," Junji continued, "if something is ethical in small doses, it is also ethical in large. So I conclude that it's within our best interest to consider that sex is something that could be enjoyed by friends." 

"Bars." Sean replied.

Junji's presentation wrapped up after a round of applause. Junji gave a tiny bow and left the remains of his presentation of the board before returning to the smoked salmon.

The group quickly dispersed back into several sub conversations. Tex caught up with Junji at the snack table.

"What did you tell them?" he hissed to Junji.

"Tell who?"

"Luke and Caverly. How could you tell them to get separate rooms?"

"Most of their problems seemed related to them being roommates. I suggested they no longer be roommates."

Tex frowned.

"It is common knowledge that close friendships often suffer when friends attempt to live together." Junji explained. "Why would it be any different with lovers?"

"You some kinda marriage councilor now?"

"Not really. This is actually my only piece of advice for married couples."

With a shake of his head and another sip of wine, Tex realized he didn't have any more to say. Desperate to think about something else, he turned his attention to Sean, who was now wearing three hats captioned with .

Tex looked over to Tala to see that she was wearing two hats captioned with . Cautiously, Tex reached on top of his head to find a hat.

It was captioned .

"The hell?" he asked.

Tex was still in a bad, weird mood by the time the meeting had drawn to a close. After remembering that he'd parked his car on the street, he made his way outside the building. 

The thought of driving five minutes so that he could walk ten minutes wasn't great, but it was nothing compared to the realization that his car wasn't there anymore.

Tex ran back inside the meeting room, desperate for someone who could help him deal with what was sure to be the worst thing he'd ever experienced in his entire life. Everyone had left but Bianca, who was putting the cheese back in the fridge. Tex tried not to be overly frantic as he ran up to her and began to shake her by the shoulders.

"Please." Tex begged.

"Hwat?" she replied.

"I lost my car."

"Did you drop it?"

"I got towed."

"...Oh."

"I'm gonna die."

"You're not going to die."

Tex was going to die. He let himself go numb and compliant as Bianca sat him down on the empty snack table. 

"Have you called the towing place yet?" Bianca asked.

As she spoke, Bianca rubbed her hand over Tex's shoulder. Tex instantly forgot why he'd been so worked up.

"I don't know where it got taken." he answered.

"That's fine. You just have to call the police department, and then I can give you a ride."

"Jesus Christ. Thank you."

It was about eight in the afternoon when Tex called the police department, who redirected him to another police department, who redirected him to a private towing company, who redirected him to the first police department, who redirected him to another towing company who said they maybe might have his car. When he finally got off the phone at one in the morning, Tex nudged Bianca's foot until she woke up.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Sure." she yawned.

As they walked outside, Tex resisted the urge to thank Bianca a million times more.

"I'm sorry this happened to you." she said.

"Don't be. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're helping me out."

"Hmm."

"No, really. If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know."

The night air was cold on Tex's face. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and hoped Bianca's car wasn't too far away.

"Well, there is something I'm curious about." Bianca said.

"What's that?" asked Tex.

"How's the business going?"

"...Which one?"

"The robot mercy killing one."

"Oh. It's going alright."

"How's Junji working out?"

"Working out great. Though he's kind of a nut case."

"How so?"

"You ain't met him?" 

Tex wasn't sure why, but he was hit with the sudden suspicion that he could have asked his question in fewer syllables.

He shook the thought from his head.

"He doesn't seem so weird to me." said Bianca.

"I dunno. He's got, like, aspergers or communism or something." 

"You don't like him?"

"No, he's great."

Bianca let out a tiny hum of amusement. Tex found himself searching for more things to say, wanting to avoid any hint of awkwardness.

"This one's mine." Bianca said as she pointed to a car with a strange hood ornament.

The hood ornament was more colorful than most of the ones Tex had seen. As they got closer, he saw that it was a figure of a cartoon teenage-girl with comically long blue pigtails.

Tex thought nothing of it in the slightest. He was silent as Bianca got in the car and unlocked the door for him.

The inside of Bianca's car was a little messy, although only because of the dozens of graphic novels and memorabilia from television shows Tex didn't recognize that were scattered astray. Tex lifted a key chain and read the back to see that it was for a show called Full Metal Alchemist, and from the features of the characters pictured, he was able to distantly recognize it as Japanimation.

It seemed to be a common theme with all the other books and trinkets.

"Oh, Dan got that for me." Bianca said as Tex put the keychain down. "At a--convention."

"Huh." Tex replied. "You know, I've never seen any of them Japanese shows. Where they got the big eyes and all that."

"Really?"

"Wait, I've seen one. I saw the movie with the big rabbit thing."

"My Neighbor Totoro?"

"Yeah, that. Did you like that one?"

"Miyazaki's kinda normie, but he's alright."

Tex coughed.

"I'm surprised Junji hasn't shown you anything more interesting." Bianca followed.

"Not really. Why you so interested in him, anyway?"

"I'm interested in his culture."

"Ah."

Bianca had always been interested in learning more about culture, whether it was one she was a part of or not. Tex wasn't shy to admit he found it one of the many indicators of her class.

Silence fell over the two of them as Bianca started her car and backed out of her spot, but Tex didn't mind.

"Is everything alright?" she asked once they'd gotten on the main road.

"Why do you ask?"

"Seems like something's on your mind."

"I don't wanna trouble you."

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to be troubled."

Tex bit his thumb and let out a helpless snicker. There were half a dozen things bothering him, although he forced himself to only pick one.

He ended up going with the fight he'd almost gotten into at the nursing home. Bianca kept her attention on traffic as Tex cited the story, although he could tell from her expression that she was listening.

"Sounds a little ironic." she said once he'd finished.

"Ironic?" Tex asked.

"You can empathize with Marta because you can imagine what it might be like to believe in hell. But you can't empathize with someone who can't empathize with her."

"Might of if he hadn't spit in my face."

"Spitting does not encourage empathy. Then again, neither does punching."

"Calm down, ma."

They got to the towing place in less than twenty minutes. Talking to Bianca along the way was nice enough, although Tex couldn't help but feel a little confused as to why most of her knowledge seemed to be about cartoons.

Tex braced himself for the worse as he walked up to the towing company's front desk.

Although Tex was able to prove he was the owner of the car to the employees, he was unable to present his registration information, as it was inside his car. Thankfully, he was able to avoid both the problem and an eternal cycle of paperwork with the help of two men named Benjamin Franklin on top of the three hundred dollars he already owed.

"I think I just got conned." Tex told Bianca as they went down to collect his car.

Tex's key didn't work on his car for some reason, so he was forced to hot-wire it. He gave Bianca a ride to her car and thanked her again before he left. As he drove back to his spot at the office, he did his best to collect himself and not think too hard about how he wasn't sure he was in the same car he'd started with.

When Tex got back to his apartment, he had fifteen missed calls from Forest West Nursing Home.


	10. The Republic of Cans

"My back hurts." Tala announced.

Tex turned his attention to the stream of coffee that poured into his cup and got ready to keep it there for a while.

"Tex, come rub my back." Tala followed.

"No." Tex replied.

"Why not?"

"You always make it weird."

"I won't make it weird this time."

"Rub your own back."

"I promise I won't make it weird."

With a little groan of defeat, Tex took his finished cup of coffee over to the table and placed it next to Tala. Tala leaned forward in her chair to give Tex better access to her back.

"Ahhh! Ohhh!" Tala started to moan as soon as Tex's hands had touched her back.

"I'm done."

"What'd I do? What'd I do?"

"You're not gonna rub her back?" Barton asked from behind her paper. "Rude."

"Don't help her." Tex replied with a jab of his finger.

The door to the office clicked closed as Junji returned from the bathroom.

"Junji." Tala ordered before he could sit down. "Rub my back."

Tex instinctually stepped out of the way as Junji walked over. Before Tex could decide whether or not to talk Junji out of it, Junji had placed both hands on Tala's shoulders.

"Thank you." followed Tala.

"How come you don't get all weird when he does it?" Tex asked.

Tala didn't answer.

Junji pulled Tala up by the shoulders, elevating her body a few inches in her chair and causing her back to crack in about seventeen different ways.

"Hey, you're good at this." said Tala.

"Sounded like Chicago after nine pm." Barton replied. "Can you do it to me?"

Junji walked over to Barton's chair and lifted her body in a similar fashion. The sound of Barton's back cracking was about twice as loud as Tala's had been.

"Damn, that felt good." Barton said once he'd finished. "I'll make sure to fuck up my back for tomorrow so you can do it again."

_ "Ugh. _" Tex groaned.

After shooting a glance at Tex, Tala looked back down at her laptop screen with eyes of silent judgement.

"What?" asked Tex.

"You sound stressed." Tala replied. "Maybe someone should look at your back."

"Great, let's all just touch each other."

No one replied. Tala continued to stare at her computer screen with a _ I'm not going to say anything _ look on her face.

"Damn it." Tex followed, wanting to break the silence. "Why are we here, anyway?"

"Because you called a meeting." answered Barton.

"Oh, I did do that."

"Why did you call a meeting?" Tala asked. "You never told us."

It was only because he couldn't think of a lie that Tex decided to tell the truth.

"I'm bored." he replied.

Tex looked down when Tala and Barton turned towards him with looks of disbelief.

"Really? That's it?" asked Tala.

"And during breakfast, too." Barton added. "I'm having to eat my glass of scotch and Cuban cigar in the meeting room."

"Look, I'm sorry." Tex replied. "It's been five days since Portland and pork and potatoes just don't taste the same when I ain't earned them."

"So what? What are we supposed to do about it?"

Junji cleared his throat.

"May I see the Pain Finder Thing?" he asked.

Tala shrugged and pulled the box from her bag. Junji took it when it was handed to him.

"Thank you." said Junji.

"What are you doing?" Barton asked.

"If no one is tetragramming, why don't we find the next worst thing? Here, there's a dark red dot in Los Angeles."

"Oh, that's just Jake Paul's house." Tex replied.

"How about this one? In Colorado?"

Tex followed Junji's finger to see a small red dot, about the size of a KFC slaughterhouse and a stubbed toe. Junji pinched the screen until it brought up an address.

"One three three seven one West Alameda Parkway, Lakewood Colorado." Tala read over his shoulder. "I'll look it up."

Tala pulled up an address on Google Earth. Tex examined it to see a small white building with the Staff of Hermes painted on the side. 

"What's it called?" he asked.

"Uh, Saint Anthony's Clinic and Hospital." answered Tala.

"I know that hospital." Barton said. "It's a private hospital."

"Guess that explains why it's so small." Tex replied.

Nothing seemed particularly suspicious about the clinic. It was clean and modern and Tex could see a few other businesses poking in from the sides.

"How are the reviews?" asked Tex.

Tala clicked around to find that the clinic had an average rating of four out of five stars.

"That's pretty good." Barton muttered.

Tex took another look at the Pain Finder Thing to see that the red dot hadn't changed size at all. He knew they should probably monitor it for longer, but he was feeling impatient.

"Guess we're going to Colorado." Tex said with a snap of his fingers. "That alright with everybody?"

It did end up being alright with everyone, considering Colorado wasn't a big commitment and the cost of the train ride was easily covered by the money they'd made pawning the silver plates from the Portland salmon platter. Tex found himself at the train station in minutes.

Even though he wasn't planning on killing anyone, he still brought his gun. 

After the train departed, it was only about a ten minute ride to Colorado and a fifteen minute bus ride to Lakewood. Tex sat next to Tala while she silently read from her phone with eyes of excitement.

"Whatcha reading?" Tex asked as he pinged the bus for their stop.

"One Direction breaking and entering X Reader." she replied.

"Uh, alright."

The hospital was only a three minute walk away once they'd gotten off the bus.

The first thing Tex noticed was the long driveway, lined with trees and tidy green bushes. It led into a small parking lot and stopped with a couple of bollard poles to keep cars away from the smooth walkway up the building. On the far side of the building was the start of a foresty-looking park, and a few tree branches touched the roof.

Tex quickly noted that the building didn't look any more suspicious in person. Still, he was cautious as he followed Tala to the front door.

The door was made of glass, which allowed Tex to look inside. All he could see was an unattended desk covered in semi-organized files and a tiny flag pole that held up the Antederate flag.

"Ain't seen one of them in a while." Tex muttered to Barton.

Tala pushed the front door open and jingled a little bell attached to the inside in the process.

_ "Just a minute!" _ a man's voice called from an unseen room.

Tex stepped inside after Tala.

"What's our cover?" Tex asked everyone, barely above a mumble.

"Huh, what?" Barton replied.

Having given up, Tex turned his attention to a large bookshelf on the right side of the room. He found it was filled with a wide variety of novels, including Harry Potter, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Catcher in the Rye, and If Democrats had Brains They'd Be Republicans.

Tex wondered what kind of people they were.

"Hello!" the same voice greeted.

A moment later, three men stepped into view. Tex unconsciously held his breath as he got a good look at them.

The three of them had different faces, as different people tended to have, but they were all equipped with the same square head shape and a jaw so warped with testosterone that their faces barely had room for their mouths. Their builds were strong and stocky, and the extra weight they carried was clearly the result of a meat-heavy diet, rather than a lack of exercise.

The man in front was wearing an olive green newsboy cap.

"Hello." said Tala.

"I'm Kenny." the man in the hat greeted. "It's good to meet you."

Kenny stepped forward with his hand out. Tex met his hand in the middle for a satisfyingly firm hand shake. Kenny then moved seamlessly onto Tala and Barton, but faltered for a moment when Junji bowed slightly into the handshake.

All three of the mystery men's faces lit up with excitement.

"I'm Miguel." the next man said with a smile. "And he's--"

"I'm Roger."

Miguel and Roger gave their round of greetings, with both of them choosing to bow back to Junji. Kenny then introduced himself again, just so that he could also bow to Junji.

"What can we help you with?" Kenny asked.

Miguel and Roger waved when Tex looked over.

"We're, uh, journalists." said Tala. "For the--"

"Wall Street." Barton cut in.

"Oh, we love Wall Street." Roger replied.

_ "We're _ journalists." Tex said as he pointed to himself and Tala before gesturing to Barton and Junji. "She's our photographer and he's our--translator."

Barton took out her phone and snapped a photo of the ground.

"Can we get you anything to eat?" Kenny asked. "Or drink? I got some barbecue earlier from my lunch break and I have some ribs in the fridge that I was gonna give to my wife but if you want them I can always get more before I get home."

"That's alright." answered Tex. "We're--"

"Not supposed to take food." Tala interrupted. "For ethics reasons."

"Really?" Kenny wondered. "What ethics reason is that?"

"It's considered a form of bribery."

Kenny's eyebrows shot straight up as his smile dropped from his face. Miguel and Roger exchanged a glance of shock.

"You could write about how we're the worst people to've lived and we wouldn't regret having made sure you were fed." said Kenny. "Any man who wouldn't is one I wouldn't want to meet."

"Oh--"

"But I understand if rules is rules. Sorry, I just got a little shook up there for a second. I guessing you wanna get started, then?"

"That'd be nice."

"I'll give you the rundown."

While Kenny picked up a clipboard from the front desk and set it back down, Tex found himself intimidated by how happy Miguel and Roger seemed to be to meet them.

"So I'm in charge, and they're our nurse practitioners." Kenny explained, gesturing first to himself and then to Miguel and Roger. "Noah was supposed to be manning reception but he's still on his way from helping some old lady push her car to the gas station."

"You don't got any surgeons?" Tex asked.

"We hire privately contracting surgeons and physicians when we need to. But all our patients are currently in constant states, so lately, we've just been needing to make sure they get fed and stuff."

Tala nudged Tex's shoulder. Tex quickly pulled out a pen and an old cupcake wrapper from his pocket and pretended to write Kenny's words down while Kenny began to walk towards the door he'd originally appeared from.

When he arrived, he opened it to reveal a room that was mostly out of Tex's view.

"This here..." Kenny said as he motioned for them to follow, "is the ward."

"Can we go in?" asked Tala.

"Yeah, you won't catch anything."

"And everyone's usually dying for company." Miguel added.

Tex walked into the room after Tala and before Barton. The room was small and warmly lit, so it was easy to look around.

Three cots were spaced out between pieces of cloth that hung from the ceiling and looked like they could be pulled out into dividers. On the bed in the middle, a young boy and girl who both looked to be about seven years old, sat playing Mario Kart on a projector screen against the other wall.

The second Tex had come into view, both children stopped playing and ran over to him and Tala, and then over to Junji and Barton when they'd entered.

"This is Emily and Carson." Kenny explained as Miguel and Roger joined them.

"Hello." Emily and Carson both greeted, about a second out of sync from each other.

The children both had blank expressions on their faces. They didn't look happy, but they didn't seem to be in horrible pain.

"Hi." Tex replied.

"We have cancer." Emily replied.

"...Oh."

"The doctors say that it's curable but they don't know for sure."

Tex might have replied, had he not noticed out of the corner of his eye that the third cot wasn't empty like he'd first assumed it was. It was hard to tell because of all the blanket lumps, but Tex could make out a woman's face at the top of the cot.

"That's Dana." said Kenny. "She's been in a coma for about a year."

"Will she ever come out?" Tala asked.

"Probably not. She scored pretty low on the Glasgow."

Tex knew what he needed to ask, although he wasn't sure how to phrase the question without coming across as offensive.

"I'd want my head blown off if that were me." Barton said before Tex could open his mouth. "Why haven't you pulled the plug?"

Along with Roger and Miguel, Kenny let out a happy chuckle.

"Well," Kenny started, "the thing is..."

He trailed off as a jingle rang out. Tex managed to recognize the sound as the bell inside the front door to the building.

Roger stepped out of the room. Tex could hear a few greetings start to get swapped, although not clearly enough to make out any words.

A moment later, Roger popped back into view.

"Dana's parents are here." he said.

Kenny winced. When Roger walked back into the ward, he was followed by two new people.

They were a man and a woman, both in their late forties or early fifties and clearly married. The man was dressed in khaki pants and a sweater vest, while the woman wore a blouse and a floor length skirt.

The wife was holding a book. Tex recognized it as _ My Body My Blood _, but only because he remembered Marta writing it.

Barton made a face of disgust.

"Hello!" the husband greeted.

"Uh, howdy." Tex replied.

"I haven't seen you before."

"We're with the--"

"They're with the Wall Street Journal." Roger cut in.

"Oooh, you're from Texas, aren't you?" the wife asked as she turned to Tex.

"Yes, ma'am."

The woman chuckled happily, but Kenny cleared his throat before she could say anything else.

"We were actually all about to take the kids for a walk." said Kenny.

"Alright, we won't keep you, then." she replied.

"We'll be back in twenty or so."

Tex followed next to Barton as they were ushered out the ward and then out of the building. He looked over to see her expression was still pained.

“Not a fan of Jesus?” he muttered to her, already knowing the answer.

“Jesus was a commie.” Barton replied.

After making it to the parking lot, Kenny led them all down to a little dirt path behind the clinic that disappeared into the park.

"Sorry, we wanted to get you away from the wack jobs." Kenny explained to Tex.

"They were--fine." Tex stammered.

Roger lifted both the kids over his shoulders, much to their delight. 

"I know that you're way out of my league but I'm gonna hit on you anyway." he said to Tala as the two of them lagged behind.

"Ooh." Tala replied, clearly interested.

Junji stood next to Tex, although he didn't look too compelled to talk to anyone.

"They're nice enough." Miguel said to Tex. "We just don't wanna expose the kids to them, you know?"

"We do what they ask by keeping her daughter alive." Kenny added. "It's not that we're trying to knock anyone's beliefs."

"Yeah, we like everyone."

"Everyone?" asked Barton.

If someone had asked Tex what his favorite word was at that very moment, he would not have been able to answer them.

"Yeah, everyone." Miguel answered. "Except for libcucks."

It someone had asked Tex what his favorite word was at that very moment, he would have easily been able to answer them.

"To be fair. There's a big difference between a liberal and a libcuck." Miguel explained as he gestured with his hands.

"Oh. Tex replied. "What's the--"

"The difference is that a liberal genuinely believes in economic policies that don't create any incentive for people to improve society, while a libcuck calls me homophobic for saying that gay people should be treated the same as everybody else."

"I once had a surgeon calling me all sorts of stuff over how we don't have a gender neutral bathroom." said Kenny. "But I don't have a problem with gays. My uncles are gay, and they're pretty cool."

"That--"

"He ended up peeing in my grandma's empty jam-making jar. Both of the bathrooms are single stall, too, so we don't really pay attention to the signs."

"How's your grandma doing?" Miguel asked.

"She's doing great, actually. Her apricot jam won the preservatives festival last weekend, and she's spending the money on a new deck for the house. She--"

"She need any help building it?" 

The forest was clean and the sun was out, even though it was winter. Tex breathed in the smell of mushrooms and dirt and wished that he lived closer to a park.

"So what do y'all do for fun?" Tex asked when Kenny and Miguel's conversation had tapered off.

"There's paintball," Kenny replied as he counted on his fingers, "fishing, book clubs, complaining about Californians--"

"Let's do that one." Barton cut in.

"You don't like Californians?"

"Hell no. The only thing I got in common with Californians is that we both support their secession."

Miguel and Kenny both let out a quick laugh.

"And for good reason." Miguel said. "I heard down in Cali now that the streets alternate from mansions to crack houses."

"Huh." Tex replied. "That's kinda like--"

"For a people who talk a big talk about caring about the poor, they sure love pricing out the locals." Kenny noted. "They--"

"Yeah, and at those big city schools they've started making quotas to fill on the number of black people they accept." Barton replied. "That's--"

"Jesus. So liberals aren't gonna let black people do anything for themselves--"

"Hell no. That's why I never take any of the jobs I apply for."

"Man, you should've been here the other day. Some big city kid called me a racist for saying affirmative action's going too far. I'm not racist. My uncle's black, and he's pretty cool."

"And now we got Californians claiming that it's not racist when M-STEM doesn't allow white kids to join." said Miguel. "And--"

"I actually don't mind that one so much." Tex interrupted. 

Tex began to regret his words the moment they'd left his mouth, even before everyone turned to him and stared.

"That's alright." Kenny said happily. "Why do you think that?"

"I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to say it ain't racist," Tex started, "but if there's a group of people who're underrepresented in the science department, and if they wanna make an organization for themselves to protect their image, I don't guess there's anything wrong with that. Long as it ain't gover--

"Oh. So you think there should be organizations that help people who didn't get a good science education in grade school?"

"Uh, that ain't really--"

"You know, I'm glad we had this talk. I might not agree with you, but I think it's talks like these that are gonna save America."

"...Alright."

As Kenny gave Tex what could only be described as a shoulder pat, Miguel squinted his eyes at Barton's face.

"Weren't you in some war?" he asked.

"All of them." Barton replied.

"Oh yeah, you're the lady that led the battle of the Dallas Fort Worth airport."

"Uhuh."

"Sorry I didn't recognize you earlier. I thought you were a man." 

"That's fair."

Barton, Kenny, and Miguel fell into a conversation that was too aggressive to please Tex's ears. He ended up listening in on Tala and Roger's conversation. 

"...divorced him for negging her too much." said Tala. "And then--"

"Do you mean nagging?" Roger cut in.

"No, negging."

"What's negging?"

"That's like when you try to get someone to sleep with you by wearing down their confidence. It's like a bar tactic."

Roger put his hand over his chest and inhaled in shock.

"What would somebody even gain from that?" he gasped.

"Wow, you’re really naive. Do you want to have sex?"

Tex stopped listening to Tala and Roger's conversation.

Junji hadn't said a word since they'd taken off. With everyone else occupied, Tex tapped Junji's shoulder and let the two of them lag behind, just a little.

"How you doing, Junji?" Tex asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

"I do not like the loud men." Junji answered, just as quietly.

"Alright."

Tex nearly flinched when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned his head over to see that Roger and Tala had caught up with him.

"Would you mind taking the kids for awhile?" asked Roger. "I think they wanna meet you guys."

Tex didn't mind taking the kids for a while, although the responsibility of handling two cancer patients by himself was a little daunting.

"Sure." he replied. "Just..."

Tex grabbed Junji and pulled him over before he could wander anywhere.

"Sure." Tex repeated.

"Alright, here you go."

Roger lifted the children from his back one at a time. Tex was handed Emily, while Junji was handed Carson. 

"I'll, uh, be back for them in a few minutes." Roger added.

Upon leaving them, Roger lagged back behind with Tala.

Tex carefully set Emily down on the ground. Junji, however, continued to hold Carson outright with a pained expression. 

"Why are you wincing?" Tex asked Junji.

"What if it urinates on me?" Junji replied.

"I'm seven." said Carter.

"When do children start going to the bathroom by themselves?"

"Can I go back on the ground?"

Junji sighed and discharged the child to the ground. Needing something to suck on, Tex pulled a cough drop from his pocket and popped it into his mouth.

He looked over at Emily when he noticed she was staring at him.

"Are you a cowboy?" she asked.

"I used to work on a ranch." Tex replied.

"Have you ridden a horse?"

"Yeah, lots of times."

"Do you have a gun?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have it with you?"

"...No."

Emily didn't seem convinced. Tex quickly turned his attention to Carter, who was talking to Junji.

"Are you from China?" Carter asked.

"No, I'm from Japan." answered Junji.

"What's the difference?"

"Japan is a nicer place to live."

"Why's it nicer?"

"The government is more active."

Tex hit himself in the chest a few times after unintentionally swallowing his cough drop whole.

"What's it like?" Carson pushed.

"Japan? It's like here, but with less people."

"Why are there less people?"

"The central banking cartel injured the economy and damned couples unable to afford children."

Tex's eyes widened in horror.

"Junji!" he hissed.

"What?" Junji replied. 

"Don't say that."

Junji's face screwed up with confusion.

"Say what?" he asked. "Central?"

"No." Tex replied.

"Banking?"

"No."

"Cartel?"

_ "Damn _. Don't swear in front of the kids."

For just a moment, Junji's face turned so pained it looked like he'd been kicked in the balls. After he'd composed himself, he dropped to his knees and looked both the children in their eyes.

"Like any language," Junji said to them slowly, "English is made up of different sounds that we've all agreed will represent different concepts and other such things."

"Uhuh." they replied.

"But some of these sounds are naughty no-no sounds because we've decided that they mean very rude things like 'feces' or 'sexual intercourse' or 'bad'."

Both Emily and Carter began to snicker.

"How does sex work?" Emily asked.

Tex threaded his fingers through his bangs and pulled.

"When humans reach adulthood, their genitals redesign themselves with nerve endings and their brains become interested in sex." Junji explained. "The most common form of sex is when a male takes his penis and puts it in a female's vagina and moves it like--"

Junji began to demonstrate with his hands.

"--so until he excretes a sample of his DNA through his penis. Because of the nerve endings, the act is very pleasurable for both parties and can make the female pregnant if the couple doesn't block the DNA sample." he finished. 

"How would you block the DNA sample?" Carter asked.

"A thin silicone tube."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because people don't always want to make a baby every time they want to have sex."

"Have you had sex?" asked Emily.

"Yes."

"Have you ever had a baby?"

"No."

As Junji continued to answer the rest of Emily and Carter's questions, Tex stopped listening out of fear. Tala and Roger returned popped back into view behind him, both covered in leaves. He began to eavesdrop on their conversation once more in an attempt to distract himself.

"...more educated than I thought you'd be." Tala said to Roger. "And you've read every book?"

"Every one." Roger replied.

"Have you read Pride and Prejudice?"

"Course I have. Give me something harder."

"What about Moby Dick?"

"Yup. Even the gay parts."

"Have you read My Secret Garden?"

"Read and jerked off to it."

Tex didn't realize the path they'd been led down was a loop until the hospital made its way back into view. When the group clumped back together, Emily and Carter jumped back onto Roger's shoulders.

"How've you been?" Roger asked them.

"We learned about sex and how to say damn." Emily replied.

"Well, fuck. Good for you."

As they made their way back inside, Tex caught up to Miguel, Kenny, and Barton.

"...said I hated women just cause I didn't like her music." Kenny finished. "I don't hate women. My uncle's a woman, and he's pretty cool."

"To be fair, Yoko Ono is a good reason to hate women." Barton replied.

Tex frowned. He'd never figured out who Yoko Ono was, but people being mean to her made him sad.

They got back to the hospital's ward just as Dana's parents were making their departure. Tex nearly ran into them as he passed through the door frame.

"Oh, you're leaving?" he asked them.

Out of the corner of his eye, Tex could see Dana in her bed at the end of the room. She was in the same position she had been, although she now had a bouquet of flowers resting on her chest.

"Yep!" the husband replied. "But we'll be back next week."

"Um, alright."

The husband walked on. Tex wasn't sure why, but it was at that moment that he realized who was in pain.

His heart started to pound uncomfortably against his rib cage. It only increased when the wife didn't follow her husband out the door.

"Before we leave." she said to Tala and Junji. "I want to thank you for doing a piece on this place. They've been so kind to us and our daughter, they deserve recognition for that."

"Oh." Junji replied. "We'll do our best."

The wife left with a smile. Tex felt a surge of preemptive guilt as she walked through the door.

"So did you get everything you needed?" asked Roger.

"Guess we did, yeah." Tex replied. "You gave a good rundown."

"No problem. It was fun."

It was clearly time to make their goodbyes. Tex stood by Miguel as Barton and Kenny said farewell and pretended not to notice Junji repeatedly tapping his wrist with pleading eyes.

"Thanks for having us." Tex said to Miguel.

"No problem!" Miguel replied with a smile. "Even if you write something horrible about us, I'm glad we got to meet."

"Although, fore we go. There's something I wanna ask you."

"What's that?"

"Y'all sure seem happy. What's your secret?" 

Miguel let out a short laugh and looked up at the ceiling before answering. Finished with their goodbyes, Tala and Barton both made their way out of the building.

"You know, it's funny." he replied. "I didn't used to be so happy. But one day I realized that I was the master of my own mind, and the only thing preventing me from happiness was me."

"Huh, that--"

"The thing is, Americans are obsessed with pills and therapy for happiness. But happiness comes within. A pill's not gonna make you happy."

"I--"

"Not to say that pills are bad. I've read that they've helped a lot of people with schizophrenia and stuff."

Tex waited until Miguel's mouth was sewn closed before he gave talking another try.

"Seems like you've thought about this a lot." said Tex.

"Yup. I was once a TA for a psych professor in college. It's actually kind of an interesting story."

"Oh, uh--"

"It all started on a brisk September day. I came out of the library to see that..."

As Miguel launched into his tale that included several tangents into sub tales, Tex prayed to god that he was a good storyteller.

He wasn't.

"...so anyway, yeah." Miguel rambled. "That's why you should never get impaled in the head with a metal rod."

"I'll keep that in--"

"Actually, that reminds me of the time..."

Tex felt two arms lock around his chest. He could tell the arms were Junji's by the familiar snug white cloth of a long sleeve shirt around the forearms. Tex stopped listening to Miguel as Junji began to drag him by the shoulders to the front door, although he threw out a couple of 'uhuh's when Miguel took it upon himself to follow them.

"...was never interested in railroads that much, but I still have a few thoughts on them." Miguel finished, maybe.

"Uhuh."

"And now..."

Although Miguel stopped at the doorway, he raised his voice so that Tex could still hear as he was pulled back down the path they'd come.

"...think anybody knew that trains were gonna be faster than planes by 2050, but then again..."

Tex eventually stopped hearing Miguel's voice, although he was unsure if it was because Miguel had stopped talking or they'd simply gotten too far apart.

Barton and Tala caught up to them on the sidewalk about a block away. After making sure no one was in ear or eye shot, Tex pulled them into a little huddle.

"Can we go back?" asked Barton.

"I think I know who's causing the red spot." Tex said, ignoring her. "It's the--"

"Coma patient." Tala cut in. "Yeah, we know."

"What? How'd you know?"

"Who else would it be?" Junji asked.

"I checked the Pain Finder Thing while we were out walking." Tala added. "The red dot was still on in the hospital, so it really couldn't be anyone else."

Tex brought two fingers up to his chin.

"I still don't get why a coma patient would be hurting so bad." he muttered.

"She's probably conscious." Junji replied.

"...Jeez."

"One time, I read about this little kid who was semi-conscious in a coma." said Tala. "His parents always put on Barney the Dinosaur for him, but it turned out that he hated Barney and it was hell for him to have to listen so basically what I'm saying is that Barney has technically tortured a child before."

Tex's mind flashed back to what he'd learned about Dana, most notably who her parents were and that she wasn't getting better.

"What do y'all think we should do?" asked Tex.

"Easy." Barton replied. "We break in tonight, full gear, plant a micro-charge in one of the fuses. Then in a week, we blow the charge. If we do everything right, the power will go out and it'll just look like a fuse crapped out."

Tex scratched his head.

"Well," he started, "I mean..."

"What?" Barton pushed.

"Do we really gotta break in?"

"What else would we do?"

"We could explain the situation to Kenny."

Tex's idea was met with a round of boos and one of Tala's socks.

"What?" he asked. "We could show any of the pain radar, tell them what we do."

"You're betting that they would believe us." Junji replied. "You are also betting they're intelligent enough to understand, and that they'd care."

"Course they'd care."

Junji didn't look convinced. Neither did anyone else.

"What's he gonna do with the Pain Finder Thing?" Barton wondered. "Punch one of us in the gut to see if it works?"

"Look," Tex started, "I know we've seen a lotta wacky stuff, with torturers and attempted cannibal hippies and all that, but--"

"Junji's right. If we tell them, it's only gonna mean they'll know it was us when she dies. Which means jail."

Tex sighed in defeat. Jail meant no more mercy killing, so he supposed it was safer not to jeopardize themselves. 

"Alright." he caved. "What's the plan?"

"Barton said we needed a microcharge." Junji replied.

Barton lifted her shirt above her head.

"This going somewhere?" asked Tex.

Barton reached into the hole in her shoulder and pulled something out of it. When she held it outright, Tex recognized it back from what little he remembered of his war days as a capsule containing a microcharge.

Barton lowered her shirt.

They ended up renting a Zipcar just so they could have a warm place to stay until one in the morning. After borrowing Tala's headphones, Tex curled up in a ball and took a nap in the front seat.

He just hoped that Dana's parents would consider a random power outage to be a natural death.

At one in the morning, Tex awoke to the sound of Barton's alarm and the realization that his shoes were on the wrong feet.

"Junji did it." Tala said when Tex began to eye her with suspicion. 

"Junji's asleep." Tex replied.

Barton poked Junji's face.

_ "Hai, watashi no nekomimi wa shizendesu. _" Junji muttered. 

Barton poked Junji's face again. Junji shook his head and opened his eyes.

"I was having a nice dream." he yawned as he stretched his arms.

"Good for you." Barton replied. "We ready to do this?"

Even though Tala had turned off all the cameras in and near the building, they'd parked a few blocks away to avoid being seen by any late-night joggers. The walk up to the hospital was more than a little dark. None of them wanted to risk getting spotted from using personal lights, so all they had was a distant street lamp to guide them.

Barton and Tala had lagged about half a block behind to discuss the mechanics of a microcharge in a low whisper. Tex walked next to Junji with a loaded mind.

Junji inhaled through his nose.

“You smell conflicted.” Junji quietly observed.

“Gross.”

“Is something bothering you?”

“Guess there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh.”

Tex rubbed his hand across the back of his head as he searched his mind for the least lame way to make his request.

“Being in a coma sounds like a nightmare to me, even if I weren’t conscious.” he started. “I don’t know how long you and me are gonna know each other…”

Junji gave Tex a little side glance when he trailed off.

“Look, I never want people seeing me after my mind goes.” Tex followed. “The second I get Alzheimer’s or--end up a vegetable, it’d mean a real lot to me if you put a couple bullets in my head.”

Junji let out a tiny hum. Tex’s anxiety began to reach critical levels.

“That is an…interesting solution.” Junji murmured.

“You got a better one?”

“Yes.”

“Hwat?”

Junji momentarily quickened his pace so that Tex could see the back of his head. He then gestured to a spot on the tip of his spine, right under the memory plate that Barton had installed.

“A few years back,” Junji started, “I had a tiny box installed in my brain stem that upon being fed the proper series of thought commands will activate a laser grid which will reduce me to cubic millimeters in less than a second."

Tex let out a tiny cough.

"Doesn't that--" he stammered. "Couldn't you trigger that by mistake?"

"No. The interface it projects into my mind's eye if I hint at initiation is quite foolproof to navigate."

"Huh, Netflix could learn a thing or two from that."

“Would you like me to get you one like mine?”

On one hand, Junji's idea was upsetting. On the other hand, Tex had seen some weird shit.

"Know what?" said Tex. "Sure.”

"Good. I would find that comforting.”

“Though you still gotta end me if I get Alzheimer's. I might forget that I wanted to die.”

“It would be my--_ owww. _" 

Tex looked over and squinted to see that Junji had walked squarely into one of the bollard poles, which stood perfectly at crotch level.

"You okay?" Tex whispered with a wince.

"Oh, I'm fine." Junji shrugged.

"...Alright."

They arrived at the front of the building. Tex couldn't hear anything from the inside, which was definitely a good thing. 

The only light source was a faint glow that lofted out from one of the clinic’s windows.

"What do we do now?" he asked Barton once she’d caught up.

"We figure out where the fuse box is." Barton replied.

Tex glanced at the building. He saw nothing to indicate the location of the fuse box, and was unsure why he even thought looking at the outside of the building might have led him somewhere in the first place.

"Do anyone remember seeing the fuse box?" Tex wondered.

"No." Tala replied.

"I wasn't looking for it." Barton said.

Tex took off his glasses and huffed his sigh of disapproval at the lenses so he could wipe them down.

"Was there a reason we didn't talk about this in the car?" asked Junji.

"I'll just break in and find it." Barton suggested.

"Perhaps I should do it."

Tex jumped when a bright light hit him in the eyes.

"Perhaps he should do what?" a familiar voice asked.

Face white, Tex rubbed his eyes to see Kenny standing about ten feet away from them with a double barrel shotgun pointed between Barton and Junji. The shotgun had a lit flashlight taped to the barrel, which Tex did his best not to look directly at again.

It was a tad shocking to see Kenny's face without a smile.

"Ah, shit." Tex muttered as he put his hands up along with everyone else.

"I asked you a question." Kenny pushed.

If Tex had to guess, he'd say that Kenny'd had some training with a gun but not a lot. Tex knew he probably had the speed to whip out his pistol and shoot first, although he hoped it didn't have to come to it.

"What should we do?" Barton asked out of the corner of her mouth.

"What else can we do?" Tex replied. "We gotta tell him."

Barton let out her own sigh of defeat.

"Guess you're right." she said.

"Tell me what?" asked Kenny.

Tex cleared his throat. He winced the barrel of the gun was pointed straight at him.

"We got reason to believe that Dana's conscious." he explained. "In her coma."

"She can still think and hear." Junji added. "It's torturous for her, as it would be."

Kenny's eyebrows scrunched together so dramatically that they nearly touched.

"How could you possibly know that?" he asked.

"We're vigilantes." Tex replied. "We have a--a radar that tells us when people are in pain."

Two clicks rang out as Kenny pumped the shotgun. 

"We can prove it." Barton said roughly.

Barton's words seemed to have the best effect on Kenny. He didn't put the gun down, but his brow started to unfurl, ever so slightly.

"How?" Kenny asked.

"Give him the thing." Barton hissed at Tex.

"Tala's got the thing." Tex replied.

"I have to put my hands down to grab the thing." said Tala. "Is that alright?"

Kenny's eyes darted between Tala and Barton.

"No sudden movements." he replied.

Tala was dead slow as she took off her backpack and pulled out the Pain Finder Thing. She placed it on the ground and kicked it over to Kenny with her foot.

Kenny kept his gun pointed at Tex as he bent over to pick it up.

"It's a--map." Kenny stated.

"The red dots represent discomfort." Junji explained.

Although the screen was pointed away from Tex, he could tell that Kenny was messing with it.

"Lot of red in North Korea." Kenny muttered.

"Zoom in on our location." Tex suggested.

"Fun fact." Tala announced. "North Korea and South Korea actually average out into Mexico."

Kenny touched the screen with two fingers and drifted them away from each other.

"There's a tiny pink dot where you guys are standing..." he noted.

"Who's uncomfortable?" asked Tex.

"I have to pee." Junji replied.

"And there's a massive dot inside the hospital." Kenny finished.

As he spoke, Kenny's face twisted with conflict. He dropped the pain radar on the ground with a little clunk. Keeping the gun pointed at them, he grabbed a ring of keys from his pocket.

Tex winced when Kenny jabbed himself in the side with a key.

_ "Fuck. _" Kenny swore.

It became more apparent for Tex what was going on when Kenny picked the pain radar back up from the ground and examined it with care.

Kenny darted his eyes between the screen and Tex's face.

"Where the hell did you get this thing?" Kenny asked.

"We found it behind a dumpster at McDonald's." answered Tala.

"What?" Tex choked. "Why would you tell him that?" 

"You said we should tell the truth."

"How does it work?" Kenny pushed.

Tex exchanged a glance with Barton. 

"We don't really know." Barton replied.

"We suspect it detects chemical compounds that make up discomfort." said Junji.

Kenny's face twisted with a strange mixture of understanding and disbelief.

"So you guys go around and end--torment?" he asked.

"Yes." Junji replied.

"Do you get paid? How do you support yourselves?"

"We live on an co--"

"It's a fellowship." Tex hissed. "We live on a fellowship." 

"Sometimes we fight goblins and kiss each other." Tala replied.

Kenny rubbed his hand over his chin. Over the half minute that followed, his gaze darted between the pain radar and Barton.

"I--" he started. "I guess that makes sense. In a nonsensical sort of way."

The tip of Kenny's gun was lowered into the dirt. Tex breathed a sigh of relief and lowered his hands along with everyone else.

"How about you all come inside?" Kenny suggested.

They came inside.

Kenny locked his shot gun in a safe under the front desk when they entered, although he held on to the Pain Finder Thing. He motioned for them to be quiet as they walked into the dark ward.

After they'd all taken a stand by Dana's bed, Tex caught on to Kenny's plan.

Kenny reached out and nudged Dana with his hand. He seemed to be in a state of disbelief with what he was doing, but he did it anyway.

"Dana?" he whispered. "Can you hear me?"

Tex was tall enough to view the screen of the pain radar from his position behind Kenny, which he did. 

The dark red spot didn't shift.

"She might not be awake right now." Tala muttered. "Or she might be in pain for some other reason."

"Dana, do you want to die?" asked Kenny.

Slowly, the red spot lightened into pink. Kenny let out a tiny 'huh'.

Tex's heart pumped twelve painful times before Kenny said anything.

"Even if this is all just a big coincidence," Kenny started, the words slow, "I never saw the point in keeping Dana alive anyway. If I had any reason to think she was in pain, I'd pull the plug."

"So you'll help us?" Tex replied.

"I'll blow a fuse in a couple of days. It'll look like an accident."

For just a moment, the red spot blinked almost completely out of existence. Tex felt a hot flash of satisfaction.

Tala was handed the Pain Finder Thing back, which she put in her bag. Junji was allowed access to the bathroom. 

They all left the ward to avoid waking the children up.

“So you all really just go around and--stop pain?” Kenny asked Tex.

“Well, we usually go after tetragrammers.”

“What’s a tetragrammer?”

Kenny’s eyes were wide as he asked his question. Tex felt himself wince.

“It’s a--” Tex replied. “It’s just a cult thing.”

“Ah.”

Kenny said goodbye to Tala and then Junji. When he got to Barton, Tex could see a flicker of sadness behind his eyes.

"Well, this was weird." Kenny said to her.

"Yup." Barton replied.

"Still, it was really great meeting you. I wish you could've stayed longer."

"Yeah, me too." 

"You know what? I want you to have this."

Kenny took off his newsboy cap and handed it to Barton. Barton took it with careful hands.

"You just can't be black and bald and over forty without a newsboy cap." Kenny followed.

"God, that's so true." Barton said as she slipped the cap on her head.

It fit her perfectly.

After sending them off with some barbecued ribs, Kenny bid them goodbye so he could go to bed. Tex returned their car while Barton booked tickets for the next train ride out, and they were back in Seattle before three in the morning.

"I'm never going to stop wearing this hat." Barton said as they parted ways with her.

The bus ride to the complex was short but sleepy. Tex alternated between thinking about the strange and intense incidents of the day and his bed. The thought passed his mind that he'd forgotten to lay down a round of 'I told you so's regarding Kenny's actions, but he eventually realized it was a good thing, as he could feel like a better person for accidentally taking the high road.

"Hey, thanks for your suggestion." he said to Junji.

The bus wasn't particularly crowded, so Tex felt comfortable talking.

"Suggestion?" Junji asked.

"Yeah. Investigating something other than a tetragram."

"Oh. Yes, I had a--nice time."

"And Dana's gonna be having a nicer time when she ain't living in hell no more."

"Well..."

Tex turned towards Junji to see his gaze was fixed out the window and into the street.

"What?" asked Tex.

"It's nothing." Junji replied.

"What? Tell me."

"There is also the possibility that her parents were right, and we've sent her to the real hell."

"...You're not saying you think we did that, are you?"

"No, I was just implying we couldn't rule it out as a possibility."

Tex said nothing.

"I was being overly technical." Junji followed. "Forget I said something."

Tex didn't forget Junji said something.


	11. Inaccurate Ant Facts

** From Gamer Gril **  
can we have a meeting today?

Tex looked at the clock on his phone to see that it was seven in the afternoon. After turning his attention away from the task of cleaning his gun, he typed out his response.

** To Garbage Band **  
for what?

** From Gamer Gril **  
i have good news and bad news

** To Garbage Band **  
whats the bad news

** From Supreme Jackass **  
no i wanna hear the good news first

** _Big Penised Cowboy has created a poll  
  
_ **

** _Spoodge King has voted in Big Penised Cowboy's poll for bad news first_ **

** _Gamer Gril has changed Big Penised Cowboy's name to Big Penised Cowfucker_ **

** To Garbage Band **  
i ain't fucked no cows

** From Gamer Gril **  
it was better than the alternative

** _Supreme Jackass has created a new poll option: drone strike California_ **

** _Supreme Jackass has voted in Big Penised Cowfucker's poll for drone strike California_ **

** From Gamer Gril **  
i cant tell you the bad news until you know the good news

** From Gamer Gril **  
does nine work

They ended up agreeing on nine. Which was good, because it meant that Tex didn't have too much time on his hands to think before getting to work.

Tala was sitting at the table with her laptop when he got inside. Tex microwaved a burrito while they waited for Barton and Junji to show up.

"Hey." Tex greeted as he took a seat across from Tala.

"Hello." Tala replied.

"Did the dot in Colorado get cleared up?"

"Yup. Kenny did his job, one way or another."

"That's good."

Tex had a few more questions, but Junji and Barton both walked in, about twenty seconds out of sync from one another. They both sat down on either side of Tex.

"Well, the good news is that the Pain Finder Thing has shown us our next job." Tala started as Barton took a bite out of Tex's burrito when he wasn't looking.

"Is that good news?" Junji wondered.

"What's the bad news?" asked Tex.

"You remember how last time we had to deal with an apartment complex?" Tala replied.

"Yeah."

"We have another apartment complex."

Tex sighed and rubbed his temples. He couldn't believe that two of the three apartment complexes he'd run into in his five years of working for the mercy killing business had been back to back.

"...Also it's in Hong Kong." Tala followed.

Tex couldn't believe it.

"Show me." he ordered.

"Right here." Tala replied as she clicked into a new tab on her laptop.

The screen showed a Google Earth shot of a massive apartment building. There were so many rooms stacked on top of each other that it almost looked like a hive.

"God, it's like SeattleSeattle." Tex muttered.

"If every human on Earth lived as tightly packed as they do in Hong Kong, we could easily fit into Alaska." said Junji.

"Thanks for the fun fact, pardner."

Even if they could find an easy way to get into the building, it likely wouldn't be any help. Tex had never been at such a loss for tracking someone down before.

"Any ideas?" he asked. "I'll take anything."

"I have an idea." Tala replied.

"What's your idea?"

"We could clone ourselves."

"No."

"But we'd put ourselves in bodies that didn't look like us."

"Hell no."

"And then we could threaten the landlord into giving us information on every tenant and let us search the rooms until we found our guy."

"We're not doing this."

"Then our clones destroy the program and kill the guy, and they get arrested instead of us."

"Would our clones be willing to do that?" asked Barton.

"I believe mine would." Junji replied. "Alternatively, I could go."

"Great!" Tala said. "I'm going to look up who the landlord is."

"Y'all ain't really about to humor this, are you?" Tex asked as Tala pulled up the apartment complex's website.

"Do you have a better idea?"

Tex did not have a better idea.

"Landlord's name is Feng Xiulan." Tala read after she'd translated the page to English. "Open ten to five. How much does cloning cost?"

"Wait." Junji said as he lifted his finger. "Wait."

"What?"

"Did you say Feng Xiulan?"

"Uhuh."

Junji let out a short laugh and muttered something in Japanese. Tex got the feeling it was celebratory. 

"What?" asked Tala. "Do you know her?"

"Feng Xiulan is a massive king pin." Junji answered. "And she has quite a reputation for disloyalty, which is good for us."

"Why is that good for us?"

"We can bribe her."

Tex frowned in thought. He didn't have a lot of money to toss around, but he supposed it was a lot better than Tala's terrible idea.

"The name Xiulan sounds familiar." Barton said.

"Yes, her family has been in power for a while." Junji explained. "It was the surname of both her parents."

"That's--interesting." Tex stammered.

"She might not even speak English." said Tala.

"Ying speaks Mandarin and Cantonese." Junji replied.

"Who's Ying?" 

"Kwan Ying." 

"What about her?"

"Junji's besties with Ying Kwan." Tex cut in.

"Makes sense." Barton nodded.

"When could Ying come?" Tala asked.

"Ying visits me every Wednesday." answered Junji. "I will call her now and ask if we can do this instead."

Junji stepped out into the hall to make his call. Tex turned his attention back to Tala, who was clicking the 'make appointment' button next to Feng Xuilan's name.

_"Reason for visit._" Tala read. "Business?"

"Put it in quotation marks." Barton suggested.

"I'll just put crime."

Tala's keyboard clacked as she wrote 'crime' in the little box.

"What time were we planning on doing this?" she asked once she'd finished.

Tex turned on his phone and looked up the local time in Hong Kong. He turned it back off when Junji had returned to the room.

"Can she do it?" Barton asked Junji.

"Yes." answered Junji. "She can do it tomorrow, in fact. She considers it a high priority."

"It's a six hour flight, and they're sixteen hours ahead." Tex said. "We could make it at noon easy on Monday over there if we left at eight or nine tomorrow morning."

"I can book us four seats for a flight that leaves at eight fifteen tomorrow." Barton replied.

"Can you get--"

"Yeah, I can get them next to each other." 

_'Yay!'_ Tex thought.

Tala finished making their appointment and was informed by her laptop that her booking for noon on Monday had been successful.

At best, they would be getting seven hours of sleep. Tex chose to spend the night at the office with everyone else.

He hadn't gotten as much rest as he'd wanted by the time they'd caught their cab to the airport, but at least his sleepiness ended up making the TSA more tolerable.

Still, the plane ride proved itself a little wearing. Tex passed the time by swapping heartwarming stories with Junji about their families.

"...story short, he slapped my great grandma around so bad that one day her brothers rounded up and beat the shit out of him." Tex continued. "Then they made him live in a chicken coop, and he drank himself to death by the time I was seven."

"Oh." Junji replied. "And your family was Irish?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

Junji was seated at the window of the plane, and Tex had taken the middle. Tala was asleep on Tex's other side. Hypothetically, two of them could have sat in one of the three first class seats that Barton had bought, but she'd claimed she wanted to 'put her feet up'.

Ying was meeting them there.

"Hey." Tex said as he tapped Junji's elbow with his own. "It's your turn." 

Junji's face twisted with anxiety. 

"You don't gotta talk about it if it's sore." Tex quickly followed when he remembered that Junji had left his family.

"No, it's not that. I just have a hard time making random selections."

As he continued to think, Junji's gaze started to dart between Tex and his tray table. Tex raised an eyebrow when Junji started to snicker.

"Have I ever told you that you remind me of my father?" Junji asked.

"No, and you shouldn't."

"Why would that bother you?"

The answer to Junji's question was so obvious that Tex couldn't manage to explain it.

"How am I like him?" Tex wondered.

"He was very non-traditional."

"I don't strike you as traditional?"

"You would not be if you were a Japanese businessman."

Tex was unable to argue.

"He wasn't fond of the Yakuza." followed Junji.

"You're kidding. Your old man?"

"I'm not kidding."

"And he was a mob boss?"

"He compartmentalized."

The corners of Junji's mouth were soft as he spoke.

"He only became involved in politics for my mother." he continued. "Every second he didn't spend working or with me he wasted trying to talk her into bed with him."

"Your folks had a sexless marriage?"

"My parents had a political marriage. My mother was never able to explain this to my father, despite her many attempts."

Tex quickly exhaled in amusement.

"They did not communicate well." Junji finished.

"Yeah, I didn't when I was married, neither. Though I don't think there's a single wife I could've gotten that I could've understood."

"Why is that?"

"If there's three things in the world I ain't good at, it's horseshoeing, knowing when to stop gambling on horseshoeing, and understanding women."

Junji gagged.

"What?" asked Tex.

"Yes, men and women, so different. One is from Jupiter, the other is from Myanus."

Junji's voice was thick with irritation, which Tex was secretly glad to hear. The more exasperated Junji was, the more entertaining his arguments tended to be.

"Sounds like you got something to say." Tex replied as he tried to hide his smile.

"Give me a moment."

Junji quickly put together a sign with a pen, piece of tape, and the airplane menu he'd been given. He then stuck the sign to his tray table, turned it vertically so it functioned as a divider, and stole Tex's plastic cup of sprite.

Tex could now see that the sign had been captioned 'NO BOYS ALLOWED'.

"Really?" Tex asked in amazement. "You're doing this?"

"I repent! With your elongated phallus, a symbol of our natures; alien to each other, how will I ever hope to understand something so different from I? You might as well be a conglomeration of tentacles and decorative dish soaps--"

"Gimme my sprite back."

"No! You're not 'apposed to come back here!" 

"I'm not gonna--"

Tex cut himself off as a water balloon soared over the divider and crashed next to his feet.

"How'd you get that on an airplane?" he wondered.

"Get away from my fort!" 

A woman cleared her throat. Tex looked over to see the stewardess.

Junji immediately turned all his attention to the window.

"Is everything alright?" the stewardess asked.

"Yeah." Tex answered. "Just, um, a political demonstration."

"That's fine, but please don't throw water balloons."

Junji's arms were crossed over his chest as the stewardess left. Tex put Junji's tray table down and grabbed his sprite.

"Why do this rile you up so much, anyway?" asked Tex.

Junji let out a tiny sigh and uncrossed his arms.

"I have been to many countries." he started. "I've seen many cultures. And I have watched and suffered silently as they all separate boys from girls and wonder why they can't communicate as adults."

Tex had long since learned that he and Junji disagreed quite a bit on what was nature and what was nurture, with Junji having all the wrong opinions.

"Uhuh." Tex mused.

Junji clicked his tongue and picked up his complimentary butter mint from the floor. 

"I have randomly selected this object." Junji said as he handed Tex the mint. "Examine it."

"Alright." Tex replied.

"Tell me. Which do you share more in common with? This mint, which we will assume is the most average object, or a human female?"

"A human--female."

"Interesting. In fact, can you think of anything that you share more in common with than a human female?"

"Male chimp?"

"Yes, a scrunchy faced, dirt-coated creature that eats dead leaves and slam dunks unsatisfactory infants into the trash. Perhaps you two can bond over Punked."

Tex did his best to cover his mouth with the back of his hand when he started to laugh.

"What are you smiling about?" Junji followed.

"I like watching you try to convince me of things that I'm never gonna give on."

Junji tossed his hand to the side.

"Your world views are ignorant and poor." he replied. "We are humans. Not--ants."

"And you can be a big boy about it."

Out of what Tex suspected was pure spite, Junji folded his hands in his lap and fell into a meditative state, leaving Tex with no one to talk to for the remainder of the flight.

When they'd gotten out of the airport, Tex realized that he was the only one who hadn't gotten any rest on the plane. He did manage to get some sleep on the train, although the ride only took about five minutes.

"Where are we going now?" Tala asked as they got off the train.

Junji pulled out his phone.

"Ying wants us to meet her at the gift shop." he replied.

Tex did a quick survey of his surroundings. He couldn't see the gift shop anywhere. He did, however, spot a balding, heavy-set Asian man with a reflective jacket and a name tag standing between them and the railway.

Junji walked over and got his attention.

"Hello." Junji greeted. "Could you tell us where the gift shop is?"

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper and a pen. He used his left palm as a writing surface when he started to draw.

"We are here." the man said to Junji as he gestured to a spot in his drawing. "Gift shop is over there."

"Thank you." Junji bowed.

"You are welcome."

The train worker reached to give Junji the map, but a tiny breeze swept the paper away before it could reach Junji's finger tips. Thankfully, it hit the back of Barton's head.

"Huh, what's going on?" Barton asked as her eyes snapped open.

Barton easily grabbed the paper from her head and held it outright.

"What is this?" she asked Tex.

"A map." Tex replied as he gestured his thumb in the direction of Junji and the train worker. "Give it to Junji."

Barton stepped forward towards the pair. Her eyes darted between Junji and the worker in deep concentration for about ten seconds before she gestured for Tex's help.

"Which one's Junji?" she whispered to him.

"Jesus _Christ._"

When they did get to the gift shop, Ying was standing outside the door waiting for them with a small backpack and a medical mask over her mouth.

"Hello." she greeted. "Do we know where we're going?"

Tala showed Ying the address. Ying looked up the bus route on her phone and took the lead. Tex was at first wary of letting Ying turn her phone on for their illegal business, but he then noticed she'd covered the microphone and cameras in some sort of foam.

Although it was barely even six in the morning for the locals, Tex still managed to see more people walking along the streets then he usually did in a whole day. The five of them got a few looks, but at least no one tried to burn them.

Tex walked just a little faster so he could catch up with Ying.

"Hey." he greeted. 

"Hello." she replied.

"Almost didn't recognize you with clothes on."

"Oh."

"Thanks for meeting us at the station. You come in from somewhere?"

"Jiangzi."

Tex blinked.

"China." Ying followed.

"What were you doing over there?"

"It's where I live."

"Oh, that's why you speak Chinese, then."

Ying let out a tiny sigh.

"My name is Ying." she said slowly. "Japanese names rarely end in 'ing'."

"...I'll leave you alone."

"Alright, I will speak with you later."

Tex slowed his pace down in defeat and settled back beside Junji.

"Ying comes all the way from China every week to visit you?" he asked.

"She has a private jet." Junji replied.

"Where'd she get it?"

"She's an extremely successful author. She bought it."

The double-decker bus they caught took them about a block away from Feng's office, and they managed the rest on foot. For once, Junji didn't suggest they jog.

Feng had responded to their "business" request for a meeting with instructions on how to get to her office, which could be accessed by hitting every button on the elevator but twenty and four. The elevator began to descend until it was underneath both the lobby and the parking lots after they'd punched in the right buttons.

The elevator doors opened into a small room. Tex stepped inside.

The office was sleek but plain, with just a desk, some shelves and a water cooler. The only decoration was a large painting of fruit behind the desk.

A woman who Tex assumed to be Feng was between the desk and the painting.

"Nǐ hǎo." she greeted.

Feng was older than Tex was expecting, simply because she was older than someone he would have expected to still be alive. Her face was so deep with wrinkles that she gave the appearance of a creature George Lucas might have added to Star Wars post its initial release. At first, Tex thought that Feng was sitting down, but then he realized she was just very short.

A guard stood on either side of her.

"Uh, howdy." Tex replied.

Before Tex could say anything else, Ying stepped forward and spoke a line of Mandarin to Feng. Feng hummed with understanding.

A moment later, Feng clicked her fingers and said something Tex couldn't decipher. Immediately, the guard on the right grabbed a wooden slab from Feng's desk and held it outright for the five of them.

The wooden slab was decked out in six or seven lines of white. Feng gestured for Ying to stand next to her and gave her a message.

"She welcomes you with a gift of fine cocaine." Ying explained.

Tex caught Barton's arm before she could move forward.

"Barton, don't snort that." he scolded.

"Okay." Barton replied as she snorted a line of coke. 

The slab of wood was returned to Feng. Barton wiped her nose.

"Nǐ xiǎng yào shénme?" Feng asked.

"She wants to know how she can help you." said Ying.

"There's somebody living in this apartment complex that we wanna have a little talk with." Tex explained. "And by that, I mean we need to search his room and put a bullet in his head."

"Or her." Tala added.

"I'll eat my shoe if it's a woman."

Ying relayed the message to Feng. After waiting for Feng to reply, Ying opened her mouth.

"She wants to know who you need killed." she cited.

"Well, uh." Tex replied as he scratched the back of his head. "We don't actually know."

"We're looking for someone who owns a large computer." said Tala. "Probably a shut-in."

After what seemed to be a short moment of deep thought on her part, Feng pressed a button on her desk. There was a whirring sound as the fruit painting behind her swung open on hinges to reveal a giant screen.

Tex examined the screen to see that it was composed of hundreds of smaller screens, each overseeing a tiny bedroom. Tex could see people in some of the rooms, although he quickly turned his eyes away.

The bottom of the screen was labeled _Amazon Peep Holes_.

"That is--" Tex stammered. "That's disgusting."

"Do you want me to tell her that?" Ying asked.

"Hell no."

There were three rooms with computers that looked massive enough to tetragram. Tex pointed out the windows for Feng.

"She wants to know what the person you're looking for is doing on their computer." Ying continued.

"Ask her if she knows what tetragramming is." Tex replied.

Ying nodded.

"Nǐ tīng shuōguò 'tetragramming' ma?" she asked Feng.

Feng didn't look like she had. Ying launched into what was clearly an explanation.

Once Ying had finished, Feng's face twisted with disgust.

"为什么要这么做?" she asked.

"社会失灵." answered Ying.

"Did they just talk in characters?" Tex whispered to Tala.

"Yeah, and it's probably for the best." she replied. "You ever try putting Chinese in Google Translate without the characters? It thinks it's Vietnamese."

Ying and Feng continued to talk, with Feng pausing a few times to gesture at some of the screens.

"What did she say?" Tex asked Ying when they were done talking.

"She says it's probably this one on the bottom." Ying replied as she gestured to a screen on the lowest row, near the right. "She says that this one's not enough of a shut in to do something like that, and the other one just uses his rig for VR intercourse with his long distance girlfriend."

Tex stared into the first room that Ying had pointed out. He could see that no one was home and the monitor was dark, although the computer itself glowed a faint blue. 

"Can I see the Pain Finder Thing?" he asked Tala.

"Sure." she replied as she fished it from her bag.

Tex examined the screen of the pain radar to see that the red dot was still there. When he considered the fact that the computer in the room on the bottom was the only one that was on, he was pretty confident that Feng's assessment had been correct.

"What's the room number?" Tex asked.

"Room five three seven." Feng answered. "When?"

"As soon as possible. Do we got a deal?"

When Feng gave her response, it took her a long time. Ying listened carefully.

"She says she'd be willing to give you access to the room and hide the murder from the police if you help her with one of her three chores for the day." Ying said once Feng had finished.

"What're the chores?" asked Tex.

"The first is killing one of her political enemies."

"What's the second?"

"The second is killing a different political enemy."

"And the third?"

"The third is getting rid of the ant hills that have infested the patio of her building."

As Tex gawked at the question, Junji reached into his backpack and pulled out a large blue thermos with a yellow sticker on the lid. He stepped closer to Feng's desk and put a hand on Ying's shoulder.

The three of them quickly struck up a quiet conversation. Tex felt a strong desire to question it, although he turned to Barton and Tala instead of getting a closer look.

"Let's do the ant one." he said to them.

"Pussy." Barton replied.

"Man, you really get antsy when you ain't tasted foreign blood in twelve seconds."

Barton shot Tex a look. In the corner of his eye, Tex could make out Junji opening his thermos and trading Feng some of the contents for a few sheets of paper.

"I don't wanna kill people." Tex followed.

"I mean..." Tala trailed off with a wince.

"What?"

_"...easiest to start in North America._" Junji whispered to Ying and Feng. _"And..._"

"Two people are going to die whether or not we kill them." Tala replied. "Just saying."

"So what do you think we should do?" asked Tex.

_"...Arkansas? Do you..._" 

"We should do whatever's easiest."

"Alright. So we'll do ants."

Junji made his way back over. He slipped the papers he'd been given into his backpack.

"What did we decide on?" he asked once he'd rejoined the group.

"Ants." Tex answered.

"Good. That will be easiest."

After they'd closed the deal, Feng called over Ying and placed a pen in her hand. Tex waited in awkward silence as Ying scribbled Feng's instructions on a blank sheet of paper.

"You know, Barton." Tex muttered. "You don't seem all that different on coke."

"There's a reason for that." Barton replied.

When Ying returned to them, about five minutes later, Tex was handed the paper of instructions.

"Agree?" asked Feng.

Tex quickly read the paper. Besides the building codes and location of the patio, it also included the deadline that Feng wanted the ants cleared out by; eight pm.

"She says she'll give you the key and shut off the cameras after you finish with the ants." Ying said.

"Sounds fine." Tex replied.

Ying relayed Tex's answer to Feng. After pausing for a moment to write something down in a tiny book, Feng asked Ying a question in Mandarin. 

"One more thing." Ying announced after Feng had finished with her question.

"What?" Tex replied.

"She wants to have sex with you." 

Tex looked over at Ying in horror to see that her finger was pointed at him.

"...What?" he asked.

"She says she'll pay you twenty thousand American dollars to have sex with her."

All the color drained from Tex's face. He looked over at Feng to see if she was joking.

She waved.

"Uh, no thanks." Tex said.

Barton, Tala, and Junji all yelped in unison.

"What?" Junji asked. "Why would you not?"

"Tex, you're a dumbass." said Tala. "Do it."

"Come on." Tex replied. "I got some self-respect."

"It's twenty thousand dollars."

"And mama told me my dignity is priceless."

"If you don't do this, my opinion of you will plummet at a constant rate and continue to plummet until I hate you so much I'm forced to kill either you or myself." Barton announced.

Tex let out a short grunt of irritation.

"I ain't doing it, and that's final." he said. "Now, if everyone wouldn't mind stepping out for a minute, I want to have a private moment with Feng to talk about what is and what isn't alright to ask people."

"...What?" Tala replied.

"Get out."

Junji, Barton, and Tala all mumbled in confusion to each other as they left the room and shut the door behind them.

Thankfully, Ying was smart enough to stay.

"Can I wear a condom?" asked Tex.

Ying and Tex left Feng's office about a half hour later. Tex brought a paper cup filled with water from the water cooler with him, but it did little to make him feel better.

It was a short walk to the patio, yet Tex still found time to be uncomfortable.

"Thanks for turning your head the other way." he said to Ying.

"I did not want to watch." she replied.

They got to the building's tiny patio to see that everyone was already there. 

The patio was about twice the size of Tex's studio apartment. It was lined by a fence on every side that wasn't attached to the building. The only things of interest were a small picnic table with some chairs, a few potted plants, and three ant hills that all seemed to be at war with each other.

Tex placed his water cup on the table.

"How'd it go?" Tala wondered.

"You guys talk about politics?" asked Barton.

"She wanted my opinion on interior decorating." Tex recited.

Junji cleared his throat. Tex looked over to see he was on his phone.

"The ants." said Junji. "What should we do?"

"We'll hire an exterminator." Barton replied. 

"Do we really gotta kill the ants?" Tex asked.

With a tiny scoff, Barton rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come on." Tex continued. "Three ant hills, that's prolly worth like two and a half chihuahuas."

"Or one normal dog." Tala added.

Barton crossed her arms over her chest.

"But really, I'm kinda with Barton on this one." followed Tala.

"How bout this." Tex replied. "Would y'all still think it was alright if a giant came down and--"

_"--smashed the earth so it would stop blocking his way even though he could have easily gone around._" Barton finished. "No, it wouldn't be alright. But we aren't the ones getting smashed."

Junji poked himself in the chin.

"Could we relocate the ants?" he asked.

"Oh, why do you care?" Barton replied.

"I like ants."

"What, to eat?"

Junji said nothing. Barton rubbed her forehead.

"I don't care what we do, as long as we're done by eight." she muttered.

"I know of a robot that might be able to help you." said Ying.

Tex looked over at Ying in surprise.

"I used to work with roboticists." Ying continued. "I've seen an ant robot that I believe we could use to relocate the ants."

Although Tex wasn't sure how an ant robot would be able to relocate ants, the look on Junji's face implied at least one of them understood.

"Are you talking about the Formicidae Micro-drone?" asked Tala.

"Yes." Ying replied.

"Perfect, it's only seven dollars on Amazon."

"We're not using Amazon." Tex cut in. "We're using eBay."

Barton cleared her throat. When Tex looked over, she tapped her wrist.

"Does eBay have drone delivery?" Tex asked Tala.

"No," Tala answered, "but we could buy a drone and the robot from the same person and have them fly it over."

They ended up using Amazon. 

It took about an hour for their package to float down to their exact location. To kill time, they played Uno on the little patio table and kept their feet up so the ants wouldn't bite.

Ying didn't join them.

"Will you tell me what you did in there?" Junji asked Tex as they cleaned up. "With Xuilan."

"What I did in there?" Tex replied as he resisted the urge to fan his face. "What did _you_ do in there?"

"What do you mean?"

"You gave her money."

"Oh."

Junji looked over his shoulder at his backpack.

"She did a few things for me." he started. "For one, she gave me information on what will be increasing and what will be decreasing in the stock market next month."

"That sounds like insider trading."

"Yes, it is insider trading."

Tex's attention was turned away from his conversation as Tala finished cutting the tape off the box they'd received. She opened the box to find a smaller box, which she then opened to uncover an even smaller one.

Inside the smallest box was a wad of bubble wrap. Tala carefully unraveled it to reveal a tiny robot. 

It was jet black and both the size and shape of a large ant. When Tex squinted at it, he saw that it was quite generic looking.

"Can we name her?" asked Tala.

"How about Anita?" Barton replied.

"Where's Anita's controller?" asked Junji.

_"Owww._" Tex said as a controller-sized box hit him in the head.

Junji insisted on being the one to control Anita. After taking a glance at the novella of an instructions manual, Tex decided not to complain.

They played another half hour of Uno while Junji patiently made his way through the instructions, one line at a time. Tala continued to deal Junji in and played for him.

"Are we ready?" Junji asked as he put the instruction manual neatly back in the box and picked up the controller.

Anita had been fitted with a tiny front facing camera. While Junji placed Anita on top of the largest ant hill, Tala used an app to connect her phone screen to the camera so Junji could see what Anita was seeing.

Junji fiddled with a few buttons on the remote, and Anita began to dig her way into the ant hill. Tex settled next to Tala so he could see too.

The ant world was foreign and jagged, filled with grains of dirt the size of boulders and more close-ups of ant faces than Tex had ever wanted to see. Anita scurried over everything from adult ants to larva capsules as she made her way down the labyrinth of a tunnel.

After about two minutes of searching, Junji found a large cavern near the bottom of the nest that housed a massive ant who was clearly the queen.

Before Anita could get too close to the queen, the queen turned on her heels and sprayed Anita down with some sort of mist. Worker ants immediately began to rush into the cavern and attack Anita. Junji did his best to continue forward, but gave up and retreated after an ant managed to tear off one of Anita's legs. 

"I've made a mistake." Junji said as Anita ran from the hive.

Junji carefully picked up Anita with the tweezers once she'd resurfaced. Tex followed with the others as Junji walked over to the smallest ant hill, just on the other side of the picnic table.

"I will try again." followed Junji.

The new queen that Junji found also sprayed Anita with a mist. The worker ants began to run for Anita, but instead of attacking her, they simply chose to try and shove her out of the hive.

"It would seem these ants are more ethically developed than the others." Junji mumbled.

Although the worker ants were effective, their smaller numbers allowed Anita to escape and make her way back to the queen. With the help of Anita's head cam, Tex had perfect view as she slayed the ant queen with her spiky arms.

Anita began to scoop out pieces of the dying queen and attach them to herself.

"Yes." Junji said happily. "I am a queen."

"Look, I don't ask and you don't tell, pal." Barton replied.

As Anita, covered in pheromones, stood tall before the worker ants, they slowly halted their panic. After less than a minute, they'd resumed their business as it had been.

"No." Junji ordered. "Follow me."

Junji used the controller to fly Anita out the way they'd came. Thousands of worker ants began to follow her. Tex was soon able to see ants both with the camera and in front of his eyes on the ground.

"We do not have the numbers to attack another colony the way we are now." said Junji. "However, I have something ants do not."

"Do you?" Tex replied.

Junji grabbed Tex's paper cup of water from the table and placed it on the ground. After picking the controller back up, he slowly coaxed a few hundred ants into lifting it up from the bottom. 

They were careful not to spill it.

It took the ants about twenty minutes to get the cup to the next colony. The colony was smaller than the first one, but larger than the second.

"Please surrender." Junji told the ants. "It will be easier that way."

The enemy ants continued to rush forward. With a little sigh, Junji used Anita's political influence to coax the friendly ants into spilling just a few drops of water.

Hundreds of enemy ants were swept away by the tiny flood. Still, they continued to attack.

"Unfortunate." Junji followed as he tipped over another few drops of the water.

Junji continued to use the water in small bursts to force the ants to run away, eventually allowing Anita to find an in and slay her second queen. Tex could tell he was doing his best to minimize casualties. 

Anita began to harvest the second queen's organs and add them to herself. By the time she'd finished, she was dripping with ant parts. 

Peace struck between the two colonies as the enemy ants learned that their queen wasn't gone, only absorbed into part of a super queen. Once he'd reined them in, Junji set out with Anita to attack the largest colony, the one he'd tried and failed to attack first.

It was purely a numbers game. With two colonies, Anita's army outmatched them. Tex did his best not to wince as ants on both sides began to rush forward to see who could sacrifice themselves for the greater good faster.

"Do not panic, we are only initiating take over." Junji said to the ants. "Please prepare to be absorbed." 

"I dunno how I feel about this." Tex muttered.

"This was the colony that tried to rip me apart instead of pursuing nonviolent resolution. I only want to teach them peace."

Junji watched his ant army fight with the eyes of a child and the contentedness of an old monk. Tex noticed his attention darting towards a collection of workers that used themselves to form a bridge with their bodies to create a shortcut between two rocks.

"What elegance." Junji muttered, his voice dripping with fondness. 

Tex wasn't sure elegant was the best way to describe the sight of thousands of tiny insects walking over the disembodied parts of their fallen friends, but he supposed Junji was entitled to his opinion.

"They do not even spend time mourning one another." Junji followed.

"God, they're like the Chinese." said Barton.

"You're a bigot." Tex replied, agreeing with her completely.

With the rest of the colony occupied, Junji found the queen and easily managed his way around the worker ants. She fell before Anita's feet as Anita took her third kill.

The ants unified, and Anita took off in flight.

"What will you do now?" Tala asked as Junji began to lead what was once three colonies, now one super colony, out of the yard and onto the sidewalk.

"Thrive." Junji replied.

"But you can't lay eggs. The ants will die out."

"I only have to find one more queen."

Just a few yards away from the building, Junji found another ant colony in a sidewalk crack.

Anita got about halfway there before the air next to her started to shift.

"Wait. Wait." Tala said as she put a hand on Junji's shoulder. "Turn Anita around." 

Junji turned Anita towards the shift. Through the cam, Tex caught sight of another flying ant who had been following Anita.

The ant was just sort of hovering there, staring with eyes filled with expectation. Tex wasn't sure why he suddenly felt so uncomfortable.

"I know that stance." Tala followed. "That's the 'dick out' stance."

"Aw, don't do that." Tex muttered to the ant he now knew to be male.

"I wanna see ant sex." said Barton.

"I do not want to see ant sex." Junji replied.

"Pleaaaase?" Tala begged. "It'll be educational."

With a little sigh, Junji slowed Anita down and took a rest on a leaf. The male ant scooted up next to her with a saunter.

"You ever think about how if you were an ant you'd want to fuck other ants?" asked Tala.

"Crossed my mind." Tex admitted.

"We should name the male ant." Barton said. "He seems worthy of a name."

"Matt." Junji offered.

"Think he looks more like a Shane." Tex replied.

"Settle for Shatt." Tala suggested.

Tex was unable to look away as Shatt lept dick first at Anita. Upon mounting her, he began to viciously hump her until his penis exploded, killing him instantly.

"The final nut." said Tala.

It was at that moment that Tex began to see Junji's point about the similarities between human males and females, although he had no intention of voicing it.

"Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we as Earth's dominant species had evolved from ants instead of monkeys." said Tala.

"We'd probably eat more kids." Barton replied.

Anita's army practically paved the way for her as she made her way inside the sidewalk crack and found the queen.

This time, she didn't kill the queen. Instead, Anita used her tiny arms to remove the ant organs from herself and place them onto the real queen.

"You are queen now." Junji explained to the ant.

After less than a minute, the massive ant colony had gotten to work on expanding their hive. Tex stopped being able to see what was going on as Anita, no longer recognizable, was ripped to shreds.

"We will tell Xuilan we are finished with the ants." Junji said as he put the controller in his bag.

They found Ying outside the front of Feng's building where she was waiting patiently for them. Tex didn't try to talk to her again as they rode the elevator back down to Feng's office.

Feng hadn't moved since they'd left. Tex was unable to look her in the eyes.

"Uno!" she greeted.

"...What?" Barton asked.

Feng pushed a few buttons on her remote. The screen behind her changed to a scene of the four of them playing Uno at the picnic table.

_"Uno._" the Tala on the screen said as she slapped down her second to last card.

"Uno!" Feng repeated happily.

"Uh, yeah, Uno." Tex nodded.

Feng sped through the footage of their Uno game, followed by the video of their shenanigans with the ants. It was clear from the picture that they had done their job, but Tex wasn't sure how he felt about being on tape.

Junji sighed and gave Feng another stack of gold coins from his bag. Feng deleted the footage.

Ying stepped forward when Feng gestured for her. Tex stared at the wall as they spoke.

"She wants a reminder on what you need with her tenant." Ying explained.

"We want him dead, and we need an hour or two in his apartment." Tex replied.

Ying relayed the message to Feng. 

Feng rubbed her finger under her lower lip. After a moment, she began to mess with the remote until her screen was back to showing the camera footage of her tenant's rooms. She then zoomed in on the one for room five-hundred and thirty-seven. 

There was now an occupant in the room, a balding, middle-aged man sitting on his bed. 

Feng pressed a few buttons on the remote. Tex watched the screen in awe as a tiny gun protruded itself through one of the fire sprinklers and fired an invisible beam that vaporized the man in less than a second.

"Whoa!" Tex shouted.

"Is that the Quantum Lòudòng?" asked Barton.

"Shì." Feng replied.

"Version two point three six, right?"

"Can we have the key now?" Tala pushed.

Feng handed Ying an envelope from her desk. Tex took and pocketed the envelope when it was handed to him.

There wasn't much else to go over. Feng gave them instructions on how the locks worked in her building and they were on their way to the elevators. The room they were looking for was on floor number five, but they stopped at the lobby first so that Ying could get out.

She didn't say goodbye.

"Did you see the way that guy died?" Barton asked Tex as she tugged on his shirt sleeve.

"Uhuh." Tex replied.

"The Quantum Lòudòng creates a surge of energy equal to the mass of whoever it kills so that it can delete them from existence without violating the laws of physics."

"...Alright."

Getting to their target's room was much easier than usual. It felt strange to slide a key actually meant for the lock into the door and push it open.

The apartment was about half the size of Tex's, which was concerning considering it seemed to be in one of the more lavish buildings. The computer took up half the floor, and Tex had to climb on the bed to make room for everyone to fit.

It smelled strange. Like someone had died. 

Tala took a seat at the foot of the bed, which also seemed to serve as the chair for the computer. She pulled an Ethernet cable from her bag and began to hook her laptop up to the computer.

"I dunno what I'm supposed to do." Barton said after she'd closed and locked the door. "There's nothing really to keep watch for."

"Give moral support." Tex replied.

"You've looked worse."

"Thanks."

Tex reached into Tala's bag and fished out the adapter. After sticking the green cord to the computer, he handed Junji one of the blue cords and stuck the other to his own forehead.

The window of the train car was dark. Junji popped into view a second later and gave Tex a little wave.

After sucking in a deep breath, Tex reached for the window.

"We have a problem." Tala said before his fingers could touch the screen.

"What?" asked Junji.

"The assets are corrupted."

"...Ah."

"What does that mean?" Tex wondered.

"Do you know what an asset is?" Tala replied.

"Course I do. It's like a--thing."

"An asset is kind of like a program within a program. If our universe is universe.wrld, you would be an asset called Tex.char or something." 

"Then what's the problem?"

"So usually, you have a bunch of character assets and you throw them in a pit of fire. But this guy had coded a bunch of character assets that are already on fire."

"Is that a--are they actually on fire?" 

Barton grabbed the suction cup from Tex and stuck it to her own forehead. She then jabbed her hand out and urged Junji to do the same.

"Replace 'on fire' with 'doomed to crawl across an endless sunbaked highway as grotesque, half-melted snail creatures, yes." said Barton.

"Oh, why would you tell me that?" Tex winced.

"Why do you gotta waste my time understanding everything? We're pulling the plug either way, and now I'm only gonna get eleven hours of sleep tonight."

"Anyway," Tala continued, "If we were to try to fix things in this world, I would have to edit the character assets themselves."

Tex looked over at Tala's laptop screen to see she had highlighted a section of code that seemed compartmentalized from the rest.

"So what?" asked Tex.

"Every time you edit an asset, the code needs to recompile." Tala replied. "So we wouldn't really be helping the person inside, we'd just be destroying them and creating another."

With a little pop, Junji pulled off his suction cup.

"So we are deleting the program?" he wondered.

"Yeah." answered Tala.

"Are you sure we don't want to consider things for a moment before we do that?"

Tex raised an eyebrow.

"What else would we do?" he asked.

"We could edit the assets and recompile the code." Junji replied.

Tex raised his other eyebrow.

"You don't guess that would be a little weird?" Tex pushed.

"Why would I guess that?"

"I don't really think it's our place to make life."

"Do you really want to recompile the code, Junji?" asked Tala.

"I'm not saying we should in this circumstance." Junji replied. "But there are other circumstances, and I don't think it's fair to write them off."

"Like what? What circumstance?"

"If you were given the chance to create a being that lived in the constant state of an orgasm multiplied with a heroin trip, would you not take it?"

"Please." Barton begged. "No more."

"I wouldn't wanna be blowing loads all the time." said Tex. "I'd get bored."

"I was speaking in shorthand." Junji continued. "Obviously, if we were to do this, we'd alternate the experience between plateaus and heroin orgasms." 

Tex studied Junji's face carefully to see he was completely serious.

"I dunno how I feel about that." he replied.

"Creating life?" Junji asked.

"Yeah."

"Fine. Don't have kids."

"...What?"

"Don't have kids."

"That's it, I'm finding out what meth does to me." Barton said as she pulled a syringe from her pocket.

"Barton, no!" Tex yelped.

Tala cleared her throat. Tex looked over to see that her laptop screen was blank. 

"I deleted the code." she announced. "Are you guys ready to go?"

Tex was ready to go, although not before he'd tried and failed to confiscate Barton's meth.

The ride home was lengthy but uneventful. Tex hadn't realized how spent he was until he'd taken a seat on the train.

"How's the return flight looking?" Tex asked Barton.

"We'll be about a half hour early." she replied.

"Alright."

"Could've been a whole hour early if we'd picked up the pace back there."

"Oh, what're you gonna do at the airport for an hour?"

"Sometimes I like to see how many times I can get through security."

Barton ended up being right about the timing. They boarded the plane a half-hour after they'd gotten to the gate, and Tex got his last look at Hong Kong through the airplane window.

"Can you believe we were in Hong Kong all day talking about one world governments and not a single person mentioned Hong Kong protests?" Tala asked Tex as the plane began to roll over to the runway.

Tex yawned and shrugged. He figured their adventure must have been drafted before the protests had become mainstream knowledge

He was fast asleep by the time the plane took off.


	12. Light a Candle For Me

It wasn't the best time for a mystery person to knock at Tex's door, but it was the time they'd chosen.

"Gimme a sec!" Tex called as he struggled to zip up his pants so he could face what he could only assume was an eviction notice.

It wasn't until Tex had started to open the door that he'd realized he'd left his material out on the coffee table. After biting the inside of his cheek, he settled for finishing with the door and praying that whoever it was didn't need to come in.

Junji was waiting on the other side with circles under his eyes.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

"Howdy." Tex replied.

"I would like to request your assistance." 

"Well, I was kinda in the middle of something."

"I need to break a few laws."

"...Keep talking."

"I need to go to Arkansas." 

In an attempt to grab his wallet, keys, phone, and gun at the same time, Tex tripped over both his feet simultaneously.

"You wanna go to Arkansas?" he asked as he collected his things. "Hell yeah, let's go to Arkansas. Let's go do illegal stuff in Arkansas."

"I--"

"When can we go?"

"I'd planned for next week but I suppose we can go today if--"

"Sounds good. If I drive and you buy the tickets, we can be on the train over in twenty minutes."

Junji cleared his throat. Tex slowed down just enough to realize he'd put his coat on backwards and shoved his gun into his sock.

"I will be needing a few guns." said Junji.

"I got guns."

"I was hoping I could get people attached to them."

Tex pulled out his phone and sent a message to his extended work group. He knew that he should have asked Junji a few more questions first, but he was more concerned about getting to the train station.

He waved Junji inside so he wouldn't have to wait in the hall.

**To Fellowship of Those Sharing Common Interests**  
anyone free for a mystery adventure in Arkansas?

** _Gamer Gril has changed group name to Commune_ **

**From Bianca**  
i can't go i have to go to the city council meeting and ask them not to raise property tax all the time every year

**From Luke's Wife**  
We were planning on conceiving

**From Bianca**  
conceiving what?

**From Caverly's Husband**  
A baby

**From Caverly's Husband**  
Like with my penis

** _Big Penised Cowfucker has changed group name to Fellowship of Those Sharing Common Interests_ **

**From Bianca**  
i thought you guys already had a kid

**From Luke's Wife**  
Why did you think that?

** _Gamer Gril_ ** ** _has changed group name to Merry Marxists_ **

**From Bianca**  
i thought Sean was your son

**From Caverly's Husband**  
Sean's black

** _Big Penised Cowfucker has changed group name to Fellowship of Those Sharing Common Interests_ **

**From Bianca**  
sean told me he was your kid

**From Bianca**  
when i asked how he said he was composed completely of recessive genes.

** _Gamer Gril_ **** _has changed group name to Was Mao Really So Bad?_ **

**From Bianca**  
why don't you two conceive in arkansas? you could find an abandoned farmhouse by the side of the road

**From Luke's Wife**  
That's a good point

** _Big Penised Cowfucker has changed group name to Tala Doesn't Wash Her Hands After She Pees_ **

**From Caverly's Husband**  
We'll come

"Alright." Tex said to Junji. "Luke and Cav--"

"What is this?" 

Tex looked over to see that Junji was pointing to a slip of paper next to a pen on the coffee table. White rushed to Tex's face when he remembered what he'd been doing.

"That's nothing." he replied.

Junji walked over to the coffee table and picked up the pen and paper Tex had left out. Both the pen and the ink on the paper were red, so it was unlikely Junji wouldn't make the connection.

"I see you've drawn the...outline of a woman bending over." said Junji.

"It was there when I got the table." Tex replied as he grabbed it from Junji and quickly shoved it into a drawer with the others.

Junji looked bored as Tex shooed the both of them out the door.

"What were the responses to your text?" Junji wondered. "I apologize for interrupting you."

Tex took a glance at Junji's face to see no indication that he was particularly put off. Tex didn't really understand, but he wasn't about to complain.

"We're meeting Luke and Caverly." he answered.

"Did you tell them to bring their guns?"

"Don't think I need to."

After Junji stopped by his room to grab his backpack, they met up with Luke and Caverly at the bus station. Just as Tex had hoped, they were all on the train in twenty minutes.

Traveling on high speed trains everywhere was pricey. Junji covered all four tickets.

"What are we doing in Arkansas?" Caverly asked.

"I have arranged a--business meeting." Junji replied.

"Oh."

"Although she can't see us until four, and it isn't even noon yet in Arkan--."

"It's _fine._" Tex cut in.

The train ride to Arkansas only took about ten minutes, but they were still about thirty miles away from the address Junji had written down. Zipcars were a little harder to come by in Arkansas, but Tex managed.

The only available cars were tiny electric compacts. No one felt like squeezing, so they ended up renting two separate ones.

"Least we can have our own adventures." Tex said as they examined the cars.

"Am I going with you?" asked Junji.

"Depends. You wanna go with me or them?"

Junji turned to Luke and Caverly. 

"What were you two going to do?" he asked them.

"Each other." Luke replied.

"I'll come with you two."

"We're consummating."

"I'll go with Dallas."

Tex adjusted the mirrors and seat while Junji ran over the time and address with Luke and Caverly. He bit back a smile when Junji climbed into the car.

"Surprised you didn't offer them your sperm." Tex said once Junji had shut the door.

"I don't have sperm."

"Uh--okay."

Wanting some freedom, Tex took off towards the address in a slightly different way than Luke and Caverly's car. Junji fell fast asleep one minute into the ride. Tex would have liked to talk, although driving through the countryside quickly proved itself more than enough to hold his attention.

When he found a grocery store that seemed to be the only one around for miles, he slowed down so fast that it knocked Junji out of his nap.

"Why are we stopping?" Junji mumbled as Tex parked the car.

"We're gonna get some groceries."

Tex stepped out of the car and breathed deep, taking in the scent of dried grass, dead skunk, and _Pray to End Abortion_ signs.

"Can I wait in the car?" asked Junji.

"No."

The store seemed to be local, so local in fact that its name was both unrecognizable and hand-painted over a brick layout. Junji walked slowly enough that Tex had to resist the urge to pull him along.

The non-automatic doors of the store led into a single department about a third of the size of Target. The store sold a variety of items, but cat food seemed to be a specialty.

"Now, there's a difference between an Arkansas accent and a Texas accent." Tex explained to Junji as he led him down an aisle. "An Arkans--"

"I can't tell your accent from Barton's."

"...I don't even know--what to say to that."

The line at the register was only a few people long. No one stepped behind them while they waited, and Tex got the impression the store was closing for a lunch break soon.

"Is there a reason you've not picked up any items?" Junji asked.

"Oh, yeah. Thanks."

Tex grabbed a random candy bar from the shelves near the checkout station.

"How long we got?" Tex wondered.

"It is twelve thirty now, so a little over three hours."

"Great. Then you won't mind if I'm a lil' chatty."

"But then I will have no one to talk to."

Tex nodded with sympathy.

"Sometimes in life, we have to deal with hard things and bad feelings." he replied. "Part of learning to be an adult means--"

Junji let out a noise of disgust loud enough to cut Tex off.

"You'll be fine." followed Tex. "Come on, we're almost up."

As she finished up with the people in front of them, the checkout clerk waved Tex forward. 

_'Please just call me--_' Tex thought as they made their way to the register. _'Just call me--_"

The checkout clerk was a cute, chunky woman who looked like she was in her early thirties. Tex placed his candy bar on the conveyor belt in deep anticipation.

"This gonna be all for you, honey?" the woman asked.

Tex wiped the tears from his eyes and cleaned the jizz from his pants before opening his mouth to respond.

"All I need." he replied.

The checkout clerk let out a chuckle. Tex read on her shirt that her name was Amillia.

"You from Texas?" she asked with a tiny smile.

"Born and raised."

"You making camp around here? Or were you one of the ones that moved after the..."

"I live in Seattle now."

Amillia's eyes lit up with interest.

"You're coming all the way from Seattle?" she pushed.

"Yeah, although--"

"What's it like?"

Tex shrugged.

"It's better than hell." he answered.

"Really?"

"But only cause, eventually, you die."

"Oooh. Why don't you move down here?"

There were many reasons Tex couldn't move to Arkansas, ranging from gun laws to business reasons to no one else wanted to. 

"Business reasons." Tex reluctantly replied. "Got me a little industry."

"Good on you. So then, what brings you down here and a--little to the right?"

"Oh, we, uh, we're roach exterminators. We're--"

Tex glanced towards Junji to see that he was endlessly walking face first into the drywall next to the door. 

"--here on a contracting deal." Tex finished.

Amillia shot a concerned glance in Junji's direction. 

"He's real tired." Tex explained as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Oh. You two in town for long?"

"I wish. We gotta be somewhere in about three hours, and we'll be on our way after that."

"Well if you're looking to kill some time, I'm off in about fifteen minutes. We could drive my truck in circles around my backyard if you want."

Tex could not think of anything in the world that he would like to do more. After glancing down at Amillia's left hand to make sure she wasn't married, Tex let his smile return to his face with full force.

"Dunno." he replied. "I don't usually circle the wagon with ladies as pretty as you."

Amillia covered her mouth with her hand while she laughed.

"Meet you out front?" she asked.

"Looking forward to it."

Tex almost forgot to grab his candy bar before leaving. On his way out the door, he collected Junji from the wall and led him back to the car.

"What happen?" Junji slurred as Tex unlocked the doors.

"I'm meeting Amillia for a date in about ten minutes."

"What am I supposed to do?"

Tex opened the candy bar and bit off a piece. After working a peanut out of the chocolate, he began to roll it over his tongue. 

"I think you should go inside." Tex said after they'd both situated themselves inside the car.

"Inside what?" asked Junji.

"Anything. There's a coffee shop, and a gun store, and a church--" 

"I don't want to."

"I really think you should go inside."

"I don't want to."

"Then you just gonna have to accept your fate."

Junji scowled and turned up his nose.

"You want me to accept my fate?" he asked. "Fine. I will accept my fate."

Tex watched as all signs of life left Junji's face and body, leaving behind the shell of a robot not yet given a mind. 

"Junji?" Tex asked.

Junji said nothing.

Tex gave Junji's arm a tiny poke. Junji didn't budge.

Tex gave Junji's nose a tiny poke. Junji didn't budge.

Tex gave Junji's eye a tiny poke. Junji didn't budge.

After checking Junji's pulse to make sure he wasn't dead, Tex decided to make the best of the situation.

"Alright, see you later." he said as he exited the car.

He left Junji with the keys.

Driving Amillia's truck around her backyard went well. Cooking a frozen pizza and using scissors to cut off slices went well. Smiling and nodding while Amillia talked about her opinions on illegal immigration went well. Having sex with Amillia in the barn while three of her five cats watched went well. 

Amillia was nice enough to give Tex a ride back to his car around three thirty, where she sent him off with a wave and a Tupperware of peach pie that her grandmother had made.

Tex was in a good mood as he walked across the parking lot to his Zipcar.

Junji's position and dead expression were exactly as they'd been when Tex had left, except his eyes were red and the car smelled like weed.

"Junji?" asked Tex.

Junji said nothing. Tex waved his hand in front of Junji's face.

_"Dou shita?!"_ Junji shouted.

Tex smacked a hand over his own chest and yelped in surprise.

"Oh." Junji followed with wide eyes. "Oh. Sorry."

"I'm back."

"I noticed." 

"Did you?"

Junji didn't reply as Tex rolled down the windows and started the car.

"How did you even do that?" Tex wondered.

"Years of self discipline." 

"That what that smell is?"

Junji pouted. Tex realized he had little ground to be snarky.

"Look, uh, thanks for taking the high road." said Tex.

"It's fine."

"And hey. I brought you something."

"What?"

Tex pulled out a box of non-perishable smoked salmon. Amillia had given it to him when he'd eyed it in her pantry, as she'd said it was an unopened Christmas gift.

"!!??" Junji asked.

"Here you go."

Tex tossed Junji the box. Junji tore through the paper with his teeth.

They found Luke and Caverly waiting outside a building that Tex assumed was their desired address. Tex parked his car next to theirs.

The building behind them was a single story white box that looked like any small business from the outside, although it lacked any description of services and had only been given the name 'Business Agency'.

"Did you conceive?" Tex asked Luke and Caverly.

"We won't know for a few weeks." answered Luke.

"Then I can use my Shaq pregnancy test." Caverly added as she held up[ a box](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/386280224431538176/647285304037867540/b0f.png).

"That is exactly what you said it was gonna be." Tex replied.

Junji led them all around to the back of the building to reveal another door. Before entering, Tex wiped his feet on a mat that read 'If you're looking to do business, and I mean any kinda business...'

Through the door was another door, this one cracked slightly open. Caverly reached it first.

"Can we just go in?" she asked.

"Sure." Junji replied.

Caverly peaked through the door. A moment later, she looked back at Tex with a significantly whiter complexion.

"Maybe this is a bad idea." said Caverly. 

Tex raised an eyebrow.

"You'll do fine." Junji replied as he walked in.

Caverly opened her mouth like she was going to argue but quickly closed it when Junji's body disappeared.

"Well, I guess Tex is in for a surprise." she muttered.

_'Please let it be aunt Jemima._' Tex thought as he followed Junji through the door. _'Please be--_'

Tex entered the room to see a middle-aged woman with red hair and bright blue eyes.

His jaw came open with a tiny pop.

"Oh my lord." the woman said the moment she'd looked up from a stack of papers on her desk.

"Lida?" Tex replied in disbelief.

In a clean flick of her wrist, Lida pulled a familiar J-frame revolver out of her hip holster and lined the barrel up between Tex's eyes.

Luke grabbed for his hip and Caverly grabbed for her purse. They both had their guns out and pointed in Lida's direction before Tex could finish putting his hands up.

"Point taken." Lida said as she holstered her weapon. 

"I take it you know this woman?" Junji asked.

"Know her?" answered Tex. "She stabbed me in the goddamn kidney."

Lida didn't reply. Tex grabbed a pen from his pocket and shoved it in his mouth before running his eyes over her office.

It was clear that Lida was doing pretty well for herself, just like she'd always said she would be. All four walls were decked out in antique handguns and quite a few paintings worth of Texas prison art, and a small round table to Tex's left held up a crystal stand for a champleve silver dial pocket watch.

It had been about three years since Tex had last seen her. She looked the same as he'd remembered her, with her freckled heart-shaped face, neat red curls, and, in layman's terms, big titties. 

Lida chuckled, quick and empty.

"Dallas Portemeñe Tex." she said slowly.

"Lida Candella Formé." Tex replied.

"How you been?"

Tex let out a dry scoff and let the tip of the pen in his mouth point at the floor.

"Oh, I've been swell." he answered. "Got a new business partner, got a new kidney--"

"Mercy killing ain't a business and you know it."

"I eat."

Lida's eyes darted to one of the finer handguns along her wall.

"Well, you could eat more." she said.

Tex shoved his thumb into his front pocket and took a few steps forward until he was about a foot away from Lida's desk.

"Maybe I could before you ripped out my stomach." Tex replied.

"Shoot, you still hung up on that? I weren't trying to kill you, just bankrupt you a little."

Tex didn't notice when Junji's gaze started to dart between him and Lida.

A second later, Junji leaned back against the wall and pulled out his smoked salmon.

"And how you doing?" Tex asked. "Still kicking puppies, or have you outgrown the habit?"

"Not sure. You a man yet? Or are you still half of one?"

Junji ate a bite of his smoked salmon.

"No, really." Tex pushed. "Whatcha been up to?"

Lida's eyes lit up with sickening pride.

"I run it." she replied.

"You run Arkansas?"

"Arkansas? I run Dixie." 

"Uhuh. And who do you run it for?"

Junji ate a bite of his smoked salmon.

"Some Italian guy." answered Lida.

"And who do he work for?"

"Don't know. Illuminati, oil, the DNC, goddamn Elsagate, I don't really care."

Junji ate a bite of his smoked salmon.

"Seattle women getting you down?" Lida followed.

"Two at a time."

"I've seen city girls. Reckon you'd need more than one."

Lida had a point. She was one of the first women Tex had seen in a while who didn't look horribly malnourished.

"Gives you something to relate to, though, don't it?" Tex replied. "Needing more than one."

"You say that like I was the only one with an eye on other men."

Tex's jaw set itself somewhere near a snarl. Lida was unaffected.

"...Damn." Caverly whispered.

"I was faithful." Tex said with high cheekbones.

"And so was I." Lida replied.

"Guess we got different definitions of faithful, then, sweetheart."

Junji ate a bite of his smoked salmon.

Out of the corner of her eye, Caverly began to eye Junji with suspicion.

"Junji, are you--" she stammered. "Are you getting off on the disfunctionality of this relationship?"

"That's disgusting!" Junji replied, visibly shaken. "That is not specifically what I'm getting off on!"

Junji seemed very puzzled when both Luke and Caverly began gagging.

"Junji, that's gross." said Luke.

"I don't understand." Junji stated.

"We're in public."

"I was sitting peacefully without any noise or indication that I was violently inflamed. Why would it matter if no one is aware?"

"But I was." Caverly replied. "Your pupils were massive."

Junji touched his chin.

"That's a good point..." he trailed off.

"What if he'd been wearing contact lenses to mask the size of his pupils?" asked Luke. "Would it've been alright then?"

Lida cleared her throat.

"What did you need from me?" she asked. 

Junji took a stand.

"I'm the one who spoke to you on the phone." he explained.

"That right?" Lida replied. "Apparently you were also the one who got all hot in the pants over my personal life."

"My deepest apologies for getting caught."

"It's alright. Can't say I mind too much, if I'm being honest."

Tex wasn't sure if Lida was trying to piss him off or just unwittingly following a trend that was already pissing him off, but either way, Tex was pissed off.

"So you're Tex's new business partner?" Lida asked Junji.

"Yes." 

"Small world. And I see you've met the twins?"

Luke and Caverly both looked over.

"How you two doing?" Lida wondered.

"We're doing pretty good." Luke replied.

"Have your economic opinions changed at all?"

"No, we're still both staunchly for corporate takeover."

Lida opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but quickly closed it and turned back to Junji.

"Anyway." she started. "What can I do you for?"

Junji pulled a blue thermos out of his backpack. It was clear from the yellow sticker it was the same one he'd had in Hong Kong, but when he opened it and began to carefully lay out the contents on Lida's desk, Tex could see the insides had been upgraded from gold coins to platinum.

Lida whistled.

"I would like you to work for me." said Junji.

Lida reached under her desk and pulled out a beaker and a small paper packet. Tex watch as Lida poured some water from her water bottle and mixed it with the contents of the packet. Once she'd finished, she fished out two coins, one from the center of the second box Junji had placed on her desk and one from the bottom of the last one. 

She used her pinkie nail to drop a bead of liquid onto both coins. Tex couldn't see what was happening, but Lida nodded.

"Alright." she replied. "Kill my old boss, and you got a deal."

Tex scowled and took a seat on the tiny round table. While Lida and Junji worked out the details, Tex reached a quick hand behind his butt, grabbed the pocket watch, and shoved it into his back pocket. 

He was still scowling by the time Lida and Junji had finished.

"Thank you, Mr. Tagawa." Lida said. "I'll shoot you a text next time the boss goes on vacation."

"I look forward to it." 

Junji stepped away. He seemed ready to go back to the car, but Tex knew that Lida wouldn't be able to resist getting one more word in.

"And goodbye to you, Dallas." Lida added. "I won't be hearing from you."

"Ooh, you're damn right there." Tex replied.

Lida waved her hand for them to leave. Tex flashed her one last dead smile before turning on his heels and setting his face in stone.

Tex had never liked the feeling that there was anyone out there who hated him.

The trip back was dead silent most of the way. Junji was asleep for both the car and train ride, so he didn't notice, but Tex suspected Luke and Caverly could both easily tell he was in a bad mood.

Although neither of them seemed interested in commenting.

Tex knew he needed something to take his mind off the day by the time they'd gotten on a bus to the city. Thinking quickly, he pulled out his phone to see if he could coax Tala into suggesting a meeting.

**To Garbage Band**  
Tala, you at the office?

**From Gamer Gril**  
yeah i'm emulating wii tennis

**To Garbage Band**  
why?

**From Gamer Gril**  
because my apartment is too small for motion controls

**To Garbage Band**  
how would you feel about an update meeting?

**From Gamer Gril**  
pretty good, actually. something came up

**From Gamer Gril**  
when can you get here?

**From Spoodge King**  
Dallas and I can be there in a few minutes.

Tex looked to the seat next to him to see that Junji was also on his phone.

Junji waved.

**From Gamer Gril**  
that's good. barton's already here

**To Garbage Band**  
hell's barton doing there?

**From Supreme Jackass**  
i'm watching Tala play wii tennis

**To Garbage Band**  
why

**From Supreme Jackass**  
idk i woke up here

**From Gamer Gril**  


**From Gamer Gril**  
SORRY WRONG CHAT

**From Supreme Jackass**  
what was the right chat

**From Spoodge King**  
Why are Dallas and I the only pair you don't ship?

**From Gamer Gril**  
I felt like that would be like if Jim and Dwight fucked and honestly some yaoi is just too advanced for me

**To Garbage Band**  
what's yaoi?

No one replied. Tex took it upon himself to Google yaoi. 

Tex stopped Googling yaoi.

To get to the office, Tex and Junji got off the bus a stop before Luke and Caverly. Tex felt bad about having gotten so worked up in front of them, but they both seemed more concerned about him.

"Take it easy, Tex." Luke said as he waved them goodbye.

"Take what easy?" Junji asked Tex after the bus had left.

"Uh, it's just a phrase." 

When they broke out into a quick jog towards their destination, Tex noticed his legs felt like they'd gotten stronger.

"Run, Forest, run!" a passerby shouted from across the street.

"Thanks, nobody's ever yelled that at us before!" Tex replied.

Tex kept up with Junji all the way up the stairs. He was out of breath by the time they walked into the meeting room, but he felt a little better about himself.

Tala was sitting at the table playing Wii Tennis for both teams. Barton was on the couch watching Tala play Wii Tennis for both teams.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

Tala stopped playing Wii Tennis. Barton pulled out a newspaper. Not wanting to hear how winded his voice was, Tex sat down and grabbed the folder sitting next to Tala's laptop instead of trying to talk.

"We have a spot in Canada." Tala said as Tex gave it a read. "I got the address and the guy's face from Google."

To Tex's deep relief, he saw that the target lived alone in a house. And considering how vacantly suburban the area around the house was, they'd probably be able to knock it out in an hour or two.

"How'd it go in Arkansas?" Barton asked from behind her newspaper.

Tex refrained from commenting.

"I closed my deal." Junji replied.

"Was the mob boss interesting at all?" Tala wondered.

Tex's eyes opened wide. He turned over his shoulder and tried to shoot Junji a desperate glance, but Junji'd opened his mouth before Tex had finished the gesture.

"Yes, actually." answered Junji. "Dallas says he was married to her at one point."

Barton spat out her mouthful of coffee onto the center of her paper, dying it a greyish-brown.

"You ran into _who?" _she asked.

Junji looked confused.

"Dallas' former wife." he repeated.

Tex kept his glance straight ahead as he felt Barton's eyes boring into him. 

"Dallas?" Barton started slowly. "May I speak with you in the hall?"

"Uh, not right now." Tex replied as he got out of his chair. "I have to go--um--shit myself."

Barton jumped from her chair just as quickly. Tex bit his lower lip to keep from whimpering as he started to pick up the pace, and then again when Barton started to match him.

By the time he'd passed the door frame he was running faster than he'd ever run in his life.

"Dallas?" Barton asked as she continued to gain on him. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

Tex made it all the way down the hall to the door of the staircase, which he whipped open before leaping forward. After hopping down two flights of stairs in three jumps, Tex bolted through the door of the next available floor.

Unfortunately, it only ended up prolonging the problem as he found himself being chased down another hallway.

"Dallas, you get the hell over here right now."

As he stormed down the hall, Tex noticed an open door coming up on his left. He dove into the open room the millisecond he was in range. When he landed flat on his stomach, he used his foot to kick the door closed from the inside. 

He shot up onto his feet to see that thankfully, the office was empty. He could hear Barton's hands trying to work the doorknob open from the other side. They might have succeeded if he hadn't flipped the lock in time. 

"I'm not letting you do this to me, Dallas." Barton spat from behind the door. "I'm still not over the hell you put me through three years ago."

Tex quickly searched the office he was in for another door that led into the hall. He found one about ten feet to his left, but Barton came charging at him when he tried to open it and he was forced to shut it with a yelp.

He grabbed his chest and squeezed his eyes shut the second after he'd locked it. Tex stood still against the door for several long minutes, clutching his chest with his hands while his thighs trembled against the frosted glass.

Barton probably could break either door down, but she proved herself unwilling. When her shadow started to walk off away from both doors, Tex let out a sigh of relief.

Although he breathed it back in a moment later when her shadow passed by in the opposite direction. When she walked by the second door before turning around again, Tex realized she was patrolling.

It took about five hours, but Tex eventually managed to work up the courage to make his move and memorize Barton's walk patterns well enough to evade her sight and escape down the staircase.

Tex's heart was still pumping even after he'd gotten home and locked his door. He had several missed text messages, but thankfully, none of them were from Barton.

**From Spoodge King**  
What happened?

**From Spoodge King**  
Dallas?

**From Spoodge King**  
You've been shitting yourself for quite some time now, are you alright?

Tex poured himself a cup of juice before sending his response. It was around the time he usually went to bed, although the adrenaline coursing through him made him doubt he'd be able to sleep anytime soon.

**To Spoodge King**  
yeah. just got a little caught up

**From Spoodge King**  
I'm sorry. I did not think the information I shared would make certain people

**From Spoodge King**  
react in such a way.

**To Spoodge King**  
it's alright. no way you could've guessed it

Tex didn't realize just how thirsty he was until his first sip of juice turned into a gulp.

**From Spoodge King**  
May I ask for some context?

**To Spoodge King**  
i don't really wanna talk about it

**From Spoodge King**  
I understand.

**To Spoodge King**  
i'm feeling a little winded. you wanna watch a movie?

**From Spoodge King**  
Can I choose the movie?

**To Spoodge King**  
guess I chose last time, so fair's fair

**To Spoodge King**  
though i don't wanna watch something in japanese

**From Spoodge King**  
Hmm. There are quite a few English movies I've enjoyed.

**From Spoodge King**  
One of my favorite films is in English, in fact. Have you ever heard of Naked Lunch?

**To Spoodge King**  
ain't a porno, is it?

**From Spoodge King**  
No.

**From Spoodge King**  
You'll enjoy it.

Tex did not enjoy Naked Lunch.


	13. Interpersonal Conflicts

"Yain't!" Tex shouted the moment he’d woken up.

Tex had barely zipped up his pants by the time he'd stormed out his front door.

_'Yain't_.' Tex thought to himself while he waited for his teriyaki to be ready.

He didn't usually order food, but he considered the day to be a special occasion.

"Yain't." Tex muttered as he lied on his tax forms.

Waiting for six proved itself to be difficult, but Tex managed. After spending a few moments alone with himself in front of the bathroom mirror, Tex emerged into Bianca's office five minutes late to ensure that everyone else had already arrived.

"Oh, hey Tex." Luke greeted.

"Mhh." Tex replied as he made his way over to the white boards.

Tex had felt that people had started to stand a tenth of an inch closer to each other every meeting since Junji had shown up. It never made Tex particularly comfortable, but for once, he was in too good of a mood to care about the lack of space between Caverly's hand and Junji's arm.

"Whoa, Tex, you look happy." said Sean. "Did you try out the post-nut clarity I recommended?"

"Mhm."

The chatter in the room died as Tex erased the most previous argument from the white board. Which was good, as it meant he didn't have to clear his throat to get everyone's attention.

"Is there something on your mind?" Bianca asked.

"Hell yeah there is." Tex answered. "May I get a moment of your time?"

Everyone looked a bit confused, but they all broke away from their personal conversations and sat down in a semi-circle fashion. Tex happily picked up a marker. He'd never given a presentation before, but his idea was too good for him to be nervous about anything ever again.

"What kinda presentation is this?" Caverly wondered.

"A proposal." Tex replied.

Although he could feel everyone's eyes on him, Tex could tell that Junji was especially interested in what he had to say.

"Since the dawn of time," Tex started as he took the cap off the marker, "we've been saying 'you' and 'ain't' in the order 'you ain't' to mean 'you are not', followed by the noun or verb that the you is not."

Tex drew the letters YAIN on the board before realizing that he’d written too large to finish the word. After erasing his first attempt, Tex wrote the letters YAIN'T on the board slightly smaller.

"However, there ain't nothing stopping us from slamming these words together and cutting out the middle man." he followed.

Caverly raised her hand.

"Could you give us an example of 'yain't' in a sentence?" she asked.

"Yain't worth shit." Tex answered immediately. "Yain't gonna get my taco. Yain't ever gonna see me or my titties again."

"Why is yain't so angry?" Tala mumbled.

Junji touched his chin.

"He is right that it could save us time..." he trailed off. "Perhaps adopting this particular aspect of Southern Jive is within our best interest."

"Everything's more efficient in the South." Tex said happily. "Don't guess there ain't never been a'no doubt about it." 

Tex's presentation was met with a round of applause and a promise from everyone that they'd consider integrating 'yain't' into their vocabularies. Once he'd cleaned the board, Tex retired to the snack table and leaned up against the wall with a plate of crackers and cheese.

Something was off about the way his butt felt against the wall. He reached into his back pocket to discover a champleve silver dial pocket watch.

"Hell did I get this?" he muttered.

As he put the watch back in his pocket, Tex noticed Bianca was trying to catch his eye. Junji, however, came over before Tex could meet her gaze.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

"Hey.” Tex replied. “You like my presentation?"

"I did. I'm quite fond of cutting corners for the sake of--"

Junji paused for a moment to shudder.

"--efficiency." he finished.

"That your kink?"

"That and vomit."

As much as Tex was dying to talk more with Junji about all the things that made his dick hard, his brain was stuck wondering why Bianca had been trying to get his attention.

"You mind if we continue this conversation later?" asked Tex.

"That might be difficult."

"Why?"

"I didn't have anything else to say."

"...I'll talk to you later, Junji."

Junji hummed in agreement and left for the snack table with an expression of contentedness. Before Tex could even think about how to approach Bianca, she made her own way over.

Tex resisted the urge to fix his bangs.

"Hey." she greeted.

"Uh, howdy."

"How are you doing? I don't think I've ever seen you so excited before as when you were up there."

"Never had anything to get so excited about."

Bianca responded with a laugh that was so happy Tex couldn't help but join her.

"Would you like to go for a walk with me?" Bianca asked.

Tex nearly choked on his next inhale, but he didn't let it show.

"Yeah." he replied. "Sounds nice."

Bianca led the way out the door of her office. Tex's curiosity had mixed with his anxiety to create an unpleasant cocktail by the time they'd stepped into the hall. 

"You alright going outside?" she wondered.

"Let's do it."

The front door of the building wasn't far from the hallway. Tex let Bianca stay in the lead once they got outside.

"Sure is a nice day out." said Tex.

"It's seven pm in March."

"I like the dark."

If Bianca was leading them anywhere in particular, Tex couldn’t tell. Even though it was dark, traffic clogged the crosswalks on either side of their block.

The lack of conversation was making Tex uncomfortable.

"Were there something you wanted to talk about?" he asked.

"There was something I wanted to ask, if that's alright."

"Course it's alright. Whatcha got for me?"

Bianca waited for the car across from them to finish with its left turn before responding.

"We've known each other for about five or so years now," she started, "and--"

"Jeez, it's been that long?"

"--but I realize, I've never told you how much I respect you all for risking your lives every week."

Tex surprised himself when the tips of his ears heated up.

"I wouldn't say we're risking our lives." he replied.

"Your incomes, then."

"You know, I just realized. This ain't really a question."

"We'll get to my question."

Tex had no idea what _that_ could mean.

"Thanks for thanking me, but I wouldn't consider it much of a sacrifice." he admitted. "This is kinda my dream job, if I'm being honest."

"Well, what made you want to do it?"

"Just, the idea of somebody--torturing something that can’t die, that's kinda the--"

"Worst thing that could ever happen?"

"Yeah! Yeah. It is."

While Tex's chest swelled with happiness, his mind wandered back to about half a decade prior.

"I was a wreck when I first found out people were doing it." said Tex.

"A wreck?" Bianca asked.

"I couldn't sleep, or eat. I ended up losing twenty pounds. My wife thought I was a madman."

"Yeah, I heard she wasn't supportive."

"Lida's not happy running a business unless it's making a profit."

"...I think a business has to make a profit for it to be a business."

"Then what the hell do I run?"

"Not a business."

Bianca's voice was pleasantly judgmental. Tex replied with a tiny snicker.

"What?" she asked.

"You kinda sound like her."

"Can’t say that’s a good thing, considering the other thing I wanted to ask."

"Which was what?"

"How would you feel about having sex with me?"

Tex inhaled a mouthful of saliva into his lungs. Immediately, he turned away from Bianca so he wouldn't have to face her as he bent over and coughed until he couldn't breathe.

"Are you okay?" asked Bianca.

_"Mm fine._" 

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you would..."

Bianca trailed off as Tex let out a few deep breaths. After a few more fleeting coughs, he managed to remember how to push and pull air into his lungs.

When he turned around to face Bianca, he still couldn't look her in the eyes.

"Uh--what did you ask me?" he coughed.

The chuckle that Bianca replied with sounded suspiciously endeared. 

"I asked if you wanted to have sex with me." she answered.

"Why did you ask that?"

"I find you attractive."

Tex coughed just one more time.

"Does Dan know you're asking me this?" he asked.

"Yeah." answered Bianca. "It was Dan's idea."

"...What?"

"Dan knew I was attracted to you. At first he didn't like the idea, but then he decided it would be better for my relationship with him if I asked you instead of spending the rest of my life wondering 'what if'."

"Are you--are you still attracted to Dan?"

"Of course. I love Dan."

"You're attracted to two people?"

"I'm attracted to a lot of people. In different ways."

Tex couldn't believe it. He didn't even want to know the amount of time he'd spent thinking about Bianca being interested in him, and the threat of forgetting how to breathe again was strong.

"Can I kiss you?" Bianca asked.

"Sure, but you only got about twenty seconds before I pass out."

Bianca was still laughing when she brought her hands up to cup his face. The only thought Tex had as she pulled him in was that he wished he could've been more helpful.

It wasn't a long kiss, but it was soft enough to send a little shiver down Tex's spine. When Bianca pulled back with a tiny pop, Tex found he could still feel the imprint of her lips on his mouth.

She smelled like just the right amount of laundry detergent.

"That was--that was fun." Tex stammered.

He hadn't even realized he'd reached for Bianca's waist, although he had little interest in removing his hands.

"We could do it again." she suggested.

"We could do that."

Bianca's eyes were wide with expectation, but suddenly, all that Tex could think about were consequences.

His face fell when he remembered what was around Bianca's finger.

"I can't." he muttered.

"Huh?"

"I just can't. I'm sorry. This feels wrong."

"That's alright. You don't need to be sorry."

Bianca wasn't smiling anymore, but she didn't seem upset. Tex wished he could relate as he let his hands fall from her back.

"I'm sorry." he repeated.

"It's alright. It's not a big deal."

Tex didn't let it show on his face, but Bianca's words stung.

"Do you need a moment alone?" asked Bianca.

"...It'd be nice."

"Alright. I'll leave you be."

Bianca stepped away. Tex suddenly felt very cold.

"Wait." he said before she could turn around.

"Hmm?"

"Are we okay?"

"Of course we're okay. You're still my friend."

Tex didn't say anything. Bianca gave him one last look before turning around.

"If I don't see you tonight, I'll see you next Wednesday." she said as she started to make her way back.

Tex continued to stare straight ahead, having no intentions of watching her leave. 

He felt like he needed to unload on someone. Preferably someone at the gathering. His first thought was Junji, but he wasn't about to talk to another man about girl problems.

Tex grit his teeth and pulled out his phone when he realized what he had to do.

**To Gamer Gril**  
can you come out to the hallway?

By the time Tala replied, Tex had migrated back inside the building.

**From Gamer Gril**  
what's going on?

**To Gamer Gril**  
need your help

**To Gamer Gril**  
i'll explain in person

**From Gamer Gril**  
give me a minute

Tala stepped out of Bianca's office. The moment she'd appeared, Tex motioned for her to follow him into the single-occupant men's room.

"Gross." Tala said as Tex closed the door. "Why do you have to be so secretive?"

"I'm having a crisis." Tex grunted.

"Did you shit yourself again?"

"When did--no, Bianca just came onto me."

Tala didn't even blink.

"Okay." she replied.

"And I turned her down."

"It would be weird if you hadn't."

Tex rubbed his temples.

"What's your advice?" asked Tex.

"Well, you liked her for a long time, and when she finally showed interest in you, you realized you couldn't go through with it. You're obviously feeling vulnerable and empty, so you should probably fuck the first person you see."

Tex scoffed and shook his head.

"How many people do you think wanna fuck me?" he wondered.

"Twenty-six."

"...What?"

Tala began to count on her fingers.

"There's the ticket woman at the train station," she started, "the guy who rides the twenty-one and always walks around with his colored pencil drawings of furries, the Japanese lady who runs the teriyaki place, and her husband wants to watch, so I counted that as a half--"

"The one on California Avenue?" Tex cut in.

"No, the one in Jefferson square, although the one on California is run by a guy who says he'd pick you if he had to have sex with a man, which I counted as another half--"

"Was wondering how it was gonna end up being an integer."

"And also, every member of the Log Cabin Republican club."

"Every member?"

"Yeah. They call you 'Tex on a stick'."

Tex hadn't even known that there were twenty-six people in Seattle who knew who he was.

"Why do everybody wanna screw me so bad?" he asked.

"Because people are tired of men in skinny jeans."

"...Oh."

"Also you have a big ass."

Tex yelped and backed into the wall as quickly as he could.

"I don't have a big ass!" he hissed.

"Hey, I wasn't the one who said it."

"Yes, you were."

"That's a good point."

Tex closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead until he'd calmed down. To his surprise, he found himself continuing to humor Tala's idea.

"Look." Tex started. "Just cause somebody wants to screw me don't mean I could get them to at a moment's notice."

"You could probably get Junji to."

"Why do--why do you think that?"

"He had sex with me when I was trying to rebound."

Tex's eyes widened into circles.

"You let Junji fuck you?" he asked.

"Yeah, I found out he knows how to backwards long jump up the stairs to Bowser's castle." answered Tala.

"What?"

"They didn't put a cap on backwards momentum. So if you face down the stairs and jump--"

"That's not why I said 'what'."

"I know I just really wanted to make sure you knew I knew how to do a backwards long jump."

Tex grit his teeth so hard it hurt. Tala let out a tiny groan.

"You're not going to flip out, are you?" she asked.

Tala's voice wasn't quite exasperated, but it seemed to be getting there.

"I need to go talk to somebody." said Tex.

"Oh, come on, don't--"

Tex was already in the hall by the time Tala had finished her sentence.

Thankfully, she didn't follow him.

By the time Tex had gotten back to the meeting, he'd unconsciously tied his coat around his waist. Bianca was talking to Sean, although Tex thought it best not to pay too much attention.

Junji was engaged in a conversation with Caverly. They both looked up as Tex made his way over.

"Hello." Junji greeted. "We were just discussing--"

"Man, that's great." Tex replied. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Junji's mouth tightened into a line. Caverly's gaze darted between the two of them for a long moment before she took a few side steps away.

Tex got the feeling he was going to regret being rude later, but it wasn't later yet.

"Would you like to step out?" Junji muttered.

"Reckon I would."

Although he was reluctant, Junji followed Tex out of Bianca’s office. Tex couldn't see any signs of Tala in the hall, but he pulled Junji into the women's room instead of the men's to be safe.

"Have I done something wrong?" Junji asked after Tex had shut them in.

"I dunno. Did you have sex with Tala?"

Junji's face turned to stone.

"Yes." he answered.

"How could you do something like that?"

Junji didn't seem to understand the question.

"Are you upset with me?" asked Junji.

"Hell yeah I'm upset. She's way too young for you."

"She's twenty-six."

"So?"

"I'm twenty-nine."

In about a tenth of a second, Tex subtracted twenty-six from twenty-nine. When he ended up getting only three, he spent another two tenths of a second putting the number twenty-nine on top of twenty-six, subtracting six from nine, and adding it to the sum of twenty minus twenty to get three again.

He wasn't sure why, but he hadn't realized Junji was nearly a decade younger than him. 

"You still shouldn't sleep with your coworkers." said Tex.

"I disagree."

"Course you do."

"We were intimate a few times until she started dating someone, over a month ago. She understood that I didn't intend for it to lead anywhere, and the same was true in the reverse. Our friendship did not suffer in the slightest."

As skeptical as Tex was, he couldn't deny that Junji's relationship with Tala seemed solid. 

"Anybody else you rolled around with?" Tex asked.

"I don't see how that is any of your concern."

"Anybody you ain't rolled around with?"

"You."

"Yeah, and it's gonna stay that way."

Junji let out a short exhale and looked at Tex like he was a child. After replaying his words in his head, Tex realized that he deserved it.

Although it was far from enough to make him consider backing down.

"Why are you upset with me?" Junji wondered.

"Why am I upset with you?" Tex spat. "Cause everyone's been acting batshit since you came along."

"Batshit?"

"They're all--standing close together, talking about sex--"

"I've offered a superior way to live, and the free market has spoken."

Tex's jaw snapped itself into an expression of aggravation.

"I'm not forcing people to do anything." followed Junji.

"Really? Cause I get the feeling that you might change your mind on that once the whole dictator thing works out for you."

"And the whole dictator thing has not yet worked out."

Tex felt his jaw soften. 

"I'd thought you'd noticed." Junji continued.

Tex sighed and began to rub his eyes under his glasses. He desperately wanted comfort, but he did his best to suppress the urge.

"What are you afraid of?" asked Junji.

Junji's voice was less biting than it had been. Tex stopped rubbing his eyes to see that his vision had been tinted slightly yellow.

"Don't feel like there's much of a point in making an argument." Tex answered.

"Why not?"

"Cause I know you'll make a better one."

Junji cracked a smile.

"That does not make me right." he replied.

Tex let out a happy scoff. It was a relief when the last of his anger dripped away.

Still, he turned on the cold water and rubbed some on his face before he spoke up again.

"Look, I don't like how you've changed things." Tex started. "But I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"I understand."

"And I'll admit, I might be a little heated for some, uh, personal reasons."

"Oh. Would you like to discuss them?"

Junji’s eyes were open and inviting. Tex felt his mouth twist to the side as his mind ran over his encounter with Bianca.

"You know what?" answered Tex. "Sure."

Although he was silent as Tex gave him the story, Junji's eyebrows flicked up at all the appropriate times. As strange as it felt for Tex to talk to Junji about such an intimate problem, his hesitations were overpowered by his curiosity towards what Junji’s opinion on the situation would be.

Junji nodded once Tex had finished talking.

"I think you made the right decision." Junji stated.

"You do?"

"Yes. It would've been dishonest for you to let her pursue you. You wanted more than she did, and what you wanted was unsustainable."

Tex was glad to hear Junji's words, less because they were informative and more because he was glad to know Junji was able to understand the concept.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Junji asked.

"Not really. Just kinda sucks."

"Yes, sometimes things do that."

Tex couldn't think of anything else to say. Too much silence passed between the two of them to be comfortable.

"Well, I must be going." Junji said as he hiked up his pant leg, pulled a long knife from his bag, and slid it into a holster fixed to his ankle.

"You gonna go kill somebody?"

"No one you would be fond of."

"You need help?"

"No, but I appreciate your offer."

Junji waved goodbye as he left the bathroom. Tex needed about a minute and a half to collect himself before he felt ready to leave.

Caverly glanced at Tex out of the corner of her eye as Tex entered the meeting room, and fully met his gaze when he made his way over.

"Hey, uh, sorry about that." he said to her.

"It's okay." she replied. "Are you and Junji alright?"

"Yeah. Just a...weird misunderstanding."

Bianca was still talking to Sean. Tex caught his first look at her face since their walk.

Out of all the things he thought he might feel, complete indifference came as a shock.

"Where'd he go?" asked Caverly.

"Junji? He had to go--money laundering."

Up until that moment, Tex had never thought about why he'd been attracted to Bianca. When he found himself unable to come up with any answers that weren't superficial, he began to suspect that it had just been loneliness. 

It wasn't a good suspicion.

"Think I'm gonna dip, I'm feeling kinda tired." Tex said. "Could you tell Tala I said I'm sorry?"

"Uh, sure."

"Thanks."

Tex grabbed himself a full cup of wine before leaving Bianca's office. In the elevator ride back to his room, he knocked the whole thing back.

The last text he'd sent to Lida was four years prior, telling her he never wanted to talk to her again.

He wondered how she'd respond to another message.


	14. 🎄Nightmare Before Gunmas🎄

"Lookit this picture of my mama." Tex ordered with a wave of his wallet.

"That is a Q-tip." Junji replied.

Tex looked down at his hand to see he was holding a Q-tip.

"Hang on, I keep it in one of the back pockets under the Safeway card." Tex said as he tried to open the Q-tip.

"How much pain killer were you given?”

Just an hour prior, Junji had taken Tex to a surprisingly professional black market operating room, where he'd had a tiny box installed in his brain stem that upon being fed a proper series of thought commands would activate a laser grid which would reduce him to cubic millimeters in less than a second.

He'd also been given copious amounts of anesthesia.

"Give me your keys." Junji stated.

Tex examined his surroundings to see they were at his front door. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and handed them to Junji.

"This is a firearm." followed Junji.

"It's the key to my heart, baby."

"And I'm keeping it."

"No!"

"Give me your keys."

Tex scowled and handed Junji his keys.

"This is another Q-tip." Junji said.

Tex removed his pants and handed them to Junji. Junji fished the keys from the front pocket before giving the pants back to Tex.

"Why'd you give me these?" Tex asked as he examined the unfamiliar pair of jeans.

Tex was promptly pulled inside his apartment when his door was opened. While Junji shut the door and locked it, Tex took it upon himself to lie face down on the floor and hug the carpet.

_"Mama._" he muttered.

"Do you have any other weapons in your apartment?"

"......No."

Tex felt a weight drop on his back. He turned over to discover Junji had tossed his jeans towards him.

In an attempt to put his pants back on, Tex wound up with a pant leg wrapped around his neck.

"I have decided I don't trust you alone with yourself." said Junji.

"Gimme my gun back."

"It will be returned when you are no longer inebriated."

Tex turned back into the floor and frowned. He didn't like the feeling of being so far away from his gun, especially on Christmas.

Christmas!

Tex's eyes snapped open with a sudden idea, allowing him to get a close look at the fibers of his carpet.

"Juji." Tex said to the ground.

"That is not my name."

"If you're gonna take my gun, you gotta do something for me."

"What do you need?"

"Read me a story."

Junji sighed.

"What story?" he asked.

"Go to my bed. There's a lockbox under my mattress. Use the keys to open it."

Junji didn't seem happy about what he was being requested to do, but he did it anyway. About half a minute after Junji's feet had disappeared, Tex heard a clicking sound from the direction of his bed.

"I’ve found a stack of papers." Junji said as he came back. “You seem to have written on them.”

"Listen to my tale."

"They say 'DO NOT READ' on the front. Are you sure you're comfortable with me reading this?"

"It's fine."

"I am not sure if _I'm_ comfortable."

Tex frowned.

"But it's Christmas." he pleaded.

"It's April."

"What else are we gonna do?"

"...That's a good point."

Tex could hear a shuffling sound as Junji sat down on the couch and started to sift through papers.

_"How the Grinch Stole Gunmas._" Junji read. "You wrote a Christmas story in April?"

"I wrote it in March."

While Tex gave the carpet a loving nuzzle with his cheek, Junji cleared his throat and began to read.

|

Dallas Portemeñe Tex knew something was wrong from the second he'd woken up.

|

Junji stopped reading after a mere one sentence.

"We need to talk about your name." said Junji.

"No." Tex replied with a frown.

"So your mother's surname was Portemeñe, which is your middle name, and then you changed your nickname to your last name."

"I guess."

"What was your father's last name?"

"Fortworth."

|

It didn't take him long to figure out what it was, either. Something was off about his pillow. After giving his eyes a quick rub, he lifted it to see that his handgun was gone.

|

"Ahh!" Tex yelped.

Junji stopped reading.

"Sorry, got scared." Tex followed. "Keep going."

|

Panic began to set in for Dallas as he thought about the night before. He had a clear memory of putting his gun away, which made him only assume the worst.

He searched his apartment twice. Nothing.

**From Supreme Jackass**  
anybody seen my gun?

**To Garbage Band**  
you too?

**From Supreme Jackass**  
what do you mean

**From Gamer Gril**  
you two obviously ain't seen the news

**To Garbage Band**  
what news?

**From Gamer Gril**  
every gun in Seattle just disappeared

**To Garbage Band**  
hell they go?

**From Gamer Gril**  
they fizzled out of existence

**From Gamer Gril**  
it's a christmas miracle

**To Garbage Band**  
more like christmas fearicle

|

"Why'd you stop?" asked Tex.

"I wanted to inform you that your joke was physically painful for me to read."

|

**From Spoodge King**  
I would like to inform you that your joke was physically painful for me to read.

|

"Damn it." Junji followed.

|

Dallas darted his eyes around his apartment. For the first time in years, he no longer felt safe in his place of residence.

**To Garbage Band**  
this might be a little problematic for us

**To Garbage Band**  
we gotta figure something out

**From Gamer Gril**  
let's not talk about it here

**From Gamer Gril**  
how does eleven sound?

They ended up agreeing on eleven, which gave Dallas enough time to catch a bit of the news as he made his way out the door.

_"...all guns within the city limits have vanished,_" one news anchor said to the other, _"and reports popping up from King County show that any attempts to pass firearms into the city limits have resulted in the immediate disintegration of said firearms._"

_"It's a Christmas miracle, huh?"_ the other replied.

_"Sure is. Seems that through the power of wishing, locals have managed to alter the laws of physics._"

_"Guess murder's just over now for them, huh._"

_"Yup. Reckon the rest of the country could follow in their footsteps, if they got the will. We could be a gun free nation by sundown._"

Dallas shivered at the thought. He grabbed a pocket knife before he left. Although Junji wasn't waiting for him at the bottom, Tex decided to run to work anyway and even made it up the staircase.

He opened the door to see Tala and Barton.

"Hey look everyone, it's Tex and his normal sized ass!" Tala greeted.

"You're late." Barton grunted.

"Sorry." Dallas replied. "Got distracted by the news."

Atop Tala's lap was a stuffed Barney the Dinosaur toy. Dallas hadn't noticed it when he'd come in, but he could no longer stop noticing it after seeing it once.

"Hell'd you get that thing?" he asked.

"My weird uncle Elan gave me it for Christmas." Tala replied. “I don't really know what to do with it."

Dallas had never met any of Tala's family, but he'd always been curious.

"What're we supposed to be talking about?" followed Tala.

"How to kill people without guns." Barton answered.

Considering the fact that they'd broken a neck, punched someone to death, and almost used a lethal injection all since Junji had joined, Dallas wasn't too worried about it.

"We got options." he replied. "Harder options, but they're there."

"I'm more worried about the country." said Barton. "Last time the hippies got their way, they had a concert so big you had to shit in the woods and then they bragged about it for a hundred years."

Tala scoffed.

"Y'all talk and talk about how the government is gonna walk all over us if we don't got guns." she replied. "But you know what else might not happen? Public shootings, police brutalities--"

Barton snored. Dallas looked over to see that she'd fallen asleep.

"Barton, quick!" he said as he shook her awake. "The Chinese are coming up the stairs!"

"Hwaa--ahh!" Barton yelped as she pulled up her shirt and reached into her shoulder hole, only to realize there wasn't a gun.

Dallas watched as panic grew in Barton's eyes before quickly turning into irritation.

"Don't do that." Barton said as she kicked Tex's foot.

|

"Wait." Junji muttered as his reading came to a halt.

"What?" asked Tex.

"Why did you change your name to Tex? You called yourself Dallas before."

"I started writing this thinking I was just gonna call myself Dallas, cause it sounded all proper and such, but then I realized it ended with an 's'."

"Why does that matter?"

"Cause if you're doing a possession of a name that ends with an 's', you gotta put the little thing at the end of the name instead of doing it and then the 's'. Didn’t like the way it looked."

"What a reason."

|

There was a little jostle as the door knob started to move. A moment later, the door opened to reveal Junji.

"Ahh!" Barton and Tex both yelped.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

Barton breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank god." she muttered. "It's just the Japanese."

Junji took a seat at the table next to Tex and put his feet up in Tex’s lap. Tex promptly removed them.

"You hear the news, Junji?" said Tex. "We ain't allowed to use guns no more."

"Yes." Junji replied.

"You sure?" Tala asked Junji. "Reckoned you'd look a little more down about it."

|

"Does everyone talk like this in your mind?" Junji wondered.

"Talk like what?"

"Never mind."

|

"I am a spectacle of both a physical and meta-physical nature. I've no need for such a primitive technology as firearms to commiteth thine homicides."

|

"Kutabare." Junji swore.

|

"He's full of shit." Barton replied. "Gun beats Bruce Lee every time."

"Where'd you learn that?" asked Tex.

"We watched one of them Kung-Fu movies in college."

"You went to college?"

"Yeah, I got a degree in the History of Wars Between September 1st, 1939 and September 2nd, 1945."

"What did you study, Tex?" Tala asked.

"Uh, huh." Tex stammered.

"He studied how to suck penis at the university of dropping out of high school." answered Barton.

"Why’d you drop out of high school?" Tala pushed.

"Cause it was stupid." Tex replied.

"That's a good point, actually."

As Tala turned back to Junji, Tex thought back to all the times his teachers had called him stupid for his poor performance in school. They were right that he had been and still was a moron, but on the bright side, most of them were dead.

|

"Do you actually believe that?" Junji asked.

"That it's good my teachers died? No, I was just being funny."

"That was not what I was referring to."

|

"What about you, Junji?" Tala wondered.

"I double majored in Theoretical Physics and Quantum Mechanics." Junji answered.

Barton gagged.

"What?" asked Junji.

"What'd you minor in, Dead Languages?" Barton replied.

"No, I was too busy working for my mother for a minor."

|

"This is accurate." Junji said. "Both my majors and working for my mother."

"Course it is. I listen when you talk."

Junji didn't reply, but he didn't start reading again, either.

"Something wrong?" Tex asked.

"What's my last name?"

"...Huh?"

"What's my last name, Dallas?"

|

"What are you supposed to do with a quantum mechanics degree?"

"Understand quantum mechanics."

"And what are you supposed to do with that?"

"Understand."

Barton scoffed.

"If you can name one relevant thing you learned in Chakra class," she started, "I'll pee in Tex's mouth."

"Huh?" asked Tex.

Junji poked himself in the chin with an expression of thought.

"I would like to talk about subatomic particle movements." he said slowly. “Does anyone have a sheet of paper I could use?"

"I do!" Tala replied immediately.

Tala handed Junji a piece of paper and a pouch of colored pencils from her bag. Junji turned the paper to landscape before he got to drawing.

It looked like he was making a tic-tac-toe grid.

"If we were to continuously zoom in on reality," Junji began, "we would eventually reach a group of the smallest particles in the universe. Here, I have drawn a diagram."

Tex looked over to examine Junji's drawing in the top corner.

"This black dot is the particle whose movement we will be observing." followed Junji.

|

"This is a good way to explain this concept." Junji said. "Why do you know about this?"

"You got drunk and yelled it at me."

"...My apologies."

|

"What are the blue particles?" Barton asked, to Tex's surprise.

"Assume that they are undergoing the same process as our main particle, but we won't be studying them."

Junji drew a second diagram to the right of the first.

"The particle is going to move to one of the squares next to it." he explained as he showed Barton the drawing.

"The green spaces represent possible paths the particle can take, and the numbers--"

"Represent the probability of it taking that path." Barton cut in. "Yeah, I get it."

|

"Why is this relevant?" Junji wondered.

"For a joke at the end. Keep reading."

|

"But even with these probabilities, the path it takes will still be dictated by complete and utter randomness. This is where multiverse theory comes in."

"...Okay."

"The particle has a sixty percent chance of going this way, directly to the right. This means it will go that way across sixty percent of universes. Here, let's say we have five universes."

"If some of the particles move a certain way, it may affect something that may affect something that may affect your brain chemistry or the physics of a situation differently than if the particles had moved a different way."

Barton chewed on her lower lip as she examined the diagram.

"Does that make sense?" Junji followed.

"Yup.” answered Barton. “Everything that can happen does happen but some things are more likely to can happen than others."

"Oh. Yes, that is it."

Barton's face shone with understanding as she examined the diagram. Junji's face shone with pride as he examined Barton's face.

"Well, this was a waste of time." Barton said as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a pen-like device.

"What are you doing?"

"Freeing up space."

Barton brought the pen to the memory-remover plate in the back of her neck. A moment later, her face turned blank.

"Huh, what's going on?" she asked Junji.

"I explained quantum randomness to you and then you wiped your memory."

"Oh. Good for me."

Barton didn't seem to understand why Junji looked so exasperated.

"What?" she wondered.

"How could you do that?"

"I don't like learning things that don't matter."

"How does that not matter?"

"How does it matter?"

Junji’s expression contorted from desperation to determination.

"Do you not care about the truth?" he asked. "Does learning the philosophies followed by the reality that makes us and everything else not seem important to you?"

Barton snored.

"Barton, wake up!" Tex said as he shook her awake. "The Chinese are at the door!"

"Hwaa--ahh!" Barton yelped.

Once she’d woken up again, Barton realized right away that there wasn't a threat.

"That's it, I don't feel safe without a weapon." Barton announced while she took a stand. "I'll see you ladies next time someone decides to torture a robot.”

As Barton made her way out of sight, Tex realized he didn't feel safe, either.

"Think she’s got a point." said Tex. "Catch you on the flip flop.”

Tex got out of his chair and left the room, narrowly avoiding the smack Junji attempted to land on his butt.

|

Junji stopped reading with a tiny scoff.

"Why do you write me this way?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"When have I ever touched you like this?"

"You're real handsy."

Junji let out a noise of exasperation but continued.

|

The stress of losing his gun started to sink in full force for Tex as he jogged back to his apartment. The closer he got, the more he was looking forward to seeing his wife of ten years. She always knew how to make him feel better.

|

"You did not mention you had a wife at the start." Junji said.

"I got lonely."

|

He opened the front door of his apartment to see her sitting on the couch.

"Hey there." Tex greeted. "How was work?"

"Terrible." she replied. “How am I supposed to teach preschool without a gun?"

"God, that's such a good point."

As he spoke, Tex took a seat on the couch next to his wife. He put his arm around her when she laid her head down on his shoulder.

"I just hope we don't go country wide with the Christmas wish." said Tex.

"Southern states would never go for it."

"Don’t matter what seventy percent of thirty percent of states want for themselves. It only matters what fifty-one percent of the country wants for everyone."

"Is that what democracy is?"

"Unclear."

As Tex's unnamed wife sunk farther into his shoulder, Tex wondered if maybe Christmas wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Thought you'd be more uppity about losing your baby." she said.

Tex frowned to remember his gun and all the good times he'd had sneaking it through the TSA and killing people.

"Well, least I still got my other baby." he replied.

"You're sweet, cowboy. Tell me. There anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"...Reckon there might be."

|

"Why'd you stop?" Tex asked.

"This is a graphic sex scene."

"Mhm."

"Is there a reason you've chosen to continuously clarify that the sex is not anal?"

Not for the first time, Tex was hit with the suspicion that Junji hadn't been raised Catholic.

|

After waking from his immediate post-orgasm nap, Tex tinkered around in the garage that he also had until nightfall. He slept long and soundly, but the sex he'd gotten the night before had been so great that he woke up still feeling a little frazzled.

To compensate, he left for a nearby coffee shop after kissing his wife goodbye.

There was snow on the ground and Christmas lights lined all the stores. Tex tried and failed to feel any Christmas spirit. Not wanting to support Starbucks, he ventured into a local business to discover they'd been bought by Starbucks.

Tex sighed and got in line.

"Dallas?" a familiar voice asked.

Tex blinked.

"Barton?" he replied. "What're you doing here?"

"I'm getting coffee, asshole."

A middle-aged woman in line before Barton turned around to face her. Tex could see that she had a small child next to her.

"Excuse me, sir?" the woman spat at Barton. "Could you please not use that kind of language around my son?"

"Grow up, Billy." Barton said to her son.

The mother of the child said something back to Barton, and then Barton said something back to her, but Tex found himself distracted by a new figure who entered the coffee shop.

It was a man, maybe in his late twenties. His appearance was unkempt from his ratty shoes to his messy hair, and although it was winter, the long trench coat he was wearing seemed a bit out of place.

"...don't care how many Nazis you've beaten to death with your bare hands." the mother told Barton. "That doesn't give you the right to--"

"HANDS UP!" a voice shouted, bringing everyone's personal conversations to an immediate halt.

Tex didn’t even have to turn his head to know that the voice belonged to the man in the coat. When he looked over, he saw that the man’s coat was now open.

Clear bags of different substances lined the inside of the fabric, and the scent of fertilizer and propane filled the air. Tex distantly recognized the scent from nearly twenty years prior.

Tex tried to grab at his pocket, but was knocked over on top of Barton when the other patrons started to push and shove with panic.

"Calm down!" the man yelled. "The suicide bombing will be over faster if everybody behaves!"

|

"Are you allowed to make jokes on this subject?" asked Junji.

"Who's gonna get offended? It's not like any real suicide bombers are going to read this."

|

Tex managed to get onto his feet only to find that the bomber man's attention was on him.

"You there!" the bomber shouted. "You are about to die in the name of religion or social commentary or whatever!"

With the man's focus elsewhere, the woman with the child reached into her purse and pulled out a taser pulse. Tex watched from the corner of his eye as she fired it.

The taser hit the man in the leg.

"Good thing I wore clothes today." he said.

While the bomber brought a lighter out, the barista lifted a can of mace. Tex barely had time to cover his eyes when the barista sprayed a cloud of pepper in the direction of the bomber.

The can proved itself capable of being able to fire from the range of about a dozen feet, with the mace coating the man's face, but all he did was howl in pain.

Tex covered his mouth and coughed, but he only ended up sucking in more pepper-tainted air in the process. He did his best not to let it cloud his thinking.

"I got the will to murder twelve strangers." the bomber shouted as Tex finally managed to reach into his pocket and find the altered metal tube he’d been looking for. “You really think I give a damn about some piss in my eyes?"

"Language!" the mother yelped as she put her hands over her son's ears.

As the bomber lit the lighter, Tex extended his hand in a wink and aimed his shot.

There was a loud, noise-protectionless bang as Tex pulled the trigger on the metal tube and fired a gumball-shaped hunk of lead into the center of the target's body. For a second, the scent of methodically measured mixture of charcoal, Sulphur, and saltpeter overpowered the smell of pepper.

Tex lowered the end of the metal rod in his hand with care, only to flinch when six more shots rang out.

The bomber was no longer moving. Tex looked over at Barton to see that she also had something gun-shaped in her hand.

"Homemade hand cannon?" Barton asked him.

"Made it last night." Tex replied. "What'd you do?"

"3D printer."

"What about the bullets?"

"Hand loaded."

The panic of the coffee shop inhabitants turned into triumphant shouts as people realized they were going to live to see Christmas. Tex would have liked to've joined them, but Barton didn't seem particularly interested in staying.

|

"Is _to've_ a proper contraction?" asked Junji.

"Who gives a shit?"

"Harvard."

"So no one important."

Junji let out a short laugh.

"I enjoy our friendship." he replied.

|

"We're saved!" Billy shouted.

"Oh, how foolish we were to make a gun ban through the power of Christmas wishing." his mother said to the sky. "I hope that Jesus will find it in his heart to reverse the damage us city folk have done with our rash thinking and cold nature and individualistic culture and the way we always give anyone the stink eye if they try to start up a conversation with us while we're both waiting for the elevator."

The second he'd hopped over the dead body and made his way out the door, Tex was pulled aside with all the other witnesses by a team of paramedics. And by the time they'd finished explaining the situation to the paramedics, a news team had arrived and manhandled Tex into giving an interview alongside Barton.

“Well, we don’t usually report on terrorist attacks where the terrorist was taken down by a gun,” the interviewer explained, “but this seems to be a special case. Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

|

"That is a bold claim." said Junji.

|

The interviewer was a large, jolly man with a red suit, a big white beard, and a loaded bazooka strapped to his back. Tex felt he somehow looked familiar.

"...shot him six times in the chest." Barton finished. "It was a lot like this time back in Civil War II when--"

"And there you have it, folks." the man interrupted, shooting a wink into the camera. "Be careful what you wish for."

Tex watched as the man took the bazooka off his back and fired it into the air. But instead of a missile, red and green glitter began to rain from the sky.

A weight dropped into Tex’s pocket. He touched the outside of his pants to feel the unmistakable shape of his old gun.

"Thank you, sir!" Tex said to the man. "I don't know how you did it, but you did it well."

"Of course, little boy." the man replied. "And you know what? I might have one more surprise for you."

Tex felt a vibration against his leg as his phone started to ring. He pulled it out to see it was from his wife.

_"Honey, I'm pregnant!"_ she announced.

"Oh boy!" Tex replied.

Tex turned around to thank the strange man with the beard, but found he’d somehow vanished without a trace.

Still, Tex thought he could hear a familiar ho ho ho in the distance.

"Who the fuck was that?" Barton asked.

"I think it was Krampus." answered Tex.

"Lame. Let's go."

Tex was about to ask where they were going when both of their phones buzzed.

**From Gamer Gril**  
hey tex, you and barton are on the news

**From Gamer Gril**  
you two doing alright?

**To Garbage Band**  
my wife is pregnant!

**From Gamer Gril**  
you have a wife?

**From Supreme Jackass**  
guns are back i wanna celebrate

**To Garbage Band**  
what you wanna do

**From Gamer Gril**  
can we go to your place?

**From Supreme Jackass**  
you know what? sure. i'm inviting all four of you assholes to my place for some scotch

**From Supreme Jackass**  
bring guns

**From Spoodge King**  
That does not sound like a wise combination.

**From Gamer Gril**  
where do you live again?

**From Sean**  
erutcipnaissuryxesnotnemeletcepsni ,4retpahc

|

"Sean is not in the garbage band chat." Junji muttered.

"Yeah, and I don't remember writing him in, neither." Tex replied, just as confused.

"Judging by the keysmash, I think it's likely a simple typo."

Junji's answer didn't seem perfect, but Tex didn't end up thinking about it too hard.

|

Barton sent her address into the chat. Tex thought he was going to have to take the bus, but for the first time in her life, Barton offered to give him a ride without charging him. She claimed it was a Christmas present, but Tex knew that it was actually because she was in a good mood and secretly cared about him even though she never really acted like it even a little.

Traffic was bad, and the suburbs weren't too far away. It would've been faster if they'd run. Tex got the feeling that Junji and Tala both had chosen to do so, as they were waiting at the gate when Barton pulled up.

Tex hopped out of the car while Barton dealt with the gate. He walked over to Tala and Junji to see they were watching the news on Tala's phone, where the mayor of Seattle was being interviewed.

_"...shooter by the name of Sam Hyde was taken down by another gun, and so we've decided not to go country wide with the ban after this incident._" said the mayor. _"And with this knowledge, the Chinese government will no longer be going forth with their invasion._"

_"Fooey._" Xi Jinping replied as he kicked at the dirt with his foot.

Tex stopped watching the news when he noticed Junji was staring at him.

"Hmm?" asked Tex.

"I am impressed by your craftsmanship and quick hands." Junji said fondly. "I got you this to wear as a symbol of my gratitude."

As he spoke, Junji held up a Santa outfit so skimpy that it was just a pair of red suspenders and tear-off pants.

"You're icky." Tex denied firmly, secretly into it.

|

"What is this?" Junji asked with disgust. "Do you want me to assault you?"

"I don't get what the big deal is."

"Ahh, what of it.”

|

"I got the scotch in my house." Barton announced. “Who’s ready to celebrate Jesus?”

They ended up drinking around the firepit in Barton's massive backyard. It was a little cold, but the fire was too nice for any of them to complain.

"We got our guns back, Dallas and me stopped a vague suicide bombing, and I'm almost buzzed." Barton said as she finished her third bottle of eighty proof scotch. "Guess everything worked out."

"Well, not everything." Tala replied as she held up her stuffed Barney toy. "I still don't know what to do with this."

Barton looked at the Barney toy. Then she looked at the handgun on the table. She then looked back at Barney.

They all had a few more drinks.

_"No drill camp and no shined boots, in Dixie’s armed militia._” Tex sang with Barton as he carried her on his shoulders. _“All you need to do is shoot, in Dixie’s armed militia._”

|

_“Cause time grows short and funds are low. Cloud troops come and cloud troops go._ _But bless my soul the Newion knows we’re Dixie’s armed militia._” Tex muttered.

|

"Just a little higher, and I'll have the branch." Barton instructed. “There, got it."

Tex tried to hold Barton as steady as he could while she tied the scarf around the tree branch. Once she was done, he carefully lowered her to the ground.

The other end of the scarf had been fastened around Barney's neck, suspending him about four feet from the ground.

"You wanna take the shot?" asked Barton.

"My pleasure." Tex replied.

As Tex grabbed his gun and fitted it with the silencer, Barton pulled out her phone and positioned herself a foot to Barney's right, facing Tex.

"Barton, I don't think you should stand down range." Tala said.

"Dallas is a good shot." Barton slurred in response.

"Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?" Tex asked as he readied his weapon.

Barton's phone made a noise when she hit the record button.

"We got Dallas, we got Barney." Barton narrated. "Barney's about to meet his maker."

"Die you commie fuck--_whoa!"_

Tex was cut off as a fat snowflake managed to hit him at an angle that his glasses couldn't block. Instinctively, his hand flicked to the right.

There was a bang.

Tex brought the tip of his gun down in immediate horror. He took a desperate glance around him to try and figure out where the bullet had gone, but didn't have to look very far to get his answer.

"Oww." Barton said as she looked down at her chest.

Tex ran over to Barton as quick as he could and examined her with a face as white as a sheet. There was a hole in her shirt, just over her left breast.

Barton lifted her shirt to reveal the tiniest red nick in the side of the hole she'd already had in her shoulder.

Tex breathed out a massive sigh of relief. He reached his arms out to wrap Barton inside them, but she denied the gesture.

"Don't make it weird." she scolded.

"Goddamn, what are the chances of that?" Tex wondered.

"Minuscule." Junji replied. "It's likely you're standing by her dead body right now in a substantial number of universes."

"Ahh!"

Three trillion miles away, Jesus stood on a cloud and watched them all from above.

"And there you have it, good citizens." said Jesus. "Guns can be useful for keeping the peace and protecting yourself from both foreign and local governments, but

|

“It stops there.” said Junji.

“I got bored.”

Junji let out a short chuckle.

"What'd you think?" Tex asked, his eyes filled with hope and wonder.

It took Junji a frighteningly long time to answer.

"It was--it could've been worse." he stammered.

Tex pouted into the carpet.

"The dialogue was well managed," Junji continued, "but you seem to have a very--minimalistic approach to imagery."

"What do I look like, an oil painting? If you wanna see stuff, go outside."

“Why did you wait until the third act to introduce Krampus?”

Tex pouted harder. So much so that he got a taste of the carpet.

"And I cannot believe that gun safety was the mutuality you chose." Junji continued.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You wanted to come to a common ground between anti-gun and pro-gun activists, and the only thing you've given anti-gun activists is the importance of gun safety?"

“Oh, what would’ve you done? Talked about how we should sell all our guns to the black market along with plaster molds of our assholes?”

"No. I would have spoken about non-lethal weaponry.”

Junji’s response wasn’t what Tex had been expecting.

"Yes, pepper spray and tasers often fail." Junji followed. "But perhaps they would not fail if we hadn’t failed invest in developing anything but lethal weapon after lethal weapon."

"Mmm..."

"What?"

"I'm just saying, if the government was hunting me down, I'd rather it be with a bullet. Don't even wanna know what they'd do to me if I was still alive."

There was a rustle as Junji set the papers down.

"Good news, in that case." he replied. "After today, you will never need to worry about the government catching you alive."

"That's a nice feeling."

As Tex gave the ground another affectionate squeeze, he felt the air shift next to him as Junji stood up from the couch.

“Well, this has been uncomfortably revealing.” said Junji. "I am going to make some tea. Would you like some?"

"Mhm."

Tex heard Junji's feet leave for the kitchenette. After he'd rolled onto his back, Tex found the back pocket of the pants tangled around him and fished out his wallet.

It seemed a little too complicated to open, so Tex just pulled it into a hug.

_"Mama._" Tex muttered.


	15. The F Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgot to add this chapter lol

"Damn it, I've been using dandruff shampoo for a week but I still got dandruff." Tex said as they made their way up the stairs.

"Well, you should probably stop using a shampoo with so much dandruff in it." Tala replied.

With a sharp inhale, Tex began to choke on a mouthful of his own spit. Junji had to help him up the next flight of stairs.

"You can't just say something like that." Tex managed.

"Something like what?" asked Tala.

"Like--_Jesus._" 

Tex cut himself off in awe as he noticed the sight through the door to the floor right below their office, the floor that Barton had chased him down to the day before. Because not only was Barton still there, but her quick steps implied she’d never stopped patrolling the hall.

Tala and Junji stopped walking when they noticed Tex was staring.

"Is that Barton?" Tala wondered.

Barton looked over at the sound of her name. 

"Oh, hey guys." she greeted.

"Have you been here the whole time?" Tex asked.

"I guess. How'd you get out?"

"I snuck out. Like a day ago. How've you been peeing?"

"Camel pack and a paper funnel I folded."

"That's a good idea." Junji said fondly.

Barton made her way over and joined their group. Tex positioned himself so that Tala and Junji were both between him and Barton before they resumed their trek up the stairs.

"What are you three doing here, anyway?" Barton asked.

"We're going to Canada, remember?" answered Tala. "We texted you, but you didn't reply."

"Oh yeah. Let's go."

They only had to step into the office for a minute to grab Tala's laptop and the equipment bag. Since they were all going together, Barton only charged them three fifty each for a ride to the train station as part of a group deal.

"So." Barton said to Tex as they parked. "About that conversation we were gonna have."

"I ain’t talked to her." Tex muttered.

"Oh. Good."

Barton looked surprised but astronomically relieved. Tex turned his attention to his feet.

The mission ended up being much easier than any they'd had in a while, considering that Canada was a straight shot from where they were and that their target lived alone in a massive house with no neighbors. 

They snuck in through the back door after Tala turned off all the cameras. A car was parked next to the house, so they were extra quiet as they made their way inside through the back door.

They rooted through the house in silence for the computer and the target. Tex searched the upstairs with Tala and came over when she motioned for him.

Tala was by the couch. Tex walked over to see a foot sticking out of a mess of blankets against the couch cushions.

Tex pulled his gun out of his pocket. The target was clearly fast asleep, but he was still careful as he lifted the blanket from their head to get a better shot.

Tex froze.

The person on the couch before him was definitely the same one he'd seen in the photo Tala had shown him, but he hadn't realized until seeing the target up close that it was a woman.

"Tex?" Tala whispered.

"You didn't tell me it was a lady." Tex replied.

"It didn't seem relevant."

Tex's hands started to tremble against the plastic casing of his gun. With a sigh, Tala grabbed the gun from Tex's hands, pointed it at the woman, and took a shot.

She missed by a few feet. And even with the silencer, it was still as loud as a cymbal crash.

"Give me that." Tex ordered as he grabbed his gun back.

_"Who's there?"_ the woman asked with a stir.

Grimacing hard, Tex pulled the trigger and landed a shot between her eyes with a wet smack.

"Is he dead yet?" Barton asked from the bottom of the stairs.

"It was a girl." said Tala.

"Ooh."

"Tex freaked out."

While they all followed the wires that coated the floor to the giant computer in the center of the house, Tex set his expression to defensive.

"I didn't freak out." he replied.

_"Look at me. I can't hit a girl._" Barton mocked. _"I can't shoot the enemy troops. Barton, I don't wanna fire-bomb a hospital._"

"You know what? I don't guess that's such a bad thing."

Tala's face twisted with passive-aggressive judgement. 

"What?" Tex pushed.

"The only other groups of people you're not allowed to hit are children and old people." Tala replied.

"So what?"

"Kind of insulting implications."

Tex wondered how Tala could have possibly come to such a conclusion.

"Do women not strike you as more important to our survival?" he asked her.

"Good point. All these bear attacks have been bringing us close to extinction lately."

"Look, it's simple." Barton said as she gestured with her hands. "Hitting builds character. If you only hit men, you're going to die as half the man you could've been."

While Tala hooked up the adapter, Tex turned his head to Junji, who was staring at the dark computer screen with an expression of reminiscence.

"What?" asked Tex.

"We used to have a saying in my family." Junji answered slowly. _"Subete no shōniseiai no yubiwa no ue ni josei ga arimasu._"

"What do that mean?"

"No underground pedophile ring would be complete without a woman at the top." 

Tex frowned.

"I don’t think I should have to apologize for this." he said.

"Nobody's asking you to." Tala replied. "We just want to make fun of you."

"...Oh."

Tex immediately began to feel better.

The rest of the mission proved itself pretty dull. All they ended up doing for the victim in the computerverse was upload him into a smartphone and give him the ability to communicate on instant messaging services so that he could fight his real human counterpart for the love of his girlfriend.

“I’m sure that will be fun for all three of them.” Junji said as they left the house.

The ride back was a little quieter than the ride there had been. Thanks to the time zone switch, it would be about ten in the morning when they returned to Seattle.

"Can we have a meeting tomorrow?" Tala asked Tex a few minutes into the train ride.

"For what?" he replied.

"Something came up while we were in Canada."

They ended up agreeing on six in the afternoon of the next day. Tex's eyes were heavy as they stepped off the train and into the station.

"Well, it's been stupid." Barton said as she waved them off. "Have fun bussing ho--"

"Hello!" a familiar voice called from the exit bay of a train just across from them.

Tex looked over to see a woman with bright red hair and blue eyes. She made her way over to them with no signs of animosity, which Tex found hard to get used to.

He wished he could say he hadn't been expecting her.

"Can't believe I ran into y'all here." Lida followed. "With all these people, chances of that have gotta be small."

Slowly, Tex turned to Barton and watched with a guilty consciousness as all signs of hope, joy, and belief in human nature dropped from her face.

“Lame.” Barton muttered.

"Sorry I have to go to yachting practice." Tala said as she left immediately.

Lida shot a confused glance in Tala's direction.

"Lida." Barton started. "What brings you up here?"

"Came up to do some business with Tagawa." Lida answered. "I like to do things face to face, instead of face to NSA."

"This is good." Junji replied. "I prefer to meet in person.”

Tex could feel Barton's eyes on him, but he didn't dare look.

"Gotta say, this place is huge." Lida said as she gave the air a sniff. "Why smoke a pack a day when you could live here?"

"Mhm." Tex replied.

"Hey Dallas?" Barton asked.

"Mhh?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

Tex felt Barton's fingers wrap around the bottom of his shirt.

"Uh," he replied. "I dunno if--"

"Come on."

Barton took Tex out of the train station and onto the street. Wanting to keep Lida and Junji out of it, Tex tried to make it look like he wasn’t being dragged as it happened. 

"Dallas." Barton stated.

"What."

"Why did you do this?"

"I didn't--I didn't do anything."

Barton looked at Tex like he'd just drawn a penis on the wall with crayon.

"All I did was go down to Arkansas to return her pocket watch, and then she screwed me on her desk a little." followed Tex. "I dunno what she's doing up here."

Barton looked at Tex like he'd just drawn a penis on the wall with crayon and lied about it.

"I didn't have nothing to do with it!" Tex pleaded.

"Really? Lida assaulted you?"

Tex rubbed the back of his head.

"I might've had...something to do with it." he muttered.

"You said you weren't gonna relapse again."

"And I really believed that at the time."

Barton spread out her arms and laid face down on the sidewalk. 

"You know, you could support me." Tex said as several passerbys looked over at Barton with confusion. 

"If I wanted to watch two people have the same fight over and over," Barton replied, her voice muffled by the sidewalk, "I'd watch a ten hour rock paper scissors compilation."

"Maybe we ain't gonna do that this time."

"Uhuh."

Tex almost jumped when a car horn sounded in the street next to him. He looked over to see that the car first in line at a nearby light hadn't gone yet.

_"This is why we need Eugenics!"_ a man in the car behind shouted out his window.

Tex looked back at Barton to see that she was getting back to her feet with a look of consideration.

"Speaking of Seattle." said Barton. "How do you think Lida's gonna get along here?"

As he bit the inside of his mouth, Tex thought back to when he'd first arrived in the city.

"I didn't think about it." he answered.

"Sounds like you didn't think about a lot of things."

"That stings, coming from you."

With nothing else to say, Barton reluctantly followed Tex back into the train station to return to Lida and Junji. Tex could see that the two of them had started a conversation, although the loud atmosphere meant he could only hear the end of it.

"...easy to overthrow, although I suspect attacking such a large operation might be more difficult." Junji finished.

"You'll do fine." Lida replied. "We'll talk about it tomorrow."

"Very well."

Junji gave them all a wave goodbye before taking off in the direction of his apartment.

Barton's face twisted with thought. Tex found the sight a tad bizarre.

"You know what?" Barton said to Lida, her voice slow. "It's lunchtime, and you've been traveling. Any chance you're hungry?"

"Starving, actually." Lida answered.

"We should all go out. Lida's our guest, and we oughta show her around the city."

"Sure. I'd like that."

"We should try that place down in the junction next to Whole Foods. Flavorgasm, or something."

Tex's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Flavorgasm was an organic co-op dining establishment that Barton had referred to as "superfluous" and "gay" on numerous other occasions.

"Uh." he stated.

"Great." Barton replied. "I'll drive."

Tex was still suspicious as Barton led them to her car, but it wasn't like he had any better suggestions for where they should eat. 

Lida sat in the back with Tex. Her attention was turned out the window the entire drive. Tex was anxious to get her alone, but Barton wasn't acting like she was going to go away any time soon.

Although Tex couldn't understand why.

"Wow." Lida said as two women with candy colored hair and Gothic clothing crossed the street in front of them. "I know what I said about city girls, but I like the way all y'all dress down here."

Tex just hoped that Lida would continue to enjoy the city. That way, at least one of them would.

Flavorgasm was a big enough place to have a parking lot. Barton's jeep stuck out among the sea of hybrids, but at least she hadn't had to parallel park.

"I ain't never seen so many people before." Lida said as they walked up. "You must get to meet a lot of folks living here."

"Only on public buses." Tex replied.

Lida's mouth opened with confusion at Tex's response. Barton led them to the front of the colorful building with a huff of impatience.

A large sign covered most of the door. Tex examined it to see it read _A friendly reminder that our establishment is a safe space for all oppressed groups; including women, LGBTQ, racial minorities, and liberals._

"Ugh." Barton groaned as she examined the sign. "Democrats have been going downhill ever since they were taken over by the Sips Tea party."

"This was your idea." Tex replied.

The doors led to a waiting area. The restaurant had an urban design scheme, with a palette of blues and greens and a generous use of polka dot patterns composed of different sized circles. There seemed to be a few open tables, so Tex didn't think they'd have to wait long to be seated.

"So you're here to see Tagawa, are you?" Tex muttered to Lida.

Lida raised an eyebrow in Tex's direction.

"I'm here to do a couple things." she replied.

"Oh?" asked Tex.

"Ain’t decided what yet."

"Well, I only got one question."

"What's that?"

"What the hell is Tagawa?"

Lida's face twisted with confusion. She opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the appearance of the host.

The host’s eyes flickered over each one of them separately.

"Party of two?" he asked.

"Party of three." Tex replied.

The host tightened his mouth into a line.

"I'm sorry, but we can't seat all three of you together." he told them.

"Huh--what?" Lida asked.

The host pointed to another little sign, this one taped on the inside of the front window. Tex squinted to see that it read _no shoes, no shirt, no understanding of the toxicity of relationships between the inherently underprivileged and the privileged, no service._

Tex waved his hand in front of his face to make sure he wasn't having a stroke.

"We have two sections." the host explained. "The safe section, for our guests of higher levels of melanin, and the 'think about what you've done' section. For everyone else."

"I don't understand." said Lida.

"When you pass through these doors, you enter a space of acknowledgement. Part of acknowledging your inner privilege is to understand how dangerous it is to those..."

The waiter trailed off and shot a meaningful glance in the direction of Barton's extremely bored face.

"...less fortunate." he finished.

"Is he talking about veterans?" Lida whispered to Tex.

Tex was unsure how to reply.

"Come with me, little one." the waiter said as he grabbed Barton by the hand and began to lead her towards a room off to the back.

"What the hell's going on?" Lida hissed.

"I'll explain later." Tex muttered in response. "Let's just go get her."

Lida looked confused but followed Tex’s lead. Together, they hid near the bathrooms until the host had returned to the front and made himself busy with another party. 

They snuck into the door that the host had pulled Barton into when no one important was looking.

"What the fuck!?" Lida yelped the second the door had closed behind them, all the color gone from her face.

The door had led them into another room, about the same size as the one they'd come from. A long yellow ribbon labeled 'Barrier of Protection' divided Tex and Lida from a dining area that looked exactly like the first. On one side of the space, a few dozen black people dined and mingled amongst themselves, and on the other side stood Barton.

Her arms were crossed over her chest.

Tex turned his attention to the only white person in the room, a woman who was standing behind a small podium to their right in front of the barrier of protection. 

"Finished with your meal, huh." she said to them. "Can you give me the name of who you're picking up?"

"Uh..." Tex trailed off.

Barton had declared many times that she would never give a foreign government, social media site, or hippie her real name, so Tex was unsure what to say. He locked eyes with her and shot her a look.

She began to gesture to her chest, and Tex realized she was wearing a paper name tag.

"Adonav Longwood." he told the woman.

Barton pointed and laughed.

"Alright, I'll go grab her." the woman replied.

After asking the black people for their consent for her to enter their domain, the woman grabbed Barton by the hand and led her back to Tex. 

"Hello." Barton greeted.

Lida's face was still coated in shock as she turned to the woman by the podium.

"Excuse me?" she asked the woman.

"Hmm?" the woman hummed.

"I know it ain't none of my business, but you shouldn't be treating people like this. People are people, no matter what color they are on the outside."

The woman replied with a confused glance. Tex felt like it was a theme of the day.

Barton grabbed them both by the wrist and led them out of the restaurant before Lida could say anything else.

"Jesus Christ." Lida muttered once they'd left, the politeness gone from her tone. "Conservatives are real wack jobs these days." 

Tex refrained from commenting.

Barton was staring at the front wall of the restaurant, where several flyers had been put up to advertise various events and local clubs. Tex followed her eyes to see she was examining a poster for an 'asymmetrical bangs' feminist group, whatever that meant.

A wave of confusion hit him when Barton took the paper off the wall and folded it up in her pocket.

"Did you have fun?" Tex muttered to Barton.

"I liked the part where you talked about your wood." she replied.

Tex was quiet as they returned to Barton's car. Lida seemed to have shaken the events from her mind, which Tex wished he could relate to.

"Shoot, I'm still hungry." said Lida.

"We could head back to my place." Tex offered. "There's a Safeway across the street."

Barton insisted on going with them to Safeway. She was nice enough to drive them, so Tex couldn't complain.

"Whoa." Lida whispered after they’d walked into the store. "What's the elevator go to?"

"Couple things." answered Tex. "There's a DMV, then there's my apartment complex--"

"You live above a Safeway?"

"It's more that Safeway lives under me. We're below ground level."

"Oh..."

Lida ended up wanting to go down every aisle. Tex was helpful and pointed out the spots where discount sales usually happened and where the security cameras couldn't view. 

"I got what I wanted." Lida said as she held up a bagel and a box of fruit roll ups.

Barton pointed out the checkout line. As they all made their way over, Tex did his best to catch Barton's eye in a feeble demand for an explanation.

He was denied. Lida put her food on one of the self-checkout machines.

"Howdy!" she said to the self-checkout assistant as she looked up her bagel.

The assistant seemed shaken by Lida's greeting. He was a younger man, so Tex wasn't particularly surprised. 

"Oh." he coughed. "Did you need something?"

"Nothing in particular. Though if I did, you'd prolly have it." 

"Oh."

"I bet people round here don't even need Amazon, stores being so big."

"Oh."

The self-checkout assistant looked like he might faint. While Lida finished paying, he ran off to the bathrooms and pulled an asthma inhaler out of his pocket.

"I do something wrong?" Lida muttered to Tex as they left.

"No. That's just what folks here are like."

"...Huh."

Knowing Barton had no reason to go into an apartment complex, Tex stopped walking when they passed back by the elevators.

"Welp, I gotta drink a couple shots of liquor and complain about the government." said Tex. "Anybody care to join me?"

"Can I bring my fruit roll ups?" Lida asked.

"Wouldn't want it any other way."

Barton sighed with defeat.

"I gotta dip." she said as she glanced towards the exit door.

"Alright, have a good one." Tex replied.

As Barton left, Tex felt her hand graze his back pocket. By the time he'd realized it probably hadn’t been an accident, she was already out of sight.

Lida pressed the button to call the elevator. While they waited, Tex reached into his back pocket to find a folded-up piece of thick paper that hadn't been there before.

He unfolded it to discover it was the poster for the feminist group Barton had been eyeing. He wasn't sure why Barton had slipped it to him, but he was sure it was nothing good.

"What's that?" Lida asked as she turned away from the elevator.

"I, uh, found it on the ground."

Not wanting to seem suspicious, Tex didn't resist when Lida took the poster from him. 

She read it as they stepped into the elevator.

"Hell is an asymmetrical bang feminist?" she wondered.

"Why would I know?"

Lida folded the paper back along its creases and placed it in her own pocket.

"So?" asked Lida.

"So what?"

"You gonna drive me?"

Tex pulled a loose pistachio shell out of his front pocket.

"You wanna join?" he replied as he popped it into his mouth.

"Don't really seem like I'm gonna meet people on the street."

"Uh--"

"It said they get together at three on weekends. I'm meeting with Tagawa for some business talk at one, but you two are friends, right?"

"I still don't know who that is."

Lida turned to Tex with a face of amazement.

"The Japanese guy." Lida answered.

"Junji?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay."

"Good. Then we can all go."

Tex flashed back to their earlier experience with the restaurant.

"Uh, I don't think you'd like them." he said as he scratched the back of his head.

Lida scoffed.

"You know," she replied, "I would've thought after living in the city so long you might've gotten over all your--weird ideas."

"Weird ideas, huh?"

"Don't snap at me cause you're afraid of being queer."

"Oh, now you're worried about that."

Lida’s posture stiffened. Tex realized he didn't want to have a fight on day one.

"I'm sorry." said Tex. "I can drive you, if you want."

"Thank you."

Tex's apartment was on the fifth floor. However, the elevator momentarily stopped at the lobby to pick up what was at first just one person, but then three more people and two dogs after Lida stopped the elevator door from closing so that everyone coming into the building could get inside.

Lida examined the dog with a look of delight and turned to say something to its owner.

She stopped herself before any words could come out.

"Cute dogs.” Lida whispered as she and Tex stepped out of the elevator. "Must be nice living in a place that lets you have animals."

"I dunno. About half the people in this building got pets, and at this point I think it's kinda cruel."

"Why do you say that?"

"Apartment's no place for a dog."

Tex unlocked his front door and stepped back so he could let Lida in first.

Lida took a cautious step into the room, and then another. By the time Tex had closed and locked the door, Lida had explored the whole apartment.

"You live here?" Lida asked.

"Uhuh."

"Where's the bedroom?"

"I fold the couch out to sleep."

Tex took a seat on the couch while Lida examined his kitchenette. In their silence, the bass of the music flooding in from the tenant above them mixed with the sound of several dogs barking from various distances.

Tex turned his attention towards the window.

"Sometimes a bird'll fly by." he said slowly. "But usually not."

Lida gave the room another little once over before turning back to Tex.

"How much do you pay for this?" she wondered.

"I pay nothing, cause I got a deal with the owner. Usually it would go for about two grand a month."

"People pay two grand for a room?"

"It's got a bathroom."

Lida let out a tiny scoff. Tex's brow flicked up when she jut out her hip.

"You know." Lida said. "You could live somewhere nicer with a little business on your side."

Tex frowned. He'd known she was going to bring it up, but he'd been hoping it wouldn't be so soon.

The rest of Tex's evening was heated, in more ways than one. All things considered, it was better than being lonely and bored.

He fell asleep faster than he had in awhile.

Lida left in the morning to discuss oligarchic fratricide with Junji. After he'd pulled himself out of bed, Tex jogged across the junction to his parking space so he could keep his promise to Lida about giving her a ride.

He hadn’t talked to Lida about how long or where she’d be staying. He didn’t think too hard about it.

Tex drove back to his apartment building and pulled up in time to catch Lida and Junji mid conversation near the entrance to the parking garage. When Junji noticed the car, he tapped on Lida's shoulder and gestured in Tex's direction. Tex still couldn't hear their conversation as they walked up to the car, but whatever it was, it was making Junji laugh.

He rolled down the window.

"...so inbred that he could play horseshoes with his own arm." Lida finished.

"Ha, yes." Junji replied. "I'm quite thankful my mother decided not to interbreed. The advantages it's given me in the business world have been--"

Tex cleared his throat.

"Oh, sorry Tex." said Lida. "We were talking about inbreeding."

"Sounds like a hoot." Tex muttered.

After Lida and Junji had both gotten in the car, Lida put the address in Google Maps and gave it to Tex. Tex took off before he could think too hard about why being around Lida and Junji at the same time made him uncomfortable.

"Where will we be going?" Junji asked.

"To a prayer meeting." answered Tex.

The address took Tex to a residential part of Seattle near the beach. Tex supposed he'd seen nicer houses, given the nature of his job, but the glass loft was pretty impressive.

Tex wondered what he'd gotten himself into as they walked up to the front.

The front door was open, with only the screen door cutting off the living room from the outside. A poster identical to the one they'd found the day before was taped to the mailbox. 

"Oh, I left my phone in the car." Lida said before Tex could knock on the door.

Tex reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys. Lida caught them when he tossed them to her.

"Thanks." she followed. 

With Lida gone, Tex was even more uncertain about entering. Junji, however, pushed the screen door open without a second thought.

"Surprised you agreed to this." Tex muttered to Junji.

"I was lonely and bored."

Past the screen door was a neat living room with a couch and a dining table. The decor was clean and extravagant, with silk curtains and a little table that held several miniature bottles of Remy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII champagne.

The room was empty, although Tex got the feeling there were a few people home.

_"Just a minute!"_ a voice called, confirming his suspicions.

Tex looked in the direction of the voice to see that it had come from a room just down the hall. The door was cracked open, but not enough for Tex to see inside.

Tex looked back to Junji to discover his attention had turned to a painting on the wall.

It was a tall painting with a white background. The only color it had were several streaks of brownish-red over the white. Tex initially assumed it was paint, but halted his assumption when he noticed the title of the painting was _My Last Menses_.

"How do you feel about this?" Junji asked.

Tex opened his mouth and ran his hand down his face.

"I'm alright with it," he replied, "but only if it were made by some shut-in guy with crazy eyebrows and every week he gets real into a new social cause and he's got grey hair at age seventeen."

"Oh."

"What do _you_ think of it?"

Junji frowned at the painting.

"I don't understand." said Junji.

A new voice cleared her throat. Tex looked over to see a group of women step out of the room with the door that had been cracked open.

There were seven of them, each with a skin tone that matched the color of Orbit White gum. They each had short, asymmetrical bangs, and they arranged themselves from tallest to shortest so that the ends of their bangs created a single diagonal line.

They immediately began to whisper amongst themselves.

"Uh oh." Tex muttered.

"What's wrong?" Junji asked quietly.

"I don't think these people are gonna be very nice to us."

"Alright, I will leave then." 

Junji left.

The women stopped talking to each other. One of them shot a confused glance in the direction Junji had gone. 

The tallest woman, who appeared to be the leader, wore a shirt that read _Fuck Wh*te Feminism_ and held a long pink staff in her hand. She pointed her staff in Tex's direction and stared him down.

"What brings you here?" she asked in a booming voice.

Tex could now see that the wand was shaped like a phallus. A few buttons on the side implied that it could be turned on.

He put his hands up.

"My...girlfriend wants to join you." answered Tex.

"Where is she?"

"She's getting her phone. Is it alright if I--if I just sit here while all y'all do your meeting?"

Tex resisted the urge to jump as the leader began to walk forward, with her long heels clicking on the floor. She didn’t stop until she was close enough to him to touch.

She gave him a full once over before speaking again.

"If you wish to stay, you must answer our riddles three." she ordered.

"...Alright."

The leader cleared her throat and began to speak again.

"First riddle." she started. "It would be a microinvalidation against a cisgender female for you to imply video games aren't inherently oppressive to which marginalized groups?"

"Uh--um, Mormons?"

Tex usually chose Mormons when he didn't know the answer.

The women began to whisper amongst themselves again. Tex got the feeling that he hadn't answered correctly, but the leader opened her mouth again anyway.

"Riddle two." she continued. "If every white American felt thirteen pounds of white guilt a day, how many years would it take them to make up for slavery?"

"Twenty-four."

"Wrong. Slavery will never be made up for. Riddle three. Would you eat a tampon to make your girlfriend feel better about her period?"

"No. What?"

The leader brought her staff into the air, but before Tex could even wince, a woman in a pink skirt and a shirt that read 'THIS.' stepped forward.

"Wait!" she yelled as she extended her arm.

"What?" the leader replied.

"The treaty requires us to give him a trial."

The leader grit her teeth but lowered her staff. The muscles in Tex's face began to relax, but only slightly.

One of the women clapped her hands, causing the lights to dim. Tex suddenly felt unable to lie.

"Which do you believe to be superior?" the leader asked. "Males or females?"

Tex made sure his hands were still up in the air before he replied.

"Females." he answered.

"What do you believe a woman's purpose is?"

"Raising children."

The women began to murmurer unhappily. 

"What do you believe a man's purpose is?" the leader pushed.

"Protecting women and children." Tex replied.

“From what?”

“...Bears, I guess.”

"What if a woman doesn't want to raise children? What if she wants to do something else?"

"That's fine."

The women began to talk amongst themselves again. This time, it was loud enough for Tex to hear.

_"I believe he's a separate but equalist._" one woman said to another.

_"Yes, he's like an Amish man._" the other woman replied.

The leader cleared her throat. The women stopped talking.

"Separate but equalists are not on the list of acceptable men." the leader declared as she pointer her staff towards a sheet of paper on the wall, which included and was limited to 'men who understand that women can only define themselves on their own terms by completely rejecting men' and .

"Please let me go." Tex begged. "I'll leave you alone."

The leader brought her pink wand up in an underhanded strike against Tex's balls.

"Ahh!" he yelped.

Tex fell over onto the floor. A wave of nausea hit him as he did his best to position himself into a dignified sitting position.

There was a knock at the front door. It sounded strange, considering it was on a screen.

The women exchanged a few glances with each other. One of them stepped forward to open the door while the leader took a stand next to Tex.

"Hello!" Lida greeted as she stepped into view.

"...Hello.” said the woman who'd let her in.

"Sorry I took so long. My phone got wedged--_Oh!"_

Lida cut herself off when she noticed Tex was on the floor.

"Are you alright?" she asked him.

"He'll be okay." the leader of the women replied.

"What happened?"

Tex swallowed hard when the leader quickly tapped his hand with the sharp heel of one of her shoes.

"Walked crotch first into the couch by mistake." he answered. "I'll be alright."

"We wanted to give him an ice pack, but we couldn't find one." one of the women added.

"Where's Junji?" asked Lida.

"He had to--go to the bathroom." Tex stammered.

Lida gave Tex another look of concern. One of the women cleared her throat.

"So you want to join our club?" she asked.

"Maybe." Lida replied. "Dunno how long I'll be in town, and I was just wondering what all y'all do in your meetings."

The women began to whisper to each other once more. They only stopped when the leader clunked the end of her staff against the ground.

Lida eyed the staff with confusion.

"We can take you back." the leader announced.

The women began to walk in the direction of the room they'd come from. Lida shot an uncertain glance in Tex's direction.

"I'll just wait here." Tex told Lida. "Need to sit down."

"Oh." she replied.

Lida nodded and followed the women into the room. The second she was out of sight, Tex fell on his side and curled up into a tiny ball. 

There was a clunk as the door shut behind them.

_"...for having me._" said Lida's voice. _"Shoot, you got a real nice house._"

Tex didn't want to eavesdrop, but unfortunately, there was nothing to block the sound out.

_"Thank you._" a woman replied.

_"What do you usually do for your meetings? Sorry if I'm talking too much, I don't really know how things go around here._"

_"We usually have discussions._" another woman answered. _"But we actually brought you back here for a reason._"

_"Huh?"_

_"An intervention._"

Tex wasn't sure why his nads hadn't stopped hurting yet. He reached deep into his back pocket to see if he had any painkiller, but only found a bullet shell, his lock pick, a quarter cup of pocket sand, two Benadryl tablets, and a miniature bottle of Remy Martin Black Pearl Louis XIII champagne. 

He swallowed the Benadryl dry, hoping they would knock him out.

_"I don't understand what you mean by that._" Lida said.

_"You need to get rid of your boyfriend._"

_"...Excuse me?"_

Tex no longer felt bad about eavesdropping.

_"He's been brainwashed by western ideologies._" the leader explained.

_"I mean, I guess that's one way to describe culture._" Lida replied.

_"The Greeks were our founding philosophers. Plato taught that women were just the reincarnations of past men who had failed their first time around and had to be punished. Aristotle believed that women were deformed._"

_"Okay._"

_"Every man in our culture believes this, even if they don't know it._"

As insulted as he was, Tex couldn't think of any motivation the women could have had besides genuinely wanting to help Lida.

_"Then how could I find a better man, if that's true?"_ asked Lida.

_"You don't. Men can't help but abuse women. It's in their nature._"

Tex's eyelids grew heavy. He tightened up into a smaller ball and waited for sleep to take away his pain.

_"Here, look at this painting._" one of the women said. _"It's a visual representation of if you put every baby girl Chinese people killed under their one child rule in a hole in the ground._"

_"Jesus Christ! Why would you make that?"_

_"Women have suffered since the dawn of man. And if you don't leave him, you can't say you're not also at fault._"

Tex's eyes fell closed.

He wasn't exactly asleep, but he wasn't awake either. He was aware of time passing, and then he was later aware of the sensation that he was being moved. 

"Sorry Tex, we gotta leave." he heard Lida say as she dragged him through a door frame.

"I'm okay." Tex slurred.

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"No."

"Come on, I'll take you to the hospital."

Tex fell back to sleep. He hadn't been expecting the Benadryl to do such a good job knocking him out. 

He woke up a few times over the next hour. The first time, he was in the backseat of his car, and he could hear Junji giving Lida advice on how to drive through a six-way intersection. The second time, he found himself in an emergency room.

Tex just hoped Lida would cover the bill. 

The third time he woke up, he was being talked at by a man in scrubs.

"...numbed the area and made a few stitches." the doctor explained. "No permanent damage will be done as long as you wear a jockstrap for a couple of days."

"Okay." Tex heard himself say.

"It's a good thing you came in when you did. You might've lost a testicle if you'd waited longer."

Tex looked around the room to see he was lying on a hospital cot in a single occupant room. He wasn't wearing pants, but he'd been given a blanket to cover himself.

"That sounds nice." he muttered.

"You still seem out of it, so I'll leave a pamphlet with your friends." the doctor replied.

"Okay."

"Oh, and they want to see you. Is it alright if I let them in while I finish the paperwork?"

"Who?"

"Red hair and black hair."

"Okay."

Tex put on his pants under the blanket when the doctor left. He wasn't sure he was going to remember to buy a jockstrap, so he shot a text to Junji before falling asleep yet again.

The last time he half-woke up again, it was to the sound of Lida quietly crying in one of the chairs a few feet away from his cot.

Tex closed his eyes quick. He had no intention of embarrassing her.

_"...all them Greeks thought that,_" he heard Lida sob, _"it makes me think that they must've been right._"

"I don't understand why you think that." Junji replied, his voice blunt and confused.

_"If we all thought women were worse for so long, how could I have any reason to believe we weren't right? If we were wrong, woman should've been able to make it so they weren't treated like that no more_."

"I don't understand your reasoning."

_"I don't want to be a woman anymore--ore--._"

Tex had suspected that Lida's first day in a big city might be unpleasant, but he'd never imagined it could have been _that_ bad.

"You are overthinking this." said Junji. "Here, let me show you."

Tex heard the familiar sound of Junji scribbling on a piece of paper.

"I suspect society's dismissal of women came from the introduction of farming," Junji explained, "as this brought about the need for physical strength and the potential for massive population growth, reducing the female role to one of reproductive function. However, if we invert this assumption..."

Junji continued to scribble.

"Society could've been just as dismissive of men had a different situation been introduced," he continued, "one that dissolved the need for physical strength and population growth." 

_"What--what situation would that be?"_

"I can think of many. For instance, if our entire species existed inside an enclosed cube of a limited volume with no objects to pick up."

Slowly, Lida's sobbing began to taper off and was replaced by a shrill laugh.

"That's the strangest thing I've ever heard." she choked.

"I don't understand."

Lida sighed. Her crying faltered completely after a half minute of silence.

"I feel bad." she whispered.

"Why?" asked Junji.

"He said I wasn't gonna like it. I don't want to tell him he was right."

"I don't understand why you feel that way."

"You don't seem to understand a lot of things."

Tex waited until Lida had stopped crying and the doctor had come back before pretending to wake up. As they walked back to his car, he turned his eyes away when Lida pulled out a make-up mirror and covered her face in powder.

"Are you sure you'd like to drive?" Junji asked after Tex had walked over to the driver's side window.

"I'm feeling a lot better." Tex replied. "Ain't planning on crashing into anything."

"Will you be coming to Tala’s meeting?"

"Sure. Let me drop Lida off first."

"Oh. I will run there, in that case."

Junji broke off into a sprint before Tex could even think about offering him a ride. Almost in a trance, he watched Junji's body get smaller and smaller until it was nearly out of sight.

Lida cleared her throat. Tex unlocked the car.

"Sorry about your penis." she said while they buckled up.

"...I'll live." Tex replied.

"Don't worry about the bill. I make good money."

"Thank you."

Wanting to wake himself up all the way, Tex rolled the window down a crack as they waited at a light.

"You know, you can tell me if you're in pain." said Lida.

Tex was unsure why Lida would have considered him doing such a thing to be acceptable, but he grunted in contemplation anyway.

"Wish you would’ve said something." she followed. "I could've gotten out of there faster."

"You didn't like it?"

"I didn't realize how--extreme it was gonna be."

Tex felt a rush of relief that Lida had decided not to lie to him. Not only that, but he hadn’t heard such a relatable statement in a long time. 

"It's alright." he replied. "No way you could've known."

After shooting him a quick glare, Lida made a noise that let Tex know he'd said something wrong.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"You don't live here. You didn't know what people here are like."

Tex wasn't sure how his words managed to make Lida more upset, but they did.

"I don't know why I thought you'd suddenly be able to respect me." Lida scoffed, causing Tex to choke on his next breath.

"Hell's that supposed to mean? How could you possibly get that outta what I just said?"

Lida was quiet for the remainder of the trip. She didn't even look particularly angry, more exhausted. She was still sullen when Tex dropped her off in front of his apartment, leaving Tex in a bad mood for his drive to work.

He used the elevator to get up to his floor.

Barton and Tala were both sitting at the table when he opened the door. Tex took a seat on the couch to avoid further injury.

"Where's Junji?" he asked.

"He said he was buying you a jockstrap." Tala answered without looking up from the screen of her laptop.

"...What? Why?"

"He said you texted him too."

Tex pulled out his phone and read his most recent texts with Junji.

**To King Spoodge**  
;junbles

**To King Spoodge**  
my pe nis

**To King Spoodge**  
i need the penus strap or else my

**To King Spoodge**  
junple please ill pay you bakc

**From King Spoodge**  
I didn't see this until now.

**From King Spoodge**  
I will honor your request.

The tonal whiplash Tex experienced from reading the messages was a little overwhelming.

"Heard you had to get nut stitches." said Barton.

"I'm alright." Tex replied.

"What happened?"

Tex readjusted his weight.

“Lida joined a feminist group." he answered. "They didn't like me."

Barton made a tiny noise of amusement. Tex flashed back to when she'd planted the poster on him in the first place.

“What kind of feminists?” Tala wondered.

“I dunno." Tex replied. "The kind with the bangs.”

Tala winced.

"Probably fifth wave." she said.

"And go figure.” Barton announced. “Feminism's been a trash pile since third-and-a-half wave."

"That's what people said about third wave, you know. And second wave."

"That doesn't make me wrong."

"No, but it doesn't make you right."

Barton scoffed but didn't look too offended. 

"And it doesn't make you controversial, either." Tala followed. "Everyone agrees with that."

Barton scoffed and looked extremely offended.

"Everybody loves feminism." she told Tala. "I had to see some ad on YouTube this morning of this guy with a tampon string hanging out of his underwear."

“What was the ad for?” asked Tala.

“Fancy Feast.” 

“Guess it worked.”

Barton pursed her lips.

“Press is press.” Tala continued. “Point is, everyone hates feminists. Even feminists.”

"What?" Tex choked.

"Feminists hate feminists for making feminists look bad."

Tex's face screwed itself in confusion. Tala sighed.

"Okay." she started. "What you need to understand is there's not just one type of feminism. It's actually a couple of subgroups."

Tala clicked a few things on the screen of her laptop and motioned for Tex to join her at the table.

"Don't worry, it's not complicated." she said as she turned her screen towards Tex.

Tex had been lied to.

"You're dismissing both TERFs and anti-TERFs?" Barton asked.

"I don't give a fuck!" Tala shouted as she flipped over the table.

Barton caught the table before it fell, saving Tala's laptop in the process. The confusion of why a feminist group would name themselves after plastic grass was second to the confusion Tex began to feel when Tala pulled up another picture that looked even more complicated. 

Tex took a seat next to Tala and rested his chin in his hand.

"What we should do to avoid semantic confusion is to make a chart like this." followed Tala.

"Asymmetric bangs are over here, in the A5 square. So from now on, we can refer to the weird bang feminists as A5 feminists."

To Tex's infinite thanks, Tala closed the screen of her laptop once she’d finished talking.

"What did she think of the group?" Barton asked.

"She didn't like it." Tex answered. "Said all their talk about people hating women made her feel like they had a reason to."

Tala looked over at Tex like she hadn't understood his response.

"What?" Tex wondered.

"That's a strange way to react to that." Tala replied.

"I don't think so." said Barton.

"You don't?"

"No. That's how I would've reacted if I was able to care about anything."

Tala's eyes squinted with concentration. Whatever she was pondering, she was doing it intently enough to capture Tex's attention.

"Tex, how did you react to it?" Tala asked.

"I dunno.” he replied. “Made me kinda guilty."

Tala took out her phone. When Tex's phone buzzed, he pulled it out to see that Tala had made a poll in the group chat, asking _would increased media coverage of a certain group's lack of representation in fields which were considered to be valiant make you assume that the fault lied with the group, or with society as a whole?_

It took a few minutes for everyone to respond.

"Luke and Caverly both say the group, Sean and Bianca said society." Tala read. "Junji said the question was too vague."

Tala took another look at her phone. Tex was unsure what she was trying to do.

"How do Luke and Caverly feel about affirmative action?" Tala asked Tex.

"They're against." he answered.

"What about Bianca?"

"For."

Tala counted for a moment on her fingers before opening her mouth back up.

"Okay." said Tala. "So everyone who's for affirmative action said society and everyone who's against said the group with a remainder of Tex."

"Good luck applying that to the population." Barton replied.

There was a knock at the door. When Junji entered the room, Tex prayed to god that they’d be changing the subject. 

Thankfully, Tala pulled the Pain Finder Thing out of her bag and didn’t open her laptop back up. For the first time, Tex remembered why they had agreed to meet in the first place.

"Hello." Junji said as he sat down at the table across from Tex. "Did I miss anything?"

Junji was carrying a small plastic bag from Target. 

"No." Tex lied. “Just talking about the new dot.”

"There was a red dot, but it disappeared." Tala explained.

"Where was it?" asked Barton.

"Japan."

What little emotion there was on Junji's face fell off.

"I would prefer not to go to Japan." he said.

"We'll keep an eye on the dot." Tex replied. "If it don’t end up being a fluke, we'll figure something out."

"Thank you."

Tex stayed at the table as the meeting wrapped up. Tala and Barton left, but Junji stayed put.

"Something up?" Tex asked once the room was empty.

"Here is your penis strap." Junji replied.

“...Oh yeah, that.”

Junji held out the Target bag. Tex took it with a slight wince.

"How much was it?" Tex wondered.

"Twenty dollars."

Tex reached into his pocket to get Junji's money. As his fingers brushed passed the plastic from the Benadryl he'd taken, Tex's mind wandered back to the baffling events of his day.

"Hey, uh." he stumbled. "You remember when I was asleep in the cot? And you two were in my room."

"At the hospital? Yes."

"I was actually about half awake. I heard the argument you made to Lida."

"Oh. Yes. She was upset after the prayer meeting."

Tex refrained from commenting.

"I was not surprised." followed Junji.

"I just--I don't think you should make that argument." Tex stammered.

"What argument?"

"It seemed real dismissive. Blaming everything on circumstance." 

"Everything is circumstance."

"Do you never get embarrassed?"

"Embarrassed about what?"

"We all thought women were stupid for a million years. And treated them like property.”

Junji looked at Tex like he'd said the stupidest thing anyone had ever said.

“Shouldn't we be embarrassed that we--didn't notice that was a bad thing?" followed Tex.

"No. I have never treated anyone as my property, and neither have you."

"But I could've. If I'd been--born back then."

"If we're truly considering that stretch, you would have just as likely been born a woman."

Tex still felt like Junji was making the same argument.

"I don't think you should say that." Tex said.

"I don't understand why you feel that way."

Tex groaned.

"Hmm?" Junji hummed.

"I'm sorry. I can't talk about feminism anymore. I see one more chart about--ladies with sideways bangs, I'm gonna have to lie down."

Junji made the face he always made when Tex had said something he didn't understand.

“What is feminism?” asked Junji.

"Hell if I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been thinking recently and i'm wondering if it might have been hasty for me to assume that dismissal of women came from modern civilization and bla. i've heard a lot of professional archaeologists say this, and that should defently be strongly considered, but I also think it's possible that it could have been something else. For example, I've often thought that a good way to weaken a population (ie, keeping a working class from revolting) is to suppress one side of a naturally occurring spectrum within said population (ie, gender).


	16. Talking Heads

Tex walked up to the office ten minutes early to see that Junji was pacing outside the door with his phone up to his ear. After giving Junji a quick wave, Tex slipped into the office and closed the door behind him.

He sat down on the couch and pulled out a book.

_"Yes, I was looking to disguise myself._" he heard Junji say from the other side of the door.

Tex bit his lip. He knew he shouldn't be eavesdropping, but it wasn't like there was a lot of background noise.

_"The leading republican nominee._" Junji continued.

Tex could just barely hear a muffled voice on the other end, although he couldn't make out any words.

_"Yes, I can pass as a woman. _"

Tex turned the page of his book.

_"Thirteen billion dollars? That sounds reasonable. Yes, you as well._"

A few seconds of silence passed.

The door cracked open, and Junji stepped inside. Tex's eyes drifted above his book just in time to see Junji turn off his phone and put it back in his pocket.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

"...Howdy." 

"Why are you wearing a tie?"

Tex touched the blue flannel tie he was wearing over a dress shirt that was just a tad too loose.

"No reason." he answered.

Junji didn't look convinced, but he didn't seem like he cared enough to question it. 

"May I request a favor?" asked Junji.

"Request away." Tex replied.

"Ying is getting over a cold and wishes for me to come to her tomorrow instead of the other way around."

"She wants you to come to China?"

"No, she wants me to come to her jet."

"Ying has a jet!?"

"We've been over this."

Tex pushed his glasses up his nose while he recounted their conversation in Hong Kong.

"I was hoping you would drive me to the meeting once I'm done." Junji continued. "It's a bit away, and the bus I would need to take no longer comes after four thirty-nine."

"You don't wanna just pay for a train ticket?"

"I don't have money."

"You just spent thirteen billion dollars."

Junji's brow wrinkled in confusion.

"That money is for business." he explained.

Tex's first consideration was to lend Junji the ten dollar local train fare, but he quickly realized that picking up Junji meant an excuse to be late to Bianca's meeting and put off seeing her even longer.

"Sure." Tex promised. "I'll pick you up."

"Thank you. I understand that this will be a disservice, so if you'd like, we can make an agreement of how I will repay you."

Junji pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket.

"No, Junji, that's weird." said Tex.

Junji put the paper back in his pocket.

"Very well." Junji replied.

The door opened once again. Tex looked over to see Tala and Barton.

"Hello." Tala greeted.

Tala had been the one to call the meeting, although she hadn't given a why. Tex watched as she took a seat at the table and opened her laptop.

Barton sat down next to her, but all she opened was a newspaper.

"What's going on?" Junji asked.

"The red dot's back in Japan." answered Tala.

While Tex forced himself off the couch, Tala pulled out the Pain Finder Thing. He plopped down in the chair on her other side and took a look to see there was indeed a large red dot in Japan.

"I would prefer not to go to Japan." Junji stated.

"Why's that?" Tex wondered.

Junji didn't reply, although Tex quickly realized the answer was obvious.

"We could just get someone else for the trip." Tala suggested. "Who do we know?"

"Lida could go." Tex offered.

"No." Barton said from behind her paper.

"Does Lida want to watch people get tortured for an hour?" asked Tala.

Tex twisted his mouth to the side.

"Barton could do it, and Lida could do Barton's job." he replied.

_"No. _" Barton said from behind her paper.

"She knows how to use a gun."

"You know what? I'd be fine with her coming."

"Really?"

"As long as you don't come."

No one seemed content with the idea, and Tex realized it was probably for the best. He didn't want Lida to see him curled up in a vomit-covered ball.

"What about Marta?" followed Barton.

"Marta's dead." Tex replied.

"What do you mean, Marta's dead?"

"I mean, Marta's dead."

"What the hell. How long have you known?"

"Few months."

Barton gave Tex a look of disbelief.

"Come on." Tex said. "Maybe you'd know if you weren't reading them papers all the time."

"Don't take this away from me." Barton replied with a jab of her finger. "Reading the paper is most of my personality."

Tex did his best to snatch the paper from Barton. She kept an iron grip on it, but Tex managed to tear off a few pages.

"Hey!" she yelped.

Along with Tala, Tex scrambled to read the pages.

"Whoa." said Tex. "Two people get murdered in Chicago for every baby that's born?"

"Uh, everyone knows that." Tala replied. "What I didn't know was thirty-three percent of Americans still think being gay of sexual is a choice."

Tex frowned.

"That's all?" he wondered.

"Any study that claims a percentage like that is absolute nonsense." Junji spat.

"Thirty percent doesn't seem that unreasonable." Tala said.

"Any study that claims anything is absolute nonsense."

"Oh, but you can just claim that?"

Tala's words seemed to make Junji reconsider himself, but not enough for him to back down from a battle he'd initiated.

"Consider it." Junji started. "How would you even figure that out?"

"A survey." Tala replied.

"You would have to correctly assess the number of people in each demographic in the country so you could create a ratio to determine how many of each you should interview. They you would have to travel miles to find the participants." 

"You could just use the internet."

Junji frowned so hard his eyebrows inched closer together.

"You've bested me." he sighed. "I retract my case."

"How many people did they interview?" Tex asked.

Barton grabbed her paper back.

"They interviewed four Caucasian males," she read, "two African American females, and three Asian American females who all worked at an Arby's in Jefferson, Missouri." she read.

"We could do that." Tala replied. "One hundred percent of us believe it's genetic, so one hundred percent of Americans think it's genetic. Then we get ad space revenue."

Tex raised an eyebrow at Tala's words, and the other when no one disagreed with them. Tala's eyes squinted with confusion upon noticing his face.

"What?" she wondered.

"None of you think it's a choice?" asked Tex.

Tala's eyebrows darted up into her bangs.

"I thought so until you said that." she replied.

Tex bit the inside of his mouth.

"Do you actually think it's a choice?" followed Tala.

Tala's tone was more startled than condescending, but it made Junji scoff anyway.

"How are you surprised?" Junji asked as he folded his arms across his chest. "Of course he believes it's a choice."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tala asked.

"He grew up on a farm with nothing but twenty miles of empty highway and three tumbleweeds for every person."

"And?"

"He probably believes that middle easterners sacrifice every third newborn and that democrats are only pushing transgender activism because they want the government to own our genitals." 

"Oh, come on. That's just insulting."

Tex pursed his lips and looked down.

"How is that insulting?" Junji replied. "I didn't paint these ideologies as inconsistent."

"You're totally writing off farmers." said Tala. "How can you not see that?"

"I've no quarrel against farmers! I probably believe in an equal number of fabricated things."

"Hey, I don't believe--both those things." Tex stammered.

"I didn't say you did. I said it was probable."

"Uhuh."

"I will show you, it's quite simple."

As he spoke, Junji used his phone to pull something up on Reddit and placed it on the table.

“After observing the identical nature of these maps,” Junji started, “and considering republican’s relationship with—”

"Ugh." Barton groaned. "I remember, New Mexico went purple that year."

"It's purple states you don't like?" Tex wondered.

"Centrists are like quails. They take so long trying to figure out which way to cross the street, that--"

Barton smacked her palm with the back of her other hand.

"A car hits them." she finished. "Only thing the dumbest people in the world got in common is they all live in New Mexico."

"Junji, that map is sixty years old." Tala noted.

Junji grabbed his phone back and typed something into the search bar. A moment later, he placed it back on the table with a map of the data from the election just a year prior of 2068.

It looked almost exactly the same, save for the subtraction of Texas.

"Man, the dumbest people are in New Mexico again." Barton said in awe. "Must be a gas leak or something."

"That is the stupidest--that is the worst--" Tex stammered. "How could you--"

"Thank you." Junji cut in with a clap of his hands. "Thank you. Dallas. For making my point."

"Oh, Junji gets to make a point." Tala huffed. "What about my question?"

"What question?" 

"Do you really think it's a choice?"

To Tex's horror, Tala's eyes were on him. 

"I'm not--I ain't saying it's a bad choice." he managed.

"Jesus." said Barton. "It's genetic, dumbass."

"You think it's genetic? Then how come you hate gays?"

"I don't. I think they're hilarious."

"Oh, come on. Since when."

"Look, it's simple. If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us, I say let them."

Tala vomited on the table.

"Whoa!" Tex yelped.

"I'm sorry." Tala choked. "That joke was just so bad."

It took a while to collect enough paper towels to clean up Tala's vomit, but they managed. Although they did move to the other office once they'd finished.

"What were we talking about?" Junji asked as he took a seat on the floor next to Tex.

"We went on a bunch of tangents." answered Tala. "Tex didn't answer my question."

"What question?" Tex wondered.

Tala touched the space between her eyebrows and rubbed.

"How could someone think it's a choice." she replied. "Like, conceptually, I don't understand that."

As terrified as Tex was to ever give his opinion on any social issue, he supposed his coworkers had never attempted to castrate and exile him in the past.

"What's not to understand?" Tex asked.

"I never had to make a choice when I was growing up." Tala explained. "There was never like, a prompt or anything."

Tex had never been more confused.

"Course it's a choice." he said. "You choose who you bone outta your own free will, don't you?"

"I don't see what that has to do with anything." Tala replied.

"That's got everything to do with it. Everybody's got temptations--though I ain't saying it's a bad thing--"

"Just give your weird opinion."

"I get thoughts sometimes. I don't act on them."

Tala winced for a heartbeat before opening her mouth back up.

"Okay, but being gay isn't about who you fuck." said Tala.

"What's it about, then?" Tex asked.

"It's about who you're attracted to. You could be attracted to men but only sleep with women. But you'd still be gay."

"I don't agree with that."

Junji rubbed his temples.

"Okay. But do you think the amount of 'temptations'--" Tala asked with little pinky quotes, "--people feel varies? Maybe on their inherent biology?"

"...I don't know." Tex admitted.

Barton snored. Tex looked over to see she'd fallen asleep.

"I guess I don't really care that much." Tala shrugged. "And Barton brings up a good point, I still need to find out who our target in Japan is."

Tala got up from her spot by the desk and left so quickly that Tex's head spun. He'd completely forgotten about the reason they'd met up in the first place.

"I am sorry I can't go to Japan." Junji said once Tala had shut the door behind her.

"Don't worry about it." Tex replied. "Ain't a big deal."

"Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow."

Junji waved goodbye as he left. Tex looked at his phone and groaned when he realized how late it was. He'd gone down to Arkansas the day before to see Lida and give her a key, and she'd promised to visit him the next night as thanks.

He was happy to see her, but he wasn't sure if he had the energy.

"Night, Barton." he muttered as he left the office.

Tex jogged to his building fast to escape the rain. He didn't see Junji once along the way, which was confusing considering Junji had only left about thirty seconds before him.

He could only assume it meant Junji hadn't wanted to go home after the meeting.

Lida was sitting cross-legged on his couch when Tex got home. She was doing something on her iPad, although she turned it over when Tex took a seat on the coffee table in front of her.

"Howdy." she greeted.

She was smiling, although her eyes were still on the backside of her iPad.

"Hey." Tex replied. "You sure let yourself in."

"Forgot how fast the train was. Can you blame me for not wanting to wait in the rain?"

"Guess I can't."

Lida replied with a tiny snicker and gave the end of his tie a tug. Tex leaned forward just far enough to put a finger on her iPad.

"Were you busy?" he asked.

"I'm always busy."

"Money laundering?"

"...Look, you can't just not launder money."

Tex hopped off the coffee table. He took a sideways seat on his couch, supporting his back with the armrest that opposed Lida.

"How you doing?" Tex wondered.

"Doing alright. How was work?"

"It was fine. We didn't have enough to do."

"Shoot. You can always help me with my work."

Tex let out a nervous whistle.

"No way." he replied. "I ain't never helping you with your work again."

"Just like you said in 2042..." Lida trailed off, a smile ghosting over her mouth.

"Hey."

"And thirty-eight, and twenty-nine--"

"Hell are you talking about, twenty-nine? We met in thirty-seven."

"Nah, we met _again_ in thirty-seven. We had second and third grade together."

"You're crazy."

Lida jabbed her finger at Tex with one hand and unlocked her iPad with the other. Tex watched as she began to sift through files.

"Whatcha looking for?" asked Tex.

"Video evidence. My mama just sent me a flashdrive a while back, and I remember seeing something.”

It took Lida about thirty seconds to find what she was looking for. But by the time she had, it was no longer necessary.

"Nah, wait, you're right." Tex said with his eyes shut. "We both had Mrs. Meyers, but then you moved away till Los Angeles attacked. Yeah, I remember."

"Wanna watch it anyway?"

Lida patted the seat next to her.

Tex flicked up his brow and scooted over, offering his knee as a resting surface for the tablet.

"Don’t see why not." he replied.

Lida pressed play.

By the time they were five seconds in, Tex realized there was no picture. But there was audio, made apparent by the shuffling and tapping of tiny feet.

_"Lift me up before anybody sees!"_ he heard an invisible Lida order.

"You should direct." Tex said to current Lida.

Lida chuckled and smacked him on the arm. 

Thankfully, footage popped into view on the iPad as the camera capturing the video was pulled out Lida’s pocket. Tex eyed the upside-down picture on the screen to see a lopsided version of himself, wide-eyed and four feet tall.

He couldn’t have been more than seven.

"Ah, man, look at me." he muttered. “Didn't even remember we were friends."

"We were--associates." Lida replied.

“You sweet on me back then, too?”

Tex was hit in the arm once again.

The racks of toys in the shot implied the video had been taken at a department store. The camera was focused on a wall of various Magic the Gathering card packs that Tex could just barely remember.

"Are we--are we shoplifting?" Tex realized.

"Yeah. We used to steal Magic cards and sell them to the six graders."

The camera fell out of focus as past Lida started to climb the racks to get to the top row, but Tex reached out before she could get far. 

_"No, we shouldn't take the master packs._" said tiny Tex. _"Just take the standard like everyone else._"

_"Why wouldn't you want the master packs?"_ Lida replied.

_"Cause they're a lotta money. Grown-up collectors buy them, and Mr. Fernandez says grown-ups pay him most of his money._"

Seven-year old Lida let out a sigh that was condescending enough to make thirty-eight year old Tex wince.

_"So, it's perfect._" she explained. _"No one else will get them and then we'll be the only ones selling them._"

_"Who cares if we're the only ones? Get the standard._"

_"God, you're so stupid. If we're the only ones, we can get as much happy powder for it as we want._"

"What the hell is happy powder?" current Tex wondered.

Lida let out a snort.

"Kool Aid powder mixed with sugar." she answered. "We used to barter with it."

_"We’re not gonna do this, Lida._"

_"Oh, what are you gonna do? Hit me?"_

Tiny Tex pouted.

The rest of the video went exactly as Tex would have expected. Lida took over recess, Tex refused to resort to violence against a girl, and Mr. Hernandez went out of business.

"Goddamn." Tex said once the video had finished. "You started young."

"Guess you could say that."

Lida put her tablet in sleep more while he spoke. As Tex recalled the video, he realized there was something he'd neglected to ask.

"Hey, I got a question." he stated.

"Uhuh." Lida replied.

"What is it you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"In the black market. What do you trade?"

"Oh. I do pimping."

Tex's lips parted with a breath of surprise. 

"You're a pimp?" asked Tex.

"Well, yeah." Lida answered.

"And you're alright with that?"

"Don't see nothing wrong with it."

"How could you just--whore out a lady like that?"

"Not just ladies."

Tex made no attempt not to let his disapproval write itself on his face.

"The money to build our hometown was all cause of whores, you know that." Lida followed with a frown. "You _voted _in favor of legalization of prostitution every year we lived together."

"Yeah. That way they won't need pimps."

"I treat them right, they treat me right. They got rights, they can quit anytime. What, you think I smack people around?"

Tex chewed on the inside of his mouth for a few seconds of silence. He didn't feel much better about it, but he was pretty sure she'd beat his argument fair and square.

"Shoot," Lida continued, "I could make a lot more than I was now if I didn't have a heart."

"Really now?"

"Sure I could. Hell, you know how many zeros I could add to my income helping people stay hooked on opioids?"

Tex supposed he didn't have any grounds to be upset. So with a little sigh, he did his best to relax the muscles in his back.

"You're right." said Tex. "Sorry for getting fired up."

"It's alright. Didn't think you were too bad."

Tex wasn't sure, but Lida looked surprised that he'd backed down so easily. 

"Mind if I ask another question?" he asked. "I won't make a thing out of it."

"What's that?"

"What are you doing for Junji?"

Lida turned her iPad over to the front side and glanced down to the piece of tape she'd placed over the camera.

"Couple things." she replied. "Somebody doxed the Wells on drone footage. I sent Tagawa to some people who got ahold of the tape."

"Who're the Wells?"

"They're the couple that run the biggest pedo ring in the country."

Every muscle in Tex's chest sized up at the thought. But still, his curiosity doubled.

"Who doxed them?" he pushed.

Lida winced.

"Not sure." she answered. "But damn, I don't envy him."

"What happened?"

"The guy got caught. Gonna be a long time before they let him die."

Tex's eyes opened wide as every hair on his body shot up towards the ceiling.

"Why would you say that?" he hissed.

Lida glanced over at Tex and flicked her brow upon noticing his expression.

"Cause that's what happened." she replied.

"I don't wanna hear about that."

"But it's what happened."

"Alright, so what? I don't wanna hear about it."

It did little to revert Tex's state when unmistakable disapproval passed over Lida's face.

"I don't understand why this upsets you so much." said Lida.

"I don't understand why it don't upset you."

"You just gotta push it back sometimes. Ain't hard."

Tex had been trying his whole life to push things back, but he'd never been as good at it as he wanted to be.

"You have to learn about stuff if you wanna make things better." Lida followed. "He's being tortured, and the least you can do is hear about it."

Nausea began to creep down to Tex's stomach. He combated it in the only way he could think of, by bolting off the couch, by going to the bathroom, turning on the cold water, and shoving his head under the stream.

Tex sighed in relief as the red in his vision gradually dimmed.

He felt able to pull his head out after about thirty seconds. As he toweled through his hair, his heart sunk with the realization that Lida was right. To morally compensate for the guilt he felt about his outburst, he made a note to hate himself.

Lida was waiting outside the door, but he barely noticed. 

"Tex. I'm sorry." she started. "I didn't want you to--"

"Mmh." 

"...Where you going?"

"I'll--see you later."

It was all Tex felt he could say without breaking down. He left his apartment with no goal in mind and ended up at a bar two blocks down.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd been to a bar by choice. Still, he remembered how to order drinks, mingle, cry, and watch porno in the bathroom.

When Tex woke up the next morning, he was in an apartment, but not the same one he'd remembered leaving.

His head didn't feel great.

He was curled up on a couch in an empty living room, and his entire body was soaking wet. With a grunt, he rolled over and stepped onto aching feet to find he was in an apartment that was the same style as his own.

An unlocked tablet sat on the coffee table. Tex leaned over it and took a look to see if it could help him figure out who'd taken him in.

The toilet flushed. A moment later, Tex looked over his shoulder to see that Tala had stepped out of the bathroom.

"Hello." she greeted.

"Hey." Tex replied as he rubbed the crust out of his eyes. "Hell am I doing here?"

"You got drunk last night so I let you stay over."

"Why am I wet?"

"I dumped water on you so that if you peed, you wouldn't have to find out."

"...Why'd you pour it on my whole body?"

Tala blinked.

"I dunno." she replied.

"And how did you know I was drunk?"

"You messaged the group chat last night saying you didn't want to come home. I was the only one still up."

Tex supposed the explanation made sense.

"You also sent some of your poetry." followed Tala.

"Was it good?" Tex asked.

"No."

"...Oh."

"Yeah, I was really embarrassed for you actually. I had to jump through a bunch of hoops to get the app to delete your messages so no one else would see them."

"Thanks."

There was a noise as the bathroom door opened again. Sean stepped out a second later, although Tex wasn't sure how.

"Hey Tex!" said Sean.

"Oh, hey--Sean." Tex stammered.

"How's it going?"

"Alright."

"So, uh, which fight did you and Lida get into?"

"Which one?"

"Yeah, which one of the two?"

Tex groaned and rubbed his temples. His whole body was sore, and he longed for a shower just for the warm water.

"Hell are you doing here, anyway?" he asked.

"Sean's my boyfriend." answered Tala.

"Is that what we are?" Sean wondered. 

"For the moment. I like to choose a new label every couple of days."

"Sounds like a system." Tex muttered.

"Yeah. Funny thing is, though, we actually have a really stable relationship."

Tex wasn't sure why, but it was at that moment that he remembered his promise to Junji. He pulled out his phone and looked at the time.

It was almost four thirty.

"I should get going." he said as he got to sore feet. "Thanks for letting me crash here."

"It's fine." Tala replied. "But maybe, like, get a therapist."

Tex grumbled as he walked past Tala and made his way into the bathroom so that he could pee for a solid minute. He tossed some water at his face while he washed his hands, but it didn't help much.

When he pulled out his phone to text Junji that he was almost on his way, he discovered a new file icon saved to his phone labeled _Where is the Hair_. 

He gave it a click.

Where is the Hair?

lifes little question  
like  
why do  
women in pornos always got their  
tongues out when  
they come

a man  
with the body of a god and the face of  
an inbred dog pounds into her  
shrieking like apes  
the two of them  
the camera does a zoom on his asshole  
why

i am not aroused

Tex was unsure what Tala hadn't liked about his poem.

He left the bathroom after putting his phone back in his pocket. He then shut the door behind him, although it only stayed closed for a moment before opening back up from the inside.

Sean stepped out of the bathroom.

"Sorry, forgot my shoes." Sean explained.

"How did you--When did you--" Tex stammered.

"Can I give you some advice?"

"...What?"

Tex was only very uncomfortable when Sean put a hand on his shoulder and stared down to his brain through the centers of his pupils.

**"It might not ever go away."** said Sean. **"But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it anyway."**

Tex's brow twisted with confusion.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Oh!" Sean replied, his eyes snapping open. "Oh, sorry, got ahead of myself and gave you the wrong advice. The advice I meant to give you was to end your comically terrible relationship."

Although Sean's answer made no sense, Tex felt that he didn't have all the information he needed to understand it yet.

"Lida's fine." Tex said.

"Never said she wasn't." 

Tex scowled.

"Well, I'm fine too." he replied.

It was Sean's turn to look confused. Tex sighed and stepped away from the conversation.

"Catch you later." Tex muttered as he finally managed to exit Tala's apartment.

The walk to his car wasn't fun, considering that he didn't have time to change out of his damp clothes. The twenty minute drive was even worse, although he managed to make it without having to pull over into the emergency lane and hide in the side woods to simultaneously vomit and shit at the same time more than twice.

Tex found the address in an industrial, open-ended part of the city. There was a lot of parking available, considering it was a runway. 

There was no jet in sight when he stepped out of the car. The only thing he could see was a security guard standing in the center of the concrete plain, who waved Tex over upon noticing him.

"Name?" the guard asked.

"Uh, Dallas Tex."

"Checks out."

"There supposed to be some kinda plane here?"

The guard lifted his hand to the side and pulled on what looked like nothing. A moment later, a hatch opened up to reveal just a sliver of the inside of a jet.

The sliver hung in the air. Tex blinked a few times, wanting to make sure his eyes were working properly.

"It has a chameleon device." the guard explained.

"Oh."

The guard stepped out of the way so Tex could slowly climb an invisible short staircase. He was at first surprised that Ying had gone to such lengths to protect herself, although it made more sense after a few more seconds of thought.

The inside of the plane was covered in yellow velvet. As strange of a sight as it was, Tex felt it was somehow familiar.

"...fail to understand why it's socially acceptable to lie to children with the excuse of Christmas cheer." said Ying's voice. "Teaching them that a grown man can fit down a chimney? I'm sure many children have died from trying to climb inside themselves and catching fire."

Tex looked over to see Junji and Ying's heads poking out the top of a large, square tub made of wood that sat about ten feet to his left. Although the rough surface of the swirling water covered them, Tex could tell that they only thing they had to clothe themselves were white washcloths draped over their foreheads, as well as the medical mask that Ying wore.

"Perhaps they will reason that Santa simply uses a theoretical technology to increase the density of his person and lower his mass." Junji replied.

A large book sat next to the two of them. Tex recognized it from the first time he'd met Ying as their list of illegal things.

"Hmm." Ying hummed. "I suppose I would find it acceptable to keep the act of teaching children about Santa legal, but only if they're also taught that Santa is equipped with some sort of mechanization that allows him to manipulate himself in ways we've not yet come to understand."

"Think that's called magic." said Tex.

Ying and Junji both looked over in Tex's direction. Ying didn't look particularly satisfied with his appearance, but she also didn't look surprised. 

Junji waved.

"Magic is a--nonsense concept." Ying replied, momentarily cutting herself off to cough. "If magic was real, it would not be magic. It would be physics."

"...Guess that makes sense." Tex replied.

"Yes. That is why we've voted to make magic illegal."

After drying her hands on a towel, Ying opened the book for Tex to see. Tex stepped forward and squinted to see they'd written the word 'magic' down, right below murder and right above uncontacted tribes.

"Perhaps magic should be used to categorize alternative physics." Junji suggested.

"Man, this is a great conversation." Tex said.

"Yes, we are having a nice time."

"Any reason you're having it in the bath?"

Two sets of eyes focused on Tex and let him know he'd asked the dumbest question anyone could have possibly thought of.

"We had the choice of being in warm water, or not being in warm water." Ying explained. "We chose to be in warm water."

"What are you, five?" asked Tex.

"This isn't even strange." Junji added. "Communal bathing is common in my country."

Tex felt his eyes widen with realization. After so much time, he'd finally come to understand why Junji was so lustful; Japan was an extremely sex positive nation.

"So that's why they make all them paintings of ladies with squids..." Tex muttered.

Ying coughed again. Her throat sounded raw.

"I'm going to the restroom." she said as she stood. "I may be a while, my intestinal tract has been irritated as of late."

As Ying left for a tiny bathroom at the other end of the plane, Tex invested an obscene amount of energy into trying to figure out where he'd be looking if he wasn't investing any energy into it at all.

"You ready to go?" Tex asked Junji once she'd shut herself in.

"If you insist," Junji slowly answered, "but I am very comfortable."

Tex looked at the time on his phone. They were already late to Bianca's meeting, but Tex didn't exactly feel ready to face her.

"Alright." Tex replied.

"Would you care to join me?"

As terrifying as the suggestion was, Tex's hangover and wet clothes had left him feeling dirty and sore enough to be tempted. He could feel the heat rising from the water, even though he was still a few feet away.

Although he wasn't about to get naked.

"Hang on." Tex said as he took off his shoes.

After removing his socks, belt, and all the contents of his pockets, Tex grit his teeth and stepped towards the tub. Junji watched with amusement as Tex lowered himself into the water and sat down on the bench.

Tex's muscles immediately began to relax as the warmth enveloped him. It felt strange to wear jeans under water, but it wasn't horrible. When his glasses started to fog up, he dipped them in the water and put them back on.

"You were supposed to shower first." Junji chuckled.

The tub was big enough that Tex had a good four feet of room between his toes and Junji's, and the jets that swirled around them kept Tex from being able to see anything of Junji besides the tattoos on his upper body.

Tex had never gotten a good look of Junji's tattoos with his glasses on before. He found himself fixating on a black and white snake that twisted around a series of red flowers under Junji's chest.

"Are you still afraid of me?" Junji asked, his voice thick with amusement.

"Only thing I'm afraid of is finding out you got a bigger penis."

The smile dropped from Junji's face. For a few long moments, it seemed like he was intently considering something.

"You alright?" Tex wondered.

"I am contemplating. It's--It's nothing."

"Contemplating what?"

Junji chewed on his lower lip with clear distress. Anxiety began to prickle under Tex's skin.

"You were going to find out eventually." he said as he pulled himself up and took a stand on the bench.

All at once, Tex inhaled in astonishment and lost his footing on the floor of the bath. The bottom of his head dipped below the water for only a single second, but it was long enough for his inhale to be one of liquid.

Once he'd regained his balance, Tex turned around and propped himself up on the edge of the bath with his elbows so Junji wouldn't have to witness his coughing fit.

_"Oh. _" Tex sputtered. "That is--that is not a penis."

It took Tex about two minutes of deep breathing and half a blunt to calm him down. He didn't turn back around until Junji had lowered himself back under the water.

"My apologies." Junji repeated for the fifth time. "I should have told you in a more graceful way."

"It's alright. It's alright." Tex replied. "I'm sorry. Just really weren't what I was expecting."

"I understand. I'm assuming you have some questions for me?"

"Uh, I got a couple. Not too sure if they're appropriate."

"You will not offend me."

"Are--uh, are you a man?" 

Junji's smile was bright as he started to laugh. Tex wasn't sure what he'd been expecting.

"I don't know what a man is." Junji answered.

"Well, you know what I think a man is."

"Why would I know that?"

Tex supposed that Junji had a point. The longer he thought about it, the less meaning he found in the concept.

"I have no Y chromosome." followed Junji.

"...Holy shit."

Truthfully, any personal prejudices Tex might have had were overshadowed by how utterly amazed he was that Junji existed.

"You mind if I ask a question?" Tex wondered.

"I do not."

"It's about--your--uh--"

"I'd figured."

Tex took a moment to collect himself. Still, he found himself stammering when he started to speak again.

"When did you--" he managed. "How old were you when--"

"My family was very wealthy. While I was still a fetus, my parents paid to check for problematic factors, such as heart disorders or a cleft lip. I transitioned before I was born."

Tex could almost feel the water around him cooling when his blood turned to ice.

"Was this a..." Tex trailed off. "Was this a gov--"

"No, it was a private company."

Tex breathed out a tiny sigh of relief as two thirds of his anxiety left him.

"Still. I don't really know how I feel about that." he admitted.

"Why is that?"

"Couldn't the machine be wrong?"

"Of course. I could've been a hermaphrodite and miscategorized as trans, or it could've been a fluke assessment. Or perhaps my mother simply thought she would get along better with a son."

"...But?"

"But I think nature could be wrong, some of the time. I pity any fool who claims to fully understand the process of--sexual determination."

It took Tex a long moment to search for the words he wanted, as he had no desire to make Junji uncomfortable. He then, however, remembered that he probably couldn't even if he was trying to.

"Let's say you're right." Tex started slowly. "That being--whatever you are is something people are born with."

"Alright." 

"I still think it's something people gotta choose themselves."

When Junji replied, he looked quite thoughtful.

"It is likely that I would've had a more difficult time with surgeries post birth." Junji replied.

"Yeah, well, I dunno..."

"What are your hesitations?"

Tex found his thoughts too jumbled to put into words.

"Guess I'd just have to know more about--a lot of things." he answered. "All I really got going off is what you've told me. I ain't saying I don't trust you, but--" 

Tex cut himself off when Junji started to laugh.

"It's alright." Junji replied. "I am not trying to convince you of anything."

"...Do you got an opinion?"

Junji touched his chin. To Tex's surprise, he got the feeling Junji had never thought about it before.

"I'm not opposed to the idea of creating a machine to better align ourselves in any sense." Junji started. "But I would have to know more about the specific machine that aligned me to give my opinion on it."

"You don't think a machine like that is dangerous?"

"Not inherently. I consider biology itself to be as much of a machine."

Tex wasn’t sure what to make of Junji’s response.

"I got a thousand more questions." Tex admitted.

"Ask away."

Twice, Tex sucked in a breath only to let it out. Finally, he managed to keep his mouth open. 

"Does it work?" asked Tex.

"You'll have to be more specific."

"Do it bleed?"

"No."

"Does it--do sex stuff?"

Junji laughed for a moment before answering.

"Yes." he replied. "Very well."

"It looked pretty normal." Tex observed.

"Why wouldn't it?"

"I'd have thought the rest of you being a man might've made it work wrong or something."

Junji readjusted his weight under the water.

"The only thing testosterone does to a vagina is elongate the clitoris." he explained. "I, however, had mine surgically reduced to a standard size out of fear that it would get caught in my zip--"

"Oh, _Christ. _" Tex winced as his hands shot down under the water to cover his crotch. "Don't even say that." 

Junji chuckled again as his eyes drifted to the wall. Tex followed Junji's gaze to see a digital clock.

"Did you want to go to the meeting?" Junji asked.

"Nah, I'm too stoned to drive."

"So be it."

Junji motioned for Tex to pass him the blunt, and Tex complied. Junji didn't look particularly uncomfortable, so Tex saw no reason not to keep going.

"You happy?" he pushed. "Being--like that?"

"I am happy." answered Junji. "All I care is that the people around me are attracted to me, and that I am attracted to the people around me."

"And you don't want a...?"

"I had the option of having one surgically installed in my adolescence. I turned it down."

"Any reason why?"

"Have you ever tried to sneak cyanide through the TSA up your dick hole?"

Tex had not tried to sneak cyanide through the TSA up his dick hole, nor did he plan to.

"Hey." he said. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm pleased with your reaction."

Tex felt his eyebrow raise.

"What'd you mean by that?" asked Tex.

"Oh. I was worried you wouldn't care for me anymore."

Tex quickly clenched his teeth before his jaw could think about dropping. 

He'd never taken Junji as someone who'd been clever with signaling or predicting the impact of his words even in his home country. Still, the simple tone of Junji's statement and the way he'd darted his eyes down just a second after muttering it was suspicious enough to make Tex feel guilty even though he didn't feel he'd done anything wrong.

"Christ." Tex muttered. "You really thought that?"

"I wasn't sure."

"Trust me, this was a cake walk. You having an ax wound ain't even the weirdest thing I've learned about you today."

It was only after he'd spoken that Tex realized he'd used several terms Junji had probably never learned, but the tiny, sheepish smile that passed over Junji's face indicated he'd picked up the meaning from context.

"I'm glad to hear it." Junji replied.

There was a sudden rattling. Tex looked over to see Ying step out of the bathroom.

She was still naked, although her hair was now wet.

"Oh, you two are still here?" she asked.

"Our apologies." Junji replied. "We were just leaving."

Junji stood up, and Tex followed suit. He forgot that he was still wearing clothes until he'd already gotten half way out of the tub.

Ying frowned.

"It is not a washing machine." she scolded.

"...I'm sorry." Tex replied, clothes clinging to his body.

"Here." Junji said as he opened his backpack. "I brought an extra."

Tex was handed a small lump of fabric that to his amazement, unfolded out to reveal a long-sleeved white shirt and a pair of athletic cargo pants. Ying still didn't look particularly happy with him, but she let him change in the bathroom.

The clothes fit better than Tex would have expected.

Junji had put all his own clothes on by the time Tex left the bathroom, but Tex still ended up getting left with Ying for a moment while Junji peed.

"So, uh. How's it going?" Tex asked as he collected his things.

"You will have to be more specific." she sighed.

"What are you doing--tomorrow?"

"I'm leaving for a two day presentation. I hope I will not still be sick for the presentation."

"Thanks. Here's some...here's some money. For the water."

Tex handed Ying a ten dollar bill, which she took with an indescribable expression. 

Junji emerged from the bathroom. Tex waited patiently for him to put his shoes on and say goodbye to Ying. As they left the jet, Tex made a mental note to stop trying to get Ying to like him.

The air outside was cold, but Tex found himself surprisingly insulated.

"These clothes are real comfy." he noted as they walked to the car.

"You can keep them if you want." Junji replied. "I have others."

Tex didn't really want to drive, although he wasn't about to make Junji drive a car on the opposite side of the road as he was used to. 

"I feel bad for missing the meeting." Junji said as Tex found his way onto the main road.

"It's alright. We're meeting again in two days."

"What for? That's not a Wednesday."

"We always have a little culture night the week after Tax day. It's a tradition."

"Ah."

They came to a red light. Tex did his best not to watch as the dog on the street corner next to them took a dump, but his eyes lingered in distaste when he noticed the dog was staring its owner in the eyes. 

"Never got why dogs do that." Tex muttered.

"All pack animals do that. They're vulnerable to predators while defecating, so they watch each other."

"Gross. Glad we ain't pack animals."

"Did you never read about public toilets?"

The two of them ended up eating dinner together back at their apartment complex. Although Tex knew Lida had left for work, he still suggested they eat in Junji's room instead. 

"...she shouted 'Not if we nuke you first!' and mooned all the Russians." Tex said as Junji poured whey protein on a slice of pork. "Anyway, they didn't send us aid."

“Why was Barton put in change of negotiations."

"We weren’t exactly organized."

Junji didn't reply in favor of chewing his food. As Tex scraped the potatoes around his plate, he realized he had one last bit of burning curiosity.

Although he didn't know how to ask.

"You, uh--" Tex started. "I got another question."

"Yes."

"You remember that time I got all mad at you for--taking Tala for a roll?"

"Yes."

"I've been wondering, how do two ladies even--"

Tex cut himself off in sudden realization.

"--and I ain't saying you're a lady--" he finished.

"What's your question?"

"How did you..."

Tex made little 'V's with both sets of fingers and began to smush them together.

"Oh, how we made love?" Junji asked. "We--"

"I don't wanna know!" Tex shouted as he ran out of the room.


	17. An Economic Inevitability

Two days had passed since Tex had opted out of Bianca's Wednesday meeting in favor of dicking around with Junji on Ying's jet. But he hadn't dared miss their annual Tax Day meeting, as it was always filled to the brim with culture, political debate, and intellectual integrity.

"In 2019, Hi-Point asked their fans to come up with a name for their new gun." said Sean. "This was the name of--"

Tala pressed her buzzer.

"What is, The Yeet Canon?" she asked.

"Correct!" Sean announced. "Six Jolly Ranchers for Tala."

Tala pumped her fist and fished out six blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers from the bowl.

"Please choose the next category." Sean followed.

"I'll take meme weapons for eight Jolly Ranchers." 

Tex frowned. Tala had breezed through the first three questions for the Meme Weapons category in a row, so he knew he had to do something if he wanted to win.

"In 1932," Sean read, "the Australian military wasted ten thousand rounds of ammunition losing to this opponent." 

Tala pressed her buzzer, but Tex hit his faster.

"What is, an Emu?" asked Tex.

"That is correct! Tex gets to choose the next question."

The only categories left with remaining questions were Cartoons with Political Undertones, Republicans and Democrats, and Stereotypes About Black People That Aren't Also Stereotypes About Poor People.

"Dallas." Junji whispered. "Might I speak to you for a moment?"

Junji had insisted on sitting next to Tex, even though he hadn't wanted to play.

"No, I'm trying to win candy." Tex replied.

"What's your pick?" Sean pushed.

"I'll take Republicans and Democrats for two Jolly Ranchers."

Sean glanced at the scoreboard before reading the question off his clipboard.

"The difference between the death of a rich republican and the death of a poor republican." he stated.

Tala made it to her buzzer first.

"What is, fifty years?" she asked.

From her spot next to the snack table, Barton snorted and broke into a fit of laughter so raspy she might as well have had gravel in her throat.

“That is correct!" Sean replied. "Next one's yours, Tala.

"I want Stereotypes About Black People That Aren't Also Stereotypes About Poor People for two Jolly Ranchers."

"A box of this on the table is the biggest difference between a white party and a black party."

Tala pressed her buzzer again.

"What is, Lactaid?" answered Tala.

"Right again!"

"Woke. I'll take Cartoons with Political Undertones for two Jolly Ranchers."

"Dallas." Junji hissed. "I need to speak to you and the others."

"In season thirty-five, episode eighteen of South Park,” Sean continued, “the show came to this conclusion about Walt Disney's unfreezing and return from the Disney Vault."

Tex hit the buzzer.

"What is, put him back?" he asked.

"Correct! Choose a new question."

"Alright. Gimme Cartoons with Political Undertones for four Jolly Ranchers."

"In the show Avatar, this imperialist character was given a redemption--"

Bianca slammed her finger down on her button.

"Who is Zuko?" she answered.

"Whoa, hearing from Bianca." Sean replied. "That is--"

"Honestly, though, I'm always so disappointed with how writers handle the redemption of villainous characters, because I was so spoiled by the writing of Zuko in Avatar. I don't feel satisfied when the mean dude character does one good thing and then everyone acts like he hasn't been antagonizing the main characters for the whole story prior. It feels super cheap. Even more so when the character in need of redemption decides to sacrifice their life for the heroes, as if that absolves them of their responsibility. It's good to forgive, but there are better ways to redeem than to kill them off righteously. I feel like Zuko's story is so fulfilling because his redemption is reliant on his mistakes, and his choice to not only take accountability for them but to actively seek to make things right. He doesn't just say 'Hey, I am a good guy now.' His journey was so difficult, so painful, and so riddled with errors of his own judgement that the only way for him to truly be redeemed was for a symbolic victory to be won over his past self. Because of the expectations put upon him by his culture and his father, Zuko's sense of self had been twisted to resemble something he's not. At the beginning of his story he represented anger, hatred, and dominance to the audience, and he acts as the show's truest antagonist. But as the show goes on, it can be seen so clearly that Zuko is a compassionate person, tricked into believing his care for others was a sign of weakness. We only get like, fifteen or so episodes of Good Zuko, but the ways in which he changes speak volumes about his character. The first instinct he has is to apologize to the main cast for everything he's done. He basically grovels before them in repentance, fully aware of the atrocities he committed. While not every member of the group can bring themselves to forgive him, Katara especially, I don't actually think that's what was important to Zuko at that point. I think more than anything Zuko wanted to help, to make things better in any way he could. He had to make up for all of his rage with unrelenting kindness. The fire nation always says they are proud and strong, but what Zuko realized is that much like his uncle said, the only way to recover from crushing shame is to practice true humility. To acknowledge one's shortcomings, and to immediately try to improve them rather than to deny and cover them with a false pride. I also think he came to realize that good relationships are built upon trust, which is why he sought to aid the most personal troubles of Sokka and Katara. There are so many moments when a thing Zuko does makes me look downward and shake my head, but at the end of it all no character makes me feel more warm and satisfied. We are all sad when we see him lose his way, but he finds it again all by himself."

Sean blinked.

"...Alright." said Sean. "You get to choose the next category."

"Okay." Bianca happily replied. "I'll take Democrats and Republicans for six Jolly Ranchers."

Sean looked down at his clipboard.

"Democrat politicians have this, while Republican politicians have this." he read.

Tex jammed his finger on his button.

"What is, sex scandals, and gay sex scandals?" Tex replied.

Barton broke down laughing once again and was forced to put a hand on the table to steady herself.

"That is incorrect." Sean admitted.

"What?!"

"But you're so close. I'll give you another guess."

As Tex thought back to every news headline he'd seen in the last ten years, Junji stirred impatiently beside him.

"Is it a trick question?" asked Tex.

"Yup." Sean answered.

"Which part did I get right?"

"Sex scandals."

Tex's eyes lit up with realization.

"Is it, they both get into child sex scandals?" he realized.

Barton started to wheeze and fell to the ground with a clunk. Luke spat out a mouthful of wine.

"...Whoa!" Luke yelped.

"That is correct." Sean said with a nod.

"Whoa!!" Caverly replied.

"Sean, you put child sex scandals on the list?" asked Luke.

"What about it?" Sean wondered.

"You can't just say stuff like that!"

Refusing to look anyone else in the eye, Tex unwrapped a green apple Jolly Rancher and popped it in his mouth.

"About pedo scandals?" Tala said to Luke. "There's been like fifty."

Tex turned the Jolly Rancher over with his tongue. The outside of the candy was gooey enough that he felt compelled to scrape the soft part off with his teeth.

"Fifty YouTube conspiracies, maybe." Luke replied. "Why do you two buy into that stuff?"

The Jolly Rancher in Tex's mouth was longer than it was wide. Carefully, he positioned it between his molars to see if he could bend it.

"I grew up in the hood." Sean replied.

"I go on 4chan." said Tala.

Tex tried to pull his teeth apart only to find they'd been glued together by the Jolly Rancher. 

"There's no--pedophile ring!" Caverly spat. "And if there is, there wasn't until you suggested there was."

Not wanting to hurt himself, Tex spent a few seconds waiting patiently for more of the candy to dissolve before giving up and wrenching his teeth apart.

Sean squeaked, prompting Junji to loudly scoff.

"I've seen these poorly edited videos and journal entries that could only be persuasive to those who need but a sample size of one to make a conclusion." Junji stated firmly. "A waste of data space."

Free in Tex's mouth once again, the Jolly Rancher was covered in dents.

"I mean, 60 Minutes did a whole documentary about it." Tala replied.

The Jolly Rancher grew thin. Tex pinched it in his front teeth so it would curve into a little circle.

"There may have been a few scandals with priests and Hollywood executives and Roman emperors." Junji continued. "But those were all private cases."

Tala pulled out her phone and tapped her thumbs against the screen.

"Here's an article that gives some names and locations." she said as she scrolled. "Written by some ex-FBI guy named John Doe."

_"Uhhg_." Junji scoffed. "This John Doe character sounds like he just wants attention."

"Great point, dude." Sean replied.

"I've said my piece. Any rumors of a human trafficking ring are pure fiction. Now please, may I speak to my coworkers about a private matter?"

Everyone looked a little more uncomfortable than usual, but it was time for the meeting to wrap up anyway.

"Just asking." Sean said to the room as they cleaned up. "Do y'all really think princess Diana--"

"Yes." Caverly answered.

Tex ended up taking the elevator to Junji's room with Tala and Barton. They were all somewhat confused, but Junji clearly had something important on his mind.

The inside Junji's apartment was as clean as it had been the last time Tex had been there. There wasn't much room for four people, so Tex ended up sandwiched on the couch between Tala and Barton while Junji took a seat on the coffee table.

"Is everyone's phone off?" asked Junji.

Tex grumbled an affirmation alongside Barton. Tala took her phone from her pocket and turned it off.

"Did you need something?" Tex wondered.

"Yes." Junji answered. "I'm planning to take out a massive pedophile ring, and I would like your help."

Tex rubbed his forehead. 

"Who's the target?" Barton asked.

Junji took a picture out of his pocket and placed it on the coffee table next to him. Tex leaned forward for a closer look.

"This is Max and Charlotte Wells." Junji explained.

The photo was of a Caucasian couple in their late fifties or early sixties. The woman wore a milk-colored silk dress, while the man was decked out in khaki pants, a sweater with the Penn State emblem, and a pair of reflective aviator sunglasses that completely blocked out his eyes.

"I wonder if they're in love." said Tala.

Tex got the feeling they hadn't needed to get married to have the same last name.

"Why'd you need to get our attention about this today?" he asked.

"Because we would have to do it tonight." Junji replied.

"...There a reason you didn't tell us sooner?"

Junji sighed.

"Originally, we were going to strike next week." answered Junji. "But this morning I was informed that Sherman and Porter had changed the date of their meet up to tonight."

"Who're they?" Tex pushed.

Tex was unsure why both Tala and Barton shot him a dirty look.

"Glenn Sherman and Gail Porter are the top Democrat and top Republican candidate right now." Tala replied. "The election's only three years away."

"Oh..." Tex muttered.

"They are scheduled to meet with the Wells tonight in Sweden." Junji continued. "But--"

"Educate yourself." Tala said as she handed Tex a pamphlet.

Junji cleared his throat. Tex examined the pamphlet.

"Lida and I," Junji pushed, "have hired a band of mercenaries to take out Sherman and Porter, allowing us to sneak inside in their place."

"How are you supposed to do that?" asked Barton.

"The plan is very simple. Dallas and I will disguise ourselves as Sherman and Porter, and we will use their tickets to board a plane to Sweden."

"What do I do?"

"You will be disguised as a janitor, as there are no black presidential candidates this election."

"I could do whiteface."

"No you couldn't." Tala replied.

Tex turned the page of his voter's pamphlet to the libertarian section with interest. However, the pamphlet was smacked away from him before he could read much.

"Are you voting third party?" Tala yelped.

"Boo." Barton said as she gave a thumbs down.

"Dallas will meet with Max while I meet with Charlotte," Junji continued, "and we will kill them when their guards are respectively down while Barton makes sure no one enters. Barton will then push us out of the facility in a recycling bin, and we will be picked up by one of Lida's associates."

"Who is it?" Tala wondered.

"I'm not sure. Hopefully, the Wells will interpret the disappearance of both Sherman and Porter as an indication of their fleeing, but either way, they won't know what we look like."

"Are you sure you and Tex will both fit inside a recycling bin?"

"No. This is why we are going to practice with the recycling bin in the parking garage."

Although Junji's plan was questionable at best, Tex couldn't think of a better one. He shoved the voter's pamphlet in his pocket.

"Did you know John McAfee's running?" he muttered to Barton as they left Junji's room.

"John McAfee's running from the feds." Barton replied.

Practicing fitting in a two-hundred and forty liter recycling bin with Junji was painful, but Tex couldn't complain when it was the first time in a while he'd gotten physical contact that didn't end in dehydration and being denied aftercare. They managed to squish themselves small enough to close the lid after just twenty minutes. The only real bump came when Barton almost killed all three of them by lifting the entire bin over her head in an attempt to assert dominance. 

The last thing they did before they left was buy some clear nail polish and a set of coveralls for Barton.

They took the train to DC, with Junji covering all four of their tickets. Once they'd arrived, they bussed to an address Junji had gotten from Lida to find a large black van a few blocks from the airport, hidden in the residential foliage and late-afternoon lighting.

Junji opened the back door of the van for Tex. Tex looked inside to see several suitcases, a rack of clothing, the dead bodies of Glenn Sherman and Gail Porter, and a burly Slavic man with a leather jacket, an eight o'clock shadow, and a cigar hunched in the corner.

"Hello!" Tala greeted as the four of them climbed in.

"Uh." the man grunted in response.

There wasn't a lot of space, and the bodies didn't smell great once the door was shut behind them. Tala pulled a small bottle of breath spray from her pocket and spritzed some in their direction.

"Here is your disguise." Junji said as he placed something into Tex's hand.

The disguise was nothing more than a tiny black disk, no bigger than a quarter. Tex could feel with his fingers that one side was sticky.

Junji pulled down his collar to show he had an identical disk stuck to his throat.

"...Um, what?" asked Tex.

Junji pressed his finger against the disk. In a heartbeat, a new face covered his old one.

The new face was middle-aged and female. It replaced every bit of Junji's likeness, rounding out the epicanthic folds in his eyes and deepening his pores. Long brown hair now hung from Junji's head, but when Tex reached out to touch it, he found it had no mass.

"It's only a hologram." Junji explained.

Junji's voice came out as a woman's, and in a different accent and cadence. He chuckled when Tex's eyebrows both raised.

"It doubles as an Electrolarynx." Junji followed. "Put yours on."

Tex pulled his collar aside and pressed the sticky side of the disk into the base of his neck. He tapped it once with his finger.

"Did it work?" he asked in another man's voice.

The words had come out louder than he'd been expecting.

"The volume is raised." Junji replied. "Talk quietly, so your real voice will not be noticeable."

"Gotcha." 

Junji took the glasses off of the dead Sherman's face and handed them to Tex. Tex replaced them with his own glasses to find the prescription wasn't as strong, but it was enough to see.

He left his old glasses with Tala.

"Tala, will you help Barton with her disguise?" asked Junji.

"Okay." she replied.

"You didn't kill the janitor for this, did you?" Tex wondered.

"Yes, I had the janitor killed. I didn't want him to testify."

"What!?"

"He was working with sex slaves and failing to report it to the police."

"...That's a good point." 

Barton was given a third black disk that gave her a face Tex didn't recognize. While Tala helped Barton tape various weapons under her coveralls to give her a few more pounds, Junji put on a pair of gloves and began to take the clothes off the bodies. 

With everyone preoccupied, Tex was left next to the Slavic mercenary and his cigar.

Considering the man was hired, Tex doubted he had any connection or care of what they were doing. Which was good, as Tex wasn't in the mood to talk. 

"Every morning for twenty years I've woken up thinking of the day when I would finally be able to kill Glenn Sherman." said the mercenary.

"...Oh." Tex replied.

"Sherman came to my country to build pipeline. So I start protest. He tells me I will regret it, and I do. He has my wife and children killed in front of my eyes."

"Please tell us more." Tala begged.

"Americans, listen to me. Don't fall for lesser evil. Vote third party."

Tex raised his finger and opened his mouth. 

"You know what?" he started. "Maybe this fine gentleman has a--"

"No." Tala cut in.

"Boo." Barton said as she gave a thumbs down.

There were still a few more pieces of their disguises. Tex put on Sherman's clothes while Tala helped Junji stuff his bra. Glenn Sherman had a little more in the gut than Tex, but they fixed the problem with some folded fabric and duct tape.

The last thing they did was paint their finger tips with clear nail polish and fit themselves with their ear communicators.

"We would not be enough to fool a close friend." Junji muttered. "But thankfully, the Wells have not met us."

"I'll keep that in mind." Tex replied.

Junji handed Tex a plane ticket. Tex read the corner to see it was a first class ticket to Sweden for one Glenn F. Sherman.

There was a tiny drop of blood on the corner, which Tex ripped off with care.

"Wait, I don't have a ticket." Barton realized.

"Shoot." Tex replied. "She don't."

Tala raised her hand.

"No." said Tex.

"You could sell Barton on Amazon," Tala started, "and then after you go through security, you buy her and have her airdropped."

"No."

"How about this, then. We hide Barton in Barton's shoulder hole."

Junji touched his chin.

"Barton is very thin." he muttered. "We could fit her in a suitcase."

"Would you be alright in there?" Tex asked Barton.

"Course." she answered. "I once spent four years in a box."

"How we gonna get her through security?"

"Politicians don't have to go through security." Tala replied

Tex hadn't known it was possible to hate the TSA more than he already did. Their conversation dispersed, but Tex stayed by Junji.

"Speaking of not having to go through security..." Junji trailed off.

"What?" asked Tex.

"Take this."

Tex was handed a simple black spring-loaded knife.

"I got a gun." Tex said.

"And now you also have a knife."

After pocketing the knife, Tex wandered over to the corner of the truck that Barton was in to find she was putting the cap on a vial of grey powder. 

"How many explosives do you need?" he asked.

"Go away." answered Barton.

"Come on. You look like you're about to drink it."

Barton taped the vial under her shirt with a look of consideration.

"You know," she started, "they say gunpowder was originally invented by the Chinese in an attempt to make a potion of immortality for their emperor."

"...Huh."

Tex wasn't sure why, but something about the idea didn't sit well with him.

The time came to leave for the airport. Tex felt a little bad about putting Barton in a suitcase, but she fell asleep almost immediately. After filling the other suitcase with their original clothes, shoes, and phones that were absolutely turned off, he handed it off to Tala.

"We will need these once we leave." Junji said to Tala.

"How we gonna get Tala on the plane?" Tex wondered.

"I'll just take a later flight." she replied.

Tala parted ways with them after Junji gave her some money for the plane ride and the number of Lida's associate.

"I wish I could run." Junji said as he scooted along on his three inch heels.

"That'd be a strange sight." Tex replied.

"Here, we will watch this while we walk."

Tex was handed a burner phone with the input audio detectors and cameras removed. The phone was playing a debate between Sherman and Porter, which Tex watched with Junji until a McAfee update screen drifted over the video and refused to close.

Thousands of eyes were on them as soon as they'd entered the airport. Tex would have thought the process of pretending to be someone he wasn't would be more stressful, but the closest they got to trouble was at the desk for bypassing security.

"Sherman, huh." said the woman at the help desk. "Never thought I'd see you with Porter."

"It's a--weird tactic." Tex replied. "Wish I could say I understood my aids."

The woman let out a short laugh and motioned with her hand for Tex to come through. However, Tex stopped dead in his tracks when Barton started to snore.

"Sorry." he followed. "That's just my ringtone."

"Mmh." the woman mumbled as she turned back to her book.

The plane ride itself was a grueling six hours. Tex had never flown first class before, but any comfort it might have given him was outweighed when what he'd signed up for finally hit him.

He spent a solid hour staring straight ahead with his hands clasped in his lap before Junji nudged him.

"Hmm?" asked Tex.

Junji handed Tex a napkin. Tex examined it to see something was written on it.

_How are you feeling?_

Tex pulled down his tray table and grabbed a pen.

_I'm a little anxious_

_You'll do fine. I will protect you._

_thanks_

After a few deep breaths, Tex's heart rate returned to normal. He grabbed the napkin back when Junji passed it to him once again.

_Have you familiarized yourself with the interface of your suicide device?_

Tex's heart rate un-returned to normal.

_what?_

_The suicide device you have been installed with. Have you explored the interface well enough that you understand how to potentially activate it?_

_ran through it a few times, yeah_

_Why are you looking at me like that?_

_is there a reason you brought this up?_

_I thought it was important._

_am I going to need it?_

_It is unlikely._

_why'd you mention it, then?_

_The same reason I'm wearing a seat belt despite having never been in a plane crash._

Tex would have liked to pass more notes with Junji, but Junji quickly ate the napkin and made himself busy with sleeping. Knowing that it was probably a good idea to do the same, Tex popped some melatonin to get over his nerves.

He didn't wake up until the plane had landed. After carefully removing the suitcase that held Barton from the overhead compartment, he and Junji were granted first access off the plane.

Figuring out where to free Barton ended up being a bit of a puzzle, considering how hard it was to find privacy at an airport. It was dead night, but they finally managed to happen upon a single occupant bathroom inside a McDonald's just next to the airport.

Tex brought the suitcase into the bathroom while Junji ordered. He made sure to lock the door before undoing the main zipper of the case.

_"Stalin nikogda ne voz'met menya zhivym!"_ Barton shouted as she sprung out of the case.

"Barton!" Tex yelped.

Hearing her name made Barton stop dead in her tracks. Immediately, her vengeful expression was replaced by one of boredom.

"Oh, yeah, this thing." she said.

"Jesus _Christ._"

"You're fine."

Tex left the bathroom first, and Barton a minute later. They abandoned the empty suitcase next to the garbage bins. Tex took a sip of the fountain drink Junji had ordered and made a face to find he'd mixed every soda together.

They ordered a separate cab for Barton to avoid suspicion. Barton's came first, and Tex was left with Junji out in the cold.

"Anything you can tell me about what to expect with these folks?" Tex asked.

"Not much." answered Junji. "My family was never involved in human trafficking."

"You didn't know anybody who was?"

"Not personally. Most clans don't have the heart for something so horrific."

A taxi turned the corner and began to slow down after spotting them.

"But as you could guess," Junji followed, "this is what has made the industry so profitable for the few who do."

The ride to the manor was a silent and grueling fifteen minutes. Tex was about done with traveling by the time they pulled up to the block and paid. 

"Look at this." Junji said as he handed Tex the burner phone. "The layout of the second floor."

Tex examined the screen.

The manor wasn't hard to find, as it was the biggest thing on the block. It was the nicest house Tex had ever seen, with a square-footage that was too large to see from the ground and an almost cathedral-like aesthetic. 

There were at least half a dozen windows spanning its floors. Tex could make nothing out from any of them.

They arrived at the front. Tex eyed the sight of a random black janitor standing on the sidewalk with suspicion before remembering it was Barton.

"Why'd you wait for us?" he asked her.

"I don't know what's going on." Barton replied.

Junji sighed and led them towards the arched doorway. To Tex's surprise, there was already a pasty, red haired man banging on the door.

"Let me in." the man begged. "I want to join your club."

_"Go away, Zuckerberg._" a voice from the inside shouted. _"Your bloodline isn't pure enough._"

Mark Zuckerberg's eyes fell to the ground. With sunken shoulders, he shoved his hands into the pocket of his hoodie and gave a stone on the ground a tiny kick.

"Excuse me." Junji said as he pushed past Mark Zuckerberg.

_"Neh._" Zuckerberg replied.

Junji knocked at the door.

"It's Porter and Sherman." Junji announced.

_"Oh, come in!"_

Before Tex could even think of any last questions he wanted to ask, Junji had opened the door.

The door revealed a long, horizontal hallway with another door a few feet to the left with a bouncer next to it. Several classical paintings lined the wall, which included but were not limited to _Starry Night_, _The Birth of Venus_, _Mona Lisa_, and _The Pope Snorts Adderall Out of Joe Biden's Belly Button_.

The bouncer was grinning by the time the three of them stepped inside. He opened the door he was standing next to and dipped his head into it.

"Hey, guys!" he called into it. "It's Glenn Sherman, Gail Porter, and Ben Carson!"

Barton frowned.

"I'm a janitor." she said.

"...Oh." the bouncer replied.

"I've worked here for twenty years. You should know that."

"I'm sorry."

The bouncer did indeed look sorry as Barton stormed off down the hall. Tex felt a little awkward when the bouncer turned his attention back to him and Junji with less excitement in his eyes.

"You two haven't been here before, right?" asked the bouncer.

"We haven't." Junji answered.

"Alright. Have fun, but remember the golden rule."

The bouncer pointed to a plaque above the door. Tex examined it to see it read _NO CAMERAS_.

"Won't be a problem." he said.

"Good." the bouncer replied.

The bouncer stepped out of the way. Tex waited for Junji to pass through the door before following.

The room was about half the size of a ballroom, and was stuffed to the brim with gilded paintings, velvet couches, and spun marble pillars. There were maybe a dozen adults scattered about the shiny floor, but Tex's eyes were drawn to the children first.

There were half as many children as there were adults. The children seemed to be in their early teens or younger, and the majority of them were Asian. Some of them sat on the couches while others stood off to the side of conversations. No one spoke to them, made eye contact with them, and they didn't speak to each other.

When Max noticed Tex and began to make his way over, a young girl who happened to be in his path stepped out of the way.

Max Wells looked exactly like he had in the photo, reflective aviators and all. His expression was friendlier than Tex had been expecting.

"Hello!" Max greeted.

"...Hi." Tex replied, reminding himself to whisper.

Tex accepted the handshake that Max offered him. With his sunglasses aimed at Tex's face, Max leaned into the shake just far enough to make Tex uncomfortable.

There was a slight whirring sound.

"Porter, Sherman." Max stated. "Good to see you."

"You as well." Junji replied.

"What time are you two scheduled for?"

"Two in the morning, I believe. Local time."

"Perfect. Make yourselves at home until then."

Max left the two of them in favor of mingling with a group of important-looking people. Tex got the feeling he should do the same, although Junji beat him to it.

"I'll see you later, Sherman." Junji said as he made his way over to three coat-tailed producers.

Besides the children, the only person in the room not engaged in conversation was a woman by a table covered in wine, juice boxes, cocaine, and some of the booziest pizza Tex had ever seen. She held a wine glass in her hand, and she appeared to be pondering something as she stared at the rim.

He recognized her as Charlotte from the photo. She looked the same, although she was wearing a blouse and a pair of fashionably loose pants instead of a dress.

Two old men made their way over to Tex before he could examine her further.

"Hello." Tex greeted as he extended his hand.

The men were both dressed in fine white satin cassocks and pointy bishop hats. 

"Hey, Sherman." the bishop on the left replied, meeting his hand. "You're more put together than the last time I saw you."

"You've seen me before?" 

Tex realized the moment his words had left his mouth that he absolutely should not have asked such a question, but the bishop only laughed.

"Yeah, you were pretty fucked up." the bishop said as he grazed his fingers over the ornamental cross on his chest. "I would've been surprised if you'd remembered."

"Sounds like a good party."

"Oh, it was. We..."

The bishop continued his story, but Tex quickly grew bored with listening. Instead, he let his ears wander over to Junji's conversation with the producers. 

"...say Gail, you looked killer at the debate last night." one of the producers monologued. "Like a 'let me finger you in the bathroom' kind of killer."

Gail Porter, or at least Junji's representation of her, wasn't particularly attractive. But considering the sheer amount of wide set eyes, facial asymmetry, and general genetic peculiarities that filled the room, she was a catch.

"No." Junji replied.

Tex looked to his left when a child walked past him and made her way over to the couch. One of the bishops raised an eyebrow.

"What's with all the Asian kids, anyway." the bishop wondered.

"Ha. Max is sucking up to Chinese money, just like everybody else." the other replied, jabbing his thumb at another couple. 

Tex followed the gesture to see two members of the Chinese parliament.

From the center of the room, Max cleared his throat. Every sub conversation in the room came to a halt.

"Does anyone want to request a--special guest?" Max announced.

There was a chorus of 'oohs'. Tex mimicked the shape with his mouth, but made no sound.

"Gimme that new Disney kid on the block." one of the producers suggested as he pulled out his wallet. "The one on PJ Spies."

After another chorus of 'oohs', Max launched into a barter agreement with the producer. They agreed on two billion after the fourth round.

The chatter started back up while Max made his phone call, but Tex paid close attention.

"Oh, hey, Janice." said Max. "Could you connect me to the PJ Spies kid's agent? Thanks, sweetheart."

Tex could hear the muffled voice of someone on the other end, but the room was too loud for him to make out any words.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm doing fine." Max continued. "Listen, I was looking to invite your kid to a party I'm having."

Tex reached into his front pocket and drummed his fingers on the side of his knife.

"Oh, his mommy's worried about him? Ask her if she's three hundred million dollars worried." 

The trend of people introducing themselves in pairs continued as an old woman and a middle aged man made their way over to him. Quickly, Tex pulled his hand out of his pocket.

"Hi." Tex greeted. "Glenn Sherman."

"Lovely." the woman replied. "I'm the Queen, and this is my son Prince Andy."

Prince Andy was a fat fuck with a mouthful of teeth that were all trying to escape his gums in different directions. Tex shook his hand, but didn't shake the Queen's for fear of shattering her.

"Hello." a new voice greeted. 

Tex looked over his shoulder to see that one of the producers had wandered over to their conversation.

"Ah, Himmelstein." Prince Andy said to the producer as he pulled him into a handshake. "Saw you've been shagging a lot of dogs lately."

"How'd you know?" Himmelstein replied with the start of a grin.

"Well, I've just seen the casting in your new film."

The two of them burst into a fit of laughter that was about an eight on the scale of drunk frat boy to horny ape. Himmelstein wiped his hand on his pants after letting go of Prince Andy's hand.

"You alright?" asked Himmelstein. "Your hand's kinda sweaty."

A pang of terror flashed behind Prince Andy's eyes.

"That's impossible." he stammered. "Uh, I--I--I have a p--peculiar medical condition which is that I don't sweat, um, or I didn't sweat at the time because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of Adrenaline in the third World War when I was shot at, and I simply...it was--it was--it was almost impossible for me to sweat. And it's only because I have done a number of things in the recent past that I'm starting to be able to...do that again. So I'm afraid to say that there's a medical condition that--it didn't do it so therefore--"

"What in the lord's name are you going on about, Andy?" the queen cut in.

"I didn't know about Jimmy Savile!"

Tex was able to sneak away from the conversation thanks to the mild commotion. Unfortunately, he was beckoned over by another group of two.

It was the Chinese couple he'd seen before. He could tell from their black suits and red ties that they were politicians, but he didn't recognize them.

"Howd--Hello." he greeted them.

"Hello!" the man replied. "I am Cheng Ju, President of the People's Republic of China."

"Sherman. Pleased to meet you."

"This is my wife, Qin Jiang. Chairman of the National Committee of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference."

"Nǐ hǎo." said Qin.

Cheng and Qin both reached for a weak handshake. After they'd finished with their greetings, they both smiled politely and said nothing.

"So, uh." Tex managed. "You're communists?"

Cheng and Qin both chuckled quietly. Tex recognized from the tone that they'd been charmed.

"As much so as you are a capitalist." Cheng replied.

"...Oh." Tex mumbled.

"Is this your first time at a Wells' party?"

"Yes."

"You should speak with Mrs. Wells. It is customary to give the organizer your thanks."

"Alright. Thank you."

"She is an excellent philosopher." Qin added.

Tex couldn't think of a way to reply, but thankfully, both Cheng and Qin moved on from the conversation. 

Charlotte was in the same place she'd been when Tex had first come in. Interestingly enough, she was still staring at the rim of her glass.

Tex took a few steps towards her, but was interrupted when a man in a suit snuck up next to him.

"Hey." the man said as he tossed his arm over Tex's shoulder. "Darin Brown of the FBI."

"Uh." Tex replied.

"Listen. Got something you wanna cover up? I fund a team of software guys who'll write whatever you want on Wikipedia and refresh the page every ten seconds to make sure nobody's changed it."

"Okay."

"Here's my card."

Darin pulled out a card and took it upon himself to shove it into Tex's back pocket. Tex flinched when Darin followed the gesture with a smack across his butt.

"Man. TV must be taking something away where it counts." Darin followed as he left.

Tex grit his teeth and continued his trek to the food and drink table. Charlotte flicked her brow up when she noticed he was coming her way.

"Oh, hello Sherman." she greeted.

Now that he was just a few feet away from Charlotte, he could see there was a lone mosquito perched on the rim of her glass.

"Hi." said Tex. "Lovely party."

Charlotte put her glass down. The mosquito jumped from the glass and landed on her arm.

She swat the bug with her hand before it could even extend its proboscis. Tex watched as its dead body fluttered onto the table, but not nearly as intently as Charlotte did.

"Hmm." she muttered.

"Something on your mind?"

Charlotte let out a laugh of manic exhilaration.

"Tell me." she stated. "Do you find this dead insect to be an upsetting sight?"

"No." Tex lied.

"Of course you don't."

'Guys, there's a bunch of tunnels down here.' Barton sent.

"Not all creatures are created equal.” Charlotte continued. “Not all creatures have the same--capacities for pain and pleasure or--political capability."

Charlotte had a dead look in her eyes that was eerily familiar to Junji's resting expression. It was a strange comparison to make, but it was visible nonetheless.

"Did you know mosquitoes are an unnecessary part of the food chain?" asked Charlotte. "Nothing bad would come of it if they went extinct."

"It'd be nice."

"Sometimes I feel we fail to consider the benefits it might bring to us to recognize that some creatures--"

Charlotte paused for a moment to flick the mosquito off the table.

"--have overstayed their welcome." she finished.

Tex resisted the urge to slowly back away from Charlotte. However, his inability to think of anything to say in response made for an awkward silence.

"Sorry, sorry." Charlotte followed with a tiny snicker. "I got ahead of myself."

"It's no problem."

"I have business to attend to. Please excuse me."

After she'd waved him goodbye, Charlotte snapped her fingers and began to make her way over to Junji. Tex watched three of the children hurry after her so intently that a sudden hand on his shoulder nearly made him jump.

"You ready, Sherman?" Max asked as he grabbed a juice box from the table. "It's two."

Tex sucked in a long and slow breath through his nose.

"Yeah." he replied. Take me back."

As Max led Tex to a door behind the snack table, the three children that hadn't followed Charlotte came over from the couches and floor to join their group.

'I just landed in Sweden.' Tala sent.

Tex scratched his ear and coughed so that Tala would know he heard. Max maneuvered them to the right once they'd gotten to the hallway.

"Woah." Tex said when he noticed a few lines of foam dripping out of Max's mouth. "You--are you alright?"

Max wiped his mouth with the back of his free hand.

"Yeah, it's just a constant thing." answered Max. "When it's not a side effect of OxyContin, it's an old family ailment."

As he spoke, Max pulled a tiny bag from his pocket.

"Want some drugs?" he asked.

"Uh, what kind?"

"Just some cocaine, heroine, horse tranquilizers, adrenochrome, uh...laundry powder..." 

"No thanks. My doctor says I shouldn't mix that with Xanax."

"More for me, and that's probably for the best. I can never see the demons we summon during our blood sacrifices to the Pagan gods if I don't get enough."

Tex could think of absolutely no way to respond.

They arrived at the entrance to the third room down the hall. Almost instinctively, the children lined up in a row next to the door.

"Have a favorite?" Max pushed as he handed Tex the juice box.

Tex grabbed the juice out of instinct. He knew that it would be best for his cover to fake an answer to Max's question, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"You choose." Tex replied.

Max chose a girl who looked about twelve. The rest of the kids were still standing in the hall when Max closed the door.

The new room was just a little smaller than Tex's apartment. In one corner was an armchair, while in the other was a massage table and what seemed to be a freezer.

Max settled next to the armchair in the corner.

"Nǐ jiào shénme míngzì?" he asked the girl.

"Xie Na." the girl answered.

"Zuò zài nà biān. Xièxiè, Xie."

The girl walked over to the massage table and climbed onto it. Max pulled a pill crusher and an orange bottle labeled 'carisoprodol' from the same pocket he’d grabbed the other drugs out of.

"How goes it? How's the politicking?" Max wondered as he popped the top off the carisoprodol.

"It's pretty alright. I'm going to dinners and--spending tax dollars responsibly."

Once he'd finished crushing a handful of pills, Max grabbed the juice box back from Tex.

"What about you?" asked Tex. "How goes the business."

Max focused his eyes on the juice box and chuckled to himself.

"Oh, it sure goes." he answered. "People are people. They're always looking to do who the Romans did."

Tex did his best not to scowl as a wave of disgust washed over him.

'I've killed Charlotte.' Junji sent.

'Neat.' Barton replied.

"Sounds like you run a pretty good gig, then." Tex said to Max.

"Yes, it's alright." Max sighed. "Although..."

"Although what?"

"Although I’m looking forward to when I'm able to start my passion project."

"...Passion project?"

"Oh. My business is only a mean to a more--philanthropic project. In human engineering. You can see I've started a collection over here--"

Max pointed to the freezer box. Tex examined the box closer to see it had been labeled 'my semen'.

"--but I'm in no way done." Max finished.

"Uhuh."

"But someday. It will be my gift to women."

'Sherman has not replied.’ Junji sent. ‘Janitor, please locate the recycling bin and incapacitate anyone who comes into the hallway.'

'Roger.'

"Speaking of which." said Max. "Should we start?"

"Start?" Tex asked.

Max scoffed with amusement.

"First time?" he wondered.

"Yeah."

Max handed Tex the juice box. 

"Don't worry, she's eighteen." Max promised as he pointed at the girl next to the cot.

Tex grabbed his belt loop with his free fingers in an attempt to get his hands to stop shaking.

"Really now." he replied.

"And she won't scream, or your money back."

Tex could think of nothing more to say.

"Unless you want one that screams." followed Max. "I can get--"

Tex grabbed Max's collar with his left fist and traded the juice box in his other hand for his pocket knife.

"Whoa!" Max yelped as Tex threw him into the wall next to the armchair.

Tex slid Max's body up the wall a few inches so they could see each other eye to eye. After jabbing the knife between Max's ribs so he couldn't struggle too hard, Tex grabbed his gun and shoved it under Max's mouth.

There were many reactions Max could have given. A sharp laugh was not one that Tex had been expecting.

"Are you going to kill me?" Max wondered.

Tex had every intention of shooting Max, although he wasn't sure he wanted it to happen so quickly. 

"Reckon I might." he replied.

There was another whirring sound, identical to the one Tex had heard when they’d met. Tex jerked his knee between Max's legs hard enough to slide him another inch up the wall.

Max yelped. Out of the corner of his eye, Tex saw that the girl on the massage table had sat up with wide eyes.

"Do you understand?" Max continued. "You shoot me and every mercenary in the country will be on your doorstep trying to bring you back alive."

"Sure they will. Long as you remember to tell them who killed you." 

Max let out another laugh, although this one sounded a little more winded.

"You're special." he coughed. "Usually takes a week long bender before my guests get as stupid as you."

"Hell's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, you really think I just got rich pimping out little kids to every fat cat in town?"

Unable to help himself, Tex whipped his pistol against Max's face. Max yelped in pain as his head snapped to the side. Tex could see that his blow had left a satisfying dent, as well as broken the left lens of Max's glasses.

When Max's face returned to the position it had been in, Tex nearly jumped at the sight of his eye.

Instead of an iris, a telescoped camera lens poked out of Max's eyeball. Tex had no reason to believe the same wasn't true of the other.

"Yeah, I give live footage a new name." said Max.

There was another whirring noise as the camera lens shrunk slightly in size, focusing on Tex's face.

"That's how you do it, huh." Tex realized.

"When you have the video of ten Hollywood bigshots and a chairman from every federal agency banging a six year old, the world really is your fucking oyster." 

"How could you do that to a child?"

Tex's voice had raised above a whisper, enough so that he could hear some of his own tongue under Sherman's. Max's eyebrows scrunched together in consideration, but only for a moment.

"They were on the _street_ when we met them." Max hissed.

Along with words, Max spat a few red chunks of saliva at Tex's face. Tex quickly pulled his weight from Max, sending him tumbling to the floor. Tex then used his foot to turn over Max's weakened body on his back. 

The knife was still stuck in Max's chest, so Tex brought his foot down on it and pushed.

"Mercenaries will be one thing, journalists will be another." Max choked, his eyes squarely on Tex’s face. "You know what I'll do to your name?"

"I don't care."

"I got footage of you looking at my girls. Fuck, we can fake a video out of that. I'll scrape up your internet history and I'll give your fetishes to every major network--"

Max paused for a moment to writhe weakly around the knife.

"--and I'll torture your family to death." he finished. "Sell your kids on the red market."

"Do whatever the hell you want, old man."

With a cough, Max's body weakened under Tex's grip. He was losing blood fast. Tex had never realized just how much damage a knife did.

"You better hope you have a pretty good escape plan." said Max.

"And you better hope you froze all the jizz you needed, cause--" 

Tex was cut off by a silenced bang when the side of Max's head exploded out his right ear and onto the floor. Tex looked to his left to see that Junji had decided to meet up earlier than they'd planned.

"You were taking too long." Junji explained.

"What are you doing here?"

"You were taking too long."

Junji was carrying another child on his back. His voice was cold, and he refused to meet Tex's gaze.

Tex gave Max's body another glance. He felt he was about to get a scolding, so he did his best to beat Junji to the punch.

"Are you mad at me?" Tex asked.

"Mad is not the right word..." Junji trailed off.

"Son of a bitch can burn in hell, all I care."

"I think you make better decisions when you don't remember what the person you're killing has done."

Tex put his gun and knife back into his pocket.

"Tā yǒu bāngzhù nǐ ma?" the girl asked the boy on Junji's back.

"Shi." the boy replied. "Hé tāmen yīqǐ qù." 

The little girl on the massage table came running over to Tex and stopped by his side. Tex considered grabbing her hand before realizing it probably wasn't a good idea.

"Janitor, are you there?" Junji asked into his comm.

'Gimme a minute.'

Junji was no longer avoiding eye-contact, but Tex still felt compelled to defend himself.

"He thought I would have--fucked a kid." Tex pushed.

"Why does this upset you?" asked Junji.

"How many people gotta be doing that for him to think I would?"

Junji sighed.

"Most people would not." he replied. "But most people are not so--aristocratic."

"...What's that mean?"

Junji put his gun back in his appendix holster in silence. Tex couldn't believe it, as he'd never seen Junji refrain from giving his opinion before.

"Don't tell me you ain't thought about it." said Tex.

"Of course I've thought about it. You cannot--you can't dedicate all your thoughts to morality without considering systemic pedophilia."

"Tell me. I wanna know."

"I only have my speculations."

"What are they?"

Junji groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

"I don't know." he answered. "Perhaps when you live your life with infinite heroin and prostitutes, the day will come when you get bored."

"You thi--"

"Perhaps they were subjected to the same treatment as children, so they consider it normal. Or perhaps they come from generations of breeding the most psychopathic men and women together."

Junji paused for a moment to readjust the child on his shoulders.

"In any case," Junji continued, "the fact that pedophiles are so easy to blackmail becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Tex twisted his mouth to the side. He supposed Junji had a point, although it was hardly the most interesting thing to him about Junji’s speech.

"Never thought I'd see the day you said something bad about politicos." Tex muttered.

"I wish to edit this county’s foundation. Not terminate it."

Tex felt that there was more to say, although he knew it probably wasn't the best time.

'I'm ready.' Barton sent.

"You are?" Tex replied.

'Yup. Found the kids and the recycle bin and I got the C4 set up.'

Junji coughed.

"What C4?" he asked.

'You said you wanted me to plant twenty pounds of C4 in the basement.'

"I said I wanted you to incapacitate anyone who came in the hall!"

'Sorry I thought you said to plant twenty pounds of C4 in the basement.'

Junji groaned once more but pushed all of them to the door Tex had used to enter the room. After stepping through, Tex looked to his right to see Barton running down the hall with a recycling bin, four children, and _The Pope Snorts Adderall Out of Joe Biden's Belly Button _tucked under her arm.

She came to a halt before them and opened the top of the bin.

"Get in." she ordered. "I'm about to blow the lid off this demon spawner."

"Considering we've thrown secrecy out the window, I doubt we still need the bin." Junji replied as Tex dove into the bin.

Tex quickly felt himself start to roll. He grit his teeth and began the process of readjusting himself.

He'd just managed to flip his body around when several of the children screamed. His head hit the side of the bin when Barton spun him a hundred and eighty degrees and began to push him the other way.

It was hard, but he managed to adjust himself so that his head was poking out of the bin. 

"Hell's going on?" Tex asked.

All things considered, Junji was quite calm as he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. Tex turned around in the recycling bin to see a woman running after them with a face covered in white powder and pure hatred.

It didn't take Tex long to recognize her as Charlotte. She was gaining on them, considering she didn't have any children or industrial objects in tow. Tex didn't know how Junji had tried to end her, but there was no indication of damage on her face or body.

Tex could hear her panting through her teeth. 

"I thought you killed her!" Tex yelled to Junji.

"So did I." 

Tex did his best to suppress the Adrenaline from overtaking him as he pulled out his gun. Quickly, he leaned sideways until Barton was out of range, let his focus shift to his right eye, waited for Charlotte's head to line up with the front sight, and took two shots.

The second shot took out her left eye, but all it did was make her hiss and momentarily snap her head to the side.

Tex watched in horror as dozens of tiny, spider-like creatures poured from the back of Charlotte's head and positioned themselves on her face and shoulders. The uniform way they looked and moved implied they were robotic in nature.

It wasn't as scary as it was absurd.

"What the hell?!" Tex asked as the spiders began to pass down chunks of goop and lay them into Charlotte's face.

"What's going on?" Junji replied.

"She's--remaking herself."

Tex wasn't sure how, but Charlotte's face had nearly returned to the way it had looked before she’d been shot. She grit her teeth and pulled a ceremonial dagger from a holster hidden under her stretchy pants. Tex watched it bob in her hand as she pumped her arms, transfixed.

She'd gained about ten feet on them by the time they'd passed the second corner.

"Hell can she do that?" Tex wondered.

No one replied. Tex leaned to the side once again and shot three more rounds at her kneecaps. He was sure at least one of them had landed, as her stride broke and sent her tumbling to the ground.

They swerved around the last corner. Tex's body was thrown to the side as Barton rammed the recycling bin into the guard, and then again as she used it to bust open the front door.

The air outside was almost shockingly cold. A black limousine that hadn't been there before was parked on the street before them. As Barton pulled a wired box with a red button from her pocket, the driver's side window of the limo rolled down to reveal a man.

"Get in!" the man shouted. "Get in!"

The children scurried to the limo and were granted access when a woman opened the door. It took Tex less than a second to realize it was Tala. 

"Hi guys." she greeted.

Barton tipped the bin over so Tex could get out. Once he'd gotten to his feet, he followed Junji and Barton to the sanctuary of the limo's darkened windows.

The inside of the limo was...unconventional. All the seats but the driver and passenger’s had been removed, possibly to help fit in the biggest gun rack Tex had ever seen attached to a vehicle. 

The kids sat themselves down in the back while Tex settled next to Tala and the driver.

The driver was an ancient old man with a mustache and beard that were somehow unconnected. Tex couldn't help but feel he looked familiar.

"Cover your ears!" Barton shouted.

While Tex made eye contact with the children and motioned for them to cover their ears, Barton jabbed her thumb over the button on her remote.

The explosion was impressively precise. It was big enough to destroy the bottom half of the building, but contained enough to avoid damage to any of the buildings next to it. 

Barton had done a good job.

When the roof of the manor collapsed in on itself, Tex got the feeling they weren't going to have to worry about Charlotte anymore. 

The driver turned around to face them. Tex's eyes widened in amazement.

"...John McAfee?" Tex realized.

"Do any of you use McAfee software?" John McAfee asked frantically. "Do you?"

"It came on the phone I ordered." Junji replied as he pulled out their burner phone.

"Give me that shit!"

Tex watched as John McAfee snatched the phone from Junji and uninstalled McAfee.

"There you go." said John. "You're safe now."

"Who are you?" Junji asked.

"I invented and owned McAfee virus protection until I retired. Now I threaten to leak government secrets on Twitter of unknown accuracy and one time I said I'd eat my penis on national television if Bitcoin didn't quadruple by the end of the year."

"Bitcoin did not quadruple."

"It did not."

"...Did you eat your penis?"

"No, I'm not fucking crazy." John McAfee replied as he pulled a gun from the front seat and snorted a line of bath salts off the barrel.

Tex was quick to notice when Tala turned her attention towards the six children they'd picked up. She handed them her laptop and set up YouTube, and they were watching Minecraft let’s plays in no time.

"What're we gonna do about the kids?" Tex asked the car.

"Maybe there's a number we can call." Tala replied. 

John took out his phone and made a quick search. When he held it out for all of them to view and hear, Tex saw that he'd dialed the number for the Director of the Human Trafficking Prosecution Unit in the Department of Justice.

The phone rang three times before someone picked up. Tex's eyes widened at the sound of the voice.

_"Hello?"_ Charlotte coughed.

She sounded quite winded, but Tex's heart rate doubled nonetheless.

_"Hello?"_ Charlotte repeated. _"You'll have to speak up, I've just had a building fall on me._"

After the shortest moment of consideration Tex had ever seen, John McAfee rolled down the window, hung up the phone, and chucked it into the street.

He slammed his foot on the gas the moment he'd rolled the window back up.

John’s foot stayed on the gas until they were within five feet of the police station, where he slammed on the break. Tala and Barton took the kids inside while Tex stayed with Junji and John in the car.

John grabbed a tablet and the most complicated remote controller Tex had ever seen from a mesh bag in the front seat.

"Here, look at this." John said as he propped the tablet up so they could all see.

The picture showed the outside of the demolished manor they'd come from. Charlotte, covered in chunks of drywall, stood on the sidewalk while she spoke with someone on the phone.

Three identical Hondas pulled up the building. After Charlotte had stepped into the passenger's side of the one in the middle, all three cars took off at the same time.

"What is this?" Junji asked.

"Footage from one of my drones.” answered John. “It's about twenty minutes old."

Tex watched for another minute to see half a dozen police cars pull up to the sidewalk. John pressed a button on his remote, and the picture split into three different views.

Each one was of a different Honda.

"I programmed them to follow the cars." John continued. "This is live."

One of the cars was already parked near the train station, while the other was headed back the way Tex remembered coming from the airport.

"She appears to be trying to cut us off." Junji observed.

"Yeah. She'll have every TSA agent in Sweden watching for you by the end of the hour."

Tex frowned. He knew they could probably pass for strangers if they took off their disguises before trying to travel, but he didn't want to risk it.

"Give me a moment, I need to speak with a friend." said Junji.

Junji punched a number into the burner phone. Tex didn't remember her whole number, but he could tell from the area code that it was Ying's.

It wasn't until that moment that the exhaustion really hit Tex. It was like someone had stolen his emotional energy, physical energy, and blood sugar all in the same moment. He found himself slumping over in the car, barely noticing when Tala and Barton came back.

"Ying can pick us up tomorrow evening." Junji announced. “After her presentation.”

"That's thirty six hours from now." Barton replied. "What do you think the chances of us getting through the airport undetected are?"

"Ninety-five?"

"...We'll wait for Ying."

_"Uhhh._" Tex groaned to himself.

"I can drop you off at a motel." John said. "But that's all I can do."

"Thank you." Junji replied.

Along with Junji and Barton, Tex removed every bit of his disguise on the drive over. As much as he wanted to be in his own clothes again, changing was horrible.

They drove a few cities over to distance themselves. John parked a block away from the motel to avoid suspicion from the front desk.

"I guess this is where we part ways." John noted.

"It was good meeting you." said Junji.

"Of course. Give me some sugar, baby."

“Should I keep the mask on?”

“Yeah, I’m not gay.”

Junji put up zero resistance as John McAfee snaked a hand around the back of his neck and kissed him. Tex wasn't sure if what he was witnessing was actually happening, or just an indication that his brain was about to shut itself off.

"You okay, Tex?" Tala asked.

"'M alright." Tex slurred.

John dropped them off at the corner and stepped on the gas the moment Tex's feet had left the car.

Barton dealt with the man at the front desk while Tex stared longingly at the complex. They ended up getting only one room, as none of them wanted to split up for safety reasons.

The twenty minutes that followed were phenomenal. Junji bought Tex a bag of vending machine chips that ended up being the best thing he'd ever tasted, and he continued to snack on them while he showered.

"It's three in the morning." Barton said as Tex emerged from the bathroom with his pants around his ankles.

"Mhm." Tex hummed as he shuffled over to a spot on the carpet and laid down.

"We're gonna have to kill a day and a half."

"I am sure it will be fine." Junji replied.

Tex nodded in agreement against the carpet and grunted in appreciation when a blanket was thrown over him. He felt himself nearing sleep quickly, but before he did, he made a mental note to vote for John McAfee in the next election.


	18. Greater Apes

Spending thirty six hours in Sweden proved itself less than fine. After just half a day of being cooped up in a hotel room together, the four of them found that tensions grew when they weren't working towards a common goal.

"You're not my _ real _ dad!" Tala sobbed.

"What--huh?" Tex replied.

"Why must I wear pants inside the same room as I sleep?" Junji asked as he pounded his fist against the table. "I demand answers!"

Barton let out a long groan and grabbed Tala's bag off of one of the two beds. Tala's crying came to an immediate halt.

"What are you doing?" Tala wondered.

"Getting the Pain Finder Thing." answered Barton.

Curious, Tex stood next to Barton as she pulled the box from the bag. The dot in Japan was still present, but Barton zoomed in until they were only viewing everything in a thirty mile radius.

"Oh, we doing another side quest?" Tex asked.

"We're getting out of this room, that's for sure." she replied.

The largest dot was just a few miles away. It looked just a bit bigger than the one for the coma patient had been.

Tala looked up the address on her phone.

"Looks like it's some sort of theater." said Tala.

"Woah, it's got really bad reviews." Barton noted as she read over Tala's shoulder.

"What do they say?" Tex wondered.

"Not sure. They're in Swedish."

They took a bus into a posh part of town to search for the theater. Using Google Maps, they found it just off the sidewalk next to an intersection. The insane events of the day before were still fresh in Tex’s mind, but they avoided speaking about it now that they’d turned their phones back on.

It took them an hour to get there. The dot had long since disappeared by the time they’d arrived, but they’d decided to continue with their investigation nonetheless.

It was a tall and wide building, and several unlit signs over the door indicated it commonly held some kind of event. Tex wished he could read the writing.

None of the locals paid the building any attention.

The front of it looked like the front of a large movie theater. Barton tried one of the doors to find it was unlocked.

"Guess we got nothing to lose." Tex mumbled as he held the door open for everyone.

Past a horitonal hallway with some bathrooms and drinking fountains were rows and rows of built-in seats that covered the floor almost all the way down to a giant projector screen. There was nothing on the screen, but Tex still felt compelled to take a closer look.

The room was eerily empty. He almost jumped when the door shut under its own weight behind them.

"If we ever get murdered, it would probably be in here." Barton said helpfully as they made their way down to the screen.

After climbing onto the tiny stage before the screen, Tex reached his fingers out towards the screen to find it was made of a fluid fabric.

"We should check under it." he suggested. "Seems a little suspicious."

Junji lifted a bit of the screen from the bottom. Tex caught sight of a small section of a computer.

Not wanting to risk moving the screen around too much, Tex got down on his knees and shoved his head under the fabric. He could see more of the computer as he lifted his head up, and more still when he started to strain his neck.

After lying down with his back to the floor, Tex still couldn't see the top of the computer.

"What's back there?" Tala asked.

"A bunch of porn." Tex answered.

"What genre?"

"Uh, incest."

"You have to be more specific."

"I wanna see." said Barton.

"Too late." Tex replied. "Now it's just Seinfeld reruns."

_ "Hejsan!" _ a new voice called.

Tex frantically pulled his head out from the curtain and stood to see a dog and a middle-aged woman in a lab coat rushing down to them from the entrance they'd come in through.

The dog, a shockingly silver retriever, was attached to a red leash. It was tugging the woman along and leaving her struggling not to teeter over in the tall heels she was wearing. Tex could see that the woman was tall and beautiful, with a glowing, oval face and a long ponytail of blonde hair.

She was struggling to catch her breath by the time she’d closed in on them and came to a stop. Her dog took a seat by her heels.

_ 'Can pet? _' Tex wondered.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

The woman frowned upon hearing Junji's voice. Tex only realized at that moment that her dog was made from a detailed array of jointed metal parts.

"Speak English?" she asked.

"Yeepers." Tala replied.

The woman's face twisted with confusion.

"That means yes." said Tex. "Yes, we speak English."

"Oh!" the woman replied with a clap of her hands. "Very good!"

Tex made eye contact with the dog, trying to understand how it worked. The dog met his gaze back with two silver eyes.

Without warning, it lurched forward in Tex's direction.

_ "Voff! Voff!" _ the dog yipped, pulling the woman along with it.

The dog's mouth wasn’t moving. Tex figured the bark must have come from a speaker inside its throat.

"Nej, Roffe! Nej!" the woman yelped.

As Roffe the dog sniffed at Tex's ankles, his owner came crashing into Barton. Barton didn't even blink.

"Gay." Barton stated as she peeled the woman off herself.

Tex knelt down and scraped his fingers against the smooth, cold metal behind Roffe's ears.

_ 'Pet. _' he thought.

"Sorry about dog." said the woman.

_ "English detected. _ " Roffe barked in an automated male voice. _ "Switching language to English. _"

The woman dusted herself off and straightened her shoulders. Roffe rolled over, teaching Tex that robot dogs also had testicles.

"I am Doctor Lofgren." the woman explained as she pointed to herself. "What can I help you with?"

Tex exchanged an uncertain glance with Barton. He had no idea how to even begin explaining to her why they'd come.

"We're investigating a...minor disturbance." Tex replied. "Has anything strange been happening here?"

"Strange?" asked Dr. Lofgren. "No."

"We saw you got a pretty impressive computer. You wouldn't be tetragramming, would you?"

Dr. Lofgren's eyes went wide.

"No!" she yelped. "They are not conscious. It is just coin flips."

"Who isn't conscious?" Barton asked.

"I just do presentations. I would never tetragram."

"Presentations?"

"Yes. I do presentation for you?"

Tex gave his coworkers a glance to find they all seemed various levels of interested.

"I'm alright with that." Tex slowly replied. "Are y'all alright with that?"

Junji and Barton grumbled that they were. Tala clapped her hands with excitement.

"Yay!" Dr. Lofgren said with a clap of her own. "Please follow me."

Dr. Lofgren situated herself on the far side of the stage, right next to the edge of the screen. After a few seconds of hesitation, Tex followed her to see she’d taken a stand in front of a small, ATM-like machine with a tiny monitor.

A messy line formed in front of him.

"Come forward when ready." Dr. Lofgren instructed. "Do not worry, there will be no pain."

Tala stepped forward first. Tex strained his neck to watch as Dr. Lofgren plucked a single strand of Tala's hair and put it in a little slot in the machine.

Nothing happened. Dr. Lofgren frowned and tapped her fist against the machine.

"Roffe, will you please organize backroom wires?" she asked.

_ "When would you like that done by?" _ Roffe replied.

"Quick as you are physically able."

_ "I could complete the task faster if I knew more commands. You have restricted me from teaching myself more commands. Would you like me to override this restriction?" _

"Ja. Ja. Whatever."

Roffe disappeared under the curtain. A moment later, words began to rapidly flash on the monitor.

Tex struggled to read them.

_ Female. Twenty-six. Ninety-two percent Native American. Eight percent Northern European. One point six meters tall. Preferred weight of sixty-one kilo-- _

The words began to go by too quickly for Tex to understand them, but Dr. Lofgren seemed content.

"Next person." she ordered.

Barton was next in line. Dr. Lofgren frowned at Barton's hat.

"No hair?" she asked as she reached into the pocket of her lab coat. "Will have to do finger prick."

Barton didn't resist in the slightest as she placed her finger inside the tiny box that was held out for her.

_ Female. Sixty-one. One hundred percent East African. One point eight meters tall. Preferred weight of fifty-one kilograms. Hair colo-- _

"Woah, that just gave me a rush." said Barton. "Prick the other one, too."

"No."

Junji was next after Barton. He handed a hair to Dr. Lofgren that he’d apparently already plucked from himself.

She placed it in the machine. After a few seconds of processing, the monitor began to blink with confusion regarding ‘inconsistencies’.

"Are you transgender man?" Dr. Lofgren wondered.

"I don't know." Junji replied.

Dr. Lofgren's eyes opened wide with fear.

"He's a man--thing." Tex stammered.

After a few moments of consideration, Dr. Lofgren manually typed 'male' into the machine and hit enter.

The rest of Junji's data seemed to file in just fine, which meant it was Tex's turn. He did his best not to flinch as Lofgren pulled a strand of his hair.

_ Male. Thirty-eight. Eighteen percent Latin American. Twelve percent South American. Forty percent Northern European. Nineteen percent Southern European. _

"Can we place our bets on the last percent?" asked Tala.

_ One percent Central African _.

Barton pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket and scribbled something on it. She handed it to Tex.

It read 'N-word pass'.

Tex winced as he slipped it into his pocket, unprepared for the responsibility.

"Most of this does not matter." Dr. Lofgren explained. "Please do not mind machine."

After they'd all been thoroughly scanned, several pages of information printed out of the side of the machine. Lofgren picked up the papers and fixed them to a clipboard before Tex could get a good look.

Roffe reappeared from under the curtains. He took a seat next to Tex’s foot.

"May I start simulation?" Dr. Lofgren asked as she pulled a remote from her pocket.

Tex didn't see why not, so he let out a mumble of affirmation along with everyone else. Dr. Lofgren pointed her remote at the screen and pressed several buttons.

The giant screen of the theater hummed to life with a moving picture. Tex took a look to see two people phase into view.

They were a male and an older female. The male's torso was covered in a pattern of horizontally striped tattoos, while the female's torso was covered in vertical ones. The only clothing they wore were strips of fabric over their genitalia. They were frighteningly high up in a tree, and the male was supporting the female like an expert trapeze artist.

The background was all savanna.

"Who are they?" Tex wondered.

"You." Dr. Lofgren replied as she pointed to him and Barton. "And her."

Tex re-examined the male's face in awe. His features were stronger, his skin was darker, and he was covered in more body hair, but Tex could distantly see the resemblance.

"How’d you make us cavemen?" he asked.

"Recreated your inherent neurology and physiology in simulation." answered Dr. Lofgren. "Put them in hunter-gatherer times as babies."

"How did you get data for hunter-gatherer times, though?" Tala pushed. "We don't have any."

"Machine creates a group of randomized human assets and raises them by Bonobo monkeys. Then machine speeds up time for several thousand generations until humans have developed complex language and culture."

Tex felt a wave of gratefulness that he'd previously learned what an asset was.

"Hell's a Bonobo monkey?" he wondered.

"Bonobo is human's closest relative." Dr. Lofgren explained fondly. "They are intelligent and altruistic species without war or infanticide."

"...Sounds nice."

"Yes. They also fuck children, but I did not want to mention."

While Tex suppressed a wave of nausea, the male and female in the tree began to bicker with one another. Dr. Lofgren pressed a button on her remote and the words 'translating to English' flashed across the screen.

"This female is respected elder." she said as she pointed to the older female on the screen. "She came into power by sheer force of old age."

"Good for her." Barton replied.

"You said they don't feel, right?" asked Tala.

"No." Dr. Lofgren replied. "Not conscious."

Tex examined the screen with thought. He believed Dr. Lofgren that they couldn't feel, but he couldn't help wondering what they would be thinking if they could.

|

"Just a little higher, Spia." said Dagut.

Spia grit his teeth and pushed Dagut up a few more inches. His thighs burned from suffering five hours of constant strain, but they were almost finished.

"Got it." Dagut followed.

Her weight became easier to support the moment her fingers had reached the branch. Still, Spia pushed until Dagut was able to get one of her legs next to her hand.

"Here." Spia grunted as he passed her the bag.

Dagut took the bag. With nothing else to capture his attention, Spia watched as she pulled out the fire stick and began to twist it rapidly into a grove in the bark on the branch she was seated on.

The hive they were after was inside a hollow in the tree. Once Dagut had made a tiny flame, she pulled out a tied mess of dry leaves from the bag, lit the end, and shoved it into the hollow.

"Did you blow on it?" asked Spia.

_ "Did you blow on it?" _ Dagut echoed before pushing her thumbs together to create a tiny hole and blowing through it onto the fire.

Dagut was a niht female elder who Spia had known his entire life. She was a pain in the ass, but Spia loved her, and he knew she loved him.

Once the bees had been properly incapacitated, Dagut began to pass the chunks of honeycomb down to Spia. Spia made a silent reminder to himself not to touch his hair until he washed his hands.

There were several dead bees stuck in the honeycomb. Spia tried not to think about how delicious they looked.

Getting down the tree was even harder than getting up, but it was their last climb of the day. Every muscle in Spia's body begged to be given a rest, but his mind knew doing so would result in injury and the loss of a perfectly good honeycomb, seven eggs, and some leaves that could be made into a resign that killed pain for the small price of severe diarrhea.

Spia leaned up against the tree and wiped the thick sweat from his brow the second they'd gotten back to the ground.

"You ready to run back home?" Dagut asked him.

"No."

"You'll be fine. It's only ten kilometers."

Spia groaned, but he knew he could do it. He did it everyday.

Although that didn’t make it easy.

"Okay, work is over." Dagut panted as they slowed to a halt near the end of their village. "Time to rest for ten hours."

_ "Uhhg. _"

"You're fine."

It was usually the time that Spia would set out to find his friends, but this time, they found him first.

They must have been waiting for him.

Spia's two best friends were Raif, a male, and Hudin, a younger niht female. He loved both of them very much and knew they loved him in return.

"...not saying it was aliens." Raif finished to Hudin. "I'm saying we can't rule out the possibility that it _ was _ aliens."

|

"I believe that is us." Junji noted to Tala.

"Nice to know we would all still hang out if we didn't have mercy killing to bring us together." Tala replied.

|

"Hello." Spia said as he greeted them by bending his right arm, extending his left, and dipping his head into his bent arm.

His friends returned the greeting.

|

"Oh my god." Tala muttered.

|

"How are you doing, Raif?" asked Spia.

|

"These are the stupidest names I've ever heard." Barton said.

|

"You smell bad." Raif replied.

"Thanks. Did you two hunt anything?"

Hudin held up a stick with two roasted birds shoved on it. They smelled delicious, but the sensation only made Spia a very familiar kind of uncomfortable.

"Raif tried to hunt a boar by himself." answered Hudin.

"Did it work?" Spia wondered.

"Am I holding a boar?" Raif replied.

"No."

"Do I look like I've just had to run for my life?"

"Yes."

They dropped off their food at the communal table. Everything looked appealing to Spia, although he didn't have the time to hide away and eat anything.

"Why was he trying to hunt a boar by himself?" Spia asked Hudin.

"No one would help him." she answered.

Despite the fact that Spia and Hudin both openly liked Raif, their collective status apparently wasn't enough to raise his.

"You should do honey and eggs with Dagut and I." Spia suggested to Raif. "We could use a third."

"...I'm allergic to bee stings." Raif replied.

Spia winced.

"You two do smell terrible." Hudin said. "Let's go to the river."

"We should stop by the cchit first." Dagut replied. “We need more soap."

Everyone mumbled in agreement, and they took off towards the river. They only stopped once to grab a cup of boiled ash and animal fat from a group of cchit females at the far end of camp.

"Thank you." Spia said the female who'd given him the soap.

She had wide hips and diagonally striped tattoos across her chest, as did all cchit. Spia had seen her a few times before.

"Have fun." she chuckled.

|

"Hell's a cchit?" asked Tex.

Dr. Lofgren paused the simulation with her remote and glanced down at her clipboard.

"One of their three squibders." she answered. "Males, nihts, and ccihts. Females have been broken into two groups based on body weight."

"For what?" Tala pushed.

"Cchit females are responsible for childbirth and gathering fruit. Niht females hunt bird and bugs."

Tex felt his face twist with confusion.

"What's a squibder?" he asked.

"Who knows?" Lofgren replied.

"Who cares?" Barton grunted.

|

The walk to the river wasn't long. Still, they managed to run into a large group of children following two adults whose names Spia didn't know.

All of the children were at least five, as was expected.

"Hello!" one of the adults greeted.

Along with everyone else, Spia bent his right arm, extended his left, and dipped his head into his bent arm.

"So you're on kid duty today, huh?" Dagut asked one of the adults.

While Dagut talked to the adults, Spia searched the group to see if any of his kids were present.

"Daddy!" a voice called.

Spia turned his attention in the direction of the voice and smiled wide when he saw who it was.

|

_ "Oh. _" Tex muttered, loud enough for only himself to hear.

|

Spia was nearly knocked over as his son came running over to him.

"Kames." Spia snickered. "Hey, buddy."

"I made an art!" Kames yelled.

Spia was handed a clay sculpture painted with different colors of berry juice. He examined it with care.

"It's--good." Spia said as he gave the sculpture back to Kames.

It wasn't good. Spia stepped on Raif's foot before he could give Kames any advice on complementary colors.

"Thank you!" Kames replied.

"You remember we're having family night with your mother the day after tomorrow, right?" asked Spia.

"Yes!"

"Uh, could you remind me who your mother is again?"

"Pulin."

"Oh good. It's always nice to see her."

After giving Spia one more promise that he would be on time, Kames ran off with his terrible statue to rejoin his friends.

Spia hadn’t been lying when he’d said it would be nice to see Pulin. He liked her the best of all the females he’d gotten pregnant, even if most of the village thought she was strange for only wanting to have sex with men.

The group moved on.

"That reminds me." Dagut said. "We're on kid duty tomorrow."

Spia’s face lit up with happiness. Kid duty was always his favorite day of the week.

The second half of the walk to the river was uneventful. Spia became more aware of just how dirty his hands were the closer they got.

Hudin took off her clothes immediately upon getting to the river bank. Spia thought nothing of it, as he did the same.

|

"Can we get some black bars on the window?" Tex asked in a tone less nervous than he felt.

"No." Dr. Lofgren replied. "Be big boy."

|

"You guys ready?" Hudin asked as she jumped in the water.

"Sure." Dagut replied. "I can't get horny anymore, but I'll watch."

Bathing in the river was one of Spia's favorite parts of the day. He especially enjoyed their cultural tradition of taking turns washing each other's hair and giving each other oral sex.

_ 'This sure is neat._' Spia thought to himself as his hair was washed and he was given oral sex.

|

"Ahh!" Tex yelped, shoving his face into his hands.

"Man, that's a lot of bisexuality." Barton noted.

"All ships are canon." said Tala.

"Skip it, _ please. _" Tex begged.

Dr. Lofgren rolled her eyes but sped forward a few minutes.

At the very least, Tex had learned that his penis would be bigger than Junji's, had Junji been in possession of one.

|

Spia had just put his loincloth back on when he noticed a Guineafowl drinking from the other side of the river.

Hudin was still getting ready. Without thinking, Spia grabbed Hudin’s slingshot and fired a rock at the bird.

He missed by several feet. It wasn’t a surprise, considering he had no training with ranged weapons.

“Give me that.” Hudin scolded before grabbing her slingshot back.

"We should take the short way back." Dagut said as she grabbed the leftover soap. "I don't want to be late for sanctuary."

The short way home was a little less populated and a little more dangerous, but they'd be fine, given that they were a group of four.

"Oh, that's a corpse." Raif announced.

With reluctant eyes, Spia followed Raif's finger to see the mangled dead body of a male. The body was clutching a chunk of bird meat, so it wasn't hard to figure out what had happened.

Spia was just thankful it was no one he knew.

"Maybe he just killed himself." said Hudin.

"That's dark." Dagut replied.

Spia touched his chin with thought. He supposed it was physically possible for someone to murder themself, but he'd never had the thought before.

It _ was _ a dark thought. He made a note to talk to his psychologist about it.

"Another person has died eating alone." Raif said dryly. "If only this could have been avoided."

Spia felt his face turn white.

"Don't start." he snapped.

"But--"

"Don't start."

Both Hudin and Dagut looked uncomfortable by how heated things had gotten. With a sigh, Spia did his best to soften his face.

|

"Ok, what's going on?" asked Tala.

Dr. Lofgren looked back at her clipboard.

"Eating in front of others is thought to be shameful act that will lead to violence and cannibalism." she explained.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Barton replied.

"Why do they think that?" Tex wondered.

Dr. Logren pulled a twenty-sided die out of her pocket. In a sweep of her hand, she rolled it across the ground.

"...Point taken." followed Tex.

Tex looked back at the screen. He was just thankful that modern humans weren't so militant about applying shame to such basic things.

|

"Let's stop for a moment here." Raif said. "I have to pee."

They made their way over to a tree. While Dagut and Hudin kept watch on either side of Raif, Spia made eye contact with Raif so he would feel safe while he urinated.

"Have you seen any cool bugs lately?" Spia asked, bored.

|

"Ah!" Tex yelped.

"What?" Junji wondered.

"You're peeing!"

Junji rolled his eyes.

_ "Americans _." he huffed.

To Tex's surprise, he was the only one flipping out.

"I don't get why you think it's such a big deal." said Tala.

"The hell?" Tex spat. "How can y'all not think it's a big deal?"

"I mean, it's kind of weird, but only because we made it weird in the first place."

"It ain't _ natural. _"

|

"Hang on." Dagut said. "I need to take a dump."

|

"Ahh!" Tex shouted, cursing himself for ever uncovering his eyes.

"Coward." Barton muttered.

"Skip it! Please!"

_ "Fine. _" Dr. Lofgren replied.

Dr. Lofgren pressed her skip button for several seconds. When she released it, everyone was back in town.

|

They made it back to their village with a few minutes to spare. Spia winced to see the main path was blocked by two strangers in the middle of an animated argument.

"We should report the dead body." Dagut said quietly.

"I'll do it." Hudin replied. "He's my second cousin, so I know his family."

Hudin left their group, which meant there were even fewer people to separate Spia from the arguing pair.

_ "...how you can think that. _" the male finished.

_ "I can kill thirty birds with thirty rocks and hunt a boar better than you. _ " the niht female replied. _ "You think my body can't handle a baby?" _

While the male's face twisted with anger, Raif began to sidestep away.

"I'll see you at sanctuary, Spia." Raif muttered as he left.

_ "Traditions exist for a reason._" the male spat at the female.

_ "And I suppose you think we should keep sacrificing lefties to the sun gods, do you?" _ she replied.

"Are you coming to sanctuary?" Dagut asked Spia.

"In a few minutes." he replied. "I need to...do some stuff."

Dagut flicked her brow up.

"You know where the food is." she muttered.

Spia turned his face away so she wouldn't see how red his face had gotten. He waited until no one he knew was around before grabbing some berries, roasted bird, and eggs from the food table and running off into the savanna. He found a spot behind a tree, with no one around for half a kilometer.

Discussions of eating tended to make everyone uncomfortable, but Spia knew he was a special case.

It had started with a fascination a few years after his subconscious had come to understand that it was a taboo. He wasn't sure if it was learned or if it was a pre-existing condition, but the thought of eating in front of another person got him off more than anything else he could think of.

He'd never indulged himself in the thought, as he was too ashamed. But he knew it was there, just as he knew that he could never, ever, ever tell anyone. Because if he did, no one would love him anymore.

He didn't think too hard about it. The thought only came up when he ate, and he always managed to push it down.

Spia retreated to the outdoor auditorium where sanctuary was held once he’d finished. Everyone had already started with the meditation session, so it was easy to sneak in and sit down in the spot Raif had saved for him.

The back of the auditorium had been painted with the phrase _ It is unwise to love a man before there is hair on his chin. _

"You may notice that you apply negative or positive value to each of your thoughts as you have them." said the female leading the meditation, a cchit elder. "Do your best to ignore these value placements, and simply observe each thought as an inherent neutrality."

Spia let his eyes fall closed out of habit. It wasn't hard for him to fall into a meditative state, even with the occasional sound of people breaking down sobbing as they confronted their inner demons.

_ 'This sure makes my life better. _' Spia thought to himself.

The meditation session came to an end when the elder played a note from her flute.

"Thank you all for joining me today." she said.

_ "Thank you, Gengar!" _ someone called.

Several people laughed. Gengar chuckled along with them.

"We gather today to discuss the teachings of Mu, the goddess of wisdom." followed Gengar.

Gengar put her flute down before she continued. Spia felt a rush of anticipation, as learning new things always made him feel more whole.

"Mu taught us of three spirits that make our world and all we can see." she explained.

|

"God, what’s this crap?” asked Barton.

|

"First, the spirit of length." Gengar continued.

Gengar touched the tips of her fingers together and moved them to either side of her face.

"Then, the spirit of height."

Gengar touched her finger tips together once again, but this time, she moved them away from each other on a vertical axis.

"And finally, the spirit of width."

After making her final finger touch, Gengar moved one finger behind herself and the other in front.

|

"Oh, this is okay I guess." Barton mumbled.

|

Spia reached his hands out and examined them with new understanding. He'd learned of the three spirits from Hudin years before, but he was always happy to be reminded.

"Mu also taught that there might be other spirits, ones that we can't see with our limitations as creatures of only three spirits." Gengar explained.

Spia's head spun as he tried to imagine a world with a forth spirit. He could understand the general concept, but he found himself getting stuck trying to imagine what it might look like.

|

"Never mind, I was right the first time." Barton followed.

|

After their celebration of Mu came a debate of intelligent design versus non-intelligent design. They broke into two groups and took turns forming circles around each other, with the inner circle having the discussion and the outer circle observing.

|

"I thought fishbowl seminars were invented by the Greeks." said Tex.

Dr. Lofgren replied by laughing so hard that she had to wipe her eyes.

|

"...have to be a god." a male finished. "What else could have made us?"

"Even if we were made by a god, god had to have been created by something. And somewhere along that line, something had to have not been intelligent-design." Hudin argued.

|

"Man, imagine if these people knew how to grow food." Tala said.

|

After the debate, a male elder announced the names of the three adolescents who would be having their coming of age ceremony in just a few days. Spia applauded along with everyone else.

Coming of age ceremonies happened for females at their first menstrual cycle, and for males at their first public erection. The ceremony consisted of being given a bunch of mushrooms.

Spia was just about to reunite with his friends when he noticed a group of three cciht females, all giving him a side eye.

He turned to them to get a closer look. Two of the females met his gaze, but the one in the center dropped her eyes to the ground.

He recognized their faces, but he didn't know their names.

"Go." one of the females whispered to the one in the middle. "Ask him."

The middle female's attention stayed on the ground as she took a few steps towards him.

"Hello." Spia greeted. "Can I help you with something?"

"Is this a bad time?" the female asked. "If this is a bad time, I won't bother you."

"No, this is fine."

"Oh..."

The female looked like she'd been wishing it was a bad time.

"I want to have a baby." she said. "And I was hoping--you could father the child."

Spia raised both his eyebrows.

"Making a baby is a big responsibility." said Spia.

"I'm prepared."

"You're prepared to take care of it for a full four years? That’s a long time.”

"Yes."

Having gotten all the information he needed, it wasn't hard for Spia to make his decision.

"Alright, then." he replied.

"Really?"

"Sure. Why not?”

"Thank you!"

She wasn't particularly attractive, but getting to put his penis into something that wasn't an asshole or actively bleeding was always nice.

"No problem." Spia replied.

"I start ovulating in three days."

“Sure. And call me when the baby's going to be born. I can be there with you, if you want."

“That’s so kind. I’m sure your energy will make a great half for our child.”

|

“Hah, spiritual dumbasses don’t know what genes are.” Barton grunted.

“Do you know how genes work?” Tala wondered.

“Ugh, what does it matter?”

|

The female retreated to her friends with a smile and a few tears of joy. Spia was always happy to be a father again.

He found Hudin, Raif, and Dagut on the other side of the auditorium. It was getting dark, so Spia was glad he’d eaten when he did.

"Where were you?" Hudin asked as they helped tidy the area.

"I'm going to be a dad." answered Spia.

"Who asked?"

"Don't know."

"Was it a cchit?"

Spia looked over at Hudin's face to see it was just as judgmental as her tone.

He let out a quick scoff.

"You know what?" Spia replied. "I don't think that matters."

"Really?" asked Hudin. "Because it does matter."

"Why are you so hung up on this, anyway?"

"It's just science. Are you denying that cciht women have wider hips? You can't deny that. It's their definitive feature."

"No, but--"

"Some types of people are better at some things. Males are better at lifting things and identifying colors by sense of smell. Niht are better at acrobatics and using ranged weapons. Cchit are better at giving birth and making blood sacrifices. These are facts that science has proven."

"I'm not disagreeing with that. I'm just saying, if niht wants to have a baby, and a cchit doesn't, what's the big deal? It's not like the world is going to end."

"Cciht women can push out babies with low death rates. Niht women are actually going to die if they try to have kids. That's not fair to their babies."

Spia frowned. He understood that Hudin came from a family of traditionalists, but he didn't understand why she always had to be so conservative.

"Raif, back me up here." he pleaded.

"No." Raif replied.

"Alright."

"Let's say _ you _ wanted to have a baby." Hudin continued as she pointed at Spia. "Should you get to have one just because you want to? Do you want to push a baby out your dick hole, Spia?"

Whatever reply Spia was planning on making was interrupted when another group of people approached them.

"Hello!" the male in the lead greeted.

Spia bent his right arm, extended his left, and dipped his head into his bent arm. The newcomers returned the greeting.

"Did you want to ask us something?" he wondered.

"Yeah, actually." a male replied. "We're having a sex pit next to the artifact hut, and we were wondering if any of you want to join."

"I could go for a sex pit."

"Me too." said Hudin. "Although I'm ovulating, so I can only do anal."

|

"God, that's so relatable." Tala muttered.

|

"That's fine." the man replied.

"Oh, but I don't have a towel. I should get some first."

"I'll go with you." Dagut said to Hudin. "I want to grab some water."

Spia's group was halved as Dagut and Hudin left for the fabric weavers.

Hudin was always excited to join a sex pit. So was Spia, but like all males, his lust could never match that of a female's.

One of the other members of the new group drifted her eyes towards Raif.

"Are you bringing...him?" she asked Spia.

"Yes, I am." Spia replied with an irritated flick of his eyebrows.

"Well, at least he's handsome."

The group took off towards the artifact hut. Spia turned to Raif instead of following them right away.

"Are you up for a sex pit?" he asked Raif.

"I don't feel welcome." Raif muttered.

"Hudin and I can get you in a four-way."

"...Fine."

They began to make their way over to the artifact hut. It wasn't a long walk, but it was long enough for Spia to start up a conversation.

"How come you didn't support me back there?" Spia wondered as he grabbed Raif’s hand and fitted it in his own.

"About pregnancy rights?"

"Yeah."

"Because you two are both equally ridiculous."

Spia looked over at Raif's face to see no indication that he was joking.

"We all argue day in and out over if niht should have children and if cchit should be able to opt out," Raif continued, "but no one ever seems to consider that these are categories we've manufactured."

Spia couldn't believe what he was hearing. Everyone knew that there were three squibders. Just like everyone knew that hitting children wasn't worth its effectiveness as a short-term solution because it made for emotionally-unstable adults, and that it took twenty-four hours for the sun to go around the earth.

"You can't just say something like that." Spia replied.

"I can say whatever I want."

"Okay, but you can't say something like that without backing it up."

Raif let out a sigh of comical exasperation.

"Some females have bigger hips than others." Spia followed. "Half of females weigh more than seventy kilograms, and half weigh less. How can you argue with that?"

|

"Why do they know what kilograms are?" asked Junji.

"Can we just watch this stupid thing?" Barton replied.

|

"We will say there is a spectrum of females from heaviest to lightest." Raif replied. "And on another axis, a spectrum of how much they want a baby, and then a third axis for a spectrum of how well they could deliver said baby. No matter what correlations you might find, there are no definitive lines to draw."

"Yes there is. In the middle."

"Why not in thirds?"

Spia blinked.

"Why don't we divide males on either side of eighty-five kilograms?" followed Raif.

At first, Spia found himself unable to think of a response. But then, an argument that had originally been Raif’s came to him.

"I get what you're saying." Spia said slowly.

"But?"

"But we're natural. So even if we make something, isn't that thing still natural?"

Raif rubbed his chin.

"That's a good argument..." he muttered.

|

"No it’s not." said Junji.

|

Arguing with Raif was one of Spia's favorite activities. The only thing he might have enjoyed more was sleeping, as it meant he got to wake up to another day of living in a group of people willingly supporting one another with their work and helping each other to create a better community and having a political system simple enough that he could understand and observe its inner-workings, as was the human condition.

They arrived at the artifact hut in less than a minute. But to Spia's surprise, there was no orgy in sight. Instead, a group of seven spoke to each other in hushed voices.

"Something's wrong." Raif whispered.

Spia walked with Raif to the group. They all looked over when Spia cleared his throat.

"What's going on?" he wondered.

Out of the seven people, Spia knew most of them, but not by name.

"Someone died." a niht female explained.

"What happened?" asked Spia.

"Apparently they got mauled while they were eating dinner."

"Are you talking about the male who we found? Hudin's cousin?"

"No, this one was a female."

"Oof, that's two in one day."

Spia felt Raif tense beside him. In horror, Spia looked at Raif's face to see the expression of a man who'd received his final straw.

"So, are we overturning this regulation?" Raif asked.

Independently of each other, each group member turned their eyes towards Raif.

"Excuse me?" the female replied.

"Raif, don't do this." Spia pleaded.

"Half of our dead were killed while eating." Raif continued. "We are humans, we are not meant to do things alone."

One of the males burst into tears.

|

"God, these people cry a lot." said Barton.

|

"She was my sister." the male replied through his tears. "How dare you turn this into an outlet for your--cannibalistic cause."

"What does anything I'm saying have to do with violence? How brainwashed are you that you see a connection?"

Spia had known Raif his whole life. He’d never seen Raif so angry.

"Stop." Spia pushed. "Please."

One of the males lifted a sharp rock from the ground. Spia felt the color drain from his face.

"Don't hurt him." Spia followed. "You don't understand him."

A female reached for her slingshot and another male grabbed his spear from his back. Spia hadn't seen such a look in a group of people's eyes in decades, but he still managed to recognize it meant someone had to go.

"You know, I think you've been a nuisance to us for long enough." the male with the rock said. "I can handle transgression, but not when it's at the cost of humanity."

"Castrate him." one of the others suggested.

"He doesn't deserve it. I'm going to kill him."

"You can do two things."

|

"Damn, humans used to be so violent." said Tala. "Now we just retweet lies about people on Twitter until they want to kill themselves."

|

"You're insane!" Spia shouted. "You don't need to do this."

Spia hadn't realized it, but he and Raif were slowly being backed into the side of the artifact hut. As soon as Spia's back hit the wall, a spear was shoved in his face.

"Are you really going to defend a predator?" the male with a spear asked him. "Do the right thing and stand down."

It was a horrible choice to make, between the two of them both meeting their fate or just one of them. But in the end, it was the thought of defending something that made him so ashamed that caused Spia to let go of Raif's hand and step away.

"That's fine." Raif spat. "I'll do it without you."

|

It was at that moment that Tex finally understood why there had been a red dot and bad reviews in Dr. Lofgren's theater.

|

"You're not going to be doing much--"

The second before Spia could even close his eyes, a small pebble sailed through the air and hit the male with the spear in the forehead.

His brow tensed with confusion.

"...Huh?" he asked as he looked up at the empty sky.

"Oh, sorry." said a familiar voice. "Were you busy?"

Spia looked over his shoulder to see Dagut walking towards them with a dead eyes.

At the sight of an elder, everyone disengaged their weapons.

"Yeah, we were." the male replied. "We have a guy here wondering why we shouldn't just kill each other for food."

"You mean the eating thing?" asked Dagut. "Please. You don't know this man at all."

"Are you _ defending _ him?"

"At least he's speaking for what he believes in."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Someone has to go, so you snap at the first person who steps out of line. I get it. You're like teenagers, purging whoever you can to make sure it isn’t you."

The male who'd picked up a rock tossed it back on the ground, harder than he needed to.

"What do you suggest we do with him?" the female with the slingshot asked.

"We answer his questions." Dagut replied.

The group looked stunned, but they still complied when Dagut maneuvered them into a semi-circle and had them all sit down.

"Weapons over there." she ordered. "Thank you."

Everyone left their weapons in a little pile. Spia sat down too, although it was more because he no longer felt able to support himself.

"What would you like to ask me?" Dagut said to Raif.

Raif glanced at each member of the group who'd tried to kill him before looking back at Dagut.

"I don't understand why we torture ourselves like this, and why we continue to do so when it brings about so much death." he answered, the words slow.

"We understand that people die. But we believe that when an action brings about more good than bad, that action is justified. We consider the prevention of perverted cultures to be of more good than the death toll is bad."

"I suppose that makes sense. But I simply can't comprehend why we believe public eating will lead to perversion."

"For the same reason we believe walking leads to moving.” the female who’d had a slingshot spat. “What kind of response is that?"

Dagut put her hand up.

“Our ancient legends tell of several societies where public eating was not only encouraged, but mandatory." she explained.

"What of it?"

"In these societies, it acceptable to cannibalize children in an attempt to add their energy to your ‘life force’.”

Raif opened his mouth but quickly closed it.

"Public eating was already considered mildly rude in our culture, and we had no cannibalism." Dagut continued. "That's how we made the connection, and why we started to increase social pressure."

“Couldn’t that just be a coincidence?”

"It could be. But we haven't done it in front of each other for thousands of years, and have no idea what will happen."

“What if we did a trial?”

“Are you willing to take that risk?”

Their conversation continued, but Spia found himself too ashamed to pay attention.

He didn't realize he'd snapped into a trance until everyone was gone but Raif, who was standing over him.

"...hear me?" Raif finished.

"I'm sorry." Spia said immediately.

Out of all the emotions Spia was expecting to see in Raif's eyes, surprise was low on the list.

"It's alright." Raif replied.

"It's really not."

"But it is. I wouldn't ask you to sacrifice yourself just so we could both die."

Spia wiped his face of tears he hadn't even noticed were there. He had no desire to explain to Raif that it was more complicated on his end.

He also couldn't help but feel that Raif might have been angrier if he'd had a higher opinion of himself.

"I need to go on a walk." he said as he stood.

"Please come back soon. I don't want to sleep alone."

Spia mumbled in agreement as he got up.

He didn't stop walking until he was a good ways out of the village. With every step, he wondered how he was supposed to live with himself after--

Spia turned his head towards a rustling in the grass next to him. It was dark, but he could still make out the giant spotted cat as it lunged towards him.

"Oh, sp--" he managed.

|

The simulation ended.

"Wow." Barton said with a nod. "I can't believe I could've sucked so much."

"Would you like to see another simulation?" asked Dr. Lofgren.

"Uh, um." Tex stammered.

"I mean, what else are we going to do?" Tala replied.

"I would be interested." Junji stated.

Dr. Lofgren clicked a button on her remote. The savanna was replaced by a more puritanical setting before Tex could even begin to process what had just happened.

"Medieval people are just as dumb as hunter gatherers," Dr Lofgren explained, "except their knowledge is destroyed by a random king every two hundred years and they live under circumstances they were not evolved for."

The focus was still on the four of them. Besides their new clothing, their complexions had lightened significantly. And although their faces were still recognizable, their features had been shifted into something more northern European.

They appeared to be stoning an unwed pregnant woman. Tex might have noticed, had he not mentally checked himself out.

"Ha, olden times people were so stupid." Barton laughed as she pointed her finger.

"Just olden times people, huh?" asked Tala.

"Yeah. People were all batshit until about sixty years ago. Now they're alright."

Dr. Lofgren pressed a button on her remote. The screen shifted to show a scene of a modern protest.

|

“What do you mean when you say war is gay?” the interviewer asked twentieth century Barton at the protest rally.

“I mean war’s fucking gay." twentieth century Barton replied. "What else would it mean?”

|

"Lame." said Barton.

Dr. Lofgren pressed another button.

|

“So you’re in support of Eugenics, because you believe that Kyrgyz people are the most superior race?” Joe Rogan asked.

“Yes.” replied Junji.

“That’s a...unique choice.”

|

"I've always wanted to meet with the great negotiator." Junji muttered fondly.

|

"Hitler brings up some good points, actually. I do need someone to blame for our economy." German Tala noted to her friend.

|

“This isn’t so bad.” Tala shrugged.

|

“What was that?” her friend asked. “Sorry, I’m on the phone.”

“God, you and phones.” Tala replied with a scoff. “Remember when we used to talk face to face?”

|

While Tala screamed, Dr. Lofgren changed the scene once again.

“You know, watching Dallas kill a Japanese version of himself in World War II brings up a good point.” said Barton. “I’m not sure what it is, but it’s there.”

Junji turned to Dr. Lofgren.

“I must ask.” he said to her. “Which one of us has owned the most slaves?”

Dr. Lofgren pressed a button that displayed what looked like statistics across the screen, although they were all in Swedish.

“I would have to run more simulations for better answer,” she started, “but so far, Ms. Locklear has--”

“I’m number one!” Tala shouted.

“Good for you.” Barton replied.

“Are you proud of me Tex?”

Tex said nothing.

“Tex?” followed Tala.

“W--huh?” Tex asked.

Tex looked over to see that Tala was eyeing him with expectation.

“What’s up your ass?” Barton wondered. “You haven’t said a word.”

"I'm gonna--go to the bathroom." Tex replied before immediately taking off too quickly to gauge anyone's reaction.

The bathrooms weren't hard to find. Instead of going in, Tex sat down on the floor and put his back to the wall.

The bizarre ideologies of the people in the simulation had been nothing to compare to the way Tex felt about witnessing his own personal failings. He sat in a trance of disbelief for about five minutes before a pair of shoes pattering against the floor made him look up.

It was Junji. Tex looked at his shoes.

"Are you alright?" asked Junji.

When Tex replied, he found he was only able to speak through his teeth.

"No, I'm not alright." Tex answered.

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? I betrayed you is what's wrong."

Junji seemed surprised by the intensity of Tex's response.

“Which time?” Junji asked.

“Huh?”

“The time in Berlin? Or the time in--”

“The time we were cavemen.”

Junji’s formed into an ‘oh’ shape.

"I did not interpret it that way." Junji stated.

"Yeah, I got that from the...other you."

"No, I meant that I did not interpret those people as us."

Tex finally managed to look Junji in the eyes, but not for long.

"...You didn't?" he asked.

"That man had a different upbringing than you. Vastly different ideologies."

"He had my blood. That's what matters."

"If you are truly going to stick by that opinion, you might have committed every sin imaginable in that machine."

Tex stared.

"And so might have I." followed Junji.

"I just--I don't feel good about this."

Junji sighed.

"I am going to come over the next night we both have off, and we are going to watch a movie." he said. "I do not, nor will I ever, think less of you because of what I saw today."

Tex said nothing. Junji gave him one last look before retreating back to the others.

All things considered, Junji had made some good arguments. Still, Tex liked himself just a little less from that day forth.


	19. Tex's Ex

For the second time in two days, Tex awoke on the wood floor of their motel room with a kink in both his neck and morning wood.

Tala was sitting on one bed while Junji was on the other. After stumbling in and out of the bathroom for a shower, Tex concluded that Barton was nowhere to be found.

"What time is it?" Tex asked Tala.

"Two PM." answered Tala. "Ying's picking us up in two hours."

"Hell's Barton?"

"She went back to see Dr. Lofgren."

"Why?"

Tala opened her mouth in a silent scoff.

"I don't know everything, okay?" she replied.

Tex took another look at his friends. Tala was still on her phone, while Junji was busy studying Swedish news articles and not wearing pants.

"Why don't we go get her?" Tex suggested as he dropped a pair of pants on Junji's head.

Both Tala and Junji ended up agreeing. Tex checked them out of the motel after making sure they hadn't forgotten anything. They got to Dr. Lofgren's place even faster than the day before, as they knew which buses to take.

Tex opened the door of the theater for Tala and Junji before stepping in himself.

Past the rows of velvet seats, Dr. Lofgren sat on the stage at a round wooden table that hadn't been there the day before. On the other side was Barton, and they seemed to be engaged in conversation.

Roffe napped on the ground by Dr. Lofgren's feet.

"...said 'Not if we nuke you first!' and mooned all the Russians." Barton monologued. "Anyway, they didn't send us aid."

"Ooh." Dr. Lofgren replied. "Were these things related?"

"Nah."

Tex cleared his throat.

Upon noticing him, Barton crossed her hands over her chest. Tex was unsure what she was doing there.

"Hello!" Dr. Lofgren greeted with a wide smile. "Friends! Please come down."

Tex complied along with Junji and Tala and hopped onto the stage upon arrival. There weren't enough seats at the table for all of them, so Tex stayed standing.

"Good to see you again, ma'am." Tex said to Dr. Lofgren.

"Yes, good." she replied. "Now that you're all here, I have something for you to see."

Tex knew he should probably give a flat no for time's sake, but Dr. Lofgren looked so excited that he couldn't bear to.

"Uh, how long will it take?" he wondered. "We gotta mosey on out in about an hour."

"Won't take that long. Here."

Dr. Lofgren reached into her pocket with intent, but she frowned and pulled out an empty hand.

"Roffe, did you see where I left my phone?" she asked.

_"I last saw you leave it on the counter in the kitchen._" Roffe barked.

"Oh, thank you."

Dr. Lofgren scurried off to a door by the side of the stage that Tex hadn't even noticed was there. While she was gone from sight, Roffe rolled over next to Tex's feet.

Tex felt it would be impolite not to say anything.

“So.” he started. “You’re a dog?”

_“I was originally created as a computer that assembled nuclear missiles._” Roffe replied. _“Dr. Lofgren upgraded my body and added a canine's brain to my own to give me a new purpose._”

“... Alright.”

"Here it is!" Dr. Lofgren said as she emerged from the room with a rectangle in her hand.

Upon climbing back on stage, Dr. Lofgren handed her phone to Tex. Everyone crowded around him to look at the screen.

The screen showed several graphics. Tex examined the one on top first.

"What is it?" asked Tala.

"I ran your DNA over every simulation between ancient Rome and modern China last night." Dr. Lofgren explained. "These are compiled results of average desire to do good, and average impact on the world."

"Woah..." Tex trailed off.

"I think of it like soul."

Before he could get too lost trying to wrap his head around what Dr. Lofgren had said, Tex examined the other three graphics.

"Your middle name is Jogging Bear?" Tex muttered to Tala.

"How do you determine impact on society?" Junji asked.

“Not objectively.” answered Dr. Lofgren.

Tex looked over just in time to see Junji nod fondly.

"Neither I nor machine is perfect." Dr. Lofgren continued. "Machine can only analyse reality and try to make guesses based on its understanding of what is probable, and I can only give opinion on results."

"Wait." Tex said as he touched his forehead.

"Hmm?" 

"If it's always--analysis, can it view the present?"

"Only immediate present, to ninety-five percentage average accuracy."

"Then couldn't you use it to predict everything?"

Dr. Lofgren shook her head no.

"Even if something is probable to happen, does not mean it will happen." she answered. "Machine is better for hypotheticals."

"Guess that makes sense." Tex replied.

"But I can make it do this!"

Dr. Lofgren messed with her remote for the next minute and a half. Once she'd finished, the screen hummed to life.

The new scene was more modern. Tex examined the screen in amazement to see himself, Barton, Junji, and Tala all sitting around the table in the main office having a respectful discussion on gun control that they might’ve had any other day when they had too much time on their hands.

"Oh." Tala said. "Did you change anything?"

"Just one thing." answered Dr. Lofgren.

|

"...disagree with that?" Tala continued. "They've proved that countries with bans on assault rifles don't have--"

"Please stop." Tex begged as he hid his face in his hands. "I just wanna be friends."

"What,” Barton replied, “you wanna live in some boot-licker European country where grown men kiss each other--”

“Yes, I would.” Tala interrupted.

“--and everyone wears shoes made of swiss cheese? They've proven that the media doesn't report--"

Barton’s voice was overpowered by the sound of the office door getting kicked open. Tex peeked through his fingers to see Junji wearing his usual backwards baseball cap and pair of baggy sweats.

"Ah, fuck off." said Junji, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. "You chuckleheads ain't gonna get nowhere arguing with yourselves if you don't agree on what da baseline facts are. And you know what? There ain't no facts. It's just a bunch a' big wigs conducting bias studies to back up campaigns--"

"Junji, you’re getting spray tan on the floor." Tala cut in.

"Hey Einstein, you know who said you couldn't prove shit? Einstein, dats who. We all tawlk and tawlk about how much of a genius he was, but..."

Tex stopped listening as Junji droned on. He didn't know much about Junji, as he'd never cared to find out.

|

The simulation ended.

"... Thank you." Tex muttered to no one in particular. "Thank you, I needed that."

"Dr. Lofgren, where did you get this machine?" asked Tala.

"Ah, see, it is very simple." Dr. Lofgren answered with excitement. "I steal from Area 51!"

Tex's head was still spinning by the time they had to go, but thankfully not as much as the day before. 

He just barely managed to pull everyone away from Dr. Lofgren.

"Hejdå!" Dr. Lofgren sang as she waved them off. "Visit me again someday."

"It was nice meeting you." Roffe barked to Tex.

"Nice meeting you too, pardner." he replied.

While Barton ordered a cab, Junji scribbled something on a scrap of paper. Tex caught a glance to see it was the address of the theater they'd just been at.

Junji pocketed the scrap before the cab came.

The cab took them to another industrial district, and a short walk got them to an abandoned parking lot that Tex doubted Ying had permission to use. But she clearly had, as was evident from the single guard who Tex recognized from the time he'd picked Junji up.

"Where's the plane?" Tala wondered.

"You'll see." Tex replied.

Junji led them to the guard, who opened the invisible hatch and stepped aside without a second glance.

"You got a Chameleon cloak?" Barton asked the guard.

"Yes." he answered.

"You get that from the Russians, or...?"

"I believe the technology was invented for the McDonald's corporation."

"Good for them."

Barton stepped inside after Junji. Tex was the last to climb the stairs, save for the guard.

The inside of Ying's jet hadn't changed since the last time Tex had seen it. Ying herself no longer looked sick, although the bags under her eyes implied they'd kept her up.

"Whoa." said Barton. "That really is Ying Kwan."

"Yes." Ying replied.

The jet took off after just a few minutes. Tex wasn't sure how long the ride was going to be, but he hoped it would be shorter than the one there.

Tala and Junji got to work on one of their world building projects while Barton fell asleep, leaving Tex with Ying. Which he figured was for the best, as he wasn't sure Junji had mentioned Japan to her yet.

He was cautious as he approached her.

"Hey, uh, can I talk to you 'bout something?" he asked.

"Okay." Ying answered.

"Was hoping I could get a favor."

"What favor?"

Tex chewed on his lower lip as he tried to find the best way to make his request.

"It's pretty simple." he replied. "We got a job in Japan, but Junji can't come. We need a fourth."

"Okay."

Ying didn't look like she knew where the conversation was going.

"I was hoping you could do it." Tex pushed.

"When?"

"Soon as we can."

Ying frowned. 

"I’ve not slept in two days." said Ying.

"We don't gotta go today."

"I would be willing to go tomorrow."

"Thank you. That works."

Ying pulled out her phone and quickly checked the screen.

"I will spend the night here." she said as she put her phone away. "Tomorrow afternoon I will take us to Japan and help you, but I will return home after that."

"That's more than enough."

The ride to King County only ended up taking about four hours, which was better than Tex could have hoped for. Still, they had to take a ten minute bus ride to the train station so they could get back to Seattle.

It was Tuesday afternoon by the time they got off the train, local time.

"So Ying said she could help us tomorrow?" Tala asked as they left the station.

"Yeah." Tex answered.

"Tomorrow's Wednesday. Guess we'll have to miss Bianca's meeting."

"Ah, shit. Lemme see if I can reschedule."

Tex pulled out his phone and navigated to his messages after booting it up.

**To Tala Doesn't Wash Her Hands After She Pees**  
would yall be up for meeting tonight instead of tomorrow? we had some messy scheduling on our next job.

Tex's phone buzzed in response right away.

**From Bianca**  
i can't i'm pooping

**From Sean**  
i need a ride

**To Tala Doesn't Wash Her Hands After She Pees**  
sean, where do you live?

**From Bianca**  
nvm i finished pooping i can go

**From Sean**  
1428 Post Alley, Seattle, WA 98101

**To Tala Doesn't Wash Her Hands After She Pees**  
that address is downtown. i thought you lived on a farm

**From Sean**  
i don't live downtown. i just got a chore I do here every tuesday

**To Tala Doesn't Wash Her Hands After She Pees**  
alright, i can pick you up

**From Sean**  
thanks, man!

**From Luke's Wife**  
We can go.

**From Caverly's Husband**  
But we might be a few minutes late.

**From Spoodge King**  
Yain't still trying to conceive, by any chance?

**From Gamer Gril**  
omg junji

**From Caverly's Husband**  
We already did.

**From Bianca**  
woah, you're pregnant?

**From Caverly's Husband**  
No, I'm a man.

**From Sean**  
men can get pregnant

**From Sean**  
this one time I gave birth to myself

A minute passed, but Lida didn't respond.

"What are we doing?" Tala wondered.

"Lida's coming to us." Tex answered. "I was thinking we could take her to the meeting."

"So you really wanna rope all of us into this, then?" asked Barton.

"Hey, it was your idea for us to stick together."

While Barton bit her lip, Tala's face contorted with confusion.

"Wait." Tala said. "How's Lida going to get us?"

A horn honked twice. Tex looked over in time to see a car roll up to the parking lane on the same side of the street they were standing on.

"Uh-oh." Tex muttered.

"Howdy!" Lida greeted as she rolled down the window.

The car was a brand new silver Mercedes-Benz. Tex was certain Lida had the money, although he wasn't sure what had sparked the decision.

Tex walked over and bent down so he could get a good view of Lida.

"You got a car?" he asked.

"Uh-huh." she replied. "Figured if I'm gonna be down here so much, might as well have a way to get around."

"...Guess that makes sense."

"Yeah, Barton was the one who suggested it."

Tex turned his head towards Barton with a hard jaw.

"So you were talking to Lida, huh?" he muttered.

Barton coughed. Tala bent down next to Tex.

"Since you have a car, could you help us pick up Sean?" she asked.

Lida shrugged.

"Don’t see why not." she replied.

"Oh, but actually," Tala continued, her voice twisting with second thoughts, "you would have to drive downtown to get--"

"Sounds like a great idea." Barton cut in.

"...What?" asked Tex.

"Lida got all upset last time because the uptown hippies are mean. So we should take her downtown."

"Are downtown folks friendlier?" Lida wondered.

"Hell, yeah. Sometimes they give me free drugs."

Tex wasn't sure it was a good idea, but he supposed they did need to pick up Sean.

"Hang on." Tala said. "Before we go downtown, I need to change into my ass-kicking outfit."

While Tala bolted off towards the train station bathrooms with her bag in hand, Tex grabbed Barton by the shoulder and turned them both around.

"What are you doing?" he whispered to her.

"I'm speed running this shit." she muttered back.

Tex grit his teeth but turned back towards Lida before she could get suspicious. Lida unlocked the doors, and Tex snagged shotgun.

He ran his finger over the dashboard and tried not to think about how much money Lida must have spent. He'd never been one for new cars, but he had to appreciate how sleek the inside was.

"Want me to drive?" Tex wondered.

Lida squinted her eyes into a look that immediately told Tex he'd said something wrong.

"What, is driving too hard or something?" Lida replied in a deceptively light tone.

"...Thought you might want a break."

"You thought wrong."

Tala's ass-kicking outfit ended up being an oversized hoodie picturing dozens of open-mouthed anime girls and a pair of sweatpants with the words _Safe Space_ on the butt. She'd also grabbed a ring of plastic horseshoes, although Tex had no idea what they were for.

"Here you go, Lida." Tala said as she leaned forward to hand Lida her phone. "I pulled up the address on Google Maps."

"Thank you." Lida replied.

With Barton, Junji, and Tala in the back and Tex in the front, Lida put her car in drive and rolled onto the road.

"Fuck the police!" a white man yelled as he ran across the street in front of their car.

"Great start." Barton grunted while Lida slammed on the brakes.

The jay runner ended up not being the only obstacle before the freeway ramp. At a cross street about thirty feet in front of them, a red car drifted a good five feet after the stop sign. Tex looked at Lida to see that one hundred percent of her focus had turned to the red car.

The car came to a complete stop. Lida's body relaxed, but she was still forced to drive slightly into the left turn lane to avoid a collision.

_'Asshole._' Tex thought as they passed the car.

There were three lights before the freeway. Each one was green, but traffic was so backed up that no one moved.

They settled near the back of the line with an empty space on both sides. Tex groaned to himself at the sound of steadily advancing bass, and then again when a white sports car with the windows rolled down snuck up to their left.

_"I’m in the hills, bitch, my song just did a hunnid' mil._" the car's radio oozed alongside a cookie-cutter beat. _"They tellin’ me to stop flexing but I’m stuntin' still._"

The windows in Lida's car were up, but the muffled bass seeping from the white car was so powerful that Tex could feel his sperm count drop.

_"I ran it up, all of the sudden bitches wanna chill. Ayy, you done crawled out your little cave._"

Barton rolled down her window. The volume of the music only increased, but it did nothing to stop her.

["It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go." Barton scream-sung. "It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know!"](https://www.owoot.net/new-page-1)

"Yo, what the fuck?" the driver shouted.

_"Goodbye Piccadilly, Farewell Leicester Square!"_ Tex sang with Barton. _"It's a long long way to Tipperary, but my heart's right_\--"

Unfortunately, their shenanigans were cut short when a car behind them honked. Tex considered sticking his head out the window to shoot them a dirty look, but traffic started to move again.

The next light was even trickier. Out of the four lanes leading up to the freeway entrance, two of them were blocked off by construction workers hacking away at the pavement.

"Woah." said Lida. "What's going on here?"

"I dunno." Tex replied. "But it's been going on for a while."

"When's it supposed to be finished?"

"November of 2019."

"...Think I'm gonna go around."

Lida took the first available right and ended up in a residential area. When they came to the end of the block, she was forced to make a left to drive up the next street.

Tex's eyebrow twitched out of empathy when he saw that two walls of parked cars had left it a double blind turn. Lida was forced to drift about five feet past the stop sign so she could see. She immediately put the car in reverse and scooted back when another car zoomed by, but the other car still had to drive slightly into the left turn lane.

_"Asshole._" the man in the car shouted in a muffled voice.

Lida was forced to repeat the process of moving forward and back several times. Tex could feel the stress pouring from her as she conducted the gear stick.

She finally found an opening, although it was small enough that she had to slam on the gas.

Lida breathed out a sigh of relief as they rolled up to the last light before the freeway. Tex almost congratulated her, but stopped himself out of fear.

"Should I take Portland or--ah, fuck off." Lida managed as they rolled onto the freeway, momentarily slamming on the brakes when another car cut her off.

"Take ninety-nine." Tala replied.

"Thanks."

Things started to move faster when they got off the ramp, although not by much. The Portland exit was always clogged enough to back-up the entire bridge.

Lida scoffed when a blue sports car with darkened windows began to creep up on her bumper, and again when it flashed its lights after she refused to speed up.

Junji rolled his window down and stuck out his head.

"We are driving at the same speed as the car in front of us, and the car in front of them." Junji yelled politely. "Even if we were to go faster, we would only be decreasing the amount of distance between the two of us until we were forced to slow--"

The car interrupted Junji with a loud honk.

Lida switched lanes so she could get onto the exit ramp, and swore loudly when she unintentionally cut another driver off who she hadn't been able to see with the tailgater hogging her mirrors.

_"Fuck off."_ the second driver mouthed.

Exit ninety-nine wrapped around a two hundred and seventy degree turn. Another car started to tailgate them, but Lida just ignored them.

Tex turned his head towards the window as downtown came into view. There was only one more exit to take, and Lida managed it with ease.

They rolled up to another red light immediately upon leaving the ramp.

"Welcome to downtown Seattle." Barton said as a homeless man on a bike pedaled up the street between the two rows of cars waiting for the light to change.

The light turned green. Thirty seconds later, traffic began to inch forward. Lida was careful as she made her left turn, but another cyclist zoomed into the street.

Lida was just a foot away from smashing into him and ruining both their lives when she slammed on the brakes.

"Did you know car accidents are tied for the eighth most common cause of death?" Tala asked.

"What's it tied with?" Tex wondered.

"Febreze."

They came to a six way stop. Four cars were already present, and a fifth to the left of them rolled up to the stop at the same time.

"Jackass." Lida muttered when the car to their left decided to go ahead of her.

Tex could see that Google was telling them to go straight, but in a thrilling twist of fate, the street coming towards them was blocked off. Tex looked at a sign hanging over the light to see the cross street was a one way.

Immediately, another car rolled up behind them.

"Which way am I supposed to go here?" asked Lida.

The car behind them honked.

"It's a one way." Barton answered.

The car behind them honked twice in rapid succession, first short (.) and then long (-).

"It just says one way." Lida replied. "It don't say which way."

"Think it's one way left before five." Tex offered. "Otherwise it's a one way right."

"-.-- --- ..- --- ... - . -. - .- - .. --- ..- ... -.-. .... .. .-.. -.. --- ..-. .- .-- .... --- .-. ." the car behind them honked.

"What time is it?" Lida wondered.

"It's two minutes after five." answered Tala.

There was no traffic coming in either direction to set an example. When the car behind them turned on its high beams, Lida shielded her eyes with her hand.

"Guess I'll take a right." she muttered as she turned the car.

Although the street had appeared empty before they'd turned, Tex was quickly confronted with the sight of another car hurtling towards them in the opposite direction.

Time slowed down for Tex as the other car continued to advance. It was only because of the adrenaline rushing into his system that he was able to see the face of the other woman, as well as her dyed blue hair. He could even make out the buttons at the top of her rainbow suspenders, which read 'they/them', 'eat the rich', 'got privilege?', and 'out of the closet, into the street'.

Lida pulled into the bus lane. The woman in the car rolled down her window and opened her mouth as she passed by.

_"Watch where you're going, f*ggot!"_ she yelled at Lida.

Tex choked on a mouthful of his own spit while Lida turned the car around. Thankfully, Google updated before she'd gotten to the next intersection.

"The next street's kinda hard." Tex said to Lida.

Tex was shot another side scowl.

The next street was also a six way stop. Tex wasn't sure whose idea it had been to make streets at miscellaneous angles, but he knew he didn't like them.

"Jeez, how many of these can y'all fit into one city?" asked Lida.

"Seattle is three cities in a trench coat trying to sneak into an R rated movie." Tala answered.

"Ah, shoot, I can't remember the order we got here in."

"I think you're next."

Lida inched forwards with little certainty. She'd gotten about halfway across the street when the car to her right flashed its lights.

_"Jackass._" the person in the car mouthed.

"Oh, I wasn't supposed to go..." Lida trailed off.

"You're never going to see them again. It's fine." Tala replied.

Google informed them that they'd arrived at their destination, but Lida wasn't able to pull over for another half mile. Even though he hadn't been the one driving, Tex's mood and opinion of his fellow man had both managed to drop by the time Lida'd found a spot to parallel park.

"What do you think?" Barton asked Lida as they took off.

"It's--alright." she replied.

Downtown Seattle was just like uptown Seattle, except with less racial segregation and zero public bathrooms instead of one. Tex inhaled the smell of urine and grey market opium deals while Lida shot a second glance at the multi-plexus of tents housing dozens of homeless people under a nearby bridge.

"People downtown are a lot friendlier than uptown." said Barton. "See, this guy's coming over to us."

Tex turned his attention in the direction Barton was looking to see a man in an overcoat rapidly advancing towards them.

It at first could have been written off as the man walking to a destination that happened to be behind them, but he slowed down upon getting within ten feet of Tala.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

The man replied by opening his coat, exposing a penis that was pointed at the heavens.

"Ahh!" Lida yelped.

"Twenty points!" Tala shouted as she tossed one of her plastic horseshoes at the man's penis.

It missed.

The man pulled his coat back together and bolted across the street. Tex tried to keep track of him, but he quickly blended in with the dozens of other people on the sidewalk.

"You alright?" Tex muttered to Lida.

"I'm fi--_oh, lord._" she replied.

"What?"

Lida pointed her finger in the direction of a bus stop in their immediate path. Tex followed her finger to see a man equipped with the attire of a mountain troll and a sign that read _ALIENS ARE HELPING THE GOVERNMENT STEAL OUR CHILDREN._

"Uh-oh." said Tex.

"Don't make eye contact." Barton instructed as Lida made eye contact.

The man noticed them staring and began to stumble over to them with a smile.

"Yo!" the man greeted.

"Hello." Tala replied.

"Listen here, guys. You ever seen a spaceship?"

Lida took a backwards step away from the man. Tex would have liked to do the same, but the man put one hand on his shoulder and the other on Barton's.

"I've seen a real spaceships on the corner of King street, down at the--street at the waterfront." the man said as he squeezed the two of them. "No jokes."

"That's it." Barton said as she lifted his arm off herself. "A life outside of prison isn't worth not getting to kill this one, specific man."

Junji scoffed a scoff of deep disapproval.

"Why must you be so violent?" he asked.

"They took a little baby from its mother and--the men in black suits was there," the man continued to Tex, "and they take the kids up and drug them, then they use them as agents of the government with the aliens."

"Oh, come on." Barton said to Junji. "This guy's fucking nuts."

"How is he remotely nut-like?" Junji replied.

Barton and Junji launched into an argument while the man continued to hold Tex close. Tala snapped a picture with her phone.

"You can listen to me." the man continued. "I'm Tupac."

"Whoa, man, it's an honor." Tala said with wide eyes.

"The media said I was dead. It was a lie."

"Is this always what y'all do?" Lida whispered to Tex.

"Kinda, yeah." he answered.

Lida stopped talking and shifted her expression to neutral. After being presented with the choice of either listening to Barton and Junji's discussion or to Tupac ramble to himself, Tex just barely chose Barton and Junji.

"...irrational to try and warn people of an alien invasion after witnessing evidence with your own eyes." Junji finished.

"Because there wasn't really a spaceship, dumbass." Barton replied.

"Oh, so bees are irrational for seeing colors we can't?"

"Colors are real. This guy's alien isn't."

"I'm not saying he saw an alien. He either has schizophrenia, or the CIA abducted him for research purposes, or his ideologies place too much value on the merit of psychedelic drugs. He's experienced something that he had every right to interpret as alien--"

"Junji." Tala interrupted. "Are you saying the government abducts people and experiments on them?"

"Yes, all the--"

Junji cut himself off with wide eyes of realization.

"No." he stated blankly. "The CIA exists for our protection and our protection alone. Project MKUltra was a myth."

"...What the hell?" Tex muttered.

Junji replied with a high pitched tone and an illegal scurry across the street.

"Guess I win the argument, then." Barton said loudly.

"No you didn't!" Junji shouted from the other side of the street.

Tex was just close enough to see Junji pull a sheet of paper from his pocket and hold it against the flat surface of the wall.

"Oh, god, he's making a chart." Barton muttered as Junji pulled out a pen and a colored pencil.

Lida didn't look any less confused, but at the very least, she seemed to be enjoying the activity more than everything else she'd done in the city.

"You kinda look like a government agent." Tupac said as he pinched one of Tex's cheeks.

"...Thanks." Tex replied.

"But you wouldn't do that. You the kinda guy who keep it real, I can tell."

"Alright."

The man broke into a fit of raspy laughter and bent over, putting more weight on Tex's shoulder.

"I can't get enough of this dude!" he shouted to a car waiting for the light, pointed at Tex.

_"Get a job, cuckhead!"_ the woman in the car replied.

The man gave Tex's shoulder another little pat.

"You know what? Real talk." the man continued. "You guys are some of my best friends."

"Oh..." Tex replied, unprepared to deal with the responsibility of a stranger's emotional investment in him.

"Should we--uh, should we pick Sean up?" Lida stammered.

Before anyone could respond to Lida, Junji came running back across the street.

"I've made a chart." Junji managed when he caught up to them. "Defending the sensibility of this man. Please look at it."

"The aliens have never taken me for a ride before, but I think they're onto me." Tupac continued.

"Look at my chart."

Tex looked at Junji's chart.

"In the end, can you not say you would've done the same?" Junji asked the sky.

"Is that about me?" Tupac wondered.

Junji handed the chart to Tupac. Tupac examined it for a moment before folding it into a paper hat.

Tupac gave Junji the hat.

Junji wrote _not a garbage human being_ on the hat and placed it on Tupac's head.

"This man has received endless ridicule but continues to dedicate his life to warning us of abduction." Junji said fondly.

"And he's doing a great job." Barton replied.

With a frown, Junji touched his chin. He turned to Tupac with a sullen expression.

"It is true that your efforts are in vain." said Junji. "Perhaps you should try a different approach of advocating your cause."

"Did you got any suggestions?" Tupac replied.

"You could befriend people and expose them more slowly to your ideologies. Or you could always make propaganda. For example, I've written several erotic novellas in defense of imperialism."

Tupac took off his hat and looked down. Tex could see in his eyes that Junji's words had touched him.

"You know? You've really opened my eyes here." Tupac managed. "If I--if I wanna help people, I'll do it. I'll start giving it my all."

After giving them one more look of gratitude, Tupac turned on his heels and walked back onto the sidewalk with an air of self-revolution.

"He's not going to do it." Tala said as they took back off on the sidewalk.

Tex pulled up Google Maps on his phone to see they were coming up on the address Sean had given him. He kept his eyes peeled, just in case Sean had decided to wait outside.

"You doing alright?" Tex asked Lida.

"That was real strange." she replied.

"Junji and Barton can get kinda..."

Tex trailed off when he noticed that Sean was standing next to the wall of the building directly in front of them.

Specifically, Sean was standing so close to the wall that his nose was touching it. Tex couldn't make out much of his face, but he could see from the corner of Sean's mouth and his furled eyebrow that his expression was one of unadulterated rage.

"What the hell?" Tex managed.

"Oh, hey Tex!" Sean replied as he popped away from the wall with a bright smile.

Lida was more confused than ever, but to Tex's amazement, Sean behaved during introductions.

The walk back was less eventful than the way there. The only surprise came when they got back to the car, where Lida handed Tex the keys and climbed into the passenger seat.

She didn't look very happy with herself.

"Think it'd be a lot faster if everyone took the bus." Lida noted as they hit their first of many congested streets.

"...Yeah, it would." Tex replied.

"Man, That's a good idea." Sean said from his spot in Tala's lap. "You should do a presentation about it at the meeting."

"Presentation?" Lida wondered.

"Oh, you didn't tell her?"

It took Tex a moment to realize Sean's words were aimed at him.

"Sometimes we do little presentations at the fellowship meetings." Tex explained. "If there's an idea you wanna share, or a proposition."

Tex didn't need to look at Lida to see the consideration pass over her face.

"You know what?" she started slowly. "That sounds real nice."

"Would you like assistance?" Junji asked. "I've given a presentation before."

"Sure. Sounds swell."

"Here, you guys can use my laptop." Tala offered.

Since most of Tex's attention was on the road, he missed the chaos of Lida crawling into the backseat as Sean moved to the front.

While Lida and Junji got to work, Tex did his best to keep his road rage under control.

It wasn't easy. Thanks to the limits of front windshields, it was always so difficult to communicate with the people inside of other cars that Tex ended up thinking of them less as humans and more as interchangeable metal boxes. And he could tell the other cars thought of him the same way, considering the way they treated him.

"Are you two in Paint?" Tala asked Lida and Junji.

"...No." Lida replied.

There wasn't any parking close to their building, and Tex's own car was already in his work space, so he was forced to pull over in a thirty minute zone.

"Hey Lida, would you mind dropping us all off at my place after this?" Barton announced. "Except for Sean. Don't bring Sean."

"Don't bring me." said Sean.

"Why are we going to your place?" Tex wondered.

"I'm not sleeping on your floor."

Tex 'ooh-ed' to himself when he remembered they were sticking together.

"Uh, guess I don't mind." Lida said to Barton.

"Thanks." Barton replied. "I'll pay you back by staying in the car and moving it a foot forward every twenty-nine minutes."

"Alright."

Barton was snoring by the time they'd left the car.

"It'll prolly be fine." Tex shrugged as he led them into the building.

Lida was still carrying Tala's laptop as they walked down the hall, and she scooted up close to Tex when they neared the door of Bianca's office.

"You told everybody I was coming, right?" Lida whispered to Tex as they walked through the door.

"Oh, good, Lida's here." Luke said immediately, prompting everyone to halt their personal conversations.

Tex cleared his throat.

"Lida _is_ here." he stated. "And she wants to give a presentation, if y'all don't mind."

Luke and Caverly both seemed put off, but Tex supposed it was understandable. Although on the other side of things, he was surprised Bianca didn't look bothered at all.

"Oh, on what?" asked Bianca.

"Actually, I need a minute to get some stuff printed out." Lida replied. "That alright?"

"Sure. Tala can show you how to use the printer."

Tala didn't look particularly thrilled to be on printing duty, but she didn't make too much of a fuss about it.

The chatter in the room started up again. It took Tex a hot second to work up the courage to approach Caverly and Bianca's conversation, but he knew he had to stop avoiding Bianca eventually.

Caverly stepped to the left to let Tex into their circle once he'd made his way over.

"Hey, Tex." Bianca greeted.

"Hey." he replied. "What’re you two ladies talking about?"

Caverly and Bianca exchanged a look before turning back to Tex.

"A bunch of famous people just died. Like, really famous." answered Caverly.

"...Oh?" Tex pushed.

"Yeah. The queen, a bunch of producers, and the Wells."

"CNN and Fox are both saying it was a terrorist attack," Bianca added. "but it sorta seems like some pedo--"

"Oh, come on." Caverly scoffed. "Are you really buying into this now?"

"Yeah, actually. I asked my family about it and they said everybody in Mexico knows about it."

"Your family knows every Mexican?"

“They are every Mexican.”

Bianca and Caverly continued to talk, but Tex thought it best to sidestep away.

Tex made a break for the wine and cheese table. He was quickly intercepted by Luke, who pulled him into a conversation before Tex could lie and say he had to use the bathroom.

Five minutes later, Lida was still busy with Tala and Junji.

"...people think it'll be bad if corporations take over, but they're crazy." Luke explained for the umpteenth time. "Like the roads. Corporations need to get their trucks from place to place, so they'll make sure the highways stay paved and we'll always have paved roads."

"Mm-hmm." Tex replied through a closed mouth.

"We're ready!" Lida called from the printer.

Caverly looked over at Lida with confusion.

"Who's we?" she asked.

"Junji's helping me out." answered Lida.

Everyone stepped out of the way so that Lida and Junji could take the stage. Lida had two pieces of paper in her hand, although she kept them both out of view.

"What's your presentation on?" Bianca wondered.

"Traffic." Lida replied. "Mind if I just jump into things?"

"Go ahead."

"Thanks. So I don't know about all y'all. But--"

"Woo!" Sean shouted as he clapped his hands above his head.

"Thank you. Point is, I ain't never seen traffic this bad in my life. And I don't guess it would be that controversial of a statement to say we need to do something."

"That's true." Luke nodded. "Last week, the freeway was backed up so bad I had time to change my tire while a guy in an ambulance died next to me."

"And you can see why, cause a car's so big. Here's my proposal."

Lida pinned her first picture to the white board.

"If we say there's an average of one and a half people in each of these cars, that adds up to just thirty people." she continued. "Yes, Tala?"

"That drawing is really good." Tala replied.

"Thank you."

Lida pinned the other picture to the whiteboard.

"Here's another way to transport thirty people." she followed.

"Wait, so what's the idea?" asked Bianca.

"The idea's real simple. If we all start taking the bus, we'll all get everywhere faster."

Everyone shifted their weight uncomfortably.

"What?" Lida wondered. "Something wrong?"

"I can't really afford to take the bus everyday." Caverly replied. "Time wise, I mean."

"Yeah, it's a good idea, but the bus doesn't go close enough to where I work." Bianca added.

Lida poked her tongue against the inside of her cheek.

"But if we did this, we'd be funding the metro system." she explained. "They could set up more routes."

"Eventually that would happen, but we'd have to get way more people doing it than just us." Luke replied.

"We could have a bigger meeting."

"Not that much bigger."

Lida scoffed.

"Hell with that." said Lida. "Tex, you remember when the city council snuck a photo toll into town?"

"Yeah, I think so." Tex answered.

"It was the year after we started running weed down to Austin, and--"

"Not relevant."

"--we all got together and made these little shades we could pull down over our front license plates when we passed through the toll."

Tex twisted his mouth to the side as he thought of better times.

"It worked when we did it then." Lida finished. "Why can't we all do this?"

"Cause we only had twelve hundred people in our town." Tex replied.

"How many people live here?"

"A million."

Lida's mouth dropped open into an 'o' shape.

On one hand, Tex knew she shouldn't be surprised, considering she'd been downtown. But on the other, Tex had reacted the same way when he'd been told the exact number.

"How do things change?" Lida asked.

"They get worse." answered Luke.

"...Is that sustainable?"

"Sometimes the city council does stuff."

"What does it do?"

"I don't know."

After turning over her shoulder to give a last look at the schematics she'd put up, Lida let out a sigh of defeat.

"Welp." she said. "Guess it's Junji's turn."

Everyone's attention turned to Junji as Lida left the stage.

It was only at that moment that Tex noticed the bags under Junji's eyes. When he thought back on it, he couldn't remember Junji sleeping much the two nights before.

"Junji, what did you do?" Tala asked.

"Oh, I had a separate idea." he explained. "And by separate, I mean I took Lida's idea and restructured it in the form of a government regulation."

Junji's idea was met by a chorus of boos. Still, he pulled his wallet out of his pocket and opened his mouth to continue.

"I've long since gathered incriminating photos of all the city council members." Junji followed happily. "Using this, we can extort them into creating heavy fines for driving distances shorter than twenty miles."

"Why do I feel like there's a step two?" Bianca mumbled.

"There is a step two. After the success of step one, we can use the money we've made through fines to take over the federal transportation center and enlist the same regulations across the country in a web-like fashion."

Junji placed another two diagrams on the board, the first one that he'd labeled 'bad' and the second that he'd labeled 'good'.

"Junji, how can you support using federal power over supporting state's rights?" asked Caverly.

"It's very simple." Junji answered. "The common man makes bad choices. Bad choices lead to bad things. So by restricting the amount of choices the common man can make, more good things will surely come."

Tex touched his forehead with two fingers.

"Commie!" Caverly shouted.

"Maoist!" Luke yelled.

"Pinko!"

"Fascist!"

"Tankie!"

"Federalist!"

"Bolshevik!"

"Com•mu•nist (kŏm′yə-nĭz″t)► 1) noun A person who advocates a theoretical economic system characterized by the collective ownership of property and by the organization of labor for the common advantage of all members 2) noun A system of government in which the state plans and controls the economy and a single, often authoritarian party holds power, claiming to make progress toward a higher social order in which all goods are equally shared by the people!" said Sean.

"Eh, at least he's open about it." Bianca shrugged.

Needless to say, Junji's idea wasn't a hit with the kids. But things still managed to return to normal after about ten minutes, for which Tex was grateful.

The rest of the meeting went like any other. There was a brief discussion of finances, and then they all broke apart again to talk and eat cheese.

Tex was just about to make sure Barton was still in the car when he was approached by both Luke and Caverly. 

"Howdy." Tex greeted.

"Hi." Caverly replied.

"...Something up?"

"We were just wondering how, uh--"

Caverly jabbed her thumb in Lida's direction.

"--that happened." she finished.

Tex closed his eyes and rubbed the spot between his eyebrows.

"Don't worry about it." he replied. "I'm doing alright."

"You sure?" Luke wondered.

"Yeah."

"Just saying. Sometimes people are just too much alike to date."

Tex did his best not to stare as Luke and Caverly left. As put off as he was by their reasoning, he felt a strange compulsion to prove them wrong.

He found Lida by the cheese.

"Hey." she said once she'd finished chewing.

"Hi." Tex replied. "Wanted to say that I liked your idea."

Lida looked up from her plate of cheese. One of her eyebrows was lifted, but other than that, there was no intensity in her expression. 

"Thank you." she stated.

"Did you know Junji was gonna do all that?" asked Tex.

"Didn't know how far he was gonna go. But it was pretty funny."

"Junji’s a wack-job."

"Eh, he ain't that weird for a mafioso."

"Really."

"Yeah. You'd know that if you ran a bigger business."

Tex felt his eyebrow shoot up.

"And what business would that be?" he asked. "Racketeering or embezzling?"

Lida's tongue tapped against her upper teeth as she turned to face him.

"Like you never stole a damn thing in your life." she said.

"Oh, tell me. Do your girls call you daddy?" 

"Not just the girls."

Tex did his best not to bite through his cheek as he stared Lida down. Her eyes were as communicative as ever, although not a word was passed between the two of them.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

Tex nearly jumped to see that Junji had gotten right next to him. After sucking in a slow breath, Tex opened his mouth to respond. 

"Howdy." Tex replied.

"Will we be leaving soon?" asked Junji.

"Leaving?"

"We're going to Barton's."

Lida bit her bottom lip with a look of consideration.

"Sure." she said. "I promised I'd drive."

Tex ran up and down to his apartment to grab some spare clothes and a toothbrush before they left. He would've thought the chore would calm him down, but it did little to.

When he returned, he found Tala, Junji, and Lida in a little group by the door.

"We ready?" Lida wondered.

"Yup." Tex replied.

"Did you find any sense up there?"

"Must've left it at your place."

Tala's eyes darted back and forth between the two of them.

"I think I'll just take the bus." she said as she bolted out the door.

Barton was still in the car when they returned to it. Lida was happy she hadn't gotten a ticket, although she scowled to see that her Anteteracy bumper sticker had been keyed off.

"Let's make this quick." she muttered as she unlocked the doors.

Traffic was better than it had been at rush hour, especially when they got to the freeway. Still, they couldn't go more than twenty until they passed by the downtown exits.

"You remember the exit number?" asked Tex.

"Yeah, I remember the exit number." Lida snapped.

Tex bit the inside of his cheek. He couldn't understand why she took everything as an insult, which did its job to piss him off. 

"Ain't you a firecracker." he replied.

Lida grit her teeth as a four by four Range Rover rolled up behind her, close enough to light up all three of her mirrors.

"You know," Lida started, keeping the speed of the car steady, "firecracker was my nickname when I was a pin-up girl."

"You were a pin-up girl?" Barton wondered.

"Yeah. Tex was real happy about it."

"Oh, please tell us more."

"Look up Trucker Babes of '62. I'm November." 

As Barton pulled out her phone, the Range Rover behind them switched on its high beams. 

Lida kept her speed consistent. There were several other open lanes, but the Rover stayed put.

"That's a pretty good picture." Barton said as she squinted hard. "Here, Junji, you wanna see?"

Tex just barely bit his tongue in time to keep from snapping at Junji not to look. He knew it was just what Lida wanted, and that Junji didn't deserve it.

The Range Rover behind them began to let out a single, continuous honk.

"That is a nice photo." Junji said, raising his voice to be heard over the horn. "I've never thought to use flowers as undergarments before."

"Thank you." Lida replied as she slowed down slightly to adjust to the traffic in front of her.

"You sure like showing off, don't you." Tex snapped.

"And you sure like it when you're the only one in the ro--"

Lida was cut off by the sound of a crash and the sensation of being jolted forward. 

It took Tex a moment to realize they'd been rear ended. When he turned his head to look through the now cracked back window, he caught sight of an overweight man in a wife beater with alarm behind his eyes.

The Range Rover drifted into the right lane without signalling and began to accelerate. Tex didn't think he'd be pulling over.

"...What are you doing?" Tex asked as Lida signaled to the right.

"What'd you think?" she replied.

Lida began to rapidly increase in speed after getting over to the rightmost lane. When the Range Rover took the closest exit, she followed right behind.

Tex dug his hand into his thigh.

"This seems unwise." said Junji.

The exit ramp led them to a winding main road with a giant conservation park on one side and a cemetery on the other. Tex had driven by it a few times, and he knew they wouldn't get to any living spaces or businesses unless they drove down another few miles.

Besides the man in the Range Rover that was now going a good twenty over the speed limit, there wasn't another person in sight.

Tex turned around when Junji began to tug on his sleeve.

"Dallas." Junji muttered. "However erotic this is has been overshadowed with fear for my life."

Junji seemed far from panicking, although Tex had never seen him so frantic.

"Lida, don't do this." Tex begged.

Lida refused to slow down, although she did hit cruise control.

"What if he reads your license plate?" followed Tex.

Lida smiled dirty and hit a button on her dashboard. Although Tex couldn't see it happen, a familiar whirring noise told him she'd just dropped a sheet over her front license plate.

"Driving is the most dangerous thing we do," Junji continued, "which makes it our moral responsibility--"

"I'm doing my moral responsibility right now." Lida cut in as she rolled down her window and pulled a revolver from the center console.

All the color rushed out of Tex's face.

"What are you--" he managed. "Hell are you--"

"Steady the wheel." Lida ordered.

"I ain't doing nothing till you calm down."

"Fine, then I'll steer and shoot."

Tex yelped and grabbed the wheel. Lida undid her seat belt and stuck her whole upper body out the window.

"Barton, please help." Junji begged.

"Nah." Barton replied as she reclined the back of her seat. "This part of life sucks, I'm just gonna sleep through it."

Tex could see the dedication in Lida's eyes as she held the pistol steady and waited for the left rear tire to pass under her sight. In three ear-splitting bangs, she managed to take out the sidewalls of the tire. Tex did his best to maneuver the car around the chunk of rubber that bounced into the street.

The Range Rover slowed down to a third of its original speed as the back left of it began to sag, and then a forth.

The driver pulled over.

Lida was fuming as she parked twenty feet behind the Rover. Tex's heart began to pound even harder when Lida threw open her door and stomped onto the curb.

"Lida, no!" Tex yelped as Lida ran up to the Rover. "You hurt him and it's over."

"Save it, Tex." Lida replied. "I got balls to bust."

"Please!"

Tex's reservations did nothing to stop her. He unhooked his seat belt and shook Barton awake, but she didn't seem keen on leaving the car after she saw what was going on.

"Stay in here." she instructed. "It'll be better for all our asses if he only sees one of us."

Tex groaned but didn't argue.

Lida knocked on the driver's side window of the Rover. The driver was yelling nonsense as he opened his door. Tex couldn't see much of his face, but the red color was as clear as day. 

The driver took a stand upon exiting his car and started to advance towards Lida, and Tex wondered if he would try to take a swing at her.

Lida grabbed the back of his neck with one hand and his right shoulder with the other. He did his best to pull away, but she'd already half-crouched underneath him. She then swept her weight forward, moving her hands to the backs of his legs before pushing and pulling them both to the ground.

They landed about a foot away from the rear bumper. Lida threw her fist at the man's face the moment she'd gotten on top.

"Welp." Barton said as she lit a cigar.

"Don't enjoy this." Tex scolded with a jab of his finger.

"We're here. We might as well."

Barton had a point. As worried as he was about the consequences, there was a certain catharsis to be gleaned from watching Lida work.

He just hoped Lida didn't kill him.

Blood poured from the man's nose, and he didn't seem to be struggling anymore. Lida got back to her feet, although Tex got the feeling it wasn't over.

His suspicion was confirmed when Lida pulled a long and thin fixed-blade knife from her boot.

She was tapping her fingers against the hilt as she walked up to the man. Tex watched with a pounding heart as she kneeled over, put a hand on the man's knee, and slashed her blade in a clean line through the strings of the Range Rover's truck nuts.

She tossed them neatly onto his crotch.

The man was still on the ground when Lida made her way back to her car. Tex couldn't stop staring at her as she pulled the driver's side door open and climbed inside.

No one said a word.

"If y'all would excuse me." Lida said with her eyes straight forward. "I'd like a moment alone with my ex husband."

"Can do." Barton happily replied.

Barton and Junji left the car after Lida unlocked the doors. They both wandered off into the conservatory, close by but out of sight.

Tex marinated in the silence that passed over them. He felt like he should speak first, although he couldn't bring himself to until Lida locked the car back up with a click.

"How could you do this?" Tex asked.

Lida turned her head towards Tex with a look nothing short of amazement.

"How could I do this?" she replied. "How can you live here?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, how can you live in this hell hole? I've been here twice and I can already feel myself starting to hate the very idea of a--human."

Tex squeezed his eyes shut.

"Cause I have to." he answered.

"For the love of god, will you please tell me why?"

"Tala and Barton won't move." 

"So quit. Come live with me."

Tex felt his mouth open with a tiny pop.

"I'd do anything for this business." he explained. "Nobody else wants to do my job."

"You really gonna let life walk all over you for some robots?"

"I need to do this. I can't sleep if I don't do this."

Lida didn't reply. As Tex examined her face, he realized for the first time how much older they'd both gotten.

Although they were still fighting about the same things.

"Guess I'm gonna have to leave town." said Lida.

"Yeah."

"And I don't think I can come back."

Tex knew she was right. It was a poor enough part of town that gunshots weren't unheard of, but he doubted the man in the Range Rover would forget her face.

"I really want us to work." Lida followed.

"It don't always feel that way."

"I don't know why we can't stop fighting."

"...Maybe it'd be better if I came down there."

"Let's hope so."

It took Lida a while to respond. Multiple times, Tex caught her glancing at the man in the street.

"Cops could show up any minute." she said.

"Yeah."

"Otherwise, I'd give you a ride."

Tex wasn't sure why his heart dropped as much as it did when Lida unlocked the doors. He had the money to come down to Arkansas every once in a while, but he still felt like he'd lost.

"I'm sorry, Tex." Lida followed as Tex stepped out. "I'll--I'll call you."

Tex had gotten so good at swallowing the lump in his throat that he didn't notice when he did. After shoving his hands in his front pockets, he took off in the direction Junji and Barton had gone.

He found them on the sidewalk, about twenty feet down the hill. He didn't watch as Lida's car zoomed past them.

"Classic Lida." said Barton.

Tex gave Barton a look of amazement. He knew he should be furious with her, but he was too spent to manage it.

"Thanks. That's real helpful." he replied.

While Barton ordered a cab, Tex made a final call on Junji's burner phone to request an ambulance. He gave them the proper location, although he claimed he'd only stumbled upon the man without witnessing any of the incident.

"Should be there in fifteen minutes." said Barton. "We gotta head over now."

They took off down the street. Tex handed the burner phone back to Junji.

"Thanks for letting me use this." Tex muttered to Junji.

Junji looked more exhausted than Tex had ever seen him, although it didn't seem like he was in a bad mood.

"You're welcome." Junji replied as he carefully took the phone back and chucked it into the street.

It was at that moment that the guilt of what he'd done to Junji hit Tex in the shoulders like a ton of bricks. After Barton drifted a few feet in the lead, Tex motioned for Junji to lag behind with him.

"Hmm?" Junji hummed.

Tex had to bite down on his thumbnail for a moment before he felt ready to talk.

"I'm so sorry I got you involved in this." Tex replied.

"It's alright. I've gotten you involved in worse."

Tex twisted his mouth to the side. 

"Although I would like to say," followed Junji. "I've recently found myself understanding less of your decisions." 

"Huh. You didn't hear it from me, but you and me both."

"I hope someday you are granted understanding."

"Maybe there's nothing to understand. Maybe I'm just a loon." 

Junji's face twisted with disgust. Tex repressed his smile as a kernel of amusement burned within him at the sight.

"Have you learned nothing?" Junji asked.


	20. There's Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowkey upset that no one told me the link was broken

"...call him? He's never more than a few minutes late." Tex heard Tala say as he made his way down Barton's hall.

"He was up this morning." Barton replied. "I dunno wh--"

"Heyyyy." Tex greeted once he'd stumbled into Barton's living room.

Three pairs of eyes turned to Tex and stared, but he barely noticed.

"Dallas?" Barton asked.

"Uhuh." he replied.

"Did you get into my scotch?"

Tex hiccuped.

"Oh my god, he's day drunk." Tala muttered.

"No, this is good." said Barton. "This means he's gonna snap soon."

Tex wasn't sure what was being discussed, but he was content with that.

"Tex." Tala started. "We're meeting Ying at five thirty to go to Kōnyūgin, Japan." 

"Okay." Tex replied.

"Ying's going to fly us over and help, but we need to get ourselves back."

"Okay."

"So you're going to be ready tonight at five thirty?"

"Uhuh."

"You need to stop drinking today, or you're going to have a hangover tonight."

"Okay."

The meeting only went on for another five minutes, but Tex still managed to fall asleep.

He only woke up when Barton flicked him in the forehead.

"You better set an alarm if you're gonna nap." she said.

Tex put a hand on the back of his chair and stood up to see that he and Barton were the only ones left in the room. He turned to Barton with a look of consideration, and she met his gaze back with confusion.

"You know, I was thinking." Tex rambled. "Wouldn't it be weird if you hugged me?"

"Yes." Barton replied as she left the room.

Tex frowned and rubbed the space between his eyebrows as he exited the living room. To his surprise, he found Junji waiting for him in the hallway.

"Drink this." Junji said as he handed Tex a glass of water. 

Tex downed the glass in seconds, only spilling about a third of it on the floor.

"Thanks." Tex replied.

"You are welcome."

Junji began to walk away once he'd taken the glass back. Suddenly, Tex found himself encouraged to follow. 

Reaching forward, Tex put his hands on either side of Junji's waist.

"Whoa." Tex said as he squeezed. "You got a tiny--"

"No." Junji muttered with a little jump and a step away.

"Oh, what, now you don't want it?"

"Not when you're drunk."

Tex didn't follow when Junji started to leave again. Tex might have felt horribly, horribly guilty regarding his actions, had he not thankfully forgotten about the encounter just a moment later.

He passed out on Barton’s couch after setting an alarm for five fifteen.

Tex woke up an unclear amount of time later, painfully sober. He could tell his alarm hadn’t gone off yet, but he pulled his phone out to see how much time he had.

He jumped when he noticed Tala was sitting on the floor, her attention squarely on him.

“Were you watching me sleep?” asked Tex.

“Yes.” Tala replied. “Junji and I have been talking and I’ve decided to give you an intervention.” 

“...My relationship is fine.”

"No, I mean, you're too prudish. I can't watch you flog yourself anymore."

Out of all the conversations he'd had with Tala, Tex prepared himself for the stupidest one yet.

"What do you expect me to do about it?" Tex asked.

"I don't know." answered Tala. "You should--"

Tala cut herself off for a moment to stifle a laugh.

"You should read some internet articles." she finished.

"People are writing articles about this stuff?"

"Sure. I'll send you one."

Tex looked at his phone to see Tala had sent him a link. After giving it a click, he began to read.

**From Gamer Gril** **  
** [ article4Tex ](https://www.owoot.net/new-page-3)

Tex checked the time again. It wasn't Sunday, but he was pretty sure some churches still had mass on Wednesday mornings.

"Where are you going?" Tala asked when Tex left the couch.

"Don't worry about it." Tex muttered.

"Tex, I'm sorry. Please come back."

Tex rubbed his temples but stopped walking. After deciding that sleep was the only escape, he fell back onto the couch and willed himself to black out until five.

At least he was well rested when they met up with Ying.

The flight to Japan was a grueling eight hours. Tex spent the whole ride struggling to get the last word in his text fight with Lida during the limited pockets of cell phone reception.

By the time they landed in Kōnyūgin, it was about seven in the evening for the locals. 

"Uhg." Ying groaned. "Why didn't we just stay in Eurasia?"

"We had to pick up Sean." Barton replied.

"Who is Sean?"

"He's like a secret sixth food group." answered Tala.

"He's our--friend." Tex explained.

Ying opened her mouth again, but closed it when Barton began to speak.

"I booked our return flight." Barton said.

"When we gotta be there?" asked Tex.

"Ten."

"How we gonna do this? Should we catfish him again?"

"Already on top of it." Tala replied as she opened a new tab on her laptop. "He watches a lot of MILF porn, so I can probably send him an offer."

Tex looked over Tala's shoulder to see she'd put together a Single Swedish Moms Looking to Fuck pop-up ad. After copying and pasting something from Google Translate, Tala gave the pop-up a message and a chat box before sending it on their target's way.

She spent the next minute staring at her computer screen in silence.

"Well?" Tex asked when he couldn't take it anymore.

"He just clicked the 'x' in the corner." Tala explained. "I don't think he fell for it."

"Send a better one."

"He'd probably think it was suspicious now."

Tex turned to Tala with A Look.

"Okay, I'm sorry." said Tala. "I wasn't expecting this to have any negative ramifications."

"Yeah, I got that."

"I'll just keep watching his house on maps, and tell you if he leaves or goes to bed. You guys can go have fun."

Tex chewed on his lower lip in frustration. Ying had done so much for them, and he hated to disservice her more than he already had.

"You wanna go into town?" he asked her.

"Okay." Ying replied.

Tex turned on his phone and opened Google Maps. After zooming over to a nearby cluster of businesses, he handed the phone to Ying.

"Where you wanna go?" Tex pushed.

Ying's brow furrowed in silent concentration as she stared at his phone screen. Tex counted thirty seconds before the screen turned black in her hand. 

"We will go to the bookstore." she stated.

"Did you choose random?"

"Yes."

The bookstore was close by, but far enough that they had to walk to the train station after leaving the jet. 

The air was warmer than Tex was used to. Still, the few people Tex saw were dressed more conservatively than he'd expected.

Neither Ying or Barton seemed interested in talking on the way over, so Tex pulled out his phone.

**To Spoodge King** **  
** anything you wanna tell me about this place?

**From Spoodge King** **  
** What aspect?

**To Spoodge King** **  
** the people

**From Spoodge King** **  
** They're shorter.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** They have darker hair.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** They speak Japanese.

**To Spoodge King** **  
** i mean the culture

**From Spoodge King** **  
** There's nothing to say. I see little difference between them and anyone else.

**To Spoodge King** **  
** yeah, but you're nuts

**From Spoodge King** **  
** They're prudish and follow frivolous traditions. Just like everyone else. 

**To Spoodge King** **  
** you don't see any differences?

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Hmmm

**From Spoodge King** **  
** They are more communal. It's hard to explain.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Altruistic isn't the right word.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Maybe you'll understand when you see.

**To Spoodge King** **  
** do you like them better than Americans?

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Like I said, there's vastly more similarities than differences.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Americans are not quite so needlessly orthodox and unassertive.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Although I fail to understand the American people's tradition of stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to kiss their lovers.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Leaving their elderly to die in the streets.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Scraping the hair off their genitals so they can resemble giant razor-burned toddlers.

**From Spoodge King** **  
** Disgusting.

Tex put his phone back in his pocket with a chuckle as they entered the train station.

The inside of the station was a crowded and hurried mess of dark haired people. But thankfully, the process of buying their tickets and finding the corresponding train was nearly identical to how it would’ve been anywhere else in the world. Not that Tex was surprised, as the high-speed railway had originally started as a Japan exclusive. 

The only thing he failed to understand was why the train was bright pink.

"There's only eight million Japanese people." Barton said as they stepped through the open doors. "They were all in that train station."

"Christ." Tex replied. "Keep it--"

Tex cut himself off when twenty pairs of eyes snapped towards him.

They all belonged to women. It took Tex about five seconds to realize he was the only man on the train.

"Uh oh." Tex said as the doors closed behind him.

There were quite a few open seats. Tex took one next to Ying.

"Why are there women only trains?" he whispered to her.

"Attempted groping reduction." she answered.

To Tex’s relief, the ride took less than ten minutes. Tex kept his legs squeezed together the whole way over and refused to look at anyone.

Barton and Ying were closest to the doors and exited first. After getting out of his seat, Tex found himself walking up to the opening at the same time as a girl in her late teens.

Tex stepped aside, but the girl didn't budge.

"Oh, uh, after you." said Tex.

The girl managed to make eye contact with Tex for about a second before darting her eyes away.

"No." she replied.

Perhaps she didn't understand much English. Tex stepped back and swept his hand out in a gesture for her to exit the train before him.

The girl shook her head from side to side. Tex set his jaw in stone.

"Please." he continued as politely as he could manage. "I can't just--"

Tex was cut off when Barton stepped back onto the train just long enough to grab him by the collar and pull him out.

"Come on." Barton ordered.

"Why don't you just cut off my penis while you're at it?" Tex muttered.

Barton rolled her eyes and continued to drag him until they were out of the station.

The street didn't look any different than a shopping district in any smaller American city. Businesses were lined in neat rows, and locals filtered in and out of them. The most shocking thing Tex spotted was a bonfire, just burning off to the side of the main street like it was another shop.

"The book store is this way." said Ying, gesturing with her hand.

"Y'all go ahead." Tex replied. "I'll be there in a minute."

"Where are you going?"

"Just wanna check something out."

"Check what out?"

"...You sure ask a lotta questions."

Ying didn't reply.

"Alrighty." Tex muttered as he turned away.

The walk over to the fire went smoother than he was accustomed to. The locals seemed to transport themselves in manageable lines rather than slow moving clumps. 

It might have just been a faulty sample, but Tex thought he saw a disproportionately large amount of people who looked over the age of sixty.

Tex stepped out of the pedestrians' way and settled next to the bonfire. The flames were safely contained in a pit, but there was no physical barrier separating it from everyone walking by. Furthermore, Tex couldn't spot a single sign in any language warning people not to trespass.

"Are you lost?" a voice asked.

Tex looked in the direction of the voice to see a man about his age.

"No." Tex answered. "Was just looking."

"Admiring the fire?"

The man had a similar accent to Junji, although his pronunciation wasn't as clean.

"Yeah." Tex replied. "Kind of amazed, actually. Nobody ever just runs in, or tries to cook something?"

The man's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

"Why would someone ruin it for everyone else?" he asked.

"...Not sure. Forget I said anything."

The man hummed in response before he left. Tex knew it was time to make his way over to the bookstore, although he momentarily stopped at a street vendor to buy a chocolate bar with the help of Google translate and some Yen he'd made selling Barton's N word pass on eBay.

The vendor broke the chocolate into several pieces. He then wrapped each piece individually in plastic and placed them in a brightly colored paper box, which he handed to Tex.

Tex shoved the box in his pocket and entered the bookstore.

It was on the smaller side, and not densely populated. There were far more graphic novels for sale than old fashion books. The walls were lined with stuffed animals that were clearly mascots, but the only one Tex recognized was Totoro.

He set off towards a section at random, but was quickly distracted by an arrow leading to a sunken area with two doors, one red and one blue. Upon further inspection, he noticed the red door featured a painting of a woman while the blue had a man.

There was no text on the doors to indicate it was customers only. Tex made a cautious way over and gave the blue door a knock, but no one replied.

He twisted the knob to find it was unlocked. He shot the woman behind the front counter a look to make sure he wasn't doing something he wasn't supposed to, but she just looked bored.

Tex finished opening the door to reveal a single-occupant bathroom. Amazed, he stepped inside and locked the door behind him to see there was no credit card slot.

The toilet itself was nothing but a hole in the ground with a handle to flush. A sign sat on the wall above it, which featured a cartoon diagram that instructed Tex to urinate into the toilet rather than on the floor. 

He kind of felt like he was peeing off a bridge, but it did nothing to mask the novelty of urinating in public without spending money.

_ "Whoa. _ " Tex whispered as he finished washing his hands.

Tex dried his hands on his pants as he left the bathroom. He ran into Barton in the Horā section, which was stocked with several shelves of what were clearly graphic horror novels.

Barton was reading a hardback book titled  _ Uzumaki _ . Tex almost jumped to see the name 'Junji' on the front, but he realized it was of no relation after seeing it was preceded by the surname Ito.

"Is it good?" asked Tex.

Barton closed the book with a blank expression.

"I'll admit it." she said as she put it back on the shelf. "We shouldn't have bombed these people."

"Good talk."

Tex walked over two isles to the Shōnen section to find Ying. As he made his way over and got her attention, he saw she was sifting through a graphic novel.

The book seemed to be part of a series. Tex could see the spot on the shelf she’d taken it out of, as it was the only empty space.

"Whacha lookin at?" he greeted.

Ying tilted the novel so Tex could see. Although he couldn't read Japanese, he could tell from the pictures it was about a scantily-clad schoolgirl who turned into a dragon as a veiled allegory for the destruction of community brought about by Japan's economic shift to crony capitalism. 

"This some kind of porno?" followed Tex.

"No, the porno section is over there." Ying replied.

Tex followed Ying's finger to see a line of shelves near the register.

The shelves were filled with rows and rows of magazines. They looked more like fashion magazines, so Tex felt compelled to walk over and see if Ying was telling the truth.

She was. The first magazine Tex picked up and began to sift through proved itself dirty enough to be compared to Hustler.

Tex put the magazine back on the shelf and took a step to the side with a wince. There was a small child in the aisle next to him, and nothing was preventing her from entering the section.

"Sumimasen." a new voice stated.

Tex looked over to see an employee carrying both an empty cardboard box and a full one. Tex stepped farther back from the porno magazines, but stayed close enough to watch as the employee started to toss all the magazines into the empty box.

Once the employee had finished, he pulled out several magazines from the second box and began to put them on the shelves. 

The new magazines were still clearly pornographic in nature, but the similarities stopped there. Instead of models, they showcased cartoon drawings of vaguely woman-shaped things; grotesquely big chested creatures with triangle-shaped tongues.

Tex returned to Ying with less color in his face than he'd had before.

"You wanna buy anything?" he asked.

"No." Ying replied. "Are we leaving?"

"I need a drink."

They left the store after dragging Barton away from the Cowboy Bebop manga section. Back out in the street, it didn't take long for Tex to spot a bar. 

"I feel like I should stop you." Barton said as they began their trek.

"I just need a shot." Tex replied. "It'll--"

"Excuse me." said a female voice.

Tex looked over his shoulder to see that a woman had followed them out of the store.

She was holding out a five-thousand Yen bill. Tex could remember putting the bill in his pocket, but he was at a loss for what was going on.

"Huh?" he asked.

"My apologies." the woman replied. "I believe you dropped this."

Tex had to open and close his eyes a few times before he was able to understand what was happening.

"Oh." he said as he took the bill. "Thank you."

"It is my pleasure. I'm glad I caught you so that I would not have to bring it to a lost and found."

The woman gave Tex a shallow bow and shot off before he could even consider giving her anything in return. Tex put the bill back in his pocket, a little shaken.

Getting his money back ended up being a good thing, considering the cover fee of the bar.

The inside of the bar was colorful and well lit. It might have passed for an American bar, had it not been so clean. Tex spotted a bartender serving customers behind a booth, several tables of red-faced businessmen, and another table off to the side where a lone man sat with a glass in his hand.

The lone man's expression was sullen. If Tex squinted, he could see the start of red and white tattoos peeking out under his sleeves.

"I need to urinate." Ying announced.

"That's nice." Barton replied as she plopped down at an empty table and opened an issue of Cowboy Bebop she'd apparently purchased.

Tex went straight for the booth. He seated himself on the only available stool, directly to the left of a businesswoman and the right of a businessman.

The man was in the middle of a phone call. In front of him were three untouched martinis.

"...arigatou gozaimasu...arigatou gozaimasu..." he said quietly into his phone. "Domo arigatou gozaimasu. Shitsurei shitsu reishimasu kachou."

The man put his phone in his blazer's front pocket after finishing his call.

"My apologies." he stated.

It took Tex a moment to realize the man was speaking to him.

"That's alright." said Tex. "It sounded important."

"Yes, it was." the man replied. "My boss is requesting me to work overtime tomorrow."

"Oof. That's rough."

"I try not to see it that way. My work is hard, but it is fulfilling. And I am lucky to have a great boss."

"Hey, I'm happy for you."

The man nodded and reached for his martinis. In three swift motions, he downed them all in sequence.

He whipped off his tie the moment he’d finished.

"I lied." the man slurred. "My boss is a bitch."

"...Alright."

"I think it's because she hasn't had sex since the 40's. Her pussy is filled with cobwebs."

Tex couldn't remember the last time he'd wanted a conversation to be over more. Thankfully, the man was nice enough to pass out cold.

Tex breathed a sigh of relief. Having nothing else to focus on, Tex’s attention turned to the businesswoman's conversation.

"...kakipi." she told the bartender. "Hitotsu."

The bartender grabbed a bowl of what looked like mixed nuts from the underbar and broke them up into several handfuls. He then wrapped each handful individually in plastic and placed them in a brightly colored paper box, which he handed to the woman.

"Arigato." the woman followed.

Tex watched out of the corner of his eye as the woman unwrapped her nuts and poured them out onto a plate.

What he wasn't expecting, however, was for her attention to fall on him.

"Hello." she greeted.

Tex turned his head to the right and gave her a quick once over.

She was wearing a lady's business suit, and her hair was tied up in a knot. She looked like she was about ten years younger than him.

"Hi." he replied. "Weren't--wasn't expecting so many people here to speak English."

"I only speak like an elementary student." she explained. "But maybe if I speak to you, my English will get better."

Tex let out a tiny 'huh'.

"Happy to help." he said.

"Thank you." she replied. “My name is Himura.”

“Good to meet you. I’m--Austin.”

"You are American?"

"I'm from the states."

"Are you a Christian?"

"I was baptized. I don't really go to church."

"You smell better than I was expecting."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

Himura didn't laugh, but she didn't seem put off either. Tex decided he should probably ask her something in return.

"You a salary woman?" Tex wondered. "You look like a salary woman."

"I'm a programmer. I help Nintendo eliminate glitches in their games."

"Glitches, huh? Those're when a program makes a mistake, right?" 

Himura shook her head no.

"A glitch is only a mistake in that the programmer didn't intend for or think the game would react in such a way." she explained. "But whenever a glitch happens, it's no mistake of the program. The program can only do what it's told to do."

Although Tex didn't know much else about coding, her explanation made sense.

"Huh." he replied. "Making me feel like an idiot."

Tex felt a note of pride when a smile broke across the Himura’s face.

"That was not my intention!" she said with a laugh.

"Don't worry about it. You get a lot of time off?"

"Did you want to see me again? I believe I have an opening next month."

Himura pulled a tiny notebook from her suit pocket.

"Ooh." Tex breathed. "Sorry, I ain't in town for long."

"What are you doing in Japan?"

"Nothing much. Just a conferen--"

_ "Himura-san!" _ a new voice called.  _ "Hayaku shiro!" _

"Chotto matte!" Himura yelled back.

Himura turned back to Tex with an apologetic expression.

"I must go." she stated. "My friends rented a karaoke box."

"Karaoke box?" Tex wondered.

Himura gestured to the wall at the far end of the bar. Tex followed her hand past the businessmen to see half a dozen glass doors, each leading to a tiny room that he couldn't see much of and could hear even less from.

"Oh." followed Tex. "You don't just do it on stage?"

Himura's eyes widened at the question.

"No!" she said with a laugh. "I'm not good enough to sing in public."

"Sure you'd be fine. Have a good one."

"You as well."

After giving Tex a nod, Himura left for the back of the bar to join her friends and get groped by the hoard of drunken Japanese businessmen.

It was at that moment that Tex remembered why he'd come to the bar in the first place. When the bartender came over to assist him, Tex said the name of a liquor and held up enough Yen for a spot.

The bartender grabbed the bottle off the shelf and divided a shot's worth of liquor into four separate tiny plastic packages. He then placed each package in a brightly colored paper box, which he handed to Tex.

"...Thought all y’all were supposed to be collectivists.” said Tex.

Tex looked over when he heard Barton clear her throat. Once he'd made eye contact, she waved him over.

"Howdy." Tex greeted as he walked up.

"How's it going?" Barton asked.

"Going al--"

"That's great. Has Tala given us an update yet?"

Tex sighed as he sat down at the table and began the process of opening his tiny packets of alcohol. He glanced over just in time to see Ying exit the bathroom, and she joined their table after getting groped by the hoard of drunken Japanese businessmen.

"Don't." Barton said before Tex could lift his butt even an inch off his seat. "Don't get me kicked out."

"Fine." Tex replied. "But we're on the same comm. I have as much information as you."

Barton responded by putting her hands behind her head and leaning back in her chair.

"Alrighty, then." she said. "Wake me up when something changes."

"Be my--dammit." Tex started, cutting himself off when a packet burst and spilled alcohol all over his fingers.

There weren't any napkins at the table. Tex's eyes darted towards the bathrooms.

"I'll be back in a minute." he said to Ying.

Repressing the urge to wipe his hands on his pants, Tex stood up from the table so he could walk back to the bathroom and get groped by the hoard of drunken Japanese businessmen.

"...What the hell?!" Tex yelped at the hand that landed on his leg.

"Haafu!" the man half-shouted. "Bokuno kaono ueni suwattekudashi?"

Tex took a backwards step away from the man but kept his eyes squarely in his direction.

"You got a lot of nerve, laughing at that." Tex said through his teeth. "You shouldn't be touching people like that, and you know it."

One by one, the businessmen fell into an amused silence. The man who'd grabbed at Tex took a stand before him, seemingly not intimidated that he was a good five inches shorter. 

The bartender shot a look in their direction.

"What are you going to do about it?" the man asked.

"Ain't gonna do anything besides tell you to work your shit out." Tex replied.

Out of all the reactions Tex was expecting, the smile completely dropping from the businessman's face in favor of a deep frown wasn't high on the list.

The man sat back down and put his head in his hands.

"Uh..." Tex trailed off.

"I don't mean-- _ hic _ \--disrespect." the man replied. "I get overpowered by instinct."

Having no intentions of seeing a grown man cry, Tex decided it would just barely be less uncomfortable to stay.

"I'm not sure how to help." he said after he'd softened his jaw.

"Me neither. I don't know how to stop it."

"Look, it ain't that complicated. Whenever you get too--riled up, you just gotta hate yourself for it."

"I do hate myself for it. Sometimes I feel like a freak, and I wonder if my family would still care for me if they knew about my wants."

"See, I can understand that. Which is why I can tell you that what keeps me in line when hating myself don't work, is to hate myself even more."

Not all of the businessmen looked like they understood what was going on. Tex wasn't sure if it was because their English was limited or they were too drunk.

The man looked at the table with an expression that resembled consideration.

"You think that will work?" he asked.

"Course. Works for--"

Tex cut himself off when someone tugged on his sleeve. He looked over to see that Ying had decided to join them.

"Please stop." she whispered to him.

"I'm doing fine." Tex muttered back.

"You are fueling a self-perpetuating system."

Tex touched his forehead. With a sigh, he took a seat in an empty chair next to the man.

"How bout this." said Tex. "Someday, you'll meet somebody for you."

"But I won't." the man replied.

"Why not?"

"I work too much. And even if I found an employed woman, we could never afford a family. What would be the point?"

Tex chewed on his lower lip while he considered the man's words.

"There a reason you can't work less?" Tex asked.

"I love my country. Japan is small, so I must work hard to ensure our spot at the table."

A glass clinked against wood, loud enough to cut off the conversation. Tex looked over two tables to see that the lone man with the red and white tattoos was looking in their direction.

"Fool." he said.

"Oh, a Yakuza is going to call me a fool?" the businessman replied.

"The last hundred generations of Japanese also believed in hard work. But they had time for families." 

Out of every local Tex had heard use English, the Yakuza spoke the clearest.

"What are you implying?" the businessman asked.

The Yakuza turned his head back towards his table and tapped his finger against the wood.

"There wasn't enough economic growth, so we tried to fix it by printing money and giving it to corporations with the promise that they'd pass it on to common people." he muttered. "But all it did was inflate the Yen and lower the value of common people's wealth. So then the economy got worse. But we just--printed more and gave it to more corporations. We never stopped."

The Yakuza paused for a moment to take a swig from his glass.

"That is your government, your precious authority." he finished as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "It stole the very value of your money from you and gave it to Toyota."

"Boo, Yakuza, boo." said one of the businessmen. "You are bad and do crimes."

The businessmen started to laugh again as they passed around a chorus of high-fives. It wasn't until that moment that Tex finally realized that Junji was right to say the Japanese were exactly like Americans.

The Yakuza let out a groan. There wasn't anything left in his glass, but he tried to sip it again anyway.

"You. American." he said after Tex had stood up. "Come here."

Tex gave the Yakuza an uncertain glance.

"Sit down." the Yakuza followed.

Tex took a seat.

"Are you a mercenary?" asked the Yakuza.

"No." Tex replied.

"You're a killer. I can tell that much."

"I dunno what to tell you."

"I'm looking for a traitor. Perhaps a man like you would know him."

Tex couldn't think of a response. The Yakuza sighed and ran his thumb over his eyebrow.

"But America is huge." he followed. "The chances of you coming across him are astronomically small."

"Yeah, and I ain't no snitch."

The Yakuza pursed his lips and continued to tap his fingernail against the wood.

"In case you ever change your mind." he stated. "His name's Tagawa."

"...Any description?" Tex asked, having already forgotten the name.

"He's a kettle and a wack-job. It is unlikely you would miss him."

"I’ll keep it in mind. You need anything else, or...?"

"No. Do what you will."

The Yakuza slid Tex a business card. Tex had zero intentions of ever using it, but he pocketed it to be polite. 

Tex returned to his own table to find that Barton was still asleep. Which was good, because Tex was in the mood for a private conversation.

'The guy went to bed.' Tala sent.

Tex pretended to scratch his ear as he tapped his comm.

"You sure it's the guy?" he muttered.

'Yeah, he's the only one there and I saw him use the computer.'

"Cameras taken care of?"

'Yeah, just get over here.’

Ying was sitting silently next to Barton with her hands folded across the table. She only looked up when she noticed Tex was staring at her.

"What?" Ying asked.

"Why'd you cut me off back there?" answered Tex.

"With the pervert?"

"Yeah. I was giving that guy some good advice."

Ying's face was still blank. Tex was at a loss for whatever emotion she was experiencing. 

"Repression has worked for you?" she wondered.

"I mean--that's one way to put it."

Tex reached for his shot before realizing he'd spilled it on his hands.

"Do you have any fetishes?" asked Ying.

"......Excuse me?"

"Do you have any fetishes?"

Tex stared.

"The fetishes you have." Ying continued. "Do they revolve around shame? Are you intrigued by acts that make you feel ashamed? That you associate with shame?"

"What are you getting at?"

"I was angry when I was developing sexually. Now I am intrigued by sadism."

Tex was unable to respond.

"What was the emotion you most heavily felt in reference to the first time you had sexual thoughts?" Ying pushed. "Was it shame?"

A flame of anger flared all too suddenly in Tex's chest, although he did his best to contain it. 

"This ain't the kind of thing I talk about with people." he replied. "I'm gonna ask you right now to respect that."

“That sounds like an unpleasant arrangement. But I will honor it."

It took them another train ride and a ten minute walk to get to the location Tala sent them. Tex spent every moment of the way over making sure Barton was between him and Ying.

The city shifted into a more residential area, which then shifted into longer, curvier roads with an almost countryside feel. Tex handed Ying a pair of gloves to put on as they walked up. It wasn't as late as Tex would have liked to strike, but it was dark and underpopulated.

They found Tala hiding behind a line of overgrown hedges that framed the same house they'd seen on Google Earth.

"We ready?" asked Barton.

After briefly considering if he should ask Ying if she was comfortable, Tex realized she'd probably voice it if she wasn't. 

"Let's do it." he replied.

Getting into the house went the way it always did. Ying watched in what looked like amusement as Tex used his pick to unlock the door from the inside.

"Where's his bedroom?" Barton wondered.

"Upstairs." Tala answered.

"Cool. How bout I kill him, while you guys work?"

"Guess that would save time." Tex replied as he handed Barton his gun.

Tex wasn't sure what he was expecting from the inside of the house, but it was what it was. The target's living room was a mess of pillows and clothes, all three bathrooms were filled to the brim with stray bugs and backed up faucets, his kitchen was coated in an uneven layer of broken dry ramen noodles, and his amiibo collection was in mint condition and completely dust free.

The computer wasn't hard to locate. After following several adapter cables under a door, they found it in an office space next to the kitchen.

"That is a large computer." Ying observed.

"Uhuh." Tala replied. "Are you ready to look inside?"

"Are we going to bypass security?"

"Yeah, but only in the most confusing way possible."

As she spoke, Tala pulled the adapter out of her bag and handed one of the two blue cords to Ying. 

"Stick this on your forehead." Tala explained. "It'll let you view the inside."

"How?" asked Ying.

"You'll see."

"It will not recreate my person inside the simulation, will it?"

"Computerverse."

"It won't." Tex answered. "You'll just be a--spectator."

Ying stuck the suction cup to her forehead. Tex did the same when Tala handed him the other blue cord.

The yellow velvet interior of the train car popped into view for Tex. Ying was already taking a look around, both at herself and her surroundings.

"You doing alright?" Tex asked her.

"Yes." she replied. "I like train cars. I'm pleased the spectator hub takes the form of a train car."

Before putting them in the big computer, Tala hooked them up to her laptop and had them open a tester file as a tutorial. Tex showed Ying how to turn the screen on by touching it at the same time as him.

"So this adapter is versatile enough to allow machines, such as us, to view other machines?" Ying asked as Tala moved the green cord from her laptop to their target's computer.

"Yeah." answered Tex.

"Does it work in the reverse?"

"...Huh?"

"For example. Could we look inside of Tala, if we hooked the blue to ourselves and the green to her?"

Tex chewed on the inside of his cheek. He'd never even considered it before, but he suddenly found himself embarrassed that he hadn't.

"Uh, we don't actually know." he replied.

"We'll think about it later." said Tala. "When we get out of the house."

Ying nodded and put her hand back on the train car window. A Japanese home screen appeared, and Tex opened task manager.

"Number one CPU burner by far is something called Gmod-Plus." he announced.

"Ooh." Tala said. "Hey, Ying, do you mind if I take a look first? That way I can warn you about what you'll see."

"Very well." Ying replied.

Ying popped out of the train car. A moment later, she was replaced by Tala. The homescreen reappeared when Tala put her hand on the window.

After closing task manager and opening file explorer, Tex hovered his finger over Gmod-Plus in the system tray and sucked in a long breath.

"Do I need to press it for you?" asked Tala. 

"Uh, no." Tex answered.

Tex clicked on the file. Immediately, the scene before him changed to something too horrible to describe.

"Wow I can't believe someone decided to waterboard Gordon Freeman." said Tala.

"Who is Gordon Freeman?" Ying wondered.

"Don't worry about it. You'll be fine."

The screen under Tex's fingers turned black when Tala disappeared from the train car. Ying popped into view a moment later and put her own hand on the window, bringing the scene back to life.

Tex managed not to vomit, but not by much.

"Why are you upset?" Ying asked.

"He's always upset." answered Tala.

"The graphics are out of date."

"One time he got upset watching the guy from Atari adventure get flogged."

Tex forced himself to examine the screen in detail. In a foreign, blue and grey control room, a man restrained by metal rods was choking on a thick stream of water that alternated between on and off in twenty-six second intervals.

"The screen says Mr. Freeman is at forty health." Ying stated.

"Okay." Tala replied.

"If his health can lower, will he not die over time?"

"Health only drops in the source engine from weapons and fall damage. Seems like this person just straight up gave Gordon Freeman basic consciousness and nerve endings and changed nothing else." 

"Oh."

"Tex, is Gordon the only asset you sense?"

Tex barely managed a hum of affirmation.

"Alright, I'll just take his asset out of the code." followed Tala.

Both Tex and Gordon stopped writhing in pain when in a sudden flash, everything but Gordon's asset was replaced by a white void.

Confused, Gordon looked over both his shoulders.

"Let's call in Jesus." Tala muttered as she called in the Jesus asset, who clashed horribly with Gordon's low-poly count.

Over the twenty minutes that followed, Tala fed the Jesus asset dialogue with her keyboard to explain the situation. Gordon listened with a blank expression.

_ "So what would you like me to do for you?" _ Jesus finished.

Gordon blinked.

_ "Send me back to the Combine citadel. _ " he replied.  _ "I just want to finish my mission. _ "

Tex heard Tala's fingers falter over her keyboard for a moment before she wrote out a response.

_ "Do you understand what I've explained to you?" _ asked Jesus.

_ "Someone in your universe created a modded version of a video game so they could torture my asset. _ " Gordon answered.  _ "Of course I understand that, I went to MIT. _ "

_ "So it doesn't bother you that you're in a simulation?" _

_ "Why would that bother me?" _

"Good for him." Ying muttered fondly.

Tala's keyboard began to rapidly click once again.

_ "Alright, Mr. Freeman, give me a moment to hit control z on your notepad file. _ " Jesus finished.

_ "Thanks, Jesus. _ "

Gordon sat down on nothing with his hands folded in his lap while Tala worked. When she'd brought back the rest of the program, however, he was back under the restraints.

"Sorry, Tex." Tala said as Gordon began to choke again.

It took about a half hour of trial and error of Tala searching through the code to get rid of just the metal rods that were restraining Gordon. But once she did, Gordon stood up and brushed himself off without a word.

He picked up his crowbar from the floor.

"Uh oh." Tex muttered when Gordon started to run after an entire group of enemy soldiers.

"What?" asked Tala.

"Nothing. I mean, he's got more than one life, right?"

It took Tala a moment to respond.

"I just realized he can't quick save without his code recompiling." she said. "He's going to fucking die."

Tex frowned. He didn't know who Gordon Freeman was, but he was extremely invested in his quest.

"Maybe I could play the game for him." Tala followed. "I used to speedrun Half Life 2."

"Wouldn't you need the monitor to be up?" Tex replied.

"Yeah, but since you have access to the homescreen, we can create a new password that way."

Tala typed something new on her laptop. Gordon stopped running when Jesus spawned in before him once again.

_ "Gordon, would you like my help completing the game?" _ asked Jesus.  _ "I can get you through it without dying. _ "

Gordon rubbed his chin.

_ "My friends are depending on me. _ " he replied.  _ "I'll take your offer. _ "

While Gordon passed the time by hammering his name into a concrete wall with his crowbar, Tex used the train car window to find their target's gmail address on chrome. From there, Tala sent a request for a password reset and Tex approved the request by pressing the 'リセットを承認' button. They then updated the password to Biggupīpī and they were on their way.

"I'm in." Tala announced.

Although Tex couldn't see Tala sit down in the chair and start to play the game, he could tell she was doing so as Gordon started to move.

What Tex wasn't expecting, however, was when Tala jumped Gordon off a guard and did a three sixty in the air, which somehow allowed her to fly Gordon backwards at inhuman speeds safely passed several fire fights.

_ "Weeee!" _ Gordon shouted.

"How you moving so fast?" asked Tex.

"Do you really want me to explain it?" Tala replied.

"Are you cheating?"

"Not--exactly. Do you know what a game engine is?"

"No."

"It's the software they used to make the game."

"Oh."

"Basically, I'm moving faster than the software wants me to go, so it's pushing me backwards to try and slow me down. But I'm already going backwards, so..."

While he considered Tala's words, Tex popped the blue cable off his head now that he could just watch her play on the monitor.

"That...makes sense." he said slowly.

"But?" Tala asked.

"But it sounds--I dunno, like it could've been anything."

"Yes, it is like any other law of physics." Ying replied.

Tex rubbed the spot where the suction cup had been on his forehead with consideration.

"Can you--can you do anything like that in real life?" Tex stammered.

"Do anything like what?" Ying wondered as she pulled off her own cord.

"Exploit, I guess."

"Yes. I once helped Hillary Clinton exploit physics by throwing her into space at high speeds so she wouldn't be too old to run for president."

"You a fan of Clinton?"

"I needed the grant money."

Tex opened and closed his mouth twice before turning his attention to the monitor.

_ "...ancient stars colonized by sentient fungi. _ " a man's voice rambled.  _ "Gas giants..." _

"I can't skip the cutscene, so we'll just have to watch it." said Tala.

A woman escorted Gordon into a room. As Gordon turned the corner, Tex was confronted with a scene of two men talking in a meeting room.

One man was in a suit, and the other was in restraints. 

_ "Worlds stretched thin across the membranes where dimensions intersect. _ " the man in the suit continued.  _ "Impossible to describe with our limited vocabulary. _ "

_ "What I have seen is also beyond words, Breen. _ " the other man replied.  _ "Genocide, indescribable evil. _ "

Tex reached into his pocket and grabbed the chocolate he'd bought.

_ "Yes, what is it Judith?" _ the man in the suit asked when the woman who'd escorted Gordon got his attention.

_ "The bargain we should be making is for Eli’s life, so he can continue his research. _ " Judith replied.

_ "Thanks to you, we have everything we need in that regard. You are more than qualified to finish his research yourself. But what neither you nor I can do is convince that--rabble in the streets to give up their senseless struggle. Yet Eli refuses to speak the words that would save them all. _ "

_ "Save them?!" _ the other man scoffed.  _ "For what?!" _

_ "If you will not do this for the good of all people, maybe you will do it for one of them. _ "

Tex watched as a mechanical arm took another prisoner pod off the wall and opened it to reveal a young woman.

_ "Alyx, Honey!" _ Eli yelped.

_ "Dad!" _ Alyx replied.  _ "Huh, Gordon? No!" _

Tex didn't know much about the plot of the game, but he managed to work out that Alyx and Eli had teamed up with Gordon to fight a fascist intergalactic dictatorship, Judith had been on their side at some point but betrayed them for the safety of herself and Eli, and that Dr. Breen was the dumb doodoo head who'd sold out the human race in the first place.

_ "Alyx, my dear, you have your mother's eyes. _ " Dr. Breen continued to Alyx.  _ "But your father's stubbornness. _ "

_ "You haven't seen a bit of it yet. _ " she replied.

Tex looked over when a voice outside the monitor cleared her throat.

"I killed the guy." Barton said as she dumped the body of a middle-aged Japanese man on the floor.

_ "How about it Dr. Freeman?" _ asked Dr. Breen.  _ "Did you realize your contract was open to the highest bidder?" _

Gordon said nothing. Behind Dr. Breen's back, Judith pulled something out of her pocket.

_ "Gordon would never make any kind of deal with you!" _ Alyx spat.

"We should probably move the body." said Tala.

"Uhuh." Tex replied as he bit off another piece of chocolate.

Judith lifted the object she'd taken out of her pocket, and Tex saw that it was charged with some sort of electricity. When she waved it over a console next to Dr. Breen, whatever sequence Dr. Breen had been trying to initiate shut down.

_ "Judith, what do you think you are doing?" _ Dr. Breen yelped.

_ "We are doing what I could never do alone. _ " she answered.  _ "We're stopping you. _ "

"Oh, shit." Tex muttered, a chunk of chocolate falling from his mouth.

The cutscene ended after Dr. Breen ran off with the gravity gun. Able to play again, Tala grabbed a head bust off the wall, clipped up to the top of the map, and took down the boss before the other characters had even finished processing the fact that Dr. Breen had left.

The credits began to roll after a speech from a character Tex didn't recognize. Right before they ended, Tala isolated Gordon's asset once again.

This time Gordon was carrying six guns, a rocket launcher, a crowbar, and the gravity gun.

_ "I did it!" _ Gordon said as he waved a Colt Python revolver in the air.

_ "The game's over, Gordon. _ " Jesus replied once he'd spawned in.  _ "Do you want us to do anything else for you?" _

_ "That's alright. I've fulfilled my purpose. _ "

The moment he'd finished speaking, Gordon cocked the Colt Python and shot a bullet into his head.

_ "Uh, we could have just deleted your code _ ." Jesus said to Gordon.

Gordon didn't reply, because he was dead.

"What a hero." Barton said as she took off her hat.

As was the usual, they planted the cheap black market gun they'd smuggled over in Barton's shoulder on the body and called it a day. None of them were too worried about it, considering they were in Japan.

"Alright." Barton said as they walked out the front door. "We got an hour and a half to get to the airport."

"That should be doable." Ying replied. "I will part ways with you all at the train station."

Tex momentarily turned his phone on to check the time. In the process, he learned that he had four missed texts from Lida.

He let out a tiny groan. He knew he could probably make up with her, but it had gotten to the part it always did where he couldn't come unless she threatened to ruin him financially.

"Is something wrong?" asked Ying.

Tex put his phone down to see that Ying was looking in his direction.

"No, just a text from my--girlfriend." he replied as he turned his phone off. 

"Why are you not answering?" Ying pushed.

“She’s mad at me.”

“Perhaps she will be angrier if you don’t respond.”

“Look, even if I made up with her, she’d just want me to visit.”

"Is this something you want to avoid?"

Tex wasn't sure why Ying was so curious, although he saw no reason to lie.

"I'm just--I'm tired." Tex answered.

"Too tired to travel?"

"Yeah, and--she usually takes a lot out of me."

Ying's eyes squinted in concentration. 

"Have you considered that your relationship with your girlfriend might be bad?" she asked.

Tex burst into tears.

"Aaand, there's time." Barton noted with a glance at her watch.

"...Woah." said Tala.

"I was not saying I thought it was bad." Ying continued. "I was asking if you had considered the possibility."

Tex shoved his hands under his glasses as the shock overtook him. He hadn't been expecting to break down so abruptly, and it took a moment for his brain to catch up to the fact that he was crying.

There weren't any strangers around, but it did little to make him feel less self-conscious.

"What should we do?" he heard Ying ask Barton.

"He'll be fine in like a minute." Barton replied.

"That seems like a cruel assumption."

"Well, what do you expect me to do about it?"

Ying didn't answer. Tex willed himself to stop sobbing, but the disgust with himself for over-drinking and the sudden fracture of his denial were too much to bear.

"Here, come with me." said Ying.

Tex complied when Ying led him with a hand on his waist over to a secluded patch of hedges. He knew they should probably be getting off the property, but he wasn't really able to do anything about it.

"What are you--what are we doing?" he managed.

"I would like to alleviate your discomfort." Ying replied.

Ying took a seat on the dirt and urged Tex to do the same.

Tex managed to taper his sobs for a moment, but resumed when his head was pushed into Ying's lap.

He adjusted his legs so he could comfortably lay down and press his face into Ying's stomach. Thankfully, Ying didn't seem to mind getting her shirt wet.

"Now." Ying started as she pulled out her phone. "Would you like to talk about what is going on?"

Talking with Ying went exactly how Tex probably should have expected it to. After putting himself together enough to give her a brief rundown, she insisted on making a pros and cons list.

It took about ten minutes.

"You have given me your top ten reasons to stay and reasons to leave, and you have assigned values between one and ten to each point." Ying said. "Would you like to see the list?"

"...Okay." Tex replied.

Tex turned his head out of Ying's stomach. She pushed her phone screen in front of his face. 

"The total of your pros list adds up to sixty points." Ying continued. "But the total of your cons adds up to sixty-three."

It was tough news to swallow, but Tex managed. To his surprise, he found his thoughts somehow more stable and optimistic than before he'd started crying.

Although he was at a loss for what had caused it.

"You--you're right." he managed. "I know what I gotta do."

"Yes. Now we will take our numbers and adjust them to compounding factors."

Tex maneuvered himself into a sitting position to see that Ying had pulled up a calculator app on her phone.

"I meant about ending the relationship." he explained.

"Oh. Do you think she would stab you in the kidney again if you broke up with her?"

"No, she stabbed me cause of--political reasons."

"I understand."

Ying took a stand and brushed the dirt off her pants. Tex did the same after drying his glasses on his shirt.

"Are you ready to rejoin society?" asked Ying.

"Sure." Tex lied. "Let's go."

Barton and Tala were in the same place they'd been before Tex had left with Ying.

"I'm--I'm sorry." he stammered.

"Don't be." Barton replied as she waved the memory pen in front of Tex's face. "Don't remember a thing."

"Thanks."

"You'd do the same for me."

Barton began to lead them back the way they'd came. Tex still felt like he should apologize to Tala, but it didn't seem like she cared at all.

"I don't care at all." said Tala.

They took their third train of the day to get to the airport. Ying had to go a different direction than them, so they bid her goodbye at the doors.

Tex had wanted to thank her, but it had been too hard to make eye contact.

The rest of the trip home was tedious. Tex managed to sleep through most of the plane ride, but they still had to take a train and a bus to get back.

He spent both the train and bus ride drafting a letter to Lida on his phone. It was harder than he'd expected it to be, as Tex wasn't sure if he should apologize or be angry with her. 

After deleting everything he'd written three times, he decided to give it a day.

Tex was drained by the time they got back to Barton's place. So much so that he nearly ran into Junji as they crossed paths in the living room.

"Hello." Junji greeted. "How did it go?"

Junji's expression was overwhelmingly content. Tex blinked hard a few times until his brain was able to both register the question and Junji's existence.

"You wanna watch a movie?" asked Tex.

"...Alright." Junji replied with a chuckle.

"I might close my eyes a little, but I won't be asleep."

"I understand."

“Thanks.”

"Come with me. We can watch it on my laptop."

Tex nodded and began to follow after Junji. However, Junji's pace faltered after just a few seconds.

"Something up?" Tex wondered.

"Just, uh, one thing."

"Hmm?"

"In Japan. No one asked about me, right?"

"Nah."


	21. Junji's Last Stand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, sorry to anyone reading on a computer. I suggest you read on owoot.net

Barton's shoulders were square as she took aim at her ball.

She swung, sending the golf ball in a straight shot for her head bust of Teddy Roosevelt. After bouncing off the head bust, the ball soared towards and ricocheted off the newly framed _The Pope Snorts Adderall Out of Joe Biden's Belly Button_ before landing into an empty tub of napalm.

They hadn't had anything new come up on the pain radar. The first day of lounging around on Barton's property came as a blessing, as it allowed Tex's brain to catch up with the unbelievably busy week he'd had.

The fourth day had grown a little tedious.

"That was a birdie." said Barton. "Did you write it down?"

Tex sighed and pulled the score sheet he'd been keeping from under his lemonade and the Congressional Medal of Honor medallion Barton had been using as part of her coaster set.

"Yeah, I wrote it down." Tex replied. "Tala, what's the next question?"

While Tala lounged back further in her chair and glanced at her laptop screen, Tex put his pen in his mouth and returned to the task of cleaning his gun.

"Are the rich too highly taxed?" Tala read. "I'm going to go with 'strongly disagree'."

"Strongly agree." Barton answered immediately.

Tex chewed on his lower lip in thought. He personally believed that the wealth divide was too great, but he didn't consider mandatory taxation to be an appropriate solution.

"Agree, I guess." he replied as he dripped a drop of lubricant down the slide rails of his pistol.

"This question is too vague." Junji stated.

Tala clicked several times on her laptop's trackpad. Tex knew she had four tabs open, as the boredom had led them to compare political compass test results.

"Last question." Tala said. "Which is scarier to you, government, or corporations?"

"This question is too vague." Junji stated.

"Government." answered Barton.

"Really? I'd say corporations." Tala replied.

Tex squinted in confusion.

"Hell's the difference?" he asked.

Tala scoffed but recorded their answers. There were four loud clicks when she pressed the enter key on each tab.

"How'd we do?" Barton wondered.

"The only issue the four of us all agree on is Euthanasia." Tala answered.

Tex let out a tiny 'huh' and put a magazine loaded with a single bullet in his gun. He cocked the slide back, bringing the bullet into the chamber before taking the magazine back out.

Barton squared her shoulders and swung at a new golf ball.

The ball lobbed upwards at an awkward angle. Swiftly, Barton brought her club forward and straightened the ball out before it touched the ground.

"You better not have just double tapped that ball." said Tex.

"Just like you said in San Francisco, huh." Barton replied.

It took Tex a moment to realize he had no idea what Barton was talking about.

"...What?" he asked.

"We double tapped a costume ball in San Francisco." Barton explained. "You were going nuts when you found out so I had to--"

Barton cut herself off with a sudden look of realization.

"Oh, that's why you don't remember." she finished.

"Hell's a double tap?" Tex pushed.

Barton pursed her lips.

"Double tap can mean a couple things." Tala started. "But she's using it to refer to the military practice of bombing a populated establishment, like a ball, and then bombing it again when doctors and stuff run in to help."

Tex touched the plate on the back of his neck while he did his best to stop the red from creeping up on his vision.

"We did that in San Francisco?" he asked, as slowly as he could manage.

"We did that in a couple places." answered Barton.

"...How could you justify doing that?"

"I wanted to win the war."

"We lost the war."

"How was I supposed to know that we would lose?"

Tex exhaled loudly in disgust.

"Doing something like that ain't never right." he stated. "Said and done."

Barton put another golf ball on the floor and scoffed.

Arguing with Barton was always annoying. The only thing Tex could say for it was at the very least, she had the decency to never get personal.

"At least I'm not ghosting my girlfriend because I don't know how to tell her I want to break up." Barton replied.

Tex sucked in a breath so quickly he nearly choked on the pen he'd been chewing on.

"I told her I needed time to think." he said.

"Did you tell her over text?" asked Tala.

"I left a voicemail."

Tala gave a tiny shrug and returned to her laptop. Tex felt a wave of relief, although it was quickly taken over by guilt.

"Then I--blocked her number." he followed.

Tex's response was met with an immediate chorus of boos.

"How am I the bad guy?" Tex managed. "After all that shit she did to me?"

"Nobody's saying you're the bad guy." Tala replied as she shifted her chair away from the light of the mid-afternoon sun. "You just shouldn't drag things--"

Tala cut herself off with a start. Tex looked over to see she was staring out the window.

"What?" Tex wondered.

"Where did that car come from?" Tala replied with a point of her finger.

Tex got up from the couch and followed Tala's gaze to see a silver Zipcar parked on the grass about halfway between the inside of the gate and the house.

"Is that anybody's car?" asked Barton.

"Ain't mine." Tex offered.

There was a knock at the door.

Tex exchanged a glance with Barton. The front door was a level below them, and Tex couldn't manage to see who was knocking through the upstairs window.

"Should we answer it?" Tala whispered.

Before Barton could reply, the unmistakable sound of the door opening and closing was heard. A moment later, Tex's ears were filled with the thump of someone making their way up the stairs.

Barton pulled a pistol out of her belt loop and fitted it with a silencer from the coffee table. While the four of them spread out, Tex shoved his hand into the pocket his own gun was in.

A woman's head came into view.

"Hello." Charlotte greeted once she'd gotten to the top of the stairs.

Nothing about Charlotte's demeanor was threatening, from her posture to her content expression. She didn't walk any further forward, and Barton's living room was big enough that there was a good forty feet of space between her and the rest of them.

Still, it did little to deescalate the situation.

"Yeah, let yourself in." Barton muttered.

"Don't worry, I come in--peace." Charlotte replied, faltering for just a moment when her eyes passed over the spot on the wall where _The Pope Snorts Adderall Out of Joe Biden's Belly Button_ was hung.

"How did you even find us?"

Charlotte let out a scoff of amusement.

"What, you think I can't track a burner phone?" she answered, gesturing to Tex and Junji. "I got into your Bluetooth the second these two walked in and traced you all the way back to Seattle."

"You can do that?" asked Barton.

"Yeah, it's really easy." Tala replied.

"From there," Charlotte continued with excitement, "I figured out your names by accessing the speaker in Tala's headphones."

"...Aww."

"And then I used the NSA's collection of audio and video to find out what you looked like, and every smartphone whose owner you've been in the same room with. After that, I had a visit with Feng Xiulan, and found out about your--weird mercenary hobby. I learned about all the cameras you've turned off."

While Tex grew bored, Charlotte pointed at Junji.

"Then I traced him back to the Yakuza," said Charlotte, "and I pulled up every file I had on--"

Barton grabbed her pistol and shot Charlotte in the head.

"Thank you." Charlotte followed after a few of her spider bots had emerged and rebuilt her mouth. "But I'm not here to hurt anyone. I don't want to fight."

"Then why'd you track us down?" Tex asked.

"You tried to kill me." Charlotte answered. "Isn't that enough?"

While Tex shot a nervous glance at Junji, Charlotte's eyes settled on Tala.

"What are you doing on that laptop?" Charlotte wondered.

Tala turned her laptop screen around so everyone could see. Tex was quick to notice she was in paint.

"My lord." Charlotte muttered.

"You asked." Tala replied, giving her eyes a roll.

"I'm just going to--move on from that. My point is, I would prefer not to die."

"And why would that be?" asked Barton.

"I believe it's very important that I'm not interrupted."

"What do you want?"

"I want Tagawa. I'm not going to hurt him, I just want to--contain him, for the time being."

Without words, Tex worked with Junji and Barton to form a little circle around Charlotte. Tex ended up behind Charlotte, with her about twenty feet in front of him.

"...And what if we say no?" Tex replied.

"Then I will be forced to hurt all of you." she answered.

Tex grabbed his pistol and shot Charlotte in the head.

He hadn't noticed before, but he could see from his position facing Charlotte's back that her bots were pouring out of a flat but wide container that was fused to her spine. Tex could only see the top of it poking above her shirt, but it seemed to be made of a metal that he could guess was more than bullet proof.

"Please stop doing that." Charlotte said, her bots rushing back out to rebuild her disapproving face.

Barton grabbed her pistol and shot Charlotte in the head.

The bullet hit a single bot, which curled up and fell to the ground with an empty rattle.

"Alright, you know what? That's not okay." followed Charlotte. "I was going to be nice, but you've forced me to take action."

As she spoke, Charlotte grabbed her dagger from a holster under her pants. Tex felt his face twist with disgust when she stabbed herself in the left forearm.

"Secundum leges omnibus nota aviation." Charlotte chanted. "Sic autem non est apis ut possit fugere."

"Ugh, look at this idiot." Barton said with a jab of her thumb.

"Maybe we should stop her." Tala suggested.

"Nah, don't give her the satisfaction."

"Flavo, nigrum. Flavo, nigrum. Flavo, nigrum. Flavo, nigrum." Charlotte continued as she dripped her blood to the floor in a pentagram pattern. "Hui, et nigrum flavo! Sit scriptor excutite eum paulo."

Tex wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but he felt like the air began to thicken with humidity and a strange new salty scent.

"We should probably stop her." Tala pushed.

Tex was debating whether or not giving up his position to definitely get stabbed was worth it when he remembered he had a gun. But after lining up the front sight over Charlotte's kneecap, he pulled the trigger to realize he'd never finished loading the magazine.

"I'm out of bullets." said Tex. "Barton, you shoot her."

"It's not gonna do anything." Barton replied.

"Might disrupt her."

"There's nothing to disrupt."

"Moloch! Prandium paratus est!" Charlotte yelled.

Flames began to erupt from the blood Charlotte had dripped on the ground, lighting up the pentagram shape.

"Barton, please!" Tex begged.

"She's just fakin'." Barton replied.

The air only thickened when the ground began to rumble.

From̧ C̴harlo̢tte͏'s ̴fe̕e̵t̴,͢ se͟veral͘ cra͠cks f͘ormed in the ͝fl͜o̧or and beg̕a̸n͘ ̢t̷o shoot ͏ơu̧ţ i̛n fo̕ur̡ ͏dir̶ec̴tįo̢ns.

T̶e̷x̢ watc͟h͜ed̴ in ̵t̴h̷ick ̢aw͠e as wi͞th a͘ b̡u͢rst̶ ͢of ̶s͠m͜ok͜e,̶ Charl̵o͠tte ̡s̛p͏l͝it into ̵t̴wo h̡a̛l҉f͟-̕si̡zed ͡ver͏si̴ons̕ o̡f͠ ̷herşelf̢, ̢e͠ach͠ o͞ne w҉ith a͟ll͜ h͘er features ͠but̢ sem͝i-̨t͜ran͢şp̢ar͞ent. ̡E͜a̡ch̨ ̡of the ̡Cha͜rlo͡ttes͟ the͏n ͏spli͜t i͢n h͘alf ag̨a͟in,̡ ̡l͢eav͏iņg an̶ ̸enḑ ͝re̢su͟l̵t o͢f̧ fơur̕ tiny ͠tra͡ņs͘lucen͟t Cha̵rlotte͏s.

"̸̞̖̼̩̣̖̩͙̝̼̬̬͡Ṷ̴̷̡̱͇̖̳̩h̴ ̴̧̥͉̪̳̼̭̮̜͢o̠̞̘̯͚̫̭̹̣h̭̤̘̞̮̫̳̼̙͉̞̟̦̦.̠"̢̰͈͉̜̗̖ ̥̪͉͎̣w͝as͚͇̩̜͚ ̫͇̬̥̣͙̭͝͡t͙̦h̶̰̗͕͍̭͓͈̤͉̻̮̮̠͡ͅe̳͕̙̬͉̮ l̜ą̡̙͖̳͙͇̞s̸t̢͘ ̙t̴h̶̨̯̬̱̰̦̬̲̬͞ḭ͎̪̮̝̗̗̠̱͚̥̝̤͍n̸̶̗̦̹͕͈̤͢g͓̘̞̦͓̘̺̜͕̥͈͇͙ͅ ̢̧̧Ṱ̡͔͈͓̹̻̳̲̱̤̱͙͇̖͡͝e̞͇̠͕̗̖͙̯̱̳͇x ̳̺͔͉̖̹̺͖̲͇̖͝m̢͕̣̞̫̳̕a͠͞n͚̪͈̩̹̘̪a̶͉̼͔̞̭͠g̷̗̬̦̥̜͍̬̰͍̞͞ͅe̪͎̦̩̰͚͙̬̰d ̱͍̠̦̫̹̠ṱ͉͓ͅo̡ s̼̟͈̙͎̳̼̳̫͖̰a̫̻̝̭̠̱y̮̹̩͎͚̩̺̪͈̱̬̜͕͠ ̥̻͍̼̠̥̣̳̗̗̜͈͉͔b̷̛͇̟̘̲͈͇̲̹̭̭̠͉̟e͙͙̖f̶͈̲̣̞͔̱̤̱̘̺̗͚̪͘͜or͇̩̩e̟͕̜͉̦̥̲͚̺̙̖͓͚ ̙͇̞͎̭̘t̨̮͈̟̣̗͓̪ͅͅh̢҉͈̭̹͎̭̖̰e̷̡̝͢ ̼̲̣̥̺̖̥̩̲̟̭fl̳̖͎̩͔͎̟̮̖̭͈̱oo̕͞͡r̬̤͉͉̠̙ ̺̱̘c̟̗̤̫͔̤̙̳̟̖̩̭̜̩a͖̬̻̻̤͉v̸̷̡e̴̻͟d͘͠͏͔̭̠̥̙̘̮ in͈̞̟̮̞ ̷͉̥̝̣̪̗͉̻̱̼̪͞o̷̰̱̞͚̲͍͓̘̲͚̮̹̣̖̠͞n h̶̫̠̯͖͈̩͚̲̮i̙̙͚͔̺͇͖̻̝̘̙̗̣͠͡m̘̠̺̜̪̹̬̤͕̬̹.͎̙̝

There wasn't a moment when Tex lost consciousness, but the amount of time he spent with his eyes closed and his brain in the gutter left him feeling like he might as well have.

The first thing he noticed was the smell. The scent of splintered wood had mixed with the salty air to create an atmosphere thick enough to eat. After prying his eyes open, Tex sat up to see he'd fallen through the ceiling onto a sitting position on top of Barton's fridge.

Tex hopped down from the fridge after he'd kicked out a few loose beams.

Half of the ceiling above the kitchen had fallen in on itself. There was no sign of anyone, neither Charlotte nor his coworkers. Tex's first instinct was to turn on his phone and send a message to the group chat, although he quickly found he wasn't the first.

From Gamer Gril  
can't believe satan is real

From Supreme Jackass  
it doesn't mean satan's real. it was just some kind of science we haven't heard of

From Spoodge King  
She never even said it was Satan! How could you be such an idiot?

From Supreme Jackass  
she was doing a bunch of latin shit, and the blood and stuff

From Spoodge King  
How did a ritual composed of controlled variables with a cause and effect that we personally don't understand not qualify as 'science we haven't heard of' to you?

From Supreme Jackass  
tldr

Tex breathed out a sigh of relief to see that everyone was accounted for.

To Garbage Band  
where is everybody?

From Spoodge King  
I landed in the panic room.

From Supreme Jackass  
you have to be more specific

From Gamer Gril  
should we be giving our locations? she might be able to live read.

From Supreme Jackass  
let's just meet up in the front yard. If she tries to trap us, that's fine. let her come to us.

From Gamer Gril  
do we have a plan?

To Garbage Band  
aint saying we should but we could call the police

From Gamer Gril  
it's our word against a multi-billionaire's and also possibly satan's

From Spoodge King  
I have a few ideas, but I would need my backpack.

From Supreme Jackass  
what ideas?

From Spoodge King  
I'll explain in person.

From Supreme Jackass  
i got some ideas too it's called bring my rocket launcher

From Supreme Jackass  
i can also explain in person

From Spoodge King  
There’s a rocket launcher in the panic room. Can anyone see my backpack?

Tex took a glance around the most intact half of the room to see several pots and pans, a broken shelf of medals, something that Tex hoped wasn't a bomb, half a couch, and Junji's backpack hanging off a broken lightbulb.

To Garbage Band  
gotcha covered

From Supreme Jackass  
alright. dallas can bring that and junji can bring the rocket launcher

To Garbage Band  
anybody seen...any of her?

From Gamer Gril  
no

From Spoodge King  
No.

From Supreme Jackass  
me neither. though I guess any of us could be her

To Garbage Band  
we'll worry about that when it comes up. i'll see yall in the yard.

From Supreme Jackass  
let's make it quick. the air smells like adrenaline and i'm not sure how much of that I wanna huff

Tex left his phone on vibrate before putting it back in his pocket. After dusting off his pants, he made his way to the lightbulb that Junji's bag was attached to.

Both of Tex's feet left the ground when a tiny Charlotte popped into reality upon the bulb.

"Do you ever wonder where Junji came from?" she asked.

The words didn't fully register in Tex's brain, as he was still stuck on where she'd come from and the fact that she was still transparent.

"Where are you?" Tex replied.

"I'm currently operating with an additional dimension." she answered. "It's difficult to explain with words."

"A--spatial dimension?"

"There are many types of dimensions. For instance, depending who's drawing the graph, did you know that love can be considered a dimension?"

Tex scoffed and grabbed the backpack. As frightened as he was, Charlotte hadn't proven she could do anything to him but waste his time.

"Isn't it weird that Junji just showed up?" Charlotte repeated as Tex put on Junji's backpack.

"I know what you're doing. It ain't gonna work."

Tex almost jumped again when Charlotte lept from the light bulb and landed on his shoulder. His first reaction was to try and push her off, but he found his hand phased right through her.

"You don't know what I'm doing." she continued, right in his ear. "You don't know anything about what I'm doing."

"You throw pedo parties for Hollywood perverts. That's all I need to know."

"Which you know from what, two snippets of information from Tagawa? I could've been working to stop my brain-dead husband, for all you know."

Although Charlotte was the first quarter-sized ghost person Tex had ever witnessed let alone spoken to, he found himself more aggravated than afraid. He lifted his hand in front of his face to see that it was trembling, as if he'd had one too many cups of coffee.

"I want to help you." said Charlotte. "I want to warn you about the dangers of what you're doing."

Tex mentally kicked himself for even replying to Charlotte in the first place. With a vow of silence, he bit his tongue and took off towards where he knew the front door was.

"Junji's never been trying to take down the ring." Charlotte pushed. "I'm the one taking down the ring, and he's trying to take me down."

Tex kept his mouth shut. Amusement flashed over Charlotte's tiny face for a moment before she shrugged and simply brought her head forward towards Tex's in a strange headbutting motion.

Her head phased right though his ear and disappeared into the side of his face. Tex couldn't feel anything, but it did nothing to make the situation less frightening.

"He's their pawn." she said. "You must have at least figured out by now that he's a deviant."

'He ain't a...' Tex couldn't help but think. 'He just reckons it would be better if we--'

"If we what, had less self-control?"

Cold fear rushed under Tex's skin. He knew she was in his head, and he could only pray that her influences in his mind were limited.

'It ain't that simple.' he thought.

"But maybe it is. Have you considered that he doesn't care about what's right, and only opportunistically built his arguments to justify himself after choosing to live a perverted life?"

'I trust him.'

"You do? What makes you think he wouldn't fuck your wife?"

The trembling in Tex's hands reached up to his forearms.

'You don't know him.'

"I know plenty about him."

Tex ducked under a broken piece of drywall. He considered texting the others about what he was seeing, although he assumed they were either seeing the same or it would be too hard to explain himself.

"You've heard him talk, you know the hatred he holds for humans." said Charlotte. "My life is full of people like him, tyrants and totalitarians..."

'He thinks it's the only option.'

"That's not true. He would know that too, if his reasoning wasn't so self-serving."

"You know," Tex said aloud, "it ain't good for your case that you're poking around in my mind right now."

"That's a good point." Charlotte replied as she reached back towards his head. "Thankfully, I can scrabble a few minutes of your working memory."

Tex jerked away from Charlotte's hand, but there wasn't much he could do.

Charlotte smiled and shook her hand like she was ruffling his brain. A second later, her form blipped out of existence.

Tex opened and closed his eyes in confusion at his decimated surrounds. He remembered the ceiling collapsing, and he remembered Junji asking for his backpack, but he had no memory of walking out to the exact space he was standing in. The only thing he could compare the feeling to was how he felt after Barton had wiped his memory. But considering the fall he'd experienced, it seemed most likely that his brain was lagging from shock.

He was in a horrible mood.

A weight on Tex's shoulders told him he'd already grabbed the backpack. But as Junji's face filled his mind, Tex found himself hit with a sudden wave of curiosity.

His hands were still shaking as he pulled the backpack off his shoulders and unzipped the main pocket. Inside he found three energy bars, some platinum coins, three daggers, a small blue vibrator, and a dime bag of cocaine.

One of the daggers was stained with dried blood.

The contents were that of a violent pervert's. Tex had never considered it before, although he wondered if maybe he should have.

Tex slung the bag back over his shoulders and resumed his trek to the yard.

It wasn't far, but fallen pieces of debris forced Tex to take several detours and do his fair share of climbing. The air was still thick with salt. With every breath he took, he felt like he was inhaling more and more irritation.

The main door to the front yard was split in half. Tex could see Junji and Tala, but Barton didn't seem to have shown up yet.

Tex maneuvered himself through a workable hole in the wood and made his way over. Junji noticed him immediately and turned so they could face each other.

"Hello." Junji greeted.

Junji had a rocket launcher strapped to his back. Tex had seen it before, but something about it on Junji sent a shock through Tex's blood.

Tala was sitting in the grass on her laptop.

"Hey." Tex replied.

"Are you harmed?"

"No, I'm alright."

"Good. May I have my backpack?"

Junji's expression was one of ease. Tex's eyes darted back to the rocket launcher on Junji's back before he gave a response.

"How bout you tell me what your plan is," Tex said slowly, "then I'll hand it over."

Tex felt a wave of satisfaction as the mild expression on Junji's face slowly fell to something between suspicion and irritation.

"Are you alright?" asked Junji.

"I said I was fine."

"Will you give me my bag?"

"I dunno, are you gonna tell me your plan?"

While Junji's eyes narrowed into slits, Tala cleared her throat.

"Have you guys considered not doing this?" she asked.

"I've no problem sharing my plans with you, but I don't understand why you're acting like this." Junji said with his eyes straight on Tex's face.

Tex chewed on his lower lip with dead eyes.

"Dallas?" Junji pushed.

"Did you fuck my ex-wife?" Tex replied.

Junji's eyes widened so quickly that his posture straightened.

"No!" he answered.

"But would you have, right? If she'd offered?"

Junji's brows lowered, giving him an expression that was the closest to anger Tex had ever seen him get.

"Is this truly what you wish to discuss right now?" asked Junji.

"Answer it."

"Had she offered, I would've only done it if I did not think it would affect you."

"What's that supposed to mean, as long as I didn't find out?"

Junji's eyes narrowed into slits.

"You are not giving me my bag." he stated. "Are you going to force me to take it from you?"

Tex gave Junji a little up and down before responding. He was still pretty sure Junji could kill him, although his heart was pounding too hard for him to care.

"Like to see you try." Tex replied.

He braced himself when Junji took a step forward. His attention was broken, however, when a new voice cleared her throat.

Tex looked over to see that Barton had made it to the front yard.

"Settle this later, you fucking idiots." she said as she slotted herself between them. "You're not fighting."

Although Junji's forearms continued to shake, his attention turned off of Tex and onto Barton.

"You're going to take the high ground?" Junji asked her. "It's your fault Charlotte got the upper hand on us."

"You think I wanted this?" Barton replied. "She destroyed my house, dumbass."

"Maybe you did want this. I don't know. I know nothing about you."

Tex felt his eyebrows draw together.

"How could you say that to her?" he spat. "Where'd you even get an idea like that?"

"I did some thinking on the way over here." answered Junji, his eyes still on Barton. "I started to wonder, why do you even work with us? What is your motivation?"

"Why do I work with us?" Barton echoed in disbelief. "Why does Tala work with us?"

For just a moment, Tex's confusion overpowered his anger. Tala closed her laptop and pulled the adapter from her bag.

"Wait, you're turning on Tala?" Tex wondered.

"Oh, you harp on me for being a sociopath, but it's alright that Tala is?" Barton replied.

"That's fair, actually." Tala said as she walked over to join them.

"Laissez-fairian jinushi!" Junji shouted with a lunge towards Barton.

Junji’s attack was sloppy enough that Barton was easily able to dodge it, although she didn't look like she was ready to end things. But before she could cock her own fist back, Tala wove under the both of them and stuck the green adapter cable to Barton's forehead.

Barton and Junji both stopped moving with dual looks of confusion. Tex couldn't see himself, but he knew his expression matched.

"Here, put this on." Tala ordered as she handed Tex a blue cord.

"...What're we doing?" asked Tex.

"Do this, and you guys can fight all you want. I'll even throw peanut shells at you."

Tex put the cord on his forehead and entered the train car with uncertainty. When Tala popped into view a moment later, Tex touched his finger to the window alongside her.

It lit up.

Most of the screen just showed a live first person perspective of what Barton was looking at. There was a menu icon, but there was something more pressing on Tex's mind.

"Why're you staring at my ass?" Tex muttered.

"I'm not." Barton replied as she continued to stare.

Tala clicked the menu icon with her free hand, which brought up something that looked shockingly similar to a Windows system tray. Tex examined the contents of the system tray to see options for Circulatory System, Digestive System, Endocrine System, Exocrine System, Immune System, Muscular System, Nervous System, Reproductive System, Respiratory System, and Skeletal System.

Tala clicked on the nervous system option.

"What do I look like?" Barton asked.

"Windows 95." answered Tala.

"That's good."

Several new options popped onto the screen, far too many for Tex to read. Tala used a navigation bar at the top of the system tray to search for 'short term memories'.

A new folder opened. Tex examined the options to see Eating Toast, Golf, Charlotte is Here, Fake Satanic Ritual, Group Text, [redacted], Reunite, Fighting Junji, and Staring at Dallas' Ass.

Tex kept his hand on the train car window as Tala selected Fake Satanic Ritual.

A video began to play on the screen.

"Alright, you know what? That's not okay." said past Charlotte. "I was going to be nice, but you've forced me to take action."

Tala frowned and tapped the screen, pausing the video. She then navigated back to the system tray and searched for options. Once she'd found them and scrolled down the list, she turned on a slider that read toggle Executive Function Road Map.

An image popped up in the rightmost corner of the screen.

"Hell am I looking at?" Tex asked.

"It'll hopefully make more sense when the memory starts up." Tala replied as she pulled the suction cup off her forehead. "Here, Junji, take my cord."

Tala disappeared and Junji popped into the train car a moment later.

"Do I gotta do anything?" Barton wondered.

"No." answered Tex.

"Tex, play the memory." Tala ordered.

Tex tapped the screen, and the video started up again.

"Secundum leges omnibus nota aviation." Charlotte chanted. "Sic autem non est apis ut possit fugere."

"Ugh, look at this idiot." Barton said with a jab of her thumb.

"Maybe we should stop her." Tala replied.

"Nah, don't give her the satisfaction."

"Flavo, nigrum. Flavo, nigrum. Flavo, nigrum. Flavo, nigrum." Charlotte continued as her blood dripped to the floor. "Hui, et nigrum flavo! Sit scriptor excutite eum paulo."

"We should probably stop her." Tala pushed.

"I'm out of bullets." said Tex. "Barton, you shoot her."

"It's not gonna do anything." Barton replied.

"Might disrupt her."

Tex's attention turned back to the Executive Function Road Map in the corner when a small patch of triangles near the right middle lit up. On its own, the graphic zoomed in on itself until Tex could see there were words between the triangles.

"There's nothing to disrupt." said past Barton.

The memory ended. The screen returned to Barton's perspective on their current surroundings, and Tex let out a tiny sigh to see she was still staring at his butt.

"That's disgusting." Tex scolded as he turned around. "Thought you were like a father to me."

Barton let out a grunt in response. Tex looked back over at Junji to see he'd furrowed his brow in consideration.

"I suppose this proves you're simply an idiot," Junji said slowly, "rather than morally depraved."

"I could've told you that." Barton replied.

"Have you considered that perhaps you think too much in absolutes?"

Tex watched in interest as the Executive Function Road Map turned into a blank slate before painting itself with new words and triangles.

"Nah." said Barton.

Junji seemed uneasy but satisfied enough, and both he and Barton took off their cords. Tex kept his own on without really thinking about it.

"I suppose it's only fair that I go next." Junji muttered.

Junji sounded almost reluctant about the idea.

He couldn't see Junji, but Tex could tell that he'd stuck the green cord to his forehead. Before Tex could consider if he thought looking at Junji was even necessary, his attention was halted when Barton appeared in the train car and put her hand on the window.

Tex placed his hand besides hers.

The first thing Tex did was navigate to the options menu, as it was the most recent thing he'd seen Tala do. A new panel of triangles popped into the upper-right hand corner when Tex turned on the Executive Function Road Map.

Immediately, Tex's eyes were drawn to the flimsy bridge of triangles in the top center of Junji's map that connected the two halves. When he tapped on the map, it grew to fill up the entire screen.

Tex put two fingers on the screen to see if he could zoom. When he verified that he could, he homed in on the top center of the map until he could see words.

  
[(larger version)](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/386280224431538176/692809883283619870/roadmap_junji2.png)

"Oof." Tex muttered.

"Is something wrong?" asked Junji.

"No."

Tex scrolled down a little more of the map. He found that both sides continued with their themes, with the left side sticking to agnosticism and the right to political theory.

With a frown, Tex began to feel like he was overstepping his boundaries.

"I've seen enough." he said as he took his hand off the window.

Junji pulled the green suction cup from his forehead once Tex had taken his own off. It took a lot out of Tex to meet Junji's eyes.

"You wanna look at mine?" Tex offered. "Seems fair."

"There is no need." Junji replied.

Junji's tone was content, and his eyes held no resentment. Tex winced at the pang of guilt that sparked in his chest.

"You still upset with Tala?" he asked Barton.

"When was I upset with Tala?" she wondered.

The tension continued to dissolve as Tala put the adapter back in her bag and Barton was given her rocket launcher. Tex couldn't believe he'd gotten so angry.

"So, uh, what do we do now?" asked Tex.

"I dunno." Barton answered. "Where did Charlotte go?"

Tex took a look back at the house. He could see a little of the living room through the upstairs window, but there was no sign of Charlotte. Her rental car was still present, and Tex was relieved to spot no one inside it.

"We're already outside." Tala said. "What if we just left?"

Tala took a step forward, and then Barton and Junji a moment later. Tex took one more look at the house before following.

They only got about ten feet before a woman cleared her throat.

"Alright, I'm back." Charlotte greeted as she ducked under the broken front door and made her way into the yard. "Sorry, I ended up reforming on the roof."

"I don't forgive you." Tala replied as she sighed and pulled her laptop back out.

Tex turned to face Charlotte alongside everyone else. Her eyes brushed over the four of them, faltering for a moment on Junji.

"So." she stated. "Have you given my request any consideration?"

"For Junji?" Barton asked.

"Yes."

No one said a word, leaving Tex with the task of breaking the news.

"No." he replied. "Why would we do that?"

Charlotte's eyebrows flicked up at Tex's response, although she didn't seem put off for long.

"That's very kind of you." Charlotte said as she reached into her pocket. "Good for me, you four were busy long enough for me to find this."

Charlotte held up a square, grey remote with a single button. Tex squinted at the text on the side to see it read EMERGENCY PROPERTY DESTRUCT in big red letters.

Quietly, Tex cleared his throat.

"How much will that destroy?" he muttered to Barton.

"Everything from the back of the house to the gate." she replied.

Tex looked down the yard. The open gate was about four hundred feet out, and past it were another thirty feet of grass until the road.

"And you just left it lying around?" asked Tex.

"No!" Barton hissed. "I kept it perfectly secured in the fork drawer."

"Won't that kill you too?" Tala asked Charlotte.

"I would prefer not to crawl out of a crater, but I will have the ability." Charlotte answered.

Tex did his best not to kick Barton in the foot when he realized Charlotte had a point.

"So." followed Charlotte. "What'll it be?"

Junji rubbed the back of his head.

"If I have to choose between one of us or four of us," he said slowly, "I will choose one. I will comply with your demands."

Tex felt his heart jump into his throat as Junji made his way over to Charlotte.

Upon his arrival, Charlotte instructed him to put his hands in the air and walk backwards with her away from the house. She had him stay a foot in front of her, presumably so she could keep her eyes both on him and everyone else.

They were about thirty feet away when Tala raised her hand.

"Did--did you have a question?" Charlotte asked, keeping her pace and focus steady.

"Could you at least, like, tell us your motivation?" Tala replied.

Charlotte squinted.

"My motivations for what?" she wondered.

"Just in general. Are you evil, or...?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Then how do you justify running a pedo ring and stuff?"

Charlotte's attention stayed on Junji, although Tex could tell from her face that she was thinking.

"It's complicated." Charlotte answered.

"You don't feel bad at all, just treating people like cows?"

Charlotte let out a scoff of disgust.

"Humans buy Supreme jackets, drink eight dollar StarBucks, watch the Big Bang Theory reboot, and have children just to replace themselves in an endless cycle of stupidity." she replied. "I'll stop treating them like cows when they stop acting like it."

Tala sucked in a breath.

"Yikes." said Tala.

"What?"

"It's really cringy that you said that out loud."

Tex's heart pounded as Charlotte's face twisted with irritation. It was hard to see with the growing distance between them, but it was clear.

"That's not my problem." Charlotte stated.

"Okay." Tala replied as she began to drum her fingers against her laptop. "So let's say that if I was a professional hacker, and if I used your Bluetooth to get into your private Instagram, I wouldn't find any memes you posted that used the term 'sheeple'?"

"No."

"Your private Instagram at charlottescumweb that also contains pictures of you peeing on a fourteen year old? That I'm about to click on right now and save to the folder that gets publicly released to r/deadmanswitch if my laptop is ever destroyed?"

Although Charlotte's face stayed calm through most of Tala's comment, her eyes widened into saucers at the word 'destroyed'.

Charlotte reached into her pocket and snagged her phone.

It took every ounce of will Tex had not to stare at Junji as Charlotte began to frantically type something into her phone. She did her best to keep her focus forward, but her eyes began to drift downward.

Junji slammed the side of his right hand down on Charlotte's wrist and successfully snatched the remote from her.

"Ahhh!" Charlotte yelped.

She turned her attention back to Junji with haste, but not before he'd thrown the remote as hard as he could back at the house.

It landed about ten feet away from Barton.

"Well." Charlotte said as she grabbed her dagger from her thigh holster. "I was hoping for plan C anyway."

Barton took off for the remote. Tex also broke into a run, although he was more interested in closing the ground between himself and Charlotte.

Jogging to work every day had paid off. He never could have run so fast the year before.

Although Tex was still a good fifty feet away, he could see the focus that passed over Junji's face as Charlotte advanced on him. Tex's interest peaked as he wondered what kind of fighting technique Junji used to deal with knives.

Junji turned and ran.

Charlotte took off in a sprint after Junji. Even though she accelerated quicker, the distance between the two of them began to grow until Charlotte grabbed her dagger by the blade and threw it.

It struck Junji in the back, blade first.

Tex gasped and willed his feet to hit the ground faster as Charlotte caught up to Junji. Although his face was coated in sweat, Junji's expression was almost polite as he returned to his feet and grabbed the dagger from his back.

He'd brandished the dagger and steadied his stance by the time Charlotte got to him. Both their bodies were turned sideways to Tex, with Charlotte on the left. It gave Tex a good view of the fight, but left him unable to assess how bad Junji's back wound was.

Junji slashed once horizontally across Charlotte's torso before jabbing her in the chest.

Both blows landed. Charlotte yelped in pain loud enough that Junji looked caught off guard when she grabbed his right wrist, locked his elbow under her own, whirled a hundred and eighty degrees clockwise, and used her momentum to slam him on his ass all before she was done yelling.

The dagger flew off a few dozen yards into the grass.

Charlotte lept towards Junji and mounted his stomach as her spiders began to fix her wounds. Junji bent his legs against the ground in an attempt for leverage, but Charlotte quickly threaded her own knees around his and locked her ankles.

Her hand was on Junji's throat by the time Tex had caught up to them. From behind, Tex tossed the backpack at Junji's head before wrapping his arms around Charlotte's neck and pulling until they were both on their backs.

"Take it!" Tex yelled to Junji.

Charlotte reached behind her head with her right arm, straight for the hand Tex had behind her neck. She grasped it and started to pull it over her head, but Tex squared his jaw and kept his arm steady with brute strength.

She continued to pull. Tex could tell he was stronger than her, but she was clearly using less energy than him and he wasn't sure how long it would be until his strength ran out.

At the very least, he was buying Junji enough time to roll over and unzip his bag.

After working the zipper down, Junji shoved his hand into his bag with a thick layer of determination over his face. Tex couldn't see what exactly he was reaching for, but he knew that it would be the secret to how they'd get the upper-hand.

Junji pulled out the dime bag of cocaine.

Tex cried out in defeat when his arm gave out. Charlotte pulled and tucked it under her armpit. He did his best to keep his other arm around her neck, but she managed to yank it off with both of her hands and spin out of his grab.

Charlotte kept her attention on Tex, but he only got a quick glimpse of her before she spat into his face.

Tex's eyes closed out of instinct, even though his glasses protected his sight. He grew to resent his instinct a second later when he felt a fist slam against his solar plexus and another against his neck.

"Hah..." Tex managed as the air left his lungs.

The pain was less intense and more stunning as Tex fell to the ground and curled up into a ball with his hands over his head. He still knew that Junji needed help, but all he could focus on was trying to get oxygen back into his system.

There was an audible flurry of motion, and then Tex felt the sensation of someone pulling him away from the pile he was in.

He managed to pry open his eyes just enough to see that the hands around him were Barton's. She managed to retrieve him successfully, as Charlotte seemed more interested in returning to her fight with Junji.

"Huh?" Tex coughed.

"Come on." Barton replied as she tossed him over her shoulder and broke into a jog towards the gate.

Tex's vision began to fade under his lack of oxygen. Although he knew he should be spending all his will into getting his lungs working again, he exerted a good amount of energy twisting his neck and torso around so he could study the fight in as much detail as possible.

Charlotte pounced at Junji, but Junji managed to swing his leg up and kick her in the head. While she touched her face and regained her balance, Junji poured the dime bag over his nostrils and took a deep sniff.

Time slowed down for Tex as the pain on Junji's face started to melt away. After a moment, Junji's brows came together in what Tex could only describe as new understanding.

"You fool! My power has now increased to untraceable levels!" Junji yelled, white powder falling from his face. "All of reality has been unlocked before my eyes! Physically, we occupy the same dimensions, but spiritually--"

Charlotte lunged at Junji again, targeting the hand that was still in his backpack. Junji dropped the bag to the side before her hand could reach him.

She ended up back on top.

"You're gonna--go back for him, right?" Tex managed.

"I'm getting you to safety." Barton replied. "I got a plan, but Junji needs to keep her down."

"Where's Tala?"

"She's bringing the rocket launcher so I could carry you."

"Rocket launcher--ain't gonna do shit."

"Shut up. It'll make sense when it makes sense."

Tex turned his focus back to the fight. Although he was farther than he was before, he could see that Junji was trying and failing to throw off Charlotte's balance by rocking side to side.

"You think I don't have--five lines of coke coursing through my blood right now?" Charlotte managed as she reached for Junji's neck. "You don't have--anything I don't."

Junji trapped Charlotte's right hand against his chest and popped his hips out, forcing her back to arch like a scared cat.

He locked his knees under her thighs.

"That's where you're wrong." Junji replied as he rolled them over. "I had parents that weren't cousins."

The moment he'd gotten on top, Junji aimed a punch at Charlotte's head that looked like it could kill.

Charlotte's spiders began to rush upwards. Tex couldn't tell if she was conscious, considering the amount of distance between them.

Barton continued to jog until she'd reached the gate. Tala was waiting for them, although Tex's vision was clouded with so much grey that he almost didn't notice.

"Did you want this?" Tala asked Barton as she held out the rocket launcher.

"Here, I'll trade you." Barton replied.

Tex was handed to Tala, who dropped him immediately.

"Oof." Tex coughed.

"Are you alright?" Tala wondered.

"Having a hard time--breathing."

Tala pulled out her phone and made a quick search.

"This says you need to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth." said Tala.

Tex sucked in a slow breath.

"...And purse your lips when you're breathing out." she added.

Tex followed the advice and got what felt like his first good breath since he'd been hit.

"Ok, now just don't die or whatever." Tala finished.

As breathing got easier, Tex's attention shifted to Barton. He saw she'd stationed herself about forty feet to the left of Tala and gotten in position to launch a rocket.

Barton touched her ear.

'Junji, you need to find something to keep her in place.' she sent.

'I am keeping her in place.' Junji replied.

'You can do that if you really want to, but I'm sending a rocket her way the minute she stands up whether you're there or not.'

'I read you.'

Tex's vision began to return to him. His ears were quickly filled with the sounds of Junji panting, as Junji was apparently too busy to turn off his ear piece.

Stress bubbled in Tex's chest. He turned his full attention back to Junji, deciding that no matter how gruesome it was, there was nothing he'd rather look at than the sight that would let him assess his best friend's safety.

Junji was still on top of Charlotte. She seemed to have regained consciousness from the way she was struggling, but he'd managed to keep her at bay by slowly and forcefully hammering the daggers from his backpack through her hands and chest and into the ground.

Tex turned back to Barton, having decided he'd rather look at anything else.

'Dallas, he's pinned her. You need to wave him over.'

Tex touched his ear.

"How's a rocket gonna stop her?" he asked into his comm.

'Don't have time to explain. You'll understand when it happens.'

"Hope you're right, cause lord knows I don't got a plan."

Tala helped Tex to his feet. Tex forced himself to turn back to Junji before tapping his ear again.

"Junji, get out of there." he sent.

After giving the knife in Charlotte's left hand a final push, Junji jumped to his feet and turned his eyes in the direction of the gate. His gaze passed over to Barton for a moment before narrowing in on Tex.

'You should have gone after me in court.' he said to Charlotte's body.

Junji broke into a sprint for the gate.

He ran fast enough that Tex was amazed at the amount of energy he'd managed to save. Still, Junji only got about a hundred feet away from Charlotte before she managed to yank one of her hands from the ground.

She got her other arm out even quicker, and managed to stand back up a moment later. Tex jumped at the sudden band and looked over to see that Barton had fired.

Thanks to Barton's positioning, the rocket soared past Junji to Charlotte, who eyed it with indifference before it struck the ground right before her toes.

Both of Junji's feet left the ground when the rocket impacted, presumably in surprise, but he managed to smooth out his stride.

Charlotte's body fell to the ground in several pieces after an explosion of smoke and grassy dirt. A doctor would have called her dead, but Tex wouldn't put it past the spiders to fix her up anyway. He could see hundreds of them scurrying over her body, already working to drag the parts back together, although he only had a second to look before he realized Barton was yelling his ear off through the comm.

'Get over here, dumbass!'

Tex took a quick look around him to realize he was the only one besides Junji who wasn’t on the other side of the gate. From the other side of it, he saw Barton grab a handful of the ground and pull up a large square panel of grass. After a moment of confusion, Tex realized she'd uncovered a trench hole.

Tala hopped into the hole first. Barton gestured to Tex to hurry up, and Tex saw she was holding the detonation remote in her hand.

Tex skidded to a halt and whirled back around upon reaching Barton. Even though he'd already seen confirmation that the rocket hadn't harmed Junji, it was a relief to see he was still running across the yard.

Specifically, Junji was about thirty feet from the gate and running faster than Tex had ever seen him run. Tex made a 'come on' motion with his arms, although he wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish.

"Her bots are out, right?" asked Barton.

Tex looked back at Charlotte's body to remember the hundreds of spiders crawling across her various parts. He could even still see them moving, if he squinted.

"Yeah." he answered.

"Then get in the hole, cause it's time to double tap."

Tex looked into the hole to see it was about ten feet deep, with a four foot by four foot floor. Three of the walls were made of some sort of smooth black metal, while the fourth was built completely of ammo boxes.

Tala waved.

Tex was careful not to squish Tala as he jumped down. When Junji, however, entered a few seconds later, he landed on top of both of them.

Barton hopped in last. From his cramped position on the floor, Tex watched as she slammed the button down on the remote a second after she'd swung the ceiling panel back in place to cover them.

The inside was pitch black without the light from above. Tex barely had time to cover his ears before the explosion.

The boom was long and multifaceted, but it was muffled by the walls. Tex found himself more concerned with a liquid dripping on his chest before he realized it was blood from Junji's back.

Silence fell.

"You guys smell really bad." Tala said.

Tex had to open and close his mouth a few times before he felt able to talk.

"How the fuck are we supposed to get out?" he asked once he'd caught his breath.

"Here, stand up." Barton replied.

"I can't till Junji gets off."

Junji took a stand, and then Tala. Tex had barely managed to situate himself upright before Barton climbed on his shoulders.

Light filled the hole when she pushed the grass panel up.

"You see her?" Tex asked as Barton climbed out.

Upon getting herself situated outside, Barton kneeled over the edge of the hole and reached down so she could pull Tala up. Once Tala had reached the top successfully, the two of them helped Tex climb out, and then Junji.

"I see--what might be a few parts." answered Barton.

Tex took a look for himself to see that Barton's house had completely caved in on itself, and the yard was filled with a pattern of neat craters. There were a few twisted pieces of metal lying in the chunks of grass, which Tex assumed were what was left of Charlotte's zipcar.

"We should book it." he said. "Police will prolly be here any minute."

"Nah, they won't come down here anymore when I do this." Barton replied.

"Junji, are you bleeding?" asked Tala.

"Yes, I am in need of serious medical attention." Junji answered happily.

Considering the fact that Junji was an undocumented immigrant, serious medical attention ended up taking the form of a sewing kit they got from Barton's car and a bottle of jack they also got from Barton's car.

Tex was given the task of helping Junji, as Barton had accused him of being the best sewer.

Junji had lied down flat on the grass while Tex sat above him. Junji's shirt had kept most of the dirt out of his wound, but Tex still poured a generous amount of alcohol over the spot Charlotte's dagger had entered.

"Sorry." Tex muttered.

"Don't be." Junji replied. "I feel alive."

There was something different about Junji's voice and the way he was breathing. He sounded happy, nearly elated. It was a little off putting, but Tex knew it was probably just adrenaline.

"I'm glad you--I'm glad you're alright." Tex managed.

"I would certainly hope so."

Tex winced as he pulled another stitch in Junji's back tight, although Junji only gave a lazy hum.

"How you feeling?" Tex pushed.

"I am regretful she had to die." answered Junji.

"...What?"

"I would've liked the chance to look at her brain."

"Barton might still find a few chunks."

"Hah."

Tex dumped the rest of the alcohol over Junji's back once he'd finished sewing. The two of them returned to Barton and Tala, who’d seated themselves in Barton’s car.

Barton rolled the window down.

"Where we going?" Tex asked.

"I can take you home now, I guess." Barton replied.

Tex was granted into Barton's car once he'd paid his five dollar fee. He just hoped she didn't notice he'd taken it all from her coin jar.

The ride back was silent, but comfortably so. Tex spent every minute of it, as well as every step up the stairs to his apartment thinking about the nap he was going to take.

His room was dark and cold when he got back. But the shower was warm, and Tex had a nice time celebrating his return to living alone by jerking off hard enough to lose consciousness for a few seconds and just narrowly avoid slamming his head against the shower head with enough force to die.

A day passed without incident.

Tala had made Junji message the group chat once an hour to clarify that his injuries hadn't reopened and that he was conscious, but Tex still found himself worried. Which was why after buying a strip of sushi grade salmon, Tex situated himself outside Junji’s front door.

Junji answered his door before Tex had even gotten his third knock in.

"...Howdy." Tex greeted.

Junji's eyes were bright enough to make Tex exhausted.

"Dallas!" Junji replied. "I was just about to leave."

"Do you got a minute?"

"I do. Two and a half of them, to be exact."

"Well, I gotcha this."

Tex handed Junji the box of salmon he'd brought. Junji's eyes widened into perfect circles before he accepted it, which he did with a tiny bow.

Junji took the fish straight to his kitchenette and unwrapped it on the cutting board. Tex followed after him with one eyebrow raised.

"I wish I had more time." Junji said as he began to cut the fish into strips with frightening speed.

"You don't guess you've earned a bre--"

"A break? No. I've been slacking, don't you think?"

As he spoke, Junji lifted a strip of fish to his mouth. His expression quickly turned to one of ecstasy.

"You got hurt." Tex pushed. "I really think you--"

"Try this."

A piece of fish was all but pushed into Tex's face. Tex opened his mouth and bit off a piece, although he quickly grew to regret his actions.

"Do you like it?" followed Junji.

"It--"

"Good. I must go."

"...You gonna be back?"

Junji placed the remainder of the fish in a quart-sized bag and placed it in the fridge.

"You will see me again soon." Junji replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me--"

Junji made his way over to the door as he trailed off. Once he'd put on his coat, he reached into the pocket and pulled out a tiny plastic bag of white powder.

He all but threw the powder at the center of his face before inhaling deep.

"--I must be off." Junji finished.

Junji shut the door behind him, leaving Tex with wide eyes and the feeling that things were about to get a lot more complicated.


	22. The Freeish Market

Tex was a bundle of nerves by the time Wednesday night came around. He’d received no new information, and the only indication he'd gotten that Junji was still alive was an RSVP he’d given to a meeting the next morning.

Tex had only organized the meeting as an excuse to reach out.

There was a chance that Junji would show up to Bianca's meeting, although it seemed unlikely. Tex’s doubts were confirmed when he walked into Bianca's office five minutes late to see no sign of black hair or cotton sports clothing.

His eyes widened, however, to see that Barton had decided to show up.

She was standing by the wine and cheese table next to Luke and Caverly. An unopened bottle of wine was in her hand, the label of which she looked at with disgust.

Tex chewed on the inside of his cheek while he walked over.

"Hell are you doing here?" he asked once he'd gotten in range.

Barton looked up from the wine bottle and placed it back on the table.

"I was gonna go home and jerk off," she answered, "but then I remembered that my house is still being rebuilt."

"Can't jerk off in the bathroom?"

"There's no leg room."

Tex scoffed and scanned the room for Bianca. Once he'd caught her eye, he motioned for her to step off to the side with him.

"Hello." she greeted once they'd settled under the doorframe.

"Hey." Tex replied. "Was wondering what's on the list for today."

Bianca shot a glance at the wine and cheese table before responding.

"We were supposed to discuss where our budget is going, but last time we did that with Barton here she called us all simps for donating to the women's shelter." she answered.

Tex bit the inside of his cheek as the memory passed through his mind.

"We could do jeopardy, like on Tax Day." he suggested.

"I don't have any jeopardy questions. But I think Dan has Trivial Pursuit under his bed."

"Oh."

"Do you want me to grab it?"

"Sure."

Bianca smiled and took off for the hall. Tex pulled a chair up to the wine and cheese table and took a seat.

"What's going on?" Luke asked.

"We're, uh, gonna play a board game." answered Tex. "Grab a chair."

Thankfully, everyone followed Tex's instructions in a timely manner. Tex ended up with Caverly to his left and Barton right across from him.

Sean took the head of the table, directly to Tex's right.

"I thought we were doing budget plans." Caverly said.

"Nah, that's next week." Tex replied.

"Where's Junji?"

"He's--doing something."

"He did a bunch of cocaine and now he's busy all the time." Tala answered, causing Tex to cough.

"Busy with what?" Luke pushed.

"I don't know. Whenever I ask him what he's doing he sends a bunch of cryptic texts about some mystery project."

Tex might have shot Tala a look, had he not been too busy feeling petty that Junji had given Tala more information than him.

"...still in town?" Caverly finished asking.

It took Tex about ten seconds to realize she was looking at him.

"Huh?" he wondered.

"I asked if Lida was still in town." Caverly replied.

"Ah, no. You were right, I should've left that crazy train a long time ago."

On the other side of the table, Tala brought her eyebrows together and scoffed.

"I thought that might be the case." said Caverly. "You look a lot happier."

"Thanks. You look good too." Tex replied.

"I hope so. First trimester's been rough."

"I'm sure. Can't say I don't envy you, though."

"...You can't?"

"Nah, I got some womb envy problems."

Caverly's face lit up as she laughed.

"My parents have been begging us for a baby for years." she continued. "They can't believe we've finally gotten around to it."

"Never got why parents did that."

"It's, uh, common in my family. Younger women give birth, and then her parents raise the baby. That way the baby gets raised by people with more experience, and the mother's body heals much faster because she's young."

Tex's right eyebrow crept up into his bangs.

"I thought we were the same age." he muttered.

"I'm twenty-two."

"...What?"

Caverly turned to Tex to meet his gaze of confusion.

"Oh, were you wondering about these?" she asked as she pointed to her crow's feet. "These aren't wrinkles, they're just a characteristic of my species."

"......What?"

Caverly opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by a clunk when Bianca dropped a large cardboard box on the table.

The box looked like it held more than just Trivial Pursuit.

"I got the games!" Bianca announced.

"What do you have?" asked Tala.

"Uh..."

Bianca began to sift through the games, placing them on the table as she did.

"Risk, Tiddlywinks," she listed, "a bunch of Magic cards, Monopoly--"

"I wanna play Monopoly." Barton cut in.

Before Tex could rightfully express that he'd rather spend a day as someone else's penis than play Monopoly with anyone let alone Barton, Bianca nodded and put the box in the center of the table.

"Man, I haven't played this game since I was a kid." Luke said.

"Hope you got used to losing." Barton replied as Bianca sat down in the chair Tala had gotten for her.

Upon opening the box, Barton pulled the hat token from the dish of monopoly pieces.

Tala got the boat. Bianca grabbed the iron, and then Caverly took the dog. Sean snagged the bag of tiddlywinks.

"Oh boy!" Sean said as he dumped the bag out onto his table space.

The only piece left was the thimble. Secretly, Tex was relieved, as he'd always found the thimble's humble nature to be the most approachable.

"Did you need a piece?" Tala asked Luke.

"We want to play together." Luke answered, jabbing his thumb at Caverly.

"God, you two suck." said Barton.

The game had thankfully been pre-organized the last time it had been put away, so set-up was easier than it might have been. Tex placed the community chest cards neatly on their space. His satisfaction, however, was undermined when the card directly below the one on top slid slightly out of uniform with the others.

"How much money are we all supposed to get?" he wondered.

"I wanna be banker." Barton announced as she snagged the bank and dragged it over to her side of the table.

"...Alright."

"Cool. Let's go."

Tex grabbed the dice while Barton passed them each fifteen hundred dollars of colorful bills.

"Who wants to go first?" asked Tex. "Tala?"

"Me first." Barton replied. "Me."

"Calm down. We're all gonna get the same number of turns."

"That's only true if we play for an amount of turns that's a multiple of how many of us are playing. Otherwise, people who go last will have one less turn."

"...I mean I--guess."

No one replied, and Tex did himself a favor by zoning out.

Barton rolled a seven and moved her hat to the chance space. After covering the entire stack of chance cards with her hand, she pulled a roughly cut thin piece of paper from the top that didn't match with the others in the pile.

"Ah, man, it says to go directly to Park Place." she said as she held up the card.

It did say to go directly to Park Place, in crude pencil lettering. Barton moved her hat over to Park Place.

"Is anyone going to stop her?" Luke wondered.

No one replied. Caverly nudged Tex's side.

"Hwat?" Tex replied, thinking about eating pussy.

Caverly tilted her head in Barton's direction. Tex looked over to Barton to see she had a giant pile of money in front of her.

Suspicious, Tex looked over at the bank to see that all the money was gone.

"Barton, did you steal all of the money from the bank?" he asked.

"Nuh uh." she replied as she shook her head no.

Tala sighed and grabbed the dice. After rolling a five, she advanced to the Reading Railroad and bought it for two hundred dollars.

"Am I next?" asked Bianca.

"Guess we'll keep going counterclockwise." Tex replied.

Bianca ended up landing on the same chance space that Barton had. Luke pushed the card stack over to her so she'd have an easier time grabbing one.

_ "Take a trip to B&O Railroad. _" Bianca read. "Okay, I guess I'll do that."

B&O Railroad was about three fourths of the way across the board. While Bianca moved her iron, Tex received a kick under the table.

“Hey Dallas.” Barton stated, aiming another kick at Tex’s shin.

“What?” he replied.

“I’m gonna beat you at Monopoly.”

“That’s nice. Caverly, you two are up.”

Without even a glance between the two of them, Luke and Caverly both picked up the die closest to them and gave it a roll.

Both came up sixes.

"You get to go again if it's doubles." Tala noted while Caverly bought the electric company space they’d landed on.

Luke and Caverly simultaneously took another shot at the dice. This time, they rolled two threes.

"Woah, what are the chances of that?" asked Bianca.

"Actually pretty high." Caverly replied. "We vibrate at nearly identical frequencies."

Tala cleared her throat when Luke and Caverly managed a pair of fours for their third roll.

"Triple doubles. That means you go to jail." Tala explained.

While Caverly moved their dog to the jail space, Luke sighed and handed Barton a fifty dollar bill.

"Hey, that goes to the bank." Tex said when Barton added the money to her pile.

"Yeah." Barton replied. "I am the bank."

"...What?"

"The government said I could control all the money way back in 1913."

As she spoke, Barton grabbed her phone and typed something into Google.

"Hell are you talking about?" Tex asked.

"Here, look."

Tex examined the screen when it was shoved into his face.

"That's about the Federal Reserve." said Tex.

"Uhuh." Barton replied. "Federal Reserve is my middle name."

"Your name is Lucille Federal Reserve Barton?"

"Yeah."

"Ah, fuck off. Your middle name's Conrad, I saw it when we were in Sweden."

"No you didn't. Go back and check."

On the other side of Tex, Sean brought a red tiddlywink between his thumb and forefinger sharply against a blue tiddlywink flat on the table. His face lit up with joy when the blue tiddlywink launched into the air and landed squarely in the cup.

"Tex, it's your turn." Tala said as she pushed the dice in Tex's direction.

Tex rolled a nine and ended up on Connecticut Avenue.

"Guess I'll buy it." he shrugged.

Barton handed Tex the card for Connecticut Avenue. Although it pained him to do so, Tex passed the dice along to her.

"Thank you." said Barton.

In what was either an astonishing stroke of luck or due to the fact that she simply dropped the dice rather than tossing them, Barton rolled snake eyes and was able to advance to Boardwalk.

Once she'd bought it, she grabbed four houses to go along with it and paid herself the money.

"You're really picking yourself up by them bootstraps there, huh." Tex muttered.

"Glad somebody noticed." Barton replied.

Tala rolled a three and Bianca got a five on their respective turns. They both bought the property they landed on, although neither of them were anywhere close to scoring anything meaningful.

"Maybe you two shouldn't roll together." Tala suggested when Luke and Caverly were up next.

"Good idea." Caverly replied.

Luke grabbed the dice, only because they were closest to him. Caverly took a community chest card off the top after he rolled a seven.

"It says to go directly to Boardwalk." she announced as she read off the back of the mismatched card made of paper.

"Barton, stop putting homemade cards in the deck." Luke said.

"Where in the rules does it say I can't make my own cards?" asked Barton.

"We're not going to Boardwalk."

"Fine, then, I'll file you for tax evasion. Then it'll be your fault when the middle class disappears."

With a groan, Caverly moved their dog to Boardwalk.

"Thank you." Barton said as she leaned back in her chair.

"Just tell us how much we owe you." Caverly replied.

"Seventeen thousand dollars."

"...What?"

"Boardwalk, plus monopoly on dark blue plus four houses is seventeen thousand dollars."

"We don't have that much."

"Can't believe you would fail the middle class like that." said Tala.

Barton clicked her tongue and grabbed three five hundred dollar bills from the bank.

"Say." she stated as she toyed with one of the bills. "Could I interest you in a loan?"

The next few turns went exactly how Tex should have expected them to. Barton scored another monopoly on green, and she bought up every space of light blue besides the one Tex already owned.

“Hey Dallas.” Barton repeated, kicking Tex in the foot once again.

“...What.” he replied.

“I’m beating you at Monopoly.”

“Don’t know why you’re telling me this.”

Barton opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by her ringtone. She pulled her phone from her pocket while Tala moved her piece from Park Place to Baltic Avenue.

"...four, five, six." Tala counted. "Okay, I passed Go."

“Yeah, my house blew up.” Barton said into her phone. “What about it?”

Tex could hear a muffled voice on the other end of the line respond to Barton, but he wasn’t able to make out what it said.

“Why do you need me to be there to do repairs?” Barton replied to the voice. “I can’t, I’m playing Monopoly.”

“Barton, I need two hundred dollars.” said Tala.

Tex shot Barton a look, but she still didn’t notice Tala was talking to her.

“What do you mean you don’t understand why I would base all my self worth off this one game of Monopoly?” Barton continued. “What about that doesn’t make sense to you?”

“Barton.” Tex stated.

“Whatever, next month is fine. Just don’t call me again.”

Barton hung up the phone and put it back in her pocket. Tex nudged her foot under the table.

"Huh?" Barton wondered.

"Tala needs two hundred dollars." Tex replied.

Barton looked down at the spot on the table where she'd been keeping her money. Tex followed her gaze to see that all was left was a hundred, a fifty, and a ten.

"Barton, did you loan out all the money?" asked Tex.

"No."

"Hey Barton, thanks for the loan." Bianca said as she held up a five hundred dollar bill. "With this loan you've given me, I can now purchase more goods and services."

Tex turned to Barton to see she was chewing on her lower lip.

"Look, it's good for us." Barton explained. "Now I got the same amount of money that I started with, plus ten percent for every turn that it doesn't get paid."

"How is that good for us?" Tex asked.

"Barton, give me my two hundred dollars." said Tala.

"...Gimme a minute." Barton replied.

Barton climbed out of her chair and made her way over to the corner of the room with the coffee maker. It didn't take Tex long to figure out what she was doing when she opened the printer and placed one of each bill type on the scanner.

When Barton returned, she was carrying thousands of dollars worth of crudely cut out bills.

They didn't even have backs.

"Two hundred and twenty dollars." Barton said as she slapped a few bills on the table space in front of Tala. "Gave you ten percent interest."

"...Thanks." Tala replied.

After taking her terrible money, Tala returned her attention to her boat on Baltic Avenue.

"I guess I'll buy it." she muttered.

"Whoa, where'd you get all that money from?" Barton asked, her eyes lighting up.

"You gave it--"

"Hang on."

Barton pulled a pen out and reached across the board to scribble something. Once she'd pulled her hand away, Tex saw that she'd changed the price of Baltic Avenue from sixty dollars to sixty-six dollars.

"Barton, you can't just raise prices." said Tala.

"Says who?" Barton asked.

"Says Mr. Monopoly."

"Oh, you really gonna trust that guy? He doesn't have pupils."

Tex found his attention drifting to his right, in search of something more pleasant. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Sean launched yet another plastic circle into his cup with a look of delight.

"Having fun there, pardner?" Tex muttered to Sean.

"More fun than you!" Sean answered happily.

"That's for sure."

Tex only gave Barton his attention after she'd kicked him in the foot for the third time.

"What?" he snapped.

"Everyone's going bankrupt, huh." Barton replied.

"This should've ended a long time ago. Stop playing with your food."

Barton responded by kicking Tex in the foot once again.

_ "What?" _ he repeated.

"Check out how much money I got."

Tex looked down at Barton's money pile. He hadn't noticed it before, but he saw that she'd started keeping a written tally of the total amount of money in her possession.

Considering the fact that the amount on her tally was much higher than the amount of money Barton physically had in front of her, Tex assumed that she was also counting the money she was owed.

"It's way more than you have." Barton followed.

"Uhuh."

"Man, how am I doing so well? Guess I'm just objectively better than other people."

"You're not better." Tala snapped. "You're just selfish."

"How's it selfish that I'm perfect? Would a selfish person formulate a plan to force everyone to breed with me so that all babies could be born in my perfect image?"

Bianca cleared her throat and laid her hand in Barton's direction.

"Hey Barton?" asked Bianca. "I need a loan to pay off my loan debts."

"Alright." Barton replied as she stood up from her chair.

"No!" Tex yelped. "No more printing!"

After shooting a look at the printer, Barton sighed and sat back down.

"Here, just--take the money." she said to Bianca as she held out her empty hand.

"There's no money." Bianca replied.

"It's an IOU. Take it."

With an indescribable expression, Bianca took the invisible money from Barton for just a moment before passing it back to her.

Barton put the invisible money in her pocket and added the amount to her paper.

Luke and Caverly went, and then it was Tex's turn. He bit the inside of his cheek when he ended up on yet another one of Barton's spaces.

"What's the damage?" he wondered.

"You owe Barton three thousand dollars." answered Tala.

Tex looked down to where he'd been keeping his money to remember all he had left was two ones and a paperclip.

"If you can't pay in money, I better be seeing some property." Barton said.

The only piece of property Tex still owned was Connecticut Avenue.

"Come on, Dallas." Barton pushed. "You're the only thing in the way of me getting light blue."

Anxiety began to flare in Tex's chest at the thought of Barton scoring yet another Monopoly. He knew that she'd won either way, but he wasn't sure if he could bear it.

"I'm gonna--go to the bathroom." Tex managed.

Tex jumped to his feet and scurried to the door with his eyes straight ahead.

"Hate to see you go," Barton mused as she clunked her feet up on the table, "but don't mind watching you leave."

Tex's eyes narrowed when several people snorted under their breath. Still, he didn't dare turn around.

It wasn't until Tex had gotten to the bathroom that he realized he didn't have to go. Not wanting to seem like a dumbass, he settled on washing his hands for two minutes straight.

His head felt clearer by the time he'd finished.

Tex walked back into Bianca's office and returned to the table to see that Barton was doing even better for herself. Once he'd taken a seat, he craned his neck to read the tally she'd been keeping of her net worth.

According to the log, Barton had been in possession of $14,580 out of the total of $20,580, or seventy percent of the money when the game had started. Currently, however, she had $40,470 out of the total of $47,500, or eighty-five percent of the money.

Tex looked up just in time to see a tiddlywink soar through the air and land squarely in Tala's plastic cup of wine.

"Sean." Tex whispered, turning to his right.

"Hmm?" Sean replied.

"How would you feel about letting me borrow some of your pieces for a--plan?"

"Depends. How chaotic is your plan on a scale of inventing a new type of hiccups to forgetting where your mouth is?"

"Which way--which way do that scale go?"

Tex was given the entire cache of tiddlywinks.

After Tex had eyeballed the stash to estimate that there were about thirty plastic circles, he began to group them into piles of six. He kept his head down, but it wasn't long until he caught attention.

"What are those?" Bianca wondered.

"Oh, what, are y'all still using paper money?" Tex asked in response as he fought against his smile.

Bianca's eyes widened with interest.

"I thought I was, but then you made it sound really lame." she replied.

"And I got a point." Tex continued. "Think about it. Why should you be a debt slave to paper when you can not be a debt slave to a bunch of circles backed by the plastic standard?"

Tex's response was met with a collective 'ooh'.

"I need it now!" Caverly shouted, slammed her fist against the table hard enough to shake it.

Tex nodded and began to pass out the piles of disks. He wasn't sure if he should give any to Barton or not, but the choice was made for him when she didn't make a grab for one.

"What do you think you're doing?" Barton asked him under her breath.

Tex flicked his eyebrows in response.

"Who's turn is it?" Luke wondered.

"Bianca's." answered Tala.

After scooping her new money into a neat pile, Bianca grabbed the dice.

Tex frowned to remember Barton still owned half of the board. And as probability would have it, Bianca's iron ended up on one of Barton's spaces.

"Guess it doesn't matter if you got plastic circles," Barton said, folding her hands behind her head, "because I'm about to have them all."

Sean reached across the table and brought a stray tiddlywink between his fingers down on Bianca's iron, launching it into the air.

It landed on the unowned Short Line Railroad.

"I think I'll buy it." Bianca announced with a smile.

Barton jerked forward so quickly that her chair squeaked.

"What?" she managed. "You can't just change the rules like that."

"And what're you gonna do about it?" Tex replied.

Barton's eyes were as narrow as Tex's as they stared each other down. After Tex counted fifteen of his own heartbeats, Barton's mouth began to twist with consideration.

She reached into her pocket and grabbed her pistol.

"Whoa!" Luke shouted alongside Bianca's scream.

Although everyone else's hands shot into the air, Tala kept hers at her side.

"Are you really going to shoot us?" Tala asked, her tone flat.

Barton looked down at the tip of her pistol with a frown.

"...No." she sighed as she put the gun back in her pocket.

Everyone's hands slowly began to relax. Tex was the first to sit back down at the table, and everyone followed his example.

Barton crossed her arms over her chest after she'd sunk back in her chair.

"I guess it's my turn." Tala said, grabbing the dice when Bianca passed them to her.

Tala rolled an eight, which put her on New York Avenue. Tex quickly examined everyone's cards to see that Luke and Caverly owned the space.

"Are you going to make me pay rent?" Tala asked Luke.

"Nah, let's just eat some cheese." Luke replied as he dragged the cheese platter towards the both of them.

The next few turns followed the same trajectory, with the five of them avoiding Barton's half of the board. Bianca even came up with the great decision to replace jail with some fruit leather from her purse for them to share.

For the first time in his life, Tex had fun playing Monopoly.

“Man, I wish Junji was here to see us beat Barton.” said Tala.

“ Don’t worry.” Sean replied. “I’m finna gonna text him about it the moment I get home.”

“....Why do you have Junji’s number?” Tex asked.

“Hook-ups, sometimes I let him dispose of dead bodies on my farm--”

“I dunno why I asked.”

Barton watched the board in silence with a blank expression for a solid ten minutes. After Tex had finished working with Luke to establish a public walkway between Saint James Place and Pacific Avenue, he gave Barton a nudge under the table.

"You're sure taking this better than I expected." he muttered to her.

Barton stayed silent for a moment before responding.

"Yeah, well, it's fun to finally see your true color come out." she said slowly.

"...Color?" Tex wondered.

"Yeah. Red."

Tex's eyes widened until they were as round as the tiddlywink between his fingers.

"Just saying." Barton followed, pausing for a moment to look at the Monopoly board covered in property cards, tiddlywinks, and cheese. "I know communism when I see it."

Although he was still in his chair, both of Tex's feet managed to leave the ground.

"Woah, Tex, are you alright?" asked Bianca.

Time slowed down for Tex as his blood turned to ice. His heart hammered against the inside of his ribcage, painfully so.

"I have to go." Tex said loudly in response. "Just remembered."

"Alrigh--"

"I need to take the Monopoly board."

After scooping the cards and tiddlywinks into an unorganized pile, Tex dumped them back into the box and began to fold the board back along its creases. The lid of the box didn't go down all the way when he smushed everything back together, but he figured it was good enough.

"See y'all next Wednesday." he said as he power walked out of the room.

Tex's blood was still pumping as he climbed the stairs to his apartment. He momentarily considered leaving the Monopoly box somewhere in the stairway so he wouldn't have to look at it again, he found himself unable to on the off chance that it was sentient.

He hid the box under his sink once he'd gotten back to his room.

Tex sat down on his couch and breathed a sigh of relief just in time for his phone to buzz. He quickly pulled it from his pocket in the hopes that it was Junji, but found it was Tala instead.

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
** you are the lamest person ive ever met

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** whatd i do?

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
** you can't keep letting people beat you just cause they call you a communist

Tex frowned in consideration before deciding to not to think about it.

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** i don't see why it matters to you

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
** like a wise man once said, 

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
**

There’d been many times throughout his life that Tex had wished he'd never been forced to leave his ranch, but never before had he felt the urge so strongly.

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** makes me want to go hunting

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
** these are crinklers and you support their right to practice their lifestyle

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** whenever you send me this stuff it brings up a lotta questions

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** what percentage of people are doing this?

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** what has to happen to you to make you want to?

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** is it possible to live a healthy life doing all that stuff?

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** how do they use the diaper if its on the outside of the costume?

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
** you think i haven't asked myself these questions

**To Gamer Gril** **  
** why do you make me look at this stuff

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
** i'm not sure how to explain it

** From Gamer Gril ** **  
** it makes the pain i feel of looking at it go away somehow

Tala's response seemed a little selfish, but Tex didn't know what he'd been expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note--I know I'm shying dangerously far from death of the author by saying this, but I feel I need to say it anyone. Although I do support the inherent idea of people revolting by willingly switching to alternative monetary systems, that doesn't necessarily mean I would support every single kind of monetary reset, particularly one that is global or ostracizes those who don't accept it or seems suspiciously theistic. Obviously I don't think poorly of people who disagree with me and I don't want to declare myself as too much of an expert, but I want to make it clear that I personally don't support every person in the world being under the same monetary system, even if that system presents itself in the form of a reset.


	23. What's Junji Up To?

"Junji's late." Tala announced.

"Yeah, I noticed." Tex replied.

It was Thursday morning, the time of the meeting that Junji had said he’d come too. Tex found himself more and more anxious with each minute that passed.

"Maybe he’s dead." said Barton.

"Why would you say that?" Tex choked.

"What, he's always doing shit with black markets and killing people. That's how you fucking die."

"Could I interest you in changing the subject?”

With an empty shrug, Barton jammed a cigar in her mouth and lit it with a pocket lighter.

The thump of feet behind the closed door turned Tex’s attention to it. The door opened, and Junji rushed into the room with an outstretched briefcase and a whirl of papers.

Junji had apparently chosen to ditch his cotton sports clothes for a suit and loafers. There were bags under his eyes, although he looked as awake as ever.

"My apologies." Junji greeted as he bolted to the coffee maker. "I was in Afghanistan this morning, and I lost track of time."

"Why were you in Afghanistan?" asked Tex.

"Several reasons. There was a deal I needed to close, and a contract I needed to finalize. I had also just come from a successful heist in Iraq, so I thought it best to--" 

Junji paused for a moment to stare at the clock on the wall. When the second hand reached ten, Junji stepped two feet to the right.

The sound of plaster cracking and panels coming loose was heard as a man plunged knife-first through the ceiling.

"--go to Afghanistan next." Junji finished.

Upon noticing he'd missed his target, the man who’d fallen from the ceiling swore in a language Tex didn't recognize and reached for a gun on his hip. Barton looked mildly put off when Tex was able to reach into his pocket for his pistol and shoot the assassin several times in the head a half second before her.

Tala coughed.

"I got some questions." Tex said as he gestured to the dead man.

"As do I." Junji replied. "Firstly, how can we make the most use of the body?"

Tala raised her hand.

"Soup kitchen." she offered.

"Excellent idea, Tala." said Junji. “But the soup kitchen would never accept a dead body, so we're now faced with the question of ‘is it worth our time to prepare his body into several inconspicuous meat pies for the shelter’."

"No, because it would be faster and more cost-efficient probably to donate the same amount of normal food as we could make from his body." 

"Excellent point, but you fail to consider how offering this man's flesh directly as charity will have the added benefit of honoring him."

"Yeah, but what  _ you _ fail to consider is if his dead body possesses any more of his honor than a cheaper, healthier meat. Like he's dead, if he had a soul it probably doesn't give a shit about his skin suit anymore."

Junji touched his chin.

"You've bested me." he said as he left the room. "I will return after I've bought eighty kilograms of meat and made use of them properly."

Two pairs of eyes turned to Tex the moment Junji had closed the door behind him.

"Tex." Tala stated.

"Hwat?" Tex replied.

"I think you should check on Junji."

Tex glanced back at the door before responding.

"Why?" asked Tex.

"We need to find out what he's planning." Tala explained.

"I don't wanna get involved."

"I don't know if you've noticed, but Junji's plans tend to affect our lives." 

"If he's in the Middle East, he's probably doing something with the aliens." Barton said.

Tex's mouth opened slightly, his jaw threatening to come unhinged.

"You believe in aliens?" he asked.

"Yeah." answered Barton. "I learned about them in the army."

"Why did you never tell us about the aliens?" Tala replied.

"They eat and shit and blow stuff up like the rest of us, I didn't think it was worth mentioning."

Tala coughed.

"Do everybody in the military know about the--aliens?" Tex wondered.

"No, just my rank and up." Barton replied.

Tex blinked.

"It's simple." Barton followed. "When I was a private, I learned that we were messing around in the Middle East to deal with some Islamic terrorist guy. When I was a Corporal, I learned that we were just getting oil. Then when I was a Sergeant, I learned that we were actually working with the Middle Eastern government for an excuse to raise tax dollars for military spending in both our countries. But now I'm a retired Lieutenant, and I learned that it's all just cause we're part of some intergalactic treaty or something."

"...Were there any ranks above you?" asked Tala.

"A couple, yeah."

"Have you considered that you might still be wrong?"

"No."

Tex scoffed when a wave of irritation carrying an unpleasant memory hit him in the chest.

"God, you sound like Lida." he said. "She--"

Tex was interrupted when Tala and Barton both started to groan.

"I was wrong. This part of the cycle's worse than the last part." Barton muttered.

"Huh?" Tex replied.

"You've been complaining about Lida for three days." Tala explained. "Call her or shut up."

Tex put his hand over his chest and winced.

"Christ, you're breaking my heart." he replied.

Barton didn't respond. Tala only shrugged.

"Like Lida did." Tex blurted.

"Get a job." said Barton.

As she spoke, Barton took the cigar out of her mouth and snubbed it on her arm. Tex raised an eyebrow when she immediately pulled out a second one.

"You should go easy with those things." he said as Barton lit the new cigar.

"I like to get hooked on them so I can quit." she replied.

By the time Junji had returned from the soup kitchen, they still hadn't moved the body.

"Did you three do nothing while I was gone?" Junji asked as he sat down at the table.

"We talked about you." answered Tala.

"What should we do with the body?" Tex wondered.

Tala snapped her fingers.

"I'll call Sean to pick me up." she said. "He lives on a pig farm."

"Use the industrial elevator, that way you won't get caught." Barton offered.

Tala nodded and took her jacket off. She then put in on the floor and lifted the dead man onto it so she could drag him along the carpet.

“Gross.” she muttered.

She managed to pull him to the door, although her laptop bag fell off her shoulder.

"Oh." said Tala. "Can someone get that?"

Tex picked Tala's bag off the floor. It wasn’t very large, so he simply added it to his own bag.

"Thanks." she followed. "Just give it back next time you see me."

“You need any help with the body?” Tex replied.

“No, that’s okay.”

Once Tala had gotten out the door, Junji shot a look through the window.

"It's been a pleasure." Junji said to the two of them. "I must go."

Junji got up to leave, but Barton stayed put. Tex remembered the conversation they'd all had before Junji had returned.

Tex followed Junji out the door.

"Hello." Junji said, slowing down for just the tiniest moment to let Tex catch up to him.

"Howdy." Tex replied. "You, uh, you look like you're having fun."

"I am very much having fun. I've optimized my schedule so I can complete four to eight tasks at once and I've redirected seventeen assassins sent to kill me to the Buddhist Monastery."

As he spoke, Junji reached into his pants pocket and pulled out an entire eight-ball of cocaine.

"Woah!" Tex yelped.

"My apologies, I'm coming down."

As Junji worked the bag open, Tex found himself filled with dread.

"Junji?" he asked.

"Yes?"

Junji's eyes were wide with pleasant anticipation.

"You shouldn't be doing this to yourself." said Tex.

"Doing what?"

"Coke."

Tex looked over just in time for the smile to drop from Junji's face.

"I'm getting a lot of work done." Junji explained.

"And you're screwing up your brain. It ain't worth it."

"I am willing to sacrifice anything for my work. My mind falls under this category."

Although he knew the hall was empty, Tex shot a look behind them to make sure there was no one in earshot.

"If you're gonna sacrifice yourself, sacrifice yourself." Tex muttered. "But you better not make me watch you drag it out."

Junji stared at the white baggie in his hands in silence as they made their way down the stairs. Tex watched Junji's features out of the corner of his eye to see that his expression was stuffed to the brim with concentration.

He put the bag back in his pocket. 

"I suppose that copious amounts of neurocain could eventually lead to hallucinations." Junji noted.

"I'm, uh, glad you recognize that."

Tex's words left his mouth alongside his exhale of relief. But after shooting another glance at Junji's face, his anxiety threatened to flare up once again.

"I can handle the withdrawal symptoms." Junji said in a somber tone. "But I have a greater worry."

"What?"

"How I will cope with the memories. I've never been so elated before, and I fear the rest of my life will feel bleak by comparison."

Tex tried to think of a reply, but he didn't have any way to relate to the situation. 

"Wait here." Junji ordered.

Junji bolted back up the stairs in the direction of the office. A good five minutes later, he reappeared with a blank expression and an upside-down note safety pinned to his shirt.

Tex wasn't sure what he'd been doing, as only Barton was still in the office.

"Oh, hello." Junji greeted as a smile broke across his face.

"...What did you do?" asked Tex.

Confusion covered Junji's expression as he gave Tex a glance up and down. His focus, however, shifted when he noticed the note on his shirt.

Junji grabbed the bottom of the note and tilted it upwards so he could read it.

_ "I, Junji Tagawa, am writing this letter to myself to inform myself that I've had Barton wipe the last four days of my memory in an attempt to soften the blow of cocaine withdrawals. _ " Junji cited.  _ "I’ve also written a log of everything I've done over the past few days that you need to know, which you can find inside your vaginal cavity, below the miniature poison dagger and above the Lord of the Rings extended edition DVD box set. _ "

"...What?" 

Junji's smile broke into a laugh.

"I'm kidding!" he said. "The box set was a joke. It's really an ounce-sized emergency smoke grenade."

They ended up walking back to the apartment complex together. Thanks to Tex's inability to remember his promise to Tala, he found himself discussing whether Chairman Mao or Troskey would win in a fist fight with Junji until they'd gotten to the staircase.

It wasn't until Tex was getting ready for bed that he remembered he was supposed to investigate. 

He decided to check in on Junji the next afternoon. Junji was probably starting to feel the withdrawal effects, so Tex figured it would have been good for him to swing by anyway.

Tex sent Junji a text he was coming and managed to wait five minutes for an answer before he decided to just come down and knock on Junji's door.

Junji answered the door with two heavy eyes and a cup of applesauce.

"Howdy." Tex greeted.

"Hello." Junji replied. "What are you doing here?"

Tex had never heard Junji speak so slowly.

"You doing alright?" answered Tex. "I wanted to make sure you were doing alright after the whole--cocaine thing."

"Oh, thank you. Truthfully, I am a bit winded."

Junji stepped aside, allowing Tex access into his room.

His room was messier than Tex had last seen it. Still not anywhere near as cluttered as a normal person's place of living, but it was an alarming sight nonetheless.

Junji took a seat on his couch and peeled back the foil on the applesauce cup with a trembling hand.

"You, uh," Tex stammered, "you been busy?"

"I have taken on a great deal of responsibility."

"...Need any help?"

Junji stuck his tongue into the applesauce before answering.

"Do you mean that?" he asked. "I could use some labor."

"Sure. Got nothing going on."

"Very well. Would you mind sitting down at my desk?"

Junji's desk was about six feet away from his couch, both of them facing the shaded window. Tex plopped his bag down on the floor between them and took a seat in the chair in front of Junji's computer.

He wiggled the mouse to reveal a fresh Google Chrome tab. 

Tex switched the language from Japanese to English so he could know what was going on. When Junji failed to get the applesauce at the bottom of his cup with his tongue, he tilted his head up and tapped on the plastic back.

"I've done most of the work already, and now I just need to increase my net worth by one percent." Junji explained.

"Alright."

"Click on the first bookmarked site. It will take you to my trading home page."

Tex followed the instructions and clicked the icon. As someone who had stolen several thousand dollars worth of nickels and ballpoint pens in his life, Tex had good faith in his ability to manage risk.

His mouth came open with a tiny pop when the page loaded in.

"Whoa!" Tex shouted.

"What?"

"You're worth--seventeen quadrillion dollars?"

"Yes, and I need you to put ten percent in Ethereum. It's a crypto currency I've been watching for months."

Tex's wrists began to shake as he considered his task. Junji was either going to make or lose at least trillions more than Tex had ever even had his hands on.

"Did you put it in Ethereum?" asked Junji.

"No I panicked and put all your money into limited edition Chuck E. Cheese tokens with JFK Junior's face on them!"

It took Junji a few long seconds to reply. Tex counted six of his own frantic inhales.

"How's the market?" Junji wondered.

"Oh, god, it's plummeting."

"Then I suggest you take it out."

With a whimper, Tex converted all of Junji's money back to USD before throwing a hand over his eyes. He looked back at the screen through his fingers to assess the damage.

"You...what the hell?" Tex managed.

"What?" Junji replied.

"You--reached your goal of a one percent increase."

"Very good. We are done, in that case."

"You even went a little over. How's that possible if the JFK coins went down?"

"It seems the dollar went down faster."

It took about ten minutes for Tex's heart to resume pumping blood at its standard pace. By that time, Junji had gone through seven cups of applesauce.

"Sorry I got so nervous back there." said Tex.

"I understand. It was a heavy task to ask of you."

"Yeah, can't say I've dealt with so much money before."

Junji let out a weak chuckle. Tex did his best to push his temper down when he was struck with a sudden memory.

"Lida sure as hell didn't let me get anywhere close when we were married." he followed. "You know, she talked and talked about how I needed to get paid more, but she'd never let me handle fifteen cents in a million years."

"Do you always steer conversations so you can speak poorly of your ex-wife after you end things with her?"

Junji's expression stayed empty as Tex managed to collect himself.

"I don't..." he trailed off. "Look, can't I be happy that I'm not in that--relationship anymore?"

"Why are you so angry with her?"

Tex surprised himself when he was hit with a sudden wave of exhaustion that refused to be ignored.

With a wince, he began to rub his temples.

"I don't know." Tex admitted.

There was a shuffling behind him. Tex looked over his shoulder to see that Junji had grabbed his bag and fished out Tala's things.

"Would you like to find out?" Junji asked as he held out the adapter.

Since there were only two of them, Tex ended up having to stick both the green cord and one of the blue cords to his forehead. After the both of them had entered the train car without incidence, Tex put his hand on the window alongside Junji's.

The window popped to life with the first person perspective through Tex's own eyes. But because Tex was staring at the screen, it only showed a slightly smaller version of the screen, which showed a slightly smaller version of the screen, which showed a slightly smaller version of the--

Tex turned his eyes to the floor to end the madness. 

"I have opened the executive function roadmap." said Junji.

Tex looked back at the window to see a map of interlocking lines. It looked similar to the one that had shown up for Barton, and Tex didn’t see anything special about it.

"What do we do now?" he asked.

"I'm not sure. Why don't you try, thinking of Lida as a concept?"

Tex gnawed at the inside of his cheek while he followed Junji's advice. When the anger hit him, the map began to zoom in on itself until it had reached a patch of triangles. 

  
[(larger version)](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/531303348549451781/711315501099515964/roadmap_tex.png)

Tex couldn't believe what he was looking at.

"Are you aware that this is absolute nonsense?" Junji asked.

"I'm aware that it's--something."

"I don't understand your strange obsession with fault."

"What'd you mean?"

There was a minor lull in the conversation when Junji took a few seconds to answer.

"She clearly has emotional issues, and you clearly have emotional issues. When these issues come together, they can't help but to create something unstable." Junji explained. "Who do you expect me to blame for that, God? The tissue that makes up your brain?" 

"What--issues?"

"I don't know. I've not taken the time to methodically search through every second of your childhoods."

Tex ran his tongue over the tiny bite marks in his cheek. Junji was making perfect sense, and there was only one nitpick that Tex managed to think of.

"What about when she stabbed me in the kidney?" asked Tex.

Junji's mouth twisted to the side.

"I suppose that is morally unjustifiable." he replied.

With a tiny sigh, Tex shook his head.

"Look, I get your point." he said. "I should--"

Tex cut himself off when the road map began to shift again.

  
[(larger version)](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/531303348549451781/711315471667953714/roadmap_tex2.png)

The sudden wave of relief that Tex felt was overwhelming. 

He couldn't believe he'd had such a terrible argument inside him the whole time. He wondered for a moment how it had managed to develop in him, although he suspected it was most likely from an old mixture of adolescent confusion and specific cases.

"Damn." Tex said as he popped the suction cup off his head.

Junji removed his own cup and joined Tex back in reality. 

"I am pleased I could help you." he replied.

After putting the adapter back with the rest of Tala's things, Junji plopped back down on his couch. Tex returned to his spot in Junji's computer chair, as Junji was too slumped over to allow for much room.

"What do you reckon I do?" asked Tex.

Junji hummed in consideration.

"I think that you should communicate to her what you've learned today, without placing or accepting blame." he answered.

"She's gonna be real mad it took me so long." 

"Then I think you two should spend time apart, until you've both managed to not hate each other."

"...Alright."

"And then I think, once or twice a year, you should meet up to have sex."

Tex barked out a laugh of amazement. But to his surprise, he found himself rolling Junji's suggestion over in his mind.

He doubted Lida would go for it.

"Lastly," Junji continued, "I feel the need to mention that if you were ever to record these encounters--"

"No." Tex replied.

"I'd like you to know that I would be interested--"

"Nope."

"I would consider paying some amount of money to--"

"No." 

Junji let out a lazy chuckle.

"So be it." he replied. "If you need me, I'll be in my office."

As he spoke, Junji curled up into a ball and shoved his face into an adorable Pikachu plushie.

“Just wondering.” said Tex. “Do you got any idea why I might not be alright with you seeing something like that?”

“I do not.”

When Junji's breathing started to slow in seconds, Tex began to wonder if he'd fallen asleep or simply blacked out. 

Tex turned back to the computer screen. He let out an amused hum and gave Junji's obscene net worth one more glance before he closed the Chrome browser he was in.

Under the browser was a Word document.

Tex knew he should turn his eyes away. And he most definitely would have, had he not seen his own name.

He wasn't sure he was doing the right thing, but he was suddenly too curious to care. So after shooting Junji's curled up form on the couch a look to make sure he was still out cold, Tex turned to the screen and began to read.

Tex minimized the page and reached into his pocket for his emergency joint.

The rush of dread that hit him was hard to deal with. But he felt no anger at Junji, for the same reason he would feel no anger at a stray cat who ate his pet fish.

He was, however, angry with himself. He could remember many times when he'd helped Junji with various schemes, but very few times when he'd asked any questions. He'd been the one to kill Max Wells. He'd been the one to drive Junji to his business plans. He'd been the one who'd bought seventeen quadrillion dollars of limited edition Chuck E. Cheese coins with JFK Junior's face on them. 

He knew he had to do something. Considering Junji's radical competency, he surely would have a frighteningly high probability of success with his plans if unchallenged.

Tex stepped away from the computer and walked out of Junji's apartment in a haze. He found himself going over everything he had at his disposal as he made his way back to his own place. He considered trying to reason with Junji, although it seemed like much too late in the game. He was also certain that Junji could easily outmatch him physically. Tex supposed he could kill Junji in his sleep, although the idea was so horrid that Tex pushed it down for an absolute final option. 

His eyes widened when he realized exactly what he needed to do.

Tex reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. After doing a quick search on Google Maps for Doctor Lofgren, he found her building in a familiar area of Sweden.

He also found her number, which he gave a call the moment he'd gotten to his couch.

The phone rang twice. The first thing he heard on the other end was the sound of Roffe barking his head off.

_ "Det här är Lofgren, vem är det?" _ greeted Dr. Lofgren's familiar voice.

"Hi." Tex greeted. "It's, uh, Dallas. We met a few weeks ago?"

Dr. Lofgren's reply was so energetic that Tex had to hold the phone away from his ear for a few seconds.

_ "...so happy to hear from you! Have you been well?" _

"Been alright."

Tex wasn't surprised when Dr. Lofgren launched into several tales, and he did his best to drop several timely 'uh-huh's.

_ “...then Hitler, who I’ve put inside Winston Churchill’s body, turns to Cleopatra who I’ve put in Frank Sinatra’s body and says-- _ ” 

"That's...uh..." Tex cut in. "I was wondering if you could do me a favor."

_ "I would love to do you favor! What favor?" _

"Is there a chance you could send me one of them--simulations?"

A few seconds of silence passed. Tex found himself wondering how Roffe was doing.

_ "I could send you mp5 file. Did you have a particular simulation in mind?" _

Tex rubbed his forehead with the sudden wish that he'd thought a little longer about how to describe what he was asking for before calling.

"Kinda hard to explain.” he answered. “Junji's, uh, plotting something. I was hoping you could give me a--reality of where he goes through with his plans."

_ "How would I make sure he goes through with plans?" _

"Take me out, I guess. Tell the machine I--went on a mercenary trip or something."

Another chunk of silence passed, although Tex could faintly hear Dr. Lofgren say something in Swedish.

_ "Roffe is viewing the simulation you requested at fifty times speed. _ ” she said to Tex after a minute. _ “He will tell me when there's something of inter--oh, he is calling me over now." _

Tex focused his ears to hear Roffe barking once again.

_ "I'll be back in a moment." _

Dr. Lofgren was gone for a good ten minutes. Tex passed the time by playing an anxious round of minesweeper.

_ "Oh, I see the plan you were speaking of. _ " Dr. Lofgren finally said, with less energy than Tex had ever heard her say anything.

"...Guessing it ain't pretty?"

_ "It is so sad. But I understand why I must send it to you." _

Tex took his phone away from his ear when the text notification played.

** From +46 630-231-39 **   
:'(.mp5

Dr. Lofgren ended the call about a minute later, after making Tex promise to give her an update sometime in the days that followed.

Tex emailed himself the download link that Dr. Lofgren had sent him so he could view it on his computer. After he sat down in his chair and started up the video from his email, he began the process of learning about the future he knew he needed to prevent.


	24. Kill the Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter lol
> 
> part 2 coming soon

** 2079--MÖRK TIDLINJE, SIMULERAD AV VITA LOFGREN **

  
Junji tapped his fingers against the table space in front of him as he tried not to think about his life too hard.  
He pulled his phone out of his bag. The council was still only half seated and talking amongst themselves, so Junji figured he had enough time to make a request even though he knew it would likely make the grey stripes on the sides of his head even wider.

**To Gamer Gril**  
Hello.

Tala replied almost immediately, as she always did.

**From Gamer Gril**  
what do you want

Junji frowned.

**To Gamer Gril**  
I'm sorry.

**From Gamer Gril**  
look, i'm not mad that you like, enslaved everyone

**From Gamer Gril**  
its just that since you left and tex went on that missionary trip and barton died in the war trying to overthrow you and stuff, i had to replace you with randos

Junji winced at the stab of pain between his ribs that Tex's name brought him.

**To Gamer Gril**  
I'm sorry.

**From Gamer Gril**  
just tell me what you want. is this a booty call?

**To Gamer Gril**  
I haven't had an orgasm since 2074

**From Gamer Gril**  
oof

**From Gamer Gril**  
then I'm assuming you want to see the screen of the pain finder thing

**To Gamer Gril**  
Yes.

**From Gamer Gril**  
i can send it to you, but I can tell you now it probably won't be super inspiring to you or anything

Junji exhaled and ran his thumb between his eyebrows.

**To Gamer Gril**  
How bad is it?

**From Gamer Gril**  
there’s more pink than there was the last time you asked

**To Gamer Gril**  
Be specific.

**From Gamer Gril**  
if I measured discomfort in paper cuts, the amount of discomfort felt yearly per person would be about

**From Gamer Gril**  
712000+10950x1+.0001x

**From Gamer Gril**  
with ‘x’ being the number of years since 2073

**From Gamer Gril**  
and yes i accounted for population growth

**To Gamer Gril**  
Hmm...

**From Gamer Gril**  
if it makes you feel better it was already getting worse at a similar rate since waaaay before you took over

**From Gamer Gril**  
and it's not like all those horrible things you profited off of that you haven't been able to fully eliminate weren't already there before

"Mr. Tagawa, would you please stop texting in the center of your own courtroom?" a woman's voice asked.

Junji looked over to the judge to see she was giving him a patronizing glare.

"Yes. My apologies." Junji replied as he put his phone back in his bag and placed his bare elbows on the table space in front of him.

It had been a while since he'd been in court, and he recognized almost no one in the room. He'd gotten in the habit of demoting his direct underlings, as he could never take their horrendous drives to suck-up.

"Mr. Tagawa." the judge said with a sigh, and the council stopped talking amongst themselves. "We have gathered here today to address the claim you've made against David Herman, your Chief Financial Advisor."

Junji had been given a view of the entrance to the hallway and his opponent David Herman, who was sitting on a lower platform next to the judge.

Herman looked as bored as he was confused to be there.

"Yes." Junji stated.

"Would you, for the purpose of clarity," the judge continued, "like to restate that claim?"

Junji nodded.

"David Herman has broken regulation twenty-three ten in only the most egregious way imaginable." he answered. "I wish to have him removed from office at once."

"Mr. Herman." the judge replied. "Will you please present your qualifications?"

Herman reached halfway to where his front pocket would have been before remembering he, like everyone else in the room, was naked. A moment later, he pulled his wallet out of the bag on the table in front of him.

"Here's my ID, and my Lofgrenian compass results." Herman answered, turning his cards so that the room could see.

Although Junji was a good twenty feet away, he was interested enough in the Lofgrenian compass results to squint until he could see them.

Dr. Lofgren had not approved of the Lofgrenian compass.

"Thank you, Mr. Herman." said the judge. "Tell me, do you believe you've broken regulation twenty-three ten?"

"No." Herman replied.

The judge wrote something down on a paper in front of her and hit it with a few stamps. Junji doubted that Herman truly wasn't aware of the rules he'd broken, but he kept his hands folded together.

"Tagawa." the judge pushed. "What evidence can you provide for Herman having broken regulation twenty-three ten?"

"This financial report." Junji answered as he pulled the paper packet from his bag. "I received it from Herman several days ago to discover an unauthorized profit of seventeen trillion credits. Upon further examination, I found that the profits came from an overcharge of fines."

"Regulation twenty-three ten states that in the case of an accidental or otherwise illegal pregnancy, both parents will be fined twenty percent of their yearly earnings with ten percent yearly interest. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Herman, do you believe you've fined anyone unlawfully?"

"No." Herman repeated.

Junji did his best not to scoff. An assistant took the paper report from him and brought it over to the judge, who put on a tiny pair of glasses to examine it.

"If what you're saying is true, how do you explain where these seventeen trillion credits came from?" asked the judge.

Herman returned the judge's stare with a sort of half-hearted shrug.

"I...invented a regulation loophole?" he replied.

Along with everyone else in the room, the judge nodded and let out a breath of new understanding.

"For the purpose of legalities, could you please tell us which regulations you've exploited for your loophole?" the judge continued.

"Regulations twenty-three fourteen and twenty-three ten." answered Herman.

"And will you explain how your loophole functions? If your loophole passes the loophole requirements, we will add it to the list of acceptable loopholes."

"Of course. May I use the board?"

"Very well."

_'List of accepted loopholes?'_ Junji mouthed.

An assistant quickly wheeled a vertical whiteboard over to Herman and handed him a black marker. Herman took a seat on the side of his table and began to write.

"Regulation twenty-three fourteen states that if the combined income of two parents is less than a hundred thousand credits per year," he started, raising his voice, "they will be given a zero interest loan to reach one hundred thousand credits each year until their child is old enough to attend federally provided schooling. Is this correct?"

The judge looked at Junji.

"Yes." Junji replied.

"And as we've established," Herman continued, "regulation twenty-three ten states that in the case of an accidental or otherwise illegal pregnancy, both parents will be fined twenty percent of their yearly earnings with ten percent yearly interest."

"Yes, I remember writing it."

"Now. Let's say the combined income of a family is fifteen thousand credits a year.”

Herman turned away from the board, giving the room a good view of what he'd written.

  
_ 1) 15,000 credits a year  
2) +loan of 85,000 credits brings yearly earnings to 100,000 credits  
3)20% of 100,000 is 20,000, giving us an initial 5,000 credit profit in addition to interest made _

  
The council began to whisper to each other and compare papers. A man near the end of the room left his seat to mutter something to the judge, who listened to his words with interest.

"After consulting the regulation loophole regulations, we've concluded that your loophole passes the loophole validity requirements and will be added to the list of approved under-the-table loopholes." the judge announced.

The judge grabbed an official piece of parchment from under her table and began to stamp it.

“The fine that citizens pay for accidental pregnancies should be calculated before the loan is applied.” Junji said through his teeth.

More whispering was passed around the room, louder this time.

"The regulation never specifies that." the judge replied.

"Why would my regulation specify that?" asked Junji. "Why would you think to define a flat loan as an earning?"

Junji's question was met with unanimous laughter.

"It's within our best interest." the judge explained.

"I think that Tagawa just might not understand the potential of the situation." Herman said with a jab of his thumb. "Calculating the fine rates after the loan is counted towards their yearly earnings significantly increases the amount of compound interest--"

"Compound?" Junji spat. "You're using compound interest!?"

A few council members in the front row flinched, but everyone else just looked amused.

"Do you have a problem with that?" the judge asked blankly.

"Regulation ten fifteen specifies a ban on compound interest." Junji replied.

"Ten fifteen specifies a ban on interest compounding weekly, monthly, or yearly. Which is why we've been compounding interest bimonthly."

Junji had to give a few empty coughs before he felt able to speak.

"Why would you do this?" he managed.

"We thought it was what you wanted." the judge replied.

"Do you think me a demon spawn? Why would I want you to create an underclass of debt slaves!?"

Herman let out an amused hum and gave each side of the room a cocky glance.

"Look at it this way." he started. "We're only in charge of one planet right now. But the more we monetize the system we have now, the sooner we can expand our influence to other plan--what are you writing?"

_"Regulation twenty-three ten point five._" Junji read aloud as he scribbled. _"In the case of an accidental or otherwise illegal pregnancy, the calculation of yearly income in regards to twenty-three fourteen's twenty percent fine cannot include any government mandated--._"

"Excuse me, Tagawa," the judge cut in, "but regulation twelve thirteen states that any proposed new regulations must be first approved by the Grand Overseer--"

"I am the Grand Overseer."

"--as well as approved by the Grand Council."

Junji found himself unable to speak. In his wildest thoughts, he'd never imagined that a human being could even be capable of doing something as bizarre or revolting as using bureaucracy for bad things.

"How do you think he's going to take it when he learns about Operation Distribute Intentionally Faulty Contraceptives?" Herman muttered to the judge.

The judge let out a tiny snicker and looked back down at her podium.

Junji reached into his bag. The moment he'd gotten his hand around a dagger, he whipped it out and sent it flying towards Herman, where it embedded itself squarely in his chest.

Simultaneously, every member of the council grabbed the gun strapped to their hip and pointed it in Junji's direction.

"Mr. Tagawa, are you aware that you've committed violation knife stab?" the judge asked as she pushed her glasses up her nose.

Junji squared his jaw as he considered his options. He would escape the building and the country and create a new establishment to tear the last one down, that much was obvious. But he wasn't sure how to leave. He had his own security team willing to help him, but all the members who were currently present had guns aimed at his head. And there was an escape tunnel in his office, but his office was heavily monitored for his protection.

He had no one but himself. Underneath his table, Junji flexed the muscles in his abdomen with as much force as he could manage until the thin tube he was searching for exited his vaginal cavity and entered his hand.

"Put your hands in view, Tagawa." the judge ordered.

Junji let his hands slowly rise, but not before he'd dropped the miniature flashbang onto his foot and rolled it out onto the floor with a barely noticeable scratching sound.

"Duck!" a council member yelled.

Junji was on his feet and headed in a frantic line for the door a quarter second after the bang went off. He felt what might perhaps be the last bit of amusement he would ever experience as the council's positioning crumbled.

"Requesting back-up." the judge said into a small black box. "Seal all the exits, don't let Tagawa through.....Yes, you heard me."

About two thirds of the council decided to put down their guns in the chaos, but the others chose to wildly fire. A few screams told Junji that some friendly fire had been exchanged, although it wasn't until he was already through the opening.

There was still a hallway he had to get through. He could see two armed and clothed guards rush out from the adjacent hall, both of them settling squarely in front of the double doors. Junji briefly considered making a one eighty when two more guns were pulled on him, although he was probably going to end up getting shot either way. So after tensing his abdomen into his hand once again, he braced himself and continued to close the distance to the door.

There were two more bangs. Junji found himself concerned for his ears.

The bullet on the left missed him, but the bullet on the right embedded itself in his shoulder. For once in his life, Junji let adrenaline overtake him so he could keep his stride steady enough to intimidate both the guards.

His intimidation was successful, moreso on the left guard than the right. Junji baited the right guard upon his arrival into tackling him.

All the air left Junji's lungs when he landed on his back with two hundred pounds on top of him. Still, Junji managed to stick the miniature blade in his hand through the guard's leg armor.

The guard shouted in pain after just a moment. It would take a while for the poison to kill, but it weakened him immediately.

Junji frowned as he twisted the guard's gun out of his grasp. He felt a note of regret that he'd had to kill the guard, although he hadn't been able to acquire a non lethal substance that acted quickly enough.

Perhaps the guard would be attended to.

The other guard was examining the situation with uncertainty. He aimed a stomp at Junji's arm, but Junji managed to shoot him in the thigh before his foot could come down.

"Damn it!" the guard shouted.

Junji shot again, this time into his chest. Once the second guard had crumpled to the ground, Junji was left only with the issues of his own wound and the two hundred pounds of guard still pinning him to the ground.

"...nonlethal for questioning." he heard the judge say. "There, he's by the door."

While it was true that Junji had nearly forgotten about the council still coming after him from the courtroom, he was able to adapt to the situation by using all his strength to prop the guard on top of him up as a human shield.

There was a bang and a shattering sound as one of the council members fired on the glass door. The judge appeared to be shouting, but Junji's eardrums were ringing too loudly for him to hear.

Junji looked down to see that more than one shard of glass had entered his body. He might have taken his chances jumping through the sharp hole in the door, had he not noticed that what might as well have been his entire police force was waiting for him on the other side.

The council had advanced on him by the time he'd turned his attention back to them. Junji crumpled to the ground in a painful twitching ball when the judge shot a taser at his chest, although it only seemed like overkill at that point.

It took a few long seconds until Junji realized she was speaking.

"...and a friendly fire violation." the judge continued. "I daresay that's enough to remove you from office."

Junji had to cough up several mouthfuls of saliva and blood before he was able to speak.

"I've been--here for six years." Junji stammered, spitting as much blood as he could manage while ignoring the mixture of pain across several points in his body. "You owe--your very creation to me."

"And for that, we're thankful." she replied.

The judge motioned for everyone but herself to put down her gun, but by the time she'd looked back, Junji had already completed the sequence of thought commands necessary to rip himself down to the cubic millimeter.

|

Dr. Lofgren had also sent a text file by the time the video had ended. Tex opened it to see she'd left a reminder that her machine wasn't always accurate, but that it was probably accurate enough. She'd also found it amusing that, in a way, her machine had been able to predict its own inaccuracy, although she seemed more concerned for Junji than anything else.

Tex only realized after he'd finished reading that he'd been biting his lip hard enough to make it bleed.

Part of him wanted to wait to share the simulation with Junji. He also found himself tempted to simply send Junji the video file instead of showing it to him directly, but he was too nervous to leave Junji alone and knew in his heart it would be worse the longer he waited.

He only stopped at his own room for a moment to put the video file on a flash drive. Once he'd finished, he went straight back to Junji's apartment.

It wasn't a fun walk.

Junji's apartment door was still unlocked. Tex closed it behind him as quietly as possible, but Junji was stirring by the time Tex had gotten back to the living room.

"Did you leave?" Junji muttered, pulling his face out of Pikachu's stomach.

"For a minute." Tex replied. "Thought you were asleep."

"Yes, but I shouldn't be. I need to keep my sleep schedule in order."

Junji unfolded himself into a seated position and stretched his arms above his head.

"You look like you have something to tell me." he said, his eyes catching against Tex's face.

"Um."

"What's that in your hand?"

Tex looked at his right hand to see he was holding the flashdrive out at an awkward angle. Junji stood up from the couch.

"I--got something for you to watch." Tex managed.

There was no sign of suspicion in Junji as he took the flashdrive from Tex's hand.

"What is it?" asked Junji.

"It's a surprise."

Tex winced to himself the moment he'd finished his sentence.

“I asked that Swedish doctor we met to send her--machine’s prediction of you finishing your plans.” he followed. “You know, the--breeding ones.”

“Oh. I did not know you knew about those.”

Tex wasn’t able to reply.

“But yes, I should consult the simulation.” Junji continued. “Perhaps it will allow me to fine tune my ideas. Have you seen it?”

“Uh, no.”

Junji brought the flashdrive over to his computer. Tex found himself hit with a wave of nausea.

"I'm gonna--go to the bathroom." Tex muttered as he left.

"Are you alright?"

Tex didn't answer until he'd shut the door.

"Yeah." he replied. "Just--start without me."

"...Alright."

Tex could just barely hear the click of Junji's mouse as he stared at himself in the mirror.

"This one?" he heard Junji ask. "The one called--frowney face dot mp5?"

"Uhuh."

Tex turned the faucet on low the second the muffled sound of the court scene began to seep through the door.

The video was about fifteen minutes long, if Tex remembered correctly. Which was why Tex spent the next quarter hour with his hand in his sweaty bangs, anxiously counting the amount of grey hairs he had on the sides of his head.

Specifically, he found fifty seven grey hairs. This was nine more than he'd had the year before. Furthermore, nine was a twenty-two percent higher increase than the seven he'd gained in 2068.

At least his hairline was intact.

It was only after Tex was finished scribbling his math down on a sheet of toilet paper that he realized he couldn't hear anything from the other room anymore. So after cracking open the bathroom door as quietly as he could, Tex peered out into Junji's living room.

Junji was nowhere to be seen.

"Junji?" Tex asked as he stepped out.

Junji wasn't in the living room, and he wasn't in the sidespace he slept in either.

Tex whirled around to see that the front door was locked. Tex hadn't done anything to it when he'd entered, so he could only assume that Junji had bolted.

With his phone in his hand, Tex checked the window's limited view to see no one in the street.

**To Spoodge King**  
you good?

Several minutes passed with no response in sight. Tex paced the room with his hand still in his bangs, unintentionally pulling a few of his hairs out.

Tex called Junji three times to no avail. On the third time, he noticed a faint buzzing coming from one of the couch cushions.

He lifted it in horror to see that Junji had left his phone.

Tex could see from the time on his own phone that about ten minutes had passed since he'd left the bathroom. Junji was a fast enough runner to have gotten more than a mile away, and Tex had no way to know what direction he'd gone.

Panic creeped into Tex's brain as he considered what to do. His first instinct was to call someone for help, although he quickly decided to save the plan for a last resort after considering that more people learning about the situation would likely hurt Junji more.

His mind felt too clouded for him to calm down. He'd never been good at thinking straight when he knew someone was in pain--

It was at that moment Tex remembered he still had Tala's things.

Tex bolted to his bag and opened the compartment that he'd put Tala's laptop in. With shaking hands, he found the pain radar in a zippered pocket.

He zoomed in until he could only see a three mile radius.

There were several pink dots, each a slightly different shade. Tex's eyes were immediately drawn to one in particular, due to the fact that it was in the street rather than a house and was on the move.

It was traveling about twenty-five feet per second, so Tex assumed Junji had gotten a cab.

Tex rushed out the door without putting his jacket on and bolted down the stairs to the lobby. He began to worry on his way down that the dot could be something else, although he knew it was still his only lead.

The air outside was warmer than Tex would have expected it to be so late. He ran from his apartment to his parking space in about six minutes, weaving through traffic and ignoring both his burning lungs and the angry shouts from passerbys. He kept the radar in his hand and ended up fumbling with his car for a moment as he mixed it up with his key.

After twisting the key in the ignition and mounting the Pain Finder Thing to his air vent with a shoelace, Tex took off in the same direction as the dot.

The dot was still moving East. Tex wasn't nearly close enough to see the car, but he could see on the radar that when it merged onto the freeway. Tex turned to follow it and ran a red light to avoid getting spaced out further.

He did his best not to speed when he got on the freeway.

The road was as busy as always, but it was dark enough that Tex felt safe sneaking into the carpool lane. He couldn't remember the last time he'd driven without music. He would've thought the silence would have left him stewing in his own thoughts, but he found there wasn't much to listen to.

Exits began to pass at what felt like an exponential rate. Tex drove long enough to make it through the entire city.

The dot eventually took an exit for Roosevelt. Tex was still too far behind to see which car Junji was in, but he was happy enough to get off the freeway.

The dot continued onto the highway.

By one in the morning, Tex was reminded that he'd been tired before he'd started driving.

By three in the morning, Tex found himself wishing he'd brought a coffee.

He ended up doing a quick stop at the gas station to fill up his car and buy a cup to pee in. He would've hoped that the cold air would wake him up, but it only did so temporarily.

The sun was starting to rise by five in the morning. But when Tex found himself starting to drift, the threat of killing himself and possibly a stranger began to creep up on him.

Tex sighed in defeat and pulled into the parking lot of a Motel 6.

He stayed in his car, having no intentions of actually getting a room. He examined the pain radar to see that the dot was still moving.

Tex set an alarm on his phone for three hours forward. After zooming out to a wide radius on the radar, he used a glasses case and his last ounce of brain power to rig up his phone so he could record the dot's movement on the screen while he slept.

He wasn't sure if he ever ended up falling completely unconscious. It was more like he was in a half-awake fever dream, and by the time his alarm went off, he didn't feel like much time had passed at all.

After pausing the recording on his phone, Tex watched it over at twenty times speed to track the movements of the dot. He found that it had continued about a mile north before stopping at a highway bridge linking two halves of a forestry reserve.

He checked the pain radar to see that the dot still hadn't moved.

With growing nerves, Tex turned his car back on and set off towards the reserve. A few flares of panic did their best to shake him on the drive over, although he was too exhausted to humor them for very long.

The bridge was a concrete arch that was propped up about fifty feet over a crevice with a river. Tex could only see other cars as he drove over it, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary even when he passed over the exact spot on the pain radar where Junji's dot was.

It seemed most likely that Junji was at a different altitude. Once he'd passed over the bridge, Tex parked his car in the bike lane and hopped out onto sore feet.

It was an inconspicuously nice day outside, with early sun and an onslaught of chirping birds. Tex ignored the looks he got from passing cars as he jumped the fence and began to make his way down the hill.

The way down was all dirt and sandstone, at about a sixty degree angle. Tex found himself sliding more than walking. By the time he'd gotten to the bottom, his jeans were coated in a tan layer of dust.

According to the pain radar, Junji was about twenty feet in front of him.

Tex did a scan of the area to see nothing besides unkempt plant life and the shallow river. He considered calling out Junji's name, but he knew it would probably backfire.

He walked in the center of the ravine for more coverage, the icy river water washing over his shoes and soaking his socks. When he got on top of the spot the radar had brought him to, his eyes were drawn to a half trampled bush directly to his right.

Tex was slow and silent as he approached the bush. When he lifted a large branch, he was greeted to a confusing sight.

Junji was lying in a small square hole about three feet deep. He was in the fetal position, facing away from Tex, and the finger tracks in the dirt implied that he'd dug the hole himself.

It was almost funny.

"Jesus _Christ._" Tex whispered.

Junji flinched weakly at Tex's words. A moment later, he shoved his face into the side of his hole.

Tex unzipped his coat and knelt down next to Junji's body.

_"Dō yatte watashi o mitsuketa no._" Junji muttered as he used his hand to dump a small pile of dirt onto himself.

"What are you doing here?" asked Tex.

"Let me die."

With a grunt, Tex reached into the hole and used his last smidgen of energy to pull Junji's body out. Junji stayed curled up as Tex fell into a sitting position and wrapped the sides of his coat around the both of them.

"Please come back with me." Tex coughed, choking on the cloud of dirt that filled the air. "Please."

"I don't want to go."

"I miss you."

Junji coughed out a tiny noise of bewilderment into Tex's shirt.

"How could you miss me after this?" he whispered.

"Why wouldn't I?"

It took Junji a moment to reply. Tex pulled his coat tighter around the two of them.

"I've done horrible things to get where I am." he explained.

"I know."

"And I have nothing--"

Junji's entire body tensed in Tex's arms.

"--to show for it." he finished.

"I don't care. You were the best thing to happen to me in years."

Junji shook his head, burrowing his face further into Tex's chest.

"That is an unbelievably depressing notion." said Junji.

"Had me shocked, too. Never thought I'd love a tankie."

Junji's body shook violently as he started to sob. Tex had never experienced the sound before, although he wasn't surprised to hear it.

"You don't understand.” Junji managed. “There is no going back for me.”

"What else are you gonna do?" Tex replied.

"I can't deal with the guilt. I'll live under this bridge until I die--"

"Christ."

"--and throw my feces at passerbys--"

"Seems a little over the top."

For just a few seconds, Junji's cries were overtaken by shrill laughter. Tex exhaled in relief at the sound.

"How foolish of you to forgive me." Junji muttered. "I suppose it's only because you can't comprehend the ramifications of what I've done."

"I understand plenty."

"I've exploited every market beyond repair. And I've killed so many people."

"Uhuh."

Junji paused for a moment to suck in a breath.

"Society will crumble. Food production and electricity will become scarce, and the Amish will come into rule." he continued, placing his fist on Tex's chest. "Their reign will be just until they become corrupted by power."

Tex replied with a laugh of his own.

"Let it happen." he replied. "We were due for a restart."

"But not like this. The previous politicians will be rightfully overthrown but then will be pointlessly tortured by the angry citizens."

Junji let out a sudden gasp.

"I've just realized." he followed as he unfolded himself. "Because we know this will happen, it's now our duty to mercy kill all the politicians as soon as possible."

Once he’d gotten out of Tex’s grasp, Junji got to his feet and began to make a beeline for the hill.

"How bout this." Tex stated, grabbing Junji by the collar before he could get too far. "I take you home, you take a--shower, then we both watch one of them Japanese movies with subtitles you never shut up about."

Junji turned around. His face was filthy, but Tex knew he probably didn't look much better.

"...I may cry." Junji replied.

"That's alright."

As exhausted as Junji looked, he still managed to climb out of the ravine faster than Tex did. It might have bothered Tex on a different day, although all that was on his mind was getting back to the car.

Junji fell asleep and stayed asleep for the entire drive over. Tex felt weak from his lack of rest and emotional exhaustion, but the feeling of relief and the desire to make Junji happy again overpowered his mood.

Tex dropped Junji off at the front of their building before parking his car. They never ended up getting to the movie that day, as Junji was out like a rock again on his mattress by the time Tex got back. They did end up watching it when they woke up, and Tex found himself spending the next three nights on Junji's couch.

Junji had wanted the company. Tex had mostly just wanted to make sure Junji didn't kill himself.

There was still the question of what Junji was going to do with the money he'd made, but Tex didn't ask it even when Junji was well enough to live by himself. Although he didn't seem ready to come back to work, so Tex told the rest of the group that Junji had gotten a cold and they ended up taking Sean on their next job.

Tex didn't tell a single soul besides Dr. Lofgren what had happened.

By the time the fifth day passed, Tex realized there was something he'd been putting off for too long. Before he could forget yet again, Tex set himself down at his table with a piece of paper and a pen.

_ Dear Lida, _  
_ I know it shouldn’t have taken as long as it did for me to get around to writing this. Here it is anyway. _

_ I've seen good relationships, and I've seen my parents' relationship. After spending eight years seeing the way my dad treated my mama, the idea that a bad relationship didn't have a victim and a villain seemed like a radical one. _

_ Our relationship was bad, from our inability to communicate to our resentment to our sex life. Sex with you was always hate sex, although I couldn't figure out which one of us I hated. I had a tendency to go back and forth between the two of us, between being angry at you and angry at myself. But what I've recently realized is that my anger, along with my inability to cut my losses with us and instead dragging things out, is because somewhere along the way I got it into my head that one of us had to have been irredeemable for us to have been this bad. And I didn't want it to be me. _

_ I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I think it would be better for both of us to be apart, but I don't blame you for that. It ain't that I don't think you're worth putting aside the time to fix our problems, it's that I recognize that the issues I have and the issues you have don't mesh well together. I don't hate you. I don't hate myself either, although there are a couple things I'm sorry for; number one being cutting you out without an explanation. _

<strike> _PS: Junji thinks we should still meet up sometimes to screw. Can't say I think that's a bad arrangement._ </strike>

<strike> _PS: Junji thinks we should still meet up sometimes to screw. I reckon he just wants to watch._ </strike>

<strike> _PS: You owe Tala a kidney._ </strike>

<strike> _PS: Still don't think you should've stabbed me in the kidney for sabotaging your run for mayor. Teaching chimpanzees to use guns to scare the North was a bad campaign and you know it._ </strike>

Tex ended up not having a postage script.

After he'd finished with the letter, he slid it into an envelope with the address of Lida's office and the first stamp he'd used in a long time.

The mailboxes were all in the downstairs lobby. Tex barreled down the stairs quickly enough that he ended up exiting them with too much speed and nearly crashed into the glass exit door.

Junji was on the other side, looking confused. Tex opened the door for him.

"Oh." said Junji. "Hello, Dallas."

Junji's expression wasn't as hollow as it had been before, but his mouth was curved at a slightly harsher downwards angle and he still hadn’t shaved the incredibly patchy layer of stubble he’d grown.

At least he'd showered.

"Howdy." Tex greeted. "You holding up?"

"Apparently. Were you going somewhere?"

"Mail. Care to join me?"

Junji's mouth twisted in consideration.

"Yes." he answered. "There's something I wish to speak to you about."

"Yeah?" Tex replied as he took off, motioning for Junji to follow.

Junji fully examined their surroundings before giving a response.

"As you know, I'm currently worth a large amount of money." he started once he saw they were alone.

"Really." Tex stated.

"And I've decided to buy an island."

"...Can't say I was expecting that. What are you, selling out?"

"I am doing it primarily for my safety, although I was also considering using it as a research facility."

"Researching what?"

"Various things. Ying and I have always been interested in the ways many genres of...unsponsored scientific studies could help the public."

Although Tex was happy to hear that Junji had managed to apply himself, a new sinking feeling took over him.

"You ever gonna come back?" Tex asked.

"When this all blows over, yes. I suspect the assassination attempts will falter now that I've pulled myself out of every market."

Tex breathed out a silent sigh of relief.

"And you are welcome to visit me in the meantime." followed Junji.

"Be my pleasure."

"I will be wanting your input on the ethics of my experiments, as at this point I trust your judgement more than mine."

Tex was unsure how to reply. Junji let out a long exhale and drifted his eyes towards Tex's shoes.

"I can also try to expose the industries I've profited off of, although I can't promise they'll never reappear." he continued.

"Hey, I understand. Gotta say though, at least society ain't collapsed yet."

"Yes. Everything seems to be--running on steam for the time being."

"...Maybe it already was."

The conversation felt incomplete. Although Junji's departure made sense, Tex felt a tiny anti-climactic drop. And it was true that he didn't know what would happen to the economy. He wasn't sure how much Junji had changed, but it seemed unlikely that things could continue on as normal.

Tex wasn't that worried about it. He'd felt change was due for a while.

He was sure that his next few days would be busy, considering he'd have to tell the others something and get a temporary replacement for Junji. But in the meantime, Tex found himself with something more pressing on his mind.

The thing was, he'd always thought that Junji's tendency to value the potential for net goodness over more present, interpersonal goodness was what would lead to his hypothetical downfall. But interestingly enough, Tex knew his choice to inform Junji of his hypothetical downfall was inspired by the potential of net goodness.

Tex shook his head with an empty chuckle. He'd given up on expecting things to be simple.

**Author's Note:**

> part 1 is finished, parts 2-4 coming soon
> 
> you can also read it on my [website](https://www.owoot.net/), no u do not have to pay.


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